"Alright why are you all here?"

Bruce stared expectantly at his three sons, who were all grouped together in the Bat Cave. It wasn't that he didn't want them there, but…well, Tim was always off doing his own thing these days, and Jason was Jason. Dick was pretty much the only one who made impromptu visits to the manor these days, and even then he was often busy with his own job and duties as Nightwing.

And of course, any family outings usually ended badly. Screams, physical violence, death threats…sometimes the odd bullet or two, despite how many times he told Jason to put that damn gun away…yes, Bruce loved his kids, but they were sometimes a bit too much.

Dick smiled and said enthusiastically, "Damian has friends coming over!"

"Damian has friends coming over," Tim said, disbelievingly.

Jason smirked. "Damian has friends coming over."

Bruce wondered how the same sentence could sound so different coming from three different people.

"Yes, but what are you doing here?"

"Spying," Tim said, gesturing to the Batcave monitors, which displayed a clear view of the interior of the manor.

Dick shuffled, looking slightly embarrassed. "We figured Damian would feel more comfortable if we weren't…hovering."

Jason snorted. "Who the hell cares about that? I just want to see how this all goes to shit. Demon Brat with friends? Either he hallucinated the whole thing, his 'friends' are fucking with him and have no intention of showing up, or they will show up and turn out to be completely insane. Either way, this is going to be good."

Of course. Of course this was the one thing that they could bond over. Bruce sighed in exasperation, and briefly wondered if it was really worth telling them to leave. He glanced at them, taking in their varying expressions — Tim's curiosity, Jason's glee, and Dick's happiness — and realised that no, it was probably a waste of time anyway.

Oh he was sure he could easily find a way to kick them out if he really wanted to, but he'd had a long day, and he really wasn't in the mood. And besides — he was still in slight shock that Damian had actually invited people over. He loved his son, but…this was Damian. The boy hated socialising, and spent hours ranting about "those imbeciles" he was forced to study with.

"You know what?" Jason said, lounging lazily in a chair near the monitor. "The kid hallucinated the whole thing. There's no way that Demon Brat actually has — "

The doorbell rang.

The whole family froze, staring at the screen in silent anticipation. This was of course the Wayne family, so that silence lasted exactly a second.

"…Someone ordered pizza. That, or there's someone running away from a deranged serial killer and looking for help. Considering that it's Gotham, I really wouldn't be surprised."

Tim blinked. "Wow. I'm actually agreeing with Jason for once."

"I still hate you, Replacement."

Dick shot them a glare. "Guys! Have some faith! Damian has made so many improvements since he first arrived, and I know that there will be around three people coming here." He paused, and glanced uncertainly at the screen. "…At the very least two. But I'm sure we can hit three."

The four men stared intently at the screen. Damian stared at the door for a moment, before sighing and walking to the door. He opened it, revealing three young girls standing on the other side.

"Yes!" Dick cried, eyes shining. "Three!"

Tim shook his head. "They got the wrong house."

"Yup," Jason said, and then grimaced. "Fuck, now I'm agreeing with Replacement."

Bruce ignored them, his eyes remaining glued to the screen. The girls stepped forward, almost in one synchronised movement, and each beamed widely.

"Hey Damian!" the first one said.

"Heeey!" said another.

"Janet, I already said that."

"But you just said hey from you, and this was like, a hey from me — "

"It was a group hey, okay Janet?!"

"Like, yeah Janet, what are you talking about?"

Damian shot them a look of pure loathing. "Are you coming inside or not?"

The three girls, apparently forgetting their previous argument, all burst into high-pitched giggles.

The occupants of the cave stared at the screen, their jaws unhinged.

"Oh my fucking God," Jason said, "how much crack am I on?"

Dick coughed. "They're…interesting." He looked like he was trying very hard to restrain himself. Bruce could only imagine what his son was really thinking.

He, meanwhile, was trying to come to terms with the fact that these were the friends Damian had decided to invite over. Far from being relieved, he was now even more concerned for his youngest son.

"How are these girls real? This is a joke, right? Damian knew we were watching, and set this whole thing up."

"Jason," Tim said. "It's Damian."

"…Then what the fuck is going on?"

Bruce opened his mouth, in desperate need to say something, when the doorbell rang again. The cave was immediately plunged into silence as they all stared incredulously at the screen.

"…They ordered pizza?"

Everyone turned towards Dick.

He shrugged defensively. "What? I told you he'd get at least three!"

Damian walked over to the door and opened it. A crowd of girls filed in. The expressions on the other three's faces lit up, and they immediately started exchanging enthusiastic greetings with the other girls. Damian watched them, his jaw clenched.

"Guys, what the hell is happening?" Tim choked.

No one answered.

"So," Dick said, once the silence had become too oppressive, "Little D has friends, huh?"

Jason shook his head. "No way is Demon Brat friends with these people! Where did he find them?!"

The doorbell rang yet again, and, as they watched on numbly, another group of girls filed in. Bruce stared in horror at the ever-growing crowd of pre-teen girls, and wondered what the hell was going on.

He was Batman. He didn't like not knowing.

"Maybe we should go up there?" Dick suggested hesitantly. His earlier enthusiasm had dampened considerably.

"Yeah sure," Jason said, sounding uncertain — and if that wasn't a sign that the world had gone crazy, Bruce didn't know what was.

They stood up and filed out of the cave, with equally bewildered expressions on their faces.

...

"So, like, where's Rodd?"

Damian — who'd been preoccupied thinking about what a terrible idea this all was — glanced at Crosby, and frowned slightly. "Who?"

"Rodd. Richard and Todd."

Damian grimaced. "Oh. Them."

"Yeah, where are they?" Moore chimed in.

There was a chorus of agreement from the rest of the group. Damian was once again reminded that this hadn't been one of his smartest ideas. He was honestly disappointed in himself; he'd expect such behaviour from Drake, or Brown, but he should have known better.

The girls continued to voice their approval and admiration of 'Rodd', much to Damian's displeasure.

"They are so hot," Crosby sighed.

"I've never actually seen them."

"I showed you the picture, remember? The one of Richard."

"Oh yeah, he was hot."

"Todd is like, super hot too," Moore chimed in.

"Really buff," Burns sighed.

"Oh my god he sounds hot."

"He is!"

Damian's eye twitched. Oh dear lord, he needed to get them out of his home. Or at the very least distract them, so that they stopped talking. The only thing they did seem interested in, however, was Grayson and Todd, and he didn't want them anywhere near Grayson.

There was Todd, but Damian didn't think Father would be pleased about him leading a group of girls into his 'dead' brothers room.

He was frowning contemplatively when an idea struck him. It was hardly perfect, but these girls didn't seem too picky about the men they latched themselves onto, what with them lusting after Todd of all people…

"You're not going anywhere near Grayson," he told them. "I will, however, grant you access to Drake's room."

Moore leaned forward eagerly. "Is Drake hot?"

Damian blinked. "…He is the normal temperature for a human being."

"Yes, but how does he look?"

Damian sighed in frustration, and gestured towards the stairwell, where a large family portrait was hanging. "Drake is the one standing between Grayson and I. Hardly appealing to the eye, but suitable enough for your tastes, I suppose."

The group erupted into squeals.

"Oh my god, let's go girls!" Moore said, clapping her hands together. "He may not be Richard or Todd, but that guy is a hunk!"

'Oh dear lord, what have I done?' Damian thought, as he lead them towards Drake's room. Oh well — something had to be done, and it was better that he sacrifice Drake than listen to more of this inane conversation.

They were nearing the staircase when Bruce, Dick, Jason and Tim rounded the corner. Damian blanched in horror.

"Oh my god, it's them!" The group erupted into excited whispers.

Jason stared. "What the fuck — ?"

"Rodd!" Crosby squealed. "Oh my god, you guys are like, such an inspiration!"

"Excuse me?"

"And how long have you like, been a thing?" Moore demanded.

They received four incomprehensible stares.

"Damian," Bruce said, his voice strained. "Who are these people?"

"I told you I was having guests over, Father," Damian said calmly. Inside, he was feeling anything but.

"You said you were inviting a few people over."

Damian stared back impassively.

"…You have never mentioned any of these people before."

Damian crossed his arms in front of him. "Father, you wanted me to interact with my peers. Why are you complaining?"

Bruce stared despairingly at the group of pre-teen girls, and wonder if his Brucie persona had finally caught up to him. Was Damian turning into…a playboy?

(No, he thought, no way in Hell. There had to be another explanation).

Dick, meanwhile, felt like he should probably be happy for Damian. He'd always been encouraging the younger boy to have more friends. This however…Damian was growing up. Dick was not ready for that.

"Oh my god, Damian," Burns said, awe in her voice. "Your dad is such a DILF."

Damian frowned. "A what?"

"It means — "

"Okay Dami," Dick cut in, "why don't you and your friends go and…have something to eat?"

Bruce stared at the girl in outright disbelief, while Tim silently mouthed the word 'DILF.'

Moore turned to Dick. "So, like, how long has Rodd been a thing?"

"What?" Dick asked, frowning.

"Rodd!" Moore repeated. "Like, you and Todd!"

"Who? Wait…Jason?" He glanced at Jason, his brow furrowed. "You know Jason?"

"No, but I'd like to. You guys make such a cute couple." Crosby smiled sweetly at them, while the rest of the group burst into another round of excited giggles and whispers.

Jason blanched. "Oh my fucking god, get these bitches away from me!"

Dick simply gaped at them, unable to respond, while Tim looked like he wasn't sure whether to be ecstatic of horrified.

Damian sighed, annoyed. "Would you like to go to my room?" he asked. While he didn't want them anywhere near his personal belongings, he needed to get them far away from his family, and sealed away in a secure location. Once they were all safely inside, he would lock the door, ensuring that they had no opportunities to interact with his family, and then proceed to escape through the window. He was sure that Colin would give him refuge for the night.

Alfred, who had been silently watching on for quite some time, decided now was the perfect time to intervene.

"Perhaps these young ladies would like to watch a movie?"

"Oh my god, is it, like, a romantic comedy?" Crosby asked excitedly. "I love those!"

Damian grimaced. "No, we will not — "

"Yes," Bruce said.

"I hate movies — "

"I don't care."

Damian scowled and decided that, yes, this had been a terrible idea.

...

Needless to say, it was the last time Bruce ever asked Damian to invite his friends over.