First order of business when he got back to Torrington, apologize to Diana for ever giving her shit about how long she took to shop. Getting the cheerleader outfit had been easy, all the sports uniforms were ordered out of the same catalog and it was easy to get a hold of one, all he'd had to do was order the largest size they had available and he was golden. Sure, there had been no way he was going to fit into the top, his shoulders were too broad and he didn't have enough tit to fill it, but the first decent-looking crop top he'd grabbed at the thrift store had worked like a dream.

Apparently, he'd gotten very, very lucky on that one, because actually shopping for these things was proving to be a nightmare.

He'd gone for an actual store this time, assuming that that would mean a better selection of things that actually looked good. It had seemed reasonable at the time. All the skirts and dresses at the thrift store had ranged from 'prom dress' to 'went out of style twenty years ago' to 'I could not tuck my junk enough to make this work' to 'holy shit that's ugly', which he had assumed was why they were donated. Theoretically an actual serious store would have better options.

As near as he could tell it did not have better options. He was just doomed.

"Hold up, Martin? Martin Mystery?" A quick turn revealed a pair of girls a few displays over, ones he recognized from school. It was like flipping a switch, one instant he was leafing through a display, the next he was stood beside one of the girls- with short, red-dyed hair, wearing a leather choker- a skirt still in one hand, pouring on every ounce of charm.

"Hey! Ivy right? Fancy meeting you here…" Ivy was distinctly unimpressed.

"Lesbian," she said simply and Martin briefly deflated before turning his attention to her blonde-haired companion.

"And Tessa-" She put a hand on Ivy's shoulder.

"Girlfriend." Martin frowned, shoulders slumping.

"Damn. So close…" The girls just shook their heads, each in a different stage of smirk.

"Not really, no." Ivy reached out and grabbed away the skirt in Martin's hand. "Tell me you weren't going to buy this? Paisley went out of fashion like, thirty years ago." Truth be told, Martin hadn't entirely been planning to, it was not a good-looking skirt, but…

"There's not exactly a lot that fits around here." The girls' lips quirked into slight frowns and each looked at him with a raised eyebrow. He raised one of his own in challenge- he was still a bit miffed about M.O.M. gasping at the sight of him in a skirt and raring for somebody else to dare start. Comebacks had been planned. After a moment, Tessa seemed to put the pieces together.

"You're buying skirts, for you?" she asked in a tone that bore no judgement but did seek clarification. Martin smiled at her.

"What can I say," he said, shrugging, "they're comfortable and I make them look good." That got a laugh out of them. Okay, more an amused snort out of Lily and a hidden chuckle from Tessa, but it was the most success he'd had with a girl in a month and he was going to roll with it.

Figured that it'd be a pair of lesbians that found him funny.

The girls looked him over appraisingly, Ivy resting her chin in her hand. A few seconds in she nodded, grabbed Tessa's arm, and led her a few feet away. Immediately they fell into a huddle. Martin snuck after them to listen in.

"I saw him in that cheerleader outfit, he does have some curves."

"It's not curves I'm worried about, it's those fucking shoulders."

"Okay, point. So, we avoid sleeves."

"Look around you, sweetheart." Ivy's head popped up just long enough to get the lay of the land and give Martin a Look for following them, then went back down.

"I'm beginning to see how he ended up at the paisley."

"Exactly." She chewed her lip, then both get quieter as they continued their conversation. By the time they finished Martin had turned around and begun going through a nearby display of tops. Blouses, definitely not his thing.

"Martin." He looked back up, smiling as Ivy called him. She continued before he could get his mouth fully open. "Meet us up front in five, we're hitting a different store."

"Oh God, never let me hold anything purple up to him again."

"It wasn't that bad…"

"It made him look like he'd crawled out of a crypt!" Sighing, Tessa shook her head.

"Sorry Martin, looks like the royal color just isn't for you."

"I did say I look best in reds and yellows," he said, gesturing at his familiar shirt. "It looked nice otherwise though." Ivy nodded.

"Yeah, fit and flair might just work for you."

"Okay then," Tessa grinned as she spoke, "we're looking for things with fitted tops then, in warm colors and neutrals. Some of the girls back at school know how to alter shit, so we shouldn't have to worry too much about any excess boob room. Sound like a plan?" Martin and Ivy grinned back at her.

"Sounds like a plan."

Martin was fairly certain the dress was too short for him as soon as he put it on. An opinion that was confirmed as soon as he stepped out of the dressing room, when Tessa clapped a hand over her eyes and Ivy's went impossibly wide.

"Okay that, that's too damn short," she said, patting her girlfriend's shoulder comfortingly and he nodded in agreement, trying to pull the dress down some.

"I'm, just gonna go put on some actual clothes," Martin said, heading back into the dressing room. Tessa whimpered quietly.

"I've gone blind."

"That is a good idea, Martin…"

"You are not bringing Martin Mystery in here." Normally Martin would've been overjoyed to be partially dragged into a room full of hot girls, but even he was given pause by the stern look the new blonde was giving them.

"Martin, this is Sarah, President of the Psi Psi Psi sorority," Ivy said, one hand on his arm and the other holding one of the many bags the three had managed to accumulate. Martin had the rest. "We needed back-up, Sarah, his hair is impossible. Sit down." Tessa had dashed off to get him a seat and Martin followed the command readily. He'd been on his feet all day, and on Center work half the night, the chance to take a load off was more than welcome. The other girls looked around the cleared classroom at each other. Sarah's head fell into one hand.

"Do I even want to know?" she asked as Ivy stepped away to talk a curly-haired brunette into helping tame Martin's mane. Tessa shrugged at her.

"I'm not entirely sure," she responded, "one minute we were helping him find skirts that fit and the next Ivy's trying to make his hair follow the laws of gravity. By the way-" she grabbed one of Martin's bags and held it up "-Eva, you know how to alter clothes, right? Think you could make these tops, not need tits to look good?" As if she was pretty sure she was dreaming, another brunette Martin had to assume was Eva stood up and took the bag.

"I'll, see what I can do?"

"Thanks." Meanwhile, the girl Ivy had been speaking too- Taylor- had come over and started looking at Martin's hair.

"What do you do with it?"

"Nothing," he said, "it's just sorta like this. My dad's too. It's a family thing." She stared at him, then at his hair, then back at him.

"You are so weird…" Shaking her head, she turned to Ivy. "I'm going to need a brush, some hair spray, any clips and accessories you can find-" she stole another glance at Martin's hair "-and possibly some holy water."

"On it." As Ivy gathered Tessa up and left to find the required items, Sarah sighed.

"Are we really doing this?" she asked nobody in particular. "And with this moron?"

"Hey!" A redhead put her hand on her shoulder, shrugging with a smile.

"Well, we were trying to decide on something to do."

"-but what a lot of people don't know," Martin said, surveying his small audience, "is that male selkies are just as hot as their sisters and they can control the weather. There's one village that got wiped right off the coast because they pissed off a selkie family and they pretty much dropped the sea right on top of them."

"Cool!" He had to admit, he was having fun. Yeah he got whacked with a hairbrush every time he tried to flirt, and sometimes he'd say something and half the girls would throw pencils and things at him, but it turned out there was a sizeable portion of the sorority that were more than happy to talk monsters and mythical beasts with him. Besides, how could he not enjoy alternating his time between standing there with pretty girls measuring his chest and holding dresses up to him and sitting there with three pretty girls crowded around his hair?

"Okay, here's a question, would you put Asian dragons in the same category as western dragons?" Martin thought about it a second, leaning back.

"Related, but not the same. Cousins maybe."

"...makes sense." A few of the girls nodded and Martin did so with them, only to get another knock upside the head.

"Stop moving, Mystery, getting your hair flat's hard enough already!"

"That's it, we're shaving his head!"

"Darcy no!"

By the time he left, he had a bunch of clothes, four movie recommendations, three book recommendations, and a list of suggestions in case he ever decided to try out make-up.

Also, a contract stating that he'd keep his wig, wear it, and spare any other poor souls from trying to style his fucking hair, which he had every intention of getting framed.

Huffing, Martin stared down at the tube top in his hand, fingers wriggling through the massive hole in the side. The Center had called the day before and he hadn't had time to change completely- he had no intention of going in front of M.O.M. in a mini again- so he'd just thrown his usual shirts on over his top. It had worked fine, nobody was left waiting around, he was dressed appropriately, it was great.

Then he'd felt the seam pop.

Turned out this particular top was not made to withstand athletics. At least not when Martin was wearing it.

After giving himself a little more time to wallow, he huffed again, got off his bed, and headed out the door with the top balled up in his fist. First things first, he swung by the student office to check what dorm he was heading for, then beelined, being extra cautious once he made it to the right hall. Diana's room was one of the earlier of the girl's dorms and if she found him past it he was pretty sure she'd take his head clean off his shoulders. And then tell their mom. It was a threat he kept in mind even as he found the right door and knocked.

"Martin," Jade asked when she opened the door, head tilting as she eyed him suspiciously, "what are you doing here?" He flashed a toothy smile at her, and at the handful of other Psi Psi Psi girls in her dorm, holding out his top.

"I was wondering if you knew how to fix a split seam." She took it and looked it over, raising an eyebrow at him when she found the hole. "Don't parkour in a tube top." With a snort of laughter, she rolled her eyes.

"It's an easy enough fix," she said, then looked back into the room and at the girls and hesitated. "We were about to start a movie marathon," she finally said, with small motions of tentative approval from the others, "if you want to join?" Martin grinned wider and slipped in passed her.

"Sure!" Aria and Sophia scooted aside on the bed so he could flop down between them, smiling at him as he got comfortable. "What are we watching?"

"I'm telling you, the whole thing would've made a lot more sense if she'd turned out to be a moleman!"

"Oh for fuck's sake…"

"No, no, I'm with him on this one-"

"Marty!" Lil grabbed his arm halfway down the hall to Biology, a massive grin on her face and a thick black book in her hand. She shoved it at Martin as he smiled back at her.

"Uzumaki?" He flipped through the pages curiously. It was a manga, a thick one.

"I saw it at the thrift store yesterday," Lil said, "and I've already got it but I thought 'Junji Ito is right up Martin's alley'. So, I got it for you." Martin nodded.

"Thanks, Lil," he said as he put it into his bag, "I'll try to read it tonight." If anything she smiled wider.

"Awesome," she said, turning back down the hall. "See ya, Marty. And try not to fall asleep in class today?" He gave her a brief wave as she went.

"No promises."

"Why didn't you warn me, Lil? Those poor snail-people!" Lil blinked the sleep from her eyes, supporting herself on her half-open door.

"I take it you're enjoying the manga, Martin?"

"They didn't even do anything!" He was clutching the hardcover to his chest, as he had been since he'd started his trek to the girls' dorm to confront Lil about the affront to basic humanity that had occurred in it. "All they did was run away and have babies! That's it!"

"Glad you're having fun."

"And that, fucking monster goes and destroys their nest! Why?! Just because they're snail-people?! Who does that?! Those eggs were completely innocent!"

"Goodnight, Marty." The door slowly shut.

"Innocent, Lil!"

By the next morning, Martin had left her twelve missed calls.

He met up with Madeline outside the empty classroom where the sorority held their meetings, and where he'd been waiting for fifteen minutes for the last one to finish up. Even he felt a little bit skeevy lying in wait for her, especially given what he wanted to discuss, but it wasn't worth interrupting a meeting for and she kept busy enough to be hard to get a hold of the rest of the time. So, Martin'd waited, flashed the other girls smiles and exchanged quick hellos as they passed, then fell into step beside her.

"We might have a problem," he said, and she raised a curious eyebrow.

"Oh?" He nodded.

"I'm worried about your new thing with Anthony." She stopped there, swinging around to stand in front of him. Her eyes were narrowed and her mouth a thin line.

"Hold up, you're going to warn me off my boyfriend?" Martin reeled back at the incredulity in her voice.

"Hey, what's with the tone," he demanded, "I'm just trying to help!"

"We all like you Martin," Madeline said, raising a brow, "but no girl with a brain is going to take any sort've boyfriend warning from you." He was hurt, truly, honestly, as she turned around and kept walking.

"He was talking about putting another notch in his belt in the locker room before gym," he said as if she'd never shut him down in the first place. She stopped and looked at him with suspicion. "I was gonna just challenge him to a duel, you know, Highlander, 'there can only be one playboy in this school' style, but I left my sword at home during the last break. So, I figured I'd just tell you." She couldn't resist chuckling when he pantomimed a swordfight, and shook her head with a sigh.

"See you later, Martin."

It was four days later when she grabbed his arm in the middle of the courtyard and began dragging him towards the cafeteria, snarl on her face and tears in her eyes.

"You are buying me ice cream and then you are going to explain why you boys are all such dicks." He blinked at her and let himself be pulled along.

"Sure thing, Maddie."

After forty minutes in the feminine hygiene aisle of the local drugstore, two confused employees, six calls back to confirm that yes Darcy needs these, no nobody else can get them, just get the damn things already what's taking so long, and the slowly dawning realization that there was no 'Panda' company that made pads, Martin stormed into the Psi Psi Psi meeting room only to be greeted by a crowd of laughing girls. He made sure to glare at each and every one of them.

"You are all, every one of you, an asshole." Shaking in her laughter, Sarah walked across the room and pulled him into a side hug.

"Takes one to know one, Marty."

"Martin Mystery, stand up." Martin blinked, looking around at the girls, before complying. Sarah, Paige, and Arianna were standing at the head of the room, straight-backed and serious, and he was suddenly concerned about having been invited to this meeting. "The Psi Psi Psi council has thought a long, long, long time, had many discussions on this topic, and have finally come to a hard-made decision." She went quiet, looking around the room at the other girls. Martin adjusted his dress for the sake of fidgeting. After an eternal second, Sarah smiled at him.

"We'd like to formally invite you into the Psi Psi Psi Sisterhood." He froze. What? 'Formally invite…' For real? A grin broke over his face. Cool. Taking a moment to let it sink in and plan his response, he gave her a toothy smirk. It was too big an opening not to take.

"See, I knew you girls couldn't resist me." A chorus of groans broke out around him and he was immediately bombarded with everything from snacks to paper balls to hairbands. But, when the chaos died down, all the girls were smiling. Including Sarah.

"And of course, now," she said, "your first order of sorority business." Her smile took a sinister, teasing turn. "The next time you flirt with a sister we're shaving your fucking head."