a/n: Well...this is frankly ridiculous. This should have been updated much earlier, but I'm afraid I got caught up in a ton of responsibilities, new interests, and a horrible case of writers block. This actually would have gotten out sooner, but I ended up in the hospital, and for some reason hospital + writer = literally no motivation to do anything.

"What does this mean?" you might be asking. Let me tell you straight: this story will continue. I am re-working the plot a bit to fit with some new idea I have had over this one break, and because of this and competing story ideas, updates will not be fast (unless the block sudden goes away, at which time I will write like a madman).

I know a lot of you have been asking for an elaboration on the "just kidding" bits at the end of every chapter, so I am proud to present: Mixtape (*cough cough* shameless plug). Check out this newer fic (updates also irregular) if you want to see the craziness that results.

Thank you so much to all of you who have continued to follow and review this story!

What the hell is going on here? = Thought
"Hey, um, can any of you tell me where I am?" = Talking in Amestrian
"Don't you dare try to take our peanut!"= Normal talking
Greed stared numbly as the pirate ship was suddenly carried away by a torrent of white crabs. = Everything else

~o(0)o~ = Viewpoint change

~~~v~~~ = Time skip

Chapter 14: How to Get Revenge

"Alright, so if Lee gets into place in time–"

"–Then all we really need to worry about is the teachers." It had only taken a few minutes to lay out the plan to Lee, and now the twins were nearly to the Great Hall as they continued to flesh out the details.

"And since you have the–" The pair stopped as they walked through the open double doors of the hall, their eyes immediately drawn to the head table. The empty head table. "…No way."

George was already unfolding the Marauder's Map, and soon they were scouring the parchment for the missing dots. "There!" Fred pointed his wand at the dense cluster of ink representing nearly every teacher at Hogwarts, all of them crammed into the space marked 'Teacher's Lounge.' The brothers glanced incredulously at the deserted head table and then back at the map.

"How the bloody hell did Elric manage that?" Oh, but it was a great day to be a Weasley twin: what other time would they find the Great Hall so vulnerable and unguarded?

"Hey, Fred."

"Yes, George?"

"I know what we're going to do today."

~o(0)o~

Ed locked his door and turned to face the empty classroom. The evidence of his encounter with Severus the previous night had been undisturbed: chairs toppled, desks pushed out of the way, and a battered goblet discarded in one corner. All the alchemist wanted was to fall into bed and sleep, but even with his eyelids threatening to close Ed knew the events of the previous night would keep him awake.

"Aah…At least it's the weekend." Sleep would come later, but he needed to at least get his room in order. His stumps twinged as trudged over to the corner and picked up the empty cup. A milky residue clung to the inside of the goblet, though the horrid smell had disappeared. It was a miracle I managed to smell the poison last night with the way my nose was stuffed–

Ed froze. He sniffed at the residue again and then rubbed at his nose experimentally. The alchemist's hand drifted to his chest, trying to remember the last time he had coughed. There was no way. Surely there was some other explanation…but if there wasn't… He needed to talk with Severus.

The alchemist made for the door only to stop a second later. "Well, it's probably best not to be seen around the castle right now." So he placed the goblet back down on his desk and dug around for some parchment. He needed to write to central to access all of the information on chimeras he could get his hands on. "Eh, I guess I finally have to write a report. At least the owl should bug Mustang."

With a smirk, Ed began composing his report, making sure to add as many off-handed jibes as possible.

~o(0)o~

It was not unusual for owls to come soaring through the windows of the Great Hall during breakfast; though perhaps that morning there were a few more birds than normal. It was also not unusual to see the candles floating around the hall so early in the day, seeing as the hall's ceiling was a stormy bank of darkened clouds. And of course it was not unusual in the slightest if there happened to be an absence of a few students; the simple fact that it was the weekend should have been enough to soothe any doubts.

What was unusual was for the staff table at the front of the hall to be completely empty of teachers. It was also unusual for the candles to float so near to the tables, their flames flickering less than a yard above students' heads. It could additionally be noted that there were three Gryffindor tricksters conspicuously absent from breakfast, but that was hardly anyone's concern–especially when not one, but seven Howlers were dropped onto various house tables. And really, that was when the usual morning turned out to be unusual after all.

"Can someone pass the jam?" Neville nodded his thanks to Hermione as she passed the bowl of raspberry jam over the barely conscious Ron's head, who hardly noticed the exchange as he mindlessly scooped a portion of scrambled eggs onto his plate.

"Um, are you alright, Ron?" Neville asked from across the table, looking at the red head in concern. An unintelligible grumble was the only reply, so Hermione took the liberty of explaining the situation.

"Ronald here thought it would be a good idea to stay up in the common room playing wizarding chess and comparing quidditch statistics with Harry until 3:00 in the morning despite my warning that I was going to make them get up early to catch up on their homework–" The Neville stared at the young witch as she came up for air before continuing, "–Because he was under the misguided assumption that I wasn't going to carry through with it." She finished, reaching to grab the abandoned bowl of scrambled eggs from Ron.

The was another grumble, so it seemed like Ron was following the conversation after all. Or, Neville thought, Maybe Ron was still going to eat those.

"G'Morning." Harry slumped onto the bench next to Neville and let his head fall onto the table with a soft thunk. "Nev'r let 'Mione put a spell on your alarm clock, Neville. Nev'r."

Hermione rolled her eyes, though Neville was the only one conscious enough to see it. "If you wanted time to sleep you should have already memorized the periodic table Professor Elric assigned." She chided.

Neville set down the knife he had been using to spread the jam over his toast. "Oh…" He knew he had forgotten something.

Hermione squinted suspiciously at him. "Don't tell me you aren't working on it either."

Neville rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, not exactly…" As Hermione opened her mouth to speak he hurriedly continued, "But that's because I've been focusing on the riddle he gave us."

Hermione huffed and went back to her eggs. "I'm not sure these two have been working on that either."

Owls began soaring into the hall as they ate, and Neville caught a muttered, "The eagles are coming…" from Harry, who had woken up enough to push a spoon aimlessly around a bowl of porridge.

Neville thought back to the riddle and the answer that had seemed just out of his reach ever since the professor had assigned it, "Have you had any luck with it, Hermione?"

Thwap

Ron blinked and lifted his head, the scarlet letter sliding unceremoniously off his hair and onto his eggs. It took a second for recognition to kick in…and then Ron was wide awake. The Gryffindor opened his mouth to speak, but someone else beat him to it.

"Howler!"

Neville jerked around to look at the Ravenclaw table, searching for the student who had noticed Ron's letter. Instead, he saw Luna Lovegood pointing at the crimson notice held in one of her housemate's hands, an expression of curiosity filling her usually dreamy features.

Apparently, Ron and the Ravenclaw were not the only ones to receive the infamous red letters, as more cries of "Howler!" and groans of dismay began filtering through the air from all corners of the hall.

"What's going on–"

Black.

As one, all of the floating candles in the hall flickered out, and the enchanted ceiling turned to pitch. The light, which had previously been filtering pleasantly through the hall's windows, was abruptly choked off, leaving only darkness. Shocked silence filled the chamber as the students waited for something to happen. Neville froze in his seat, listening to Harry breathing next to him even as he strained his eyes to see something in the darkness. The Gryffindor could feel the tension in the air–all they needed now was some teacher to burst in shouting "troll in the dungeon" to spark mass panic.

"My dear students." Dumbledore's rumbling voice came as a complete surprise...especially when it came from right across the table. Neville heard Ron and Hermione gasp in surprise and felt the table jump. "What do you think you are doing?"

Scattered whispers floated through the darkness, snatches of conversation as students tried to figure out what was happening.

"Professor Dumbledore?" Hermione's voice asked from in front of Neville.

The headmaster continued as if he hadn't heard her, and at his voice, the whispers fell away. "The Hall is dark, the tables are set, and there are no professors to be found." In his mind, Neville could see the old wizard's eyes twinkling. "Why, in Merlin's name, are you simply sitting here? Especially when you could do THIS."

A wet splatter sounded from the other end of the hall, accompanied by a surprised shout. Suddenly, the hall brightened as the candles flickered back to life. Blinking the bright spots out of his eyes, Neville turned to see what had happened. Following the stares of his housemates, Neville spotted the Ravenclaw Head Girl standing at the end of her table...with the remains of a bowl of thick, grey porridge sliding down her face.

The hall was silent as the head girl looked mechanically between her ruined robes and the fallen bowl. Then, without ceremony, she picked up her own porridge and promptly threw it (with perfect aim, Neville noted) at Percy Weasley's face.

~o(0)o~

"Do we know when the next Badger raid is coming?"

"Waiting for confirmation from Crimson Lion."

"Movements confirmed! Party of six Badgers are moving west across the edges of no-wizards land with the intent to converge with a group of Snakes."

"Man the battlements!"

"I need more charmers on the east end! Scarlet Griffin needs cover!"

"Commander! Our stock of shepherd pies is running low: requesting permission to treatise with the Raven's for more!"

"Permission grant–INCOMING!"

It was as if a switch had been flipped. What had started as a simple food fight had evolved into a battlefield of bench barricades and table fortresses. Prefects and Head Students became majors and generals in a war of thrown food and jinxes. Houses banded together to raid each other, and whenever heads peeked out from behind overturned tables, a flurry of spells soon sent them ducking for cover. Up above, the candles flickered on and off randomly, creating a strobe effect over the entire hall as the howlers served as a background of cheers and jeers to the wizard forces.

The Great Hall was in a state of absolute chaos. Naturally, that was when the teachers finally showed up.

~o(0)o~

Stunned and more than a little confused. Minerva let her gaze sweep over the battleground that had only hours ago been the Great Hall, trying alongside her fellow teachers to make sense of what was happening.

Her first thought? Either Peeves or the Weasley twins…but neither entities of mischief could be spotted among the piled tables and flying spells. Most likely the twins, then. Peeves would be cackling among the rafters by now.

Minerva pulled her wand out of her robes but stopped before she cast anything. What would she cast? Even if she could get the students to stop, there would still be the incessant flickering from the candles, screaming howlers, and the malfunctioning enchanted ceiling to deal with.

She was about to put aside her doubts and start casting anyways when a shout echoed down the corridor, coming from the opposite direction the teachers themselves had just come. "Professors? What's going on in the Great Hall?"

Is that…? The transfiguration teacher swiveled to face the newcomers, confirming her suspicions: standing there, wide-eyed and innocent, were the Weasley twins.

"Merlin's beard, George!" Fred strained his neck to see around the mass of staff members and get a peek at the riot. "Can you believe they did something like this without us?"

"I can't make sense of it either, Fred." George shook his head in disappointment. "Who said they could start a party without us?"

"But," Poppy began from Minerva's left, and the witch knew that the nurse had come to similar conclusions about the source of the chaos. "Surely you two knew that this–"

The twins' attention suddenly shifted onto the mediwitch, identical innocent grins planted on their faces. Something was wrong in those smiles, something sharp and dark– as if they were challenging Poppy from beneath their tight lips and white teeth. "I'm sorry, Professor," Fred began.

"But are you jumping to the conclusion that we had anything to do with this?" George finished.

"I–" Poppy spluttered.

"Of course there has probably been some misunderstanding." Fred offered, slinging an arm over his sibling's shoulder.

George picked up where his brother left off. "And if there was a misunderstanding, I'm sure she would ask questions first instead of simply assuming what happened."

The grins stretched wider as the boys spoke in unison, "Right, professors?"

Oh, and now Minerva could see what lay behind those smiles, the heated words of the staff meeting still ringing in her ears. She glanced back at the food-strewn hall and thought she understood. But when did these two…?

"And where have you two been all morning, if not here in the hall?" The transfiguration teacher asked cautiously.

If anything the twins looked delighted by the question as they proudly presented a signed slip of paper. "Why, we spent the morning with Professor Elric."

As if presenting the note had been their sole purpose in coming (And perhaps it was, McGonagall mused), the smiling brothers practically skipped down the hall back the way they had come, leaving the teachers to absorb the dilemma they were confronted with.

McGonagall turned back to face the battlefield again and sighed. "Tell the students to get back to their common rooms." She commanded her fellow teachers. "No punishments will be given today." The 'Not after this morning," was left unsaid. They had all expected some form of retribution from the alchemy professor, but none had thought he would go quite this far.

Minerva would have to keep an eye on Edward Elric.

~o(0)o~

Ed looked over his report one last time, and, finding no room left to squeeze in another insult, stuffed it inside its waiting envelope. A transmutation later, and his wand was out of it's ring form and in his hand.

"Epoximise." The alchemist smirked as the envelope's edges magically sealed themselves closed– he wished he could see the Colonel's face as he tried to open the magically sealed letter. He went to grab the sealing wax out of his desk drawer (just to mess with Mustang further), but stopped when he heard a faint noise coming from the corridor. After a second, the alchemist recognized them as footsteps– two pairs, running towards his room. Having a pretty good idea of who it was, Ed slipped the envelope into his desk and transmuted his wand to back around his neck. A quick scan of the room left Ed confident he hadn't forgotten to stash away anything important, so he leaned back in his chair. He didn't have to wait long.

Slam!

"Professor!" The doors to the alchemy classroom crashed open as Fred and George skipped into the room and skidded to a halt in front of the blond. Even though they were breathing heavily from their run all the way from the Great Hall, both brothers twitched with excitement.

"So?" Ed sat forward. Clearly, things had gone according to plan– maybe even better. "How did it go?"

"Oh, it was brilliant!"

"For a second we thought the howlers wouldn't arrive on time to kick things off–"

"–Or that our Dumbledore impersonation wouldn't be convincing–"

"–But Lee pulled through and got them sent from the owlry on time!"

"And the flickering candles were just right–"

"But blacking out the illusion on the ceiling was Lee's idea–"

Trying his best to follow the rapid onslaught of information and babbling, Ed caught something that wasn't quite right. The alchemist frowned and held up a gloved hand for them to stop. "Wait, back up: the illusion on the ceiling?"

The Weasleys nodded eagerly. "Not that we actually cancelled the enchantment," Fred admitted.

"But we placed another illusion on top to make it seem as if it had been tampered with." George said.

Ed looked between the two. "And…the ceiling of the Great Hall is normally under an illusion?"

Fred and George shared an incredulous glance and snorted. "Sorry, Professor, but do ceilings where you're from normally show the weather outside?"

Gears turning in his mind, Ed laughed back with false confidence. "Of course not. What else happened?" As the twins continued to ramble on, the alchemist tried to piece together what was happening. He could clearly picture the Great Hall in his mind, and an image of soaring stone arches climbing into the peaked ceiling came immediately to his thoughts. Ed had never seen any sign of an illusion there. Though…

First he couldn't perceive Lupin's invisibility enchantment, and now this?

"–and by then the Hufflepuffs had gone off the deep end with the cornucopia charms."

"You should have seen the look on McGonagall's face when the teachers got there!"

The twins paused. "Professor, how did you manage to keep all of the teachers away from the Great Hall?" Fred wondered.

Ed shook himself out of his thoughts and rewound the conversation to find the question. Recalling the context– of not only the question but the answer– Ed felt his face fall into a slight frown. "I called a staff meeting."

"Just for the prank?" George asked, though his tone suggested he thought it unlikely.

The blond's eyes fell on the discarded goblet sitting on the edge of his desk. A prank? No, not by any sane person's terms, but it had led to some interesting conclusions. Now he knew something of the character of Hogwarts's staff, and they…well, after some help from the Weaselys they would know enough not to repeat their mistakes.

"No. Something else needed dealing with." Ed allowed his smile to come back and saw the brothers' shoulders relax, releasing the almost imperceptible tension they had held at the alchemist's more serious tone. "Though you two helped me prove an important point. What did they think about your alibi?"

"We're not sure why, but McGonagall and Madame Pomphrey looked like they had seen a ghost." Fred answered.

"And when we mentioned jumping to conclusions like you suggested, all of the teachers looked really uncomfortable." George leaned in, "What exactly happened in the meeting?"

Ed crossed his arms. From his experience with the brothers so far, he knew that it was unlikely that either would judge Remus– in fact, they might be willing to support him just as much as Ed was. In the end, however, it was Remus's life, and Ed had no right spilling secrets that did not belong to him. "They jumped to conclusions." The alchemist kept voice as neutral as possible. "I just made sure they wouldn't make the same mistake twice."

"And you don't think we'll get in trouble for breakfast?" Fred wondered.

The blond shook his head. "I have a feeling they'll let it slide this time. On the other hand," Time to shift the conversation. Ed stood and walked over to one of the chalk boards lining the walls. There, in white chalk, was still written the riddle from the first alchemy class. "You two will be in trouble if you can't answer this by the end of the week."

"The week!" The pair chorused in shock. "You said we had a whole month!"

Ed wagged a gloved finger. "I think you'll find I gave everyone until the end of the month– not a whole month. September ends on Thursday."

The twins groaned. "But no one's managed to get it yet!" George complained.

"So?" Ed was secretly pleased–if slightly frustrated–that none of his students had come up with an answer. The frustrated portion was upset that, beside the twins, the Granger girl, and a few members of the blue house, his 'students' had shown no sign of figuring out the riddle. On the other hand, the pleased portion of himself was delighted at the idea of being able to kick out the majority of his lazier students.

"Hmph." The twins sagged dramatically and began making their way towards the door. "If you're so determined to crush our spirits, Professor, we'll just let ourselves out."

"Yeah, you do that." Ed called after them. "But when you're spirits are feeling less crushed how about you two come in for another lesson."

The brothers immediately straightened and turned excitedly back to the alchemist. "Really?" George asked.

"And what'll we work on this time?" Fred prompted.

Ed laughed. It was clear that the twins' spirits had miraculously recovered already. "Escaping." The blond thought back to his run-in with the pair before the meeting and made a mental note not to visit that corridor for the next few days. "You two need work if you can't even get away from an old man like Filch without my help."

The brothers excitedly promised not to miss it and filed out of the room with matching grins. The alchemist couldn't help but wonder how long those smiles would last once they realized that he wasn't going to show them a quick-fix magic trick. Oh no: he was going to run them into the ground to get them in shape. He couldn't have his most promising pupils training their minds while ignoring their bodies– Teacher would kill him if she ever heard he had let them off the hook for even this long!

The door shut behind the identical mischief makers, and Ed was left sitting in the empty classroom with more questions than he knew to ask about. He had done his best to distract the twins from his more serious concerns, but that didn't give him an excuse to avoid them.

The alchemist glanced out the window behind him. The warming rays of the rising sun pulled long shadows from the trees and cast them across the grounds. Despite the sun's efforts– or perhaps in spite of them, knowing that it was completely within the realm of possibility in such a magical place– the chilling mists of the night still clung to the grass along the edge of the Forbidden forest. Hagrid was out there somewhere, probably tending to his hippogryphs or some other magical creature, and Ed wondered if perhaps Hagrid would know who the canine animagus was. The alchemist had been a bit distracted during the staff meeting and had forgotten to ask.

Damn. The sun taunted him with its cheerful glow. Too early to call it a night. Ed groaned and decided to take things one step at a time.

First? Head to the owlry to mail his report. Anything after that he would deal with later. He was too tired to think about disappearing colds and illusionary ceilings.

~o(0)o~

The office was quiet, the still night outside the windows completing the mood. Lupin could see Ed stealing glances at him from the corner of his eye as he glanced through his notes, but the wizard stubbornly ignored him. He had wondered why the alchemist had asked to work on his lesson plans in Remus's rooms, but now he saw that there was more to the request than Ed had let on. It had been a full day since the blond had spoken to him before now, and the weekend was nearly over. Was the younger man re-thinking his offer to help?

If Edward wanted to talk, he was not going to be the first to give in, so he pretended to be too absorbed in his own work to notice. He would not talk first. Nope. He wasn't saying anything until Ed was.

After several minutes of increasingly blatant stares, Lupin set down his papers with a huff. "Is something bothering you, Ed?"

The alchemist shrugged noncommittally, "Maybe. It depends."

Silence.

Patience already worn thin, Lupin was the first to give in, "Alright, what–"

"Is your name really Remus Lupin?" The blond interrupted.

The wizard blinked. "What? Of course it is."

"You never changed it?"

"No. Why–"

"So that's what your parents named you."

"...yes." Lupin had a sneaking suspicion where the conversation was headed. The delighted gleam in Ed's eyes did nothing to settle his doubt.

"Sorry if I'm being indelicate here, but... Remus Lupin? Remus Lupin as in Remus the wolf and Lupin a wolf? Wolf Wolf?"

Lupin groaned and tried unsuccessfully to bury himself back into his grading.

"Oh, sorry. You probably prefer Wolfie McWolf. Or maybe Professor Wolf Wolfer."

"Ed..."

"Wolf wolf wolf wolf wolf– oh Truth, you say that word enough times and it starts to stick in your mouth. I can hardly say it now. Wolf wulf woolf–"

"For the love of Merlin, would you stop saying my na–" Lupin froze, horror creeping onto his features.

Ed leaned forward, a smirk tugging at his lips. "What was that? It IS your name?" The alchemist let out a laugh and jumped up from his seat. Before Remus could make a sound, the blond had shoved his various papers and books into a bag and was halfway to the door. "Never fear, Remus–or should I say Wolf–I will include your true name on ALL of my research materials. Wouldn't want to list the wrong lycanthrope now would we? What if someone thought we were talking about Grey Wolf or Timber Wolf when it was really Wolf Wolf?"

The alchemist kept talking even as the door closed behind him, Lupin able to hear the faint sound solely through the virtue of his heightened senses. "I can't wait to see the look on Mustang's face when he gets a load of this."

...Apparently Edward had not been reconsidering his offer.

a/n: Tune in next time for when Ed gets fed up with the ever-shifting ways of the castle stairs and resorts to transmuting them in place. Eventually Dumbledore has to politely ask him to stop, and Ed agrees only to begin creating his own labyrinthine system of chutes, stairs, and secret passageways. When a group of students accidentally stumble into the maze and become lost, Ed must find them before it's too late!...Just kidding.