WARNING:
This Fanfic is a MASSIVE critique on every fanfic that is targeting the Episode "No Such Luck" of the Western Animation Series "The Loud House."

Also it is part Satire, so most of the behavior of the Characters appearing here may not be their usual self's.
If you like all the Revenge-Fics who like to torment Lincoln's family and/or present his suffering like he is the next Messiah SHOULDN'T read this.
Or… Maybe you should.
Decide for your own if you are sure to read this.

Also this is NOT an attack on all the Authors of "No Such Luck" Fanfictions but meant as a critique on their stories.

Have fun if possible and don't try to feel offended because that is not my intention here.

SECOND WARNING:
Massive amounts of Gore is incoming!

P.S.: Thank you ultrablud2 for proofreading this.

No such Luck: Repair not Revenge

By

Hatoralo

Lincoln Loud had enough of this bullshit.
His family kicked him out of his home, even sold his stuff and they did all this just because they thought he was a jinx without real evidence, a jinx that was giving his friends and family bad luck.
Why did they go so far? They all acted all so unusual for themselves, even Lisa who believed in the laws of probability and not in the rules of supernatural superstition like Lynn.
He could believe that Leni would fall for this and Lucy may believe that he was cursed but the others? He would confront them and tear them verbally a new one.
And if that didn't help he would go to the McBrides until their idiocy had subsided.

He marched down to 1216 Franklin Avenue, stomped up the stairs and hammered against the door. "Let me in, you sacks of shit!"
He was surprised by his own choice of words but he just shrugged and tried to open the door which, to his surprise, was open.
His surprise became even greater as the mangled corpse of Luan fell before his feet.
"What in the holy hell of Haugesund is this?!"
The corpse of his sister was mangled beyond belief. It looked like somebody sprayed her body with acid, resulting in many gaping disturbing holes in her clothes and flesh. She smiled a large teeth showing grin in rigor mortis.
"How odd," Lincoln said, much to his own surprise, stepping over Luan's corpse and entering his home.

The inside stank like the rotten insides of a cyclopean monstrosity. The walls of the living room were besmeared with the guts and blood of his twin-sisters' corpses placed on the sofa, holding each other to seek comfort in their hour of demise.
"They really love each other," Lincoln remarked as if the scene before him was a sane and normal one.

Next, he entered the kitchen where he spotted Lori stuffed into the fridge, her skin becoming blue from the cold, the tongue swelling, icicles rammed into her eyes and her mouth was filled with ice cubes.
"I know that you can be stone-cold, but this is ridiculous," Lincoln quipped and closed the fridge's door.

He walked over to the oven which was cooking something and it smelled delicious. He opened it and found a well done Charles, the skin brown, the fat jazzing under him and an apple in his mouth.
"A few more minutes and he should be ready."

The white-haired boy stood up and took a look at the cooking plates, standing on all four there one boiling pot each with something cooking inside. He took the lids off and looked into them, finding a finely carved up Leni, distributed over the different pots.
The eyes, toes and fingers were in the smallest pot, her hands and feet in the second smallest, the head intact and the arms and legs, which were cut into pieces, were in the second largest and her torso was in the largest pot.
Lincoln took a wooden spoon and tasted from the pot with Leni's eyes.
"This needs some Peppermint and a grain of Chicory."
He put the lids back on the pots.

His next destination was the living room where he hoped to find his parents so they could explain this insanity to him.
He found them lying on the back, together, holding hands. It was kind of a cute view if one ignored the 100 knifes sticking in their torsos, arms, legs and heads. Lincoln wondered how this could have happened and how somebody got their hands on so many nice knives, because they looked like high quality.

On a hunch, the young boy entered the cellar of his home. It wasn't different from usual with the only noticeable other thing here being Lucy, nailed to a cross like Jesus Christ through the wrists but in her case, she was also clean shaven with several nails hammered into her head in two lines, crossing at the top. Blood was dripping from the Goth's dead eyes and mouth and it was gathered in a blood-red chalice under her which had "666" written on it.
"Am I in a creepypasta?" Lincoln wondered loudly. "This is getting silly."

Because he thought it would be more dramatic, he decided to enter the second floor through the laundry chute, which he did with more ease than he himself would have thought. As he reached the first floor he had to realize that surrealism got hold of this place. The floor looked way longer than usual, the doorframes were jerked into the form of impossible corners, the walls were black, intervened with colorful lines, the ceiling showed pictures of destroyed Squirrel-costumes and bloody replica-heads of his family with the spines sticking out of their necks impaled on bloody spears.
"I have the feeling somebody doesn't like my family."

Another hunch led him to Luna and Luan's shared room where he found his rock-sister in one of her amplifiers. She was stuck, bleeding, dead and the song "Time of my Life" was playing out of the broken amplificatory machine of sound. In her eyes were two quavers, pulsating from demonic energy and vibrating to the rhythm from the speaker.
"This is just cliché," commented Lincoln. "The idea that rock music has secret demonic messages is just absurd. Something else is behind Luna's demise, but what could it be?"

He wondered if he could find any answers in Lisa's room, doubting that she would still be alive or at least in a state that is harmless to look at. He also really hoped that Lily wasn't there in any form.
Entering the genius' room, he spotted Nick Wilde from the Movie "Zootopia" gnawing at Lisa's corpse, while Judy Hopps, his Partner, was standing beside this morbid scene and writing something in her notepad.

"Officer Judith Laverne Hopps," the bunny greeted him and showed him her badge. "We came here because we got a report of child abuse from social worker Sunset Shimmer."
"I think your partner is committing it," Lincoln responded in the most sarcastic manner. "I am Lincoln Loud and why is Nick Wilde eating my little sister Lisa?"
"What else is she good for?" asked Judy as if it was the most normal thing in the world. "Nothing more than food for my partner. Her crimes were so grave, she didn't deserve anything better."
"So, your partner killed her?"
"Yes."
"And is currently eating her?"
"Yes."
"Your partner, who tried for so long to have the image of person who has self-control, who never wanted to eat any other person and who wanted to be accepted as what he is?"
"Yes."
"I thought it was good enough reason to break my principles," Nick explained, wiping away Lisa's blood from his snout. "I mean, she, along with the others, threw you out of your home."
"But… Isn't this a little bit over the top?" asked the white haired boy confused.
"Not in this case," countered Hopps. "Not in this case."

Lincoln shrugged his shoulders before asking: "Where is that social worker?"
"She is taking care of a hostage crisis," explained Judy. "She should be back soon."
The answer was pretty odd but Lincoln had no interest to question why a social worker was taking over hostage negotiations.
"What is with the others? I found the corpses of Luan, Lana, Lola, Lori, Leni, Lucy and Luna. Who killed them?"
"Miss Shimmer killed Lori and Leni, Nick killed Luan and Lucy and I killed the twins and Luna," explained the Bunny-Cop with a friendly smile.
"What about Lynn?"
"She was beaten to death by her colleagues for treating you badly," Nick told Lincoln happily. "They used their baseball bats to kill her. Her corpse looks terrifying but it was totally worth it."
Lincoln nodded. "Aha… And you don't plan to arrest the perpetrators?"
"Not for Lynn's murder and not for the good people who killed your terrible family," explained Officer Hopps. "Don't worry about the baby, we brought her to the McBrides."
"An excellent choice," Lincoln lauded the young bunny. "But what about me?"
"What do you mean?" asked Nick who was putting ketchup on Lisa's corpse. "You can continue to live here if you want."
"Or you can live with the McBrides," Judy suggested. "They are the perfect parents, way better than the rotten Lynn Sr. and Rita."

Lincoln just smiled in return. He knew exactly what he had to do next for some reason. There was only one explanation for all of this.
"I need to find the "Room of Eternal Inspiration" and talk to some people."
"What do you mean?" asked Judy.
"The place where the people responsible for this are," Lincoln explained. "For the horrid fate of my family."
"It served them right," defended Nick while crunching on one of Lisa's eyes. "Hmmm… This eye would be even better with some butter. Do you have some, little buddy?"
"I don't usually carry butter with me everywhere. Please, I need to know where I can find the people who are responsible for this mess."
"I think they are down the cellar," Judy started to explain while looking at a variety of different body bags. "Not the best Quality but they deserve nothing better. We also found the cheapest coffins. Lucy Loud has already reserved one for herself but it was decided that she didn't deserve such a nice coffin. The chief donated it to cancer research."
"Isn't it my or Pop-Pop's decision when it comes to the possessions of my dead family?"
The bunny froze. "Well… I…" she started to stutter. "I-I think… I mean… We are the police, so we know the laws better and the law says that you will get to eat a portion of extra tasty ice-cream!"

Lincoln shrugged with his shoulders. "Whatever, do your stupid thing, I have to resolve this mess once and for all."
"What mess?" asked Nick while putting Lisa's legs into a doggy bag. "All your problems got solved."
"By the way Nick."
"Yes?"
Lincoln shot Nick in the head with a shotgun he pulled from thin air and it exploded in the usual over-the-top manner which had nothing to do with reality. While Judy congratulated Lincoln for his good shot, he shot her also dead and walked back into the cellar.

They said that they didn't let them suffer enough, they thought their deaths should have been more gruesome.
They argued about how to saw Lana in two, what acids they could force Lynn to swallow and what would be the best way to blow up Luan.

Then Lincoln Loud broke through the ceiling of the room which was placed under the cellar, landing on one of their laptops, crushing it instantly.

"Hello, you bringers of my misfortune, you overreacting shortsighted fanatics."
They greeted him in a friendly tone and with amicable gestures. They came closer and bowed before Lincoln in a honorable manner.
"Stop this; I am not here to have casual chit-chat with you. I am here to end your interferences with my life. What you do to me is terrible, way more terrible than that my family did to me… More terrible than everything they ever did! And to be honest even that stuff wasn't that terrible. But you guys take the cake!"
They stared at him, unsure what to say.
"Day after day, you treat my family horribly, more horribly than the day before, torturing them, even killing them in such terrible ways again and again! I can't take it anymore!"
The beings said they weren't doing anything bad to him, au contraire, they were doing good things to him. They explained to him that his family deserved some punishment for the things they did for him as they all suddenly started to believe that he was "bad luck", even going so far as kicking him out.

"I have to agree that kicking me out of the house WITHOUT giving me a place to stay elsewhere was a dick move," Lincoln agreed. "Also as they sold my stuff. That escalated quickly but your responses ALSO escalated quickly!"
They defended their choices with many words and elaborate explanations. They said that this family would only learn from its mistakes if they were thoroughly punished for it.
"And killing them is the right punishment? They can't learn anything from being killed! They are just dead and have no chance to redeem themselves!"
This gave them a pause.
"Also, why do you think I would be happy if they were dead? I would be alone, I would to have to go to foster care!"
They argued that the McBrides could take him in.
"Do you know how difficult it is for homosexuals to adopt a child in this country? I bet getting Clyde was a great challenge for them already! And even if they manage it, I don't want to leave my family for whatever reason!"

Then something else came to Lincoln's mind. "Also what is it with the habit of killing me to punish my family? It is obvious I want to live, but how can they compensate for their mistakes when I am dead?"
They said it was a fitting punishment that they don't deserve to make it up to him.
"That doesn't make sense, it is just too cruel! Seriously, you just do it because you like to watch them suffer."
They went silent for a while afterwards.
"You are blinded by hate, nothing more."

They talked together, looked some stuff up on their laptops and computers, researched and tried to find a solution to this problem.
"I think if they apologize, that should be enough. Also giving me some ice cream. And a new video game. And a lot of hugs."
They promised he would get all of this, including a proper punishment for his sisters.
"On that note," continued Lincoln. "I would prefer if you stopped it all together."

They stopped in their endeavors.
They turned to Lincoln.
They looked upon Lincoln as if he suddenly had turned into a 40 feet tall alien that spit ice-cream out of his mouth like a very unorthodox ice-dragon.
"What? Just leave us all alone from now on. I don't need you to "fix" my life. I just need a family now."
They tried to explain-

"NO!" he shouted in anger. "You will just say the same thing again and again. Saying how horrible they are, that I deserve better, they deserve horrible punishment, yada, yada, yada. No, stop. End this with a better ending. I beg you, don't make an epic out of their punishment and don't give me all the sympathy in the world. Just… Just end it in a way where everything can be settled in a better way."

They agreed.

Except one very aggressive voice that was silenced as Lincoln put their keyboard in that voice's mouth.

"Ball of idiocy?"
Lincoln was standing with the rest of the family around Lisa who was taking a spherical object from under the living room's sofa.
"I developed an object to reduce the common sthense in people," the young genius explained. "Through the use of rays coming from very old mobile telephonesch, it can influence the frontal and parietal lobe of people, and reduce the schenschitivity amount in thesche regionsch."
"Why did you even develop such a machine?" Lori asked her little sister, perplexed and slightly angry. "It could have doomed us all!"
"I wanted to figure out if I was able to do it."
"Great answer," was Lori's sarcastic reaction. "But it could have literally condemned us."
"Unlikely," Lisa defended herself and corrected the position of her glasses. "I programmed the schettings in a way that nobody would do schuicidal dumb things, like trying to create a fire in the chimney with a flamethrower and scheveral barrels of oil."

"I think you just gave me an idea," Lana suddenly said and was walking away before one Lori grabbed her and lifted her up.
"Turn that thing off, now!" demanded Luna. "Quick, before I try to eat my own guitar!"
"The radiation isch not THAT intensche my muschicus of a schister," Lisa explained in a dry and serious tone. "I wouldn't risk the life of my family for an eschperiment that could kill you. You may think I am thoughtlessch when I eschperiment on you but I wouldn't give you anything that may prove fatal."

Her words sounded honest, even somewhat emotional.
"I believe you," Lincoln stated. "But why didn't you turn that thing off as soon as it turned everyone into idiots?"
"It wasch more effective than I thought," Lisa explained, sorrow in her voice. "Becausche of the fact I wasch made stupid too. Schtill intelligent enough to be lischted asch a certified geniusch but poor in common schense."
"Just turn it off dude," demanded Luna. "Before we throw Lincoln out again."
"Yesch, of coursche," said Lisa. "Scho, were wasch the off schwitch again…?"

Lincoln put his hand on his face. This ball of idiocy was indeed working better than anyone would have expected. He just pointed at the switch on the top of the ball.
"Oh, thank you brother. That blaschted thing is working eschquisitely."

Lisa turned it off.

"Lincoln, I think we have to apologize to you," Lucy remorseful stated, shocking everyone in the room with her sudden appearance. "We became idiots because of this cursed object but we should have seen through the stupidity of you being cursed. And as I believed it, I didn't search for a way to remove the curse… I am sorry, really sorry Lincoln."
Lincoln shrugged. "It is fine. That was Karma for me wanting to be alone, I guess, and letting you all believe I was a Jinx."
"That wasn't Karma, that was horseapples!" Lynn said angrily. "I mean…. It sounds like you got punished for crossing the road via a space shuttle landing on your head and then exploding!"
"I agree," agreed Lynn Sr. with his daughter. "I can't believe that ball made me so stupid to throw you simply out… I mean I could have sent you to the McBrides for a while or rented you your own apartment while we… I don't know. Did something more reasonable?"
"Whatever Twerp, we literally don't hold any grudge for your wish," explained Lori. "In this house, we all wish for alone time, nothing usual and trying to get some is just natural. And the Jinx thing wouldn't have worked on all of us… Usually."
"I get it," Lisa sighed annoyed. "I will get thisch thing to the universchity and tescht it there more thoroughly in a schafe environment."
"Sounds good," said Rita. "But it would have been better if you had done it from the beginning. You are grounded for the rest of the week."
"Dang it."

Lincoln laughed with the others, it was so freeing for himself.
So freeing that he actually started to cry. First it was tears of joy that then slowly transformed into a cry of pure despair and fear. Pictures flew through his head of gruesome scenarios, some of them included his death to punish his family. He saw his family being torn apart (figuratively and literally), every sibling getting into foster families, his parents into prison, murdered in prison, his family being stabbed, dissolved with acid, shot, exploded, tortured….
He got onto his knees and cried even harder. That they did to them… No, his didn't remember anything but he did and the effect of seeing all those terrible things had finally caught up to him.

His family, helpful as always, gathered around him. He felt embraces, asking him why he was so sad, that everything was okay, that there was nothing to fear, that he could cry as long as he wanted.
They said they were here for him.

Charles played "catch" with Geo the Hamster in the backyard of the house as the little hamster rolled under the porch, Charles following him.
But there was something new, something that stopped them dead in their tracks.
Two people tried to pull a keyboard out of the pharynx of a third one.

Charles wondered what happened here and asked Geo.
Geo assumed this person ran into a very aggressive literary critic.

Before you write any form of angry commentary, please hear my reasoning for writing this first.

I couldn't stand all those "No Such Luck" "Fix"-Fics anymore. Most of them come more across as poorly done "Revenge Fics" instead of serious analysis, character writing and logical plot development.
Or they try to make Lincoln into the ultimate victim, deserving all the pity in the world.

I can't even watch the Episode "No such Luck" in fear I become so enraged I write myself a revenge fanfiction about it.

Yes, there is really a "No Such Luck" Revenge fic there Judy Hopps and Nick Wilde from "Zootopia" appear, as humans but it was weird and out of nowhere regardless. It annoyed me to no end because "Zootopia" is one of my favorite Disney Movies.
Same goes for a Fanfic with Sunset Shimmer from the Western Animation Series "My little Pony: Friendship is Magic" as a social worker who has to look over a hostage crisis later.
It is just so… Bizarre!

I had to make a counterpoint… I know I could have made one around the series in general but this, this Episode and the fallout from it was to poignant to ignore.

I have also to admit that this is far from my best work and a lot shorter but I just have to get this out of my system and I think I covered the general issues as good as I could.
I am also not so arrogant to think that I can change everybody's opinion on "No Such Luck". From what I know about the Episode I know that it was deeply flawed and deserves criticism but it could be more constructive in nature.
I also wish and request for constructive criticism for my little Fanfic.

And to finish I have something to say for everyone who will ignore anything I just said write angry flame comments regardless.
In the immortal words of Stan Marsh to Scientology:

"Well, go on then, sue me!"