Hiding My Heart, a high school musical fanfic

So this is how the story went

I met someone by accident

It wasn't as if Chad Danforth had ever fully intended to fall in love; he didn't think anyone purposely fell in love. It seemed like a stupid thing to do. He'd liked Taylor – he'd liked her a lot – and she'd liked him back and that had been enough for the two of them in high school. It was probably another reason he never really understood Troy and Gabriella. It was too much for two teenagers. Chad would support his best friend, after what he'd done to Troy and Gabriella the first time, he felt too guilty to do anything else. And he genuinely liked Gabriella. There was nothing wrong with her.

There was also nothing wrong with liking a girl but also looking at other girls. It was high school. He was seventeen. He liked Taylor and she liked him back but neither of thought they were going to grow up and get married, especially not right after she decided that he wasn't worth hating and they might have more in common than your average brainiac and jock did. Chad had always assumed Gabriella and Troy were going to end up together, really end up together, and that they were assuming the same thing.

(He was right, but more on that later.)

Chad had strict ideas about seventeen and no one challenged those, even with the uprisings they had with the status quo, there was something pure about being seventeen. Something that no one could take away from a boy sneaking into the girl's locker room to kiss his girlfriend while she balanced on the edge of the bathroom counter. Something that remained unchallenged, even when he walked in the house half an hour after curfew while his father waited up for him. Chad figured he and Taylor would continue on until they got bored or one of them caught stronger feelings for another person. Truth be told, with the way he loved basketball and being with the team and being free, Chad would have never figured it would have been him. He had always assumed she would put her big brain to use and fall in love with someone who didn't like his hours at the gym more than his hours on the phone with her.

And then they ended up working at the Lava Springs Country Club. It was a good summer, as far as summers went, and nothing that happened over those few months warranted the sour taste that appeared in his mouth whenever he reflected. (Not that he ever did a lot of reflecting, it wasn't really his style.) Yeah, he and Troy had fought, but they were best friends – were still and always would be. Best friends didn't mean that two people ended up agreeing on everything. Troy had been a jerk and he'd eventually figured it out. Chad didn't hold it against him; not now and not by the time that summer had ended.

Ryan Evans was the reason that Chad always ended up with a frown on his brow and his hands half clenched into fists whenever his mind wandered backward. It wasn't entirely Ryan's fault, per se. Chad had come to realize that it was more his own actions that he took issue with, but, sometimes it wasn't easy to blame himself and Ryan's was the only face that Chad could truly attach to the whole mess. No one else knew. Chad had a secret to protect and Ryan, well, if Chad was being honest (and he could be honest now), Ryan had just loved him.

That blew me away

It was when summer came back around, when the heat became its most unbearable in Albuquerque, and Troy and Gabriella and the kids are inviting him over for barbeques and noontime swim sessions, that Chad ended up thinking back to the resort most often. To a different pool that he was never allowed to swim in and kitchen food that he spent too long surrounded by but never really got to eat.

Well, that was a lie. Once, he'd gorged himself on it. Mostly out of spite and not out of real hunger. He'd told his dad he was spending the night at Troy's, because they'd ended up working late and it was just going to be easier to catch a ride back to work with him in the morning. It had been too many details for a story his father would never think of questioning. Chad was with Troy. There had never been anything weird about that. Except Troy was being a brat and they hadn't spoken in about a week and Chad clocked out of the kitchens and went to Ryan's room, sneaking the entire way. He hadn't thought about anyone seeing him or what he would say if they did. He'd still been wearing his uniform! He had to walk by Sharpay's room – covered in pink glitter and gold stars; it wasn't as if he'd expected anything less from Sharpay, but he'd still rolled his eyes – and then he was at Ryan's door. He'd been told to walk right in, but he couldn't do that.

He knocked. (He'd never felt so stupid over a knock before.)

Ryan answered and Chad had laughed.

"What is it?" Ryan had asked.

"I didn't know you owned sweatpants."

Ryan shrugged and gestured to his outfit – loose-fitting, bright blue sweatpants and a white wife beater. If the sweatpants hadn't been so obnoxiously coloured, it was something Chad might have warn himself. It wasn't something he'd ever expected to find the flamboyant, impeccably fashionable Ryan to wear.

"It's not as if I'm putting on a show all the time," Ryan said. "That's Shar's job."

"Yeah, I saw the door."

"She'll never change." Ryan wiggled the door. "Coming in or camping in the hall all night?"

"I … guess I'll come in."

It was what he was here for, after all, and he didn't know why he felt so nervous. It was just a room. Ryan was just a guy. Chad had been in a lot of his teammates' houses and, subsequently, their rooms before. He'd never been nervous then. Except, Ryan had kissed him, and Chad had never kissed another boy before.

(He'd been in Taylor's room after they had kissed and he hadn't felt butterflies like he was now.)

Ryan shut the door behind him and the click of the lock sounded so final. Chad tried to make a joke about it. "Keeping me hostage?"

"Unless you want to see Sharpay in her rollers, I suggest you learn to appreciate the lock."

"Witches can't walk through walls?"

Ryan sat down on the end of his bed – queen sized, neon green comforter. If there was something that Chad knew about the Evans family, it was that they all liked their flashy colours. He wondered if it was in their genes or ingrained at birth, and then he berated himself for thinking about something so dumb. What did he care what was in Ryan's jeans? Er, genes, Chad.

"Be nice to Shar, hmm?" Ryan said. "I know she's … evil incarnate, sometimes, but she's still my sister. There are some things I wouldn't survive without her."

Chad sauntered over to the window, thinking that staring over blackened view of the golf course was better than staring at the baseball bat in the corner of the room or the shorts Ryan had worn earlier that day and left draped over the back of his desk chair. Not that there was anything intimate about staring at another guy's pants. He was a basketball player; he'd been in his fair share of locker rooms. There was nothing hot about locker rooms. But he and Ryan weren't in a locker room and there was something to say about how endearing Ryan's hat hair was.

"Yeah, like what?"

"Twin secrets."

Chad glanced at Ryan, whose eyes were glinting.

"Can I ask you something?"

Ryan spread his hands; he was an open book. Chad knew that. "Shoot."

"Is that twin telepathy thing real?"

There came a sharp knock at the door. "Ryan! Ryan? I hear talking!"

Ryan dropped his voice, "You can't hear anything through these walls. I haven't heard a peep through any of her slumber parties or pool boys. Go hide in the bathroom. It'll just be a minute."

"Ryan! What are you doing?"

"The hokey pokey, hold on a second."

Chad escaped to the bathroom. Apparently, twin telepathy was too real. He shut the door and awkwardly leant against it. He was hiding in the bathroom like he was about to get caught by his girlfriend's parents with his pants around his ankles. He took the few minutes to text Taylor, tell her that he'd see her in the morning and to have a good night. It was habit. It was routine. Unlike kissing Ryan Evans after a baseball game. That wasn't routine. Neither was (accidentally) brushing his hand in the halls when they passed each other. Neither was ending up in Ryan Evans' bedroom with no clue on what he wanted to happen. If he wanted anything to happen. Taylor answered him back quickly. She always did.

(Later, he'd think the reason he never stopped to feel guilty was that he knew he wouldn't be upset if she had done something like this to him.)

Ryan knocked softly on the door and gestured Chad out of the bathroom. "I sent her back to bed. She needs her beauty rest."

"Her face isn't the problem."

"Her face is my face," Ryan said. "Sort of. Mostly."

"It's not entirely the same face," Chad argued.

"No?" Ryan said. "I've always thought we looked a lot alike."

"You do, but I wouldn't do this to her face."

Chad didn't think twice about taking Ryan's chin in his hand and pressing their lips together for the second time. There was something pure about being seventeen that allowed him the freedom to not care about the consequences in the morning. There would be consequences. There would be a lot to deal with. Chad wasn't stupid, but he decided that in the moment was the better place to be, because Ryan was kissing him back with a fever and it set Chad alive in a way that no one else's kisses had ever done to him. Chad gripped onto him tightly until they were out of breath, and when Ryan had to turn his head away to gasp for air, a curse fell from his mouth. It was the first time he'd ever heard Ryan say something like that and, like the dropping of a veil, Chad felt as though he could see Ryan as a person instead of the image Chad had always known in school.

(There was nothing more exhilarating.)

By the time the morning sun rose, they had barely slept. Their hair was mussed (there was no trace of Ryan's hat hair left) and their lips were swollen and Chad wasn't sure where his shirt had gone but Ryan had steadfastly refused to let Chad take his off, no matter how Chad had kissed his lips or gripped his hips and it had been the only source of frustration to Chad all night. (Because the hours they had spent, kissing, touching and talking had been too oddly perfect to let anything annoying in to mess with them, even though Chad annoyed himself with the thought of it. It was too girly to be his thought, and yet, here he was.) Ryan's shirt was still the only thing wrong in his life as he and Ryan burrowed under the covers on that large bed, face to face in the middle instead of letting any space between them. The sunrise should have brought awkwardness and truths to deal with, but they were still far away from Chad's mind. It wasn't worth worrying about when Ryan was still close. That was the only clarity that daylight brought: Chad wanted to keep Ryan close.

Chad heard a faint buzzing and he knew immediately what it was. His phone alarm.

"I have to be at work soon."

Ryan was gently uncoiling one of Chad's curls. "Call in sick. I will too."

"What do you have to call in sick from?"

"My life," Ryan said. "Kitchen's open now. I'll order breakfast and then we can actually sleep."

Taylor was going to notice. Chad wondered if his best friend would. This job was supposed to be for college and for proving he was responsible. Too many people would notice if he didn't show up at work today and it was only going to call attention to himself.

"Deal. I get to pick breakfast."

"Go crazy," Ryan said, "It's on Mom and Dad."

So, Chad went nuts.

It was in the darkest of my days

When you took my sorrow and you took my pain

And buried them away, you buried them away

Chad kept his high school yearbooks close at hand: in the bookshelf, by his desk, in the apartment he rented. Troy never came over without poking fun at Chad for being nostalgic, since Chad only had a vague idea of where his college yearbook was, but it wasn't as if Troy had a leg to stand on. Chad hadn't been convinced that Troy and Gabriella would ever move back to New Mexico, but Troy was coaching at good ol' East High now, and it didn't become more nostalgic than that. Chad closed his laptop – he was a life insurance salesman, whose life goal was that? He didn't hate it, but he'd been lying if he said he wasn't constantly bored – and pulled out the yearbook from his senior year. Its pages were overly stuffed with photos. Ones that Ryan took and Chad was supposed to keep more safe and secure than he did. He and Taylor had still been together – Ryan had been on the fence about wanting to come out and Chad hadn't wanted to answer questions and so the fact that Chad had a girlfriend on the side didn't exactly come up as a conversation topic between them often – and there was surprisingly sentimental quote from her at the beginning of the yearbook. It hadn't made him feel guilty as a teenager. Now, as an adult, with hindsight to tell him how awful he'd been to her, he was beginning to feel guiltier, especially when his conscience reminded him of her ignorance. It made it all worse, somehow.

He flipped to page eighteen of the yearbook. His favourite photograph. Ryan had liked taking selfies of himself, and the two of them, and Chad had good-naturedly played along, thinking that it was what a real boyfriend did, and then immediately falling into the spiral of whether or not he wanted to be a real boyfriend to Ryan. It was a week into senior year and Chad was sitting in Ryan's room at the Evans' mansion. He hadn't even had to be smuggled up – they were in the same biology class that year, while Sharpay was not, and even she couldn't find a fault with studying, even though Chad wasn't free from her snide comments. Chad had snarled under his breath at her. He wanted to be good to her for Ryan's sake, but not only did she make it difficult, he didn't want to make her suspicious by being nice.

Ryan had locked the door behind him.

"They won't find that weird?" Chad asked.

"No, I always do it. Mom and Sharpay are really nosy, and sometimes I like my privacy."

"Privacy from me?" Chad asked.

He sat on Ryan's bed. It was his first time actually in Ryan's actual house, but with the way things had been over the summer – from the making out to the intimate conversations – he wasn't about to be uncomfortable anywhere that Ryan was.

"It could be argued that you know too much about me, for how long we've actually been friends."

Friends. It wasn't inaccurate, at the least.

Ryan rested his hat on the edge of his dresser and then slowly walked up to Chad, who was coming to the realization that he was no longer questioning how seductive he found Ryan's walk to be. It was just part of Ryan being Ryan and Chad just liked Ryan. It was so simple that there couldn't be anything wrong with it. Chad reached out, putting a hand on each of Ryan's hips and guiding him forward until Ryan was straddling him.

"So, how was first week of classes for you?" Ryan asked casually.

"Miss Darbus has been drinking the Kool-Aid over the summer."

"Miss Darbus is wonderful."

"Sharpay's pet."

"Not true," Ryan said. "You just don't like her."

"Do we have to talk about classes right now?"

"No," Ryan said, and then Chad was surrounded by Ryan's kiss.

Chad was starting to think that these moments were when he felt most alive. When there was nothing but Ryan's body heat and the feel of his heartbeat. Chad lifted the edge of Ryan's t-shirt, and Ryan shoved his hand down.

"No."

"What's the big deal?" Chad asked. "You've seen me without my shirt on at least a dozen times and I don't even get to put my hand on your back."

"Just file it under things you don't know about me," Ryan said, "and leave it alone."

"I don't want to leave it alone. I want to know everything about you, Ry. Do you have a third nipple or something?"

"No, it's not that." Ryan climbed off Chad's lap to sit as far away from him as possible without leaving the bed. "I don't think you're going to understand."

"I'm not a dumb jock."

"That wasn't what I said!"

Chad's temper flared and he was close to grabbing his things and leaving Ryan behind. He wasn't here for drama. He wasn't even here for sex, since he and Ryan hadn't gone further than heated kisses and hands skimming over fabric. He just liked Ryan and he just wanted to keep his place next to him, but that didn't mean he was going to put up with playing games. He liked Ryan because it was so natural to be next to him. It was the place that he felt the best at. Ryan made him feel at his best.

"Then what did you say?"

"You've got such a great life, Chad!"

(Which seemed like something Chad should be saying to Ryan instead of the other way around, and Chad wasn't sure how it had ended up like this.)

"And that's just not how my life is."

"Ryan, you've got weird, doting parents and Sharpay and a mansion. What's so bad about your life?"

"I … forget I said anything," Ryan said. "We can just go back to making out."

"No. We've been talking about some tough stuff this summer. Why can't we talk about this?"

"This is … the toughest stuff in my life," Ryan said. "It's one of those things where it's just me and Sharpay."

"You've completely lost me."

"The only other person in the world I can talk to is Sharpay."

The more Ryan talked, the more Chad started to feel like there was something deeply sinister lurking on Ryan's skin, which didn't make sense to him, because Ryan was wearing bright yellow, personifying the ball of sunshine he always was.

"Can't you talk to me at all?" Chad asked, anticipating a 'no' and feeling crushed about it. (He shouldn't feel so devastated.)

"I just don't know what you'd say," Ryan said.

"I won't know until you show me. What? Bad tattoo? I don't know."

"I don't have any tattoos," Ryan said. "Look, um, just know it's over. It's really over. Sharpay watches me like a hawk."

"What's over? Us?"

"No." Ryan shuffled back down the bed. "Take my shirt off. It's okay."

Chad wasn't so sure he wanted to anymore. Taking Ryan's shirt off was just supposed to be about getting his nails against Ryan's back while Ryan sat on top of him. But he knew that Ryan was about to trust him with something. Chad didn't want to turn him away now. He wanted to gather every detail about Ryan that he could and keep it close to him. He just wanted to know Ryan.

(He should want to know Taylor like that.)

Chad hooked his hands under Ryan's shirt and pulled upward. He was intensely curious, but he also knew it would mean more if he was still meeting Ryan's eyes instead of looking down when the shirt was pulled off and discarded on the floor. He didn't know why it would mean more, but he waited until Ryan looked at him one more time before letting his gaze wander down, across Ryan's thin collarbone, across his pecs, and then down to his ribs and stomach. Chad never thought of himself as someone to get shocked too easily, but he gasped when he saw Ryan's skin.

Chad had never thought much about self-harm either. He had never thought about doing it, he had never known anyone who had, except for that girl who he had shared a math class with freshman year. They had sat next to each other for about a day and he had easily been able to spot the delicate red lines that ran across her wrist. He had thought of her as attention seeking; she hadn't even tried to hide it. He would never apply the words 'attention seeking' to what Ryan had done to himself. The scars were thick and ropy, raised up off the skin in such a way that Chad knew they must have been brutal to heal like that. And there was just so much of it. It was impossible to ignore; but with where they were, possible to miss.

"You didn't have to show me."

(He felt like he had bullied Ryan into something.)

"It's all right. I wanted to. I just didn't know if I wanted to face what you were going to say."

Chad didn't have anything to say and that was part of the problem. He pulled Ryan down so that Ryan's head was in his lap and then he ran his large hands over Ryan's bumpy skin. He lost track of how many times he had to do it, before he was finally able to let his hands pause, their only movement was to rise and fall with Ryan's breathing. He bowed his head.

"It doesn't change my opinion of you."

"Thank you."

(He never understood why Ryan thanked him.)

Chad kissed him, softer and sweeter than he had anticipated, and it was the beginning of a new wave of feelings for them; feelings that carried them strong through senior year.

And buried them away, you buried them away

Chad had been staring at the envelope for eight months now. He had hastily ripped it open when he had first received it, checking the date and feeling his heart thrum in his chest like he was part hummingbird. An East High ten-year reunion. Everyone had to come back for that. At the very least, Sharpay would be strutting in with an L.A. tan, bragging about the last movie she was in. And the image of Sharpay would never be complete without her twin, the Broadway star. Since the end of September of their first year of college, Chad had fantasized about seeing Ryan again. He had imagined a plethora of circumstances that it could happen in. He had never imagined something as mundane as a high school reunion.

And, yet, tonight was the night. It was semi-formal attire and Chad had toiled over whether or not to wear a tie. He didn't want to be overdressed. He wanted Ryan to know Chad had dressed up for him. He wondered if it would matter. He had Googled Ryan Evans, who was reportedly in the midst of a torrid love affair with a movie star his sister had introduced him to. And what did Chad expect to come of tonight? Did he think their feelings had waited ten years? He doubted it.

It wasn't as if Chad had found an apartment to squat in until Ryan came back. He had dated. Men and women. At first to figure himself out. Then, because, as far as he understood, he liked both. He had admitted it to Troy alone, who accepted him without question and then who had (likely) turned around and spilt the beans to Gabriella, but Chad expected that to happen. It wasn't as if Gabriella had ever mentioned it to him, but Chad had always felt like he could bring a boyfriend over when he was invited to their place for dinner, which he was, often. He was the godfather to their three children, and, as Troy often joked, they loved him more than they loved their own father. Not that Chad had ever had a boyfriend to take to dinner. His last serious relationship had been with a woman, and that had last three years. Chad had nearly bought her a ring, until it had crumbled away with one honest conversation that she felt like they were together because it was easy, not because they loved one another. (Chad had never disagreed with her assessment.) Since then, he had dates and he had hook-ups, but they were never anyone he could take to dinner.

(On his foolish nights, Chad could picture taking Ryan to dinner, but he mostly chalked it up to nostalgia.)

Chad went to the reunion with Troy and Gabriella, the kids left at home with the neighbour's fifteen-year-old. As they parked in the school parking lot, Chad wondered if he would be the only single one to show up. No, he couldn't be.

Twenty minutes in, with no sign of Ryan or Sharpay, Chad found himself lurking over the punchbowl with Taylor, wondering what had happened to him. He used to be able to be the life of the party. But Gabriella had insisted on arriving exactly at the start time, and half of the Wildcats had yet to show their aging faces.

"Are you sure this isn't spiked?" Taylor asked.

"I didn't spike the punch," Chad said.

She rested one hand on her bulging stomach. Chad tried to imagine being at that point where he was thinking about kids and marriage. Thirty was just around the corner, and no matter how many people he knew that moved onto that stage, Chad just could never picture himself being in that place.

"You would have."

"Oh, yeah, but back then it was funny. No one was pregnant."

"I hope someone else pregnant shows up soon," Taylor said. "I don't want to be the only whale in the room."

"You look good, Taylor. Where's the father?"

"China. He travels a lot, for work. Makes me jealous."

"Danforth!"

"And the Wildcats call," Taylor said, rolling her eyes in a way that was familiar. "I guess I'll talk to you later."

"Wait!" Chad caught her wrist. "I …" Did he do it? Did he clear his conscience after all of these years or did he let he walk away, thinking he was a halfway decent high school boyfriend? "I want to talk to you about something."

(No one had ever called Chad Danforth selfless.)

They sat at the table in the corner, and he wondered how much to tell her. He hadn't anticipated on this. He didn't have a script. He didn't know if she would even care at all. She was a married woman, pregnant with her first child. How much did she have invested in the past?"

"I need to apologize to you."

"For what?"

"Being an awful boyfriend, in high school."

Taylor laughed at him. "There's a reason we didn't even try a long-distance relationship. Even so, you didn't suck."

It was high praise, coming from her. "I never told you, and I don't know how much you ever realized, but there was someone else."

"What?" Taylor didn't shriek, it wasn't in her nature. Her voice sank low and dangerous and her eyes narrowed at him.

"I mean, this was ten years ago so it can't be that bad, right?"

"Ten years ago, and you still feel the need to tell me now! Who? How long?"

Who was never something he could tell. He and Ryan had agreed on secrecy back then, and Chad wasn't about to break that now. Even though Ryan was out. Ryan wouldn't do that to him. "It started the summer we worked at the resort."

"The summer right after we started dating. You were cheating on me for our entire relationship?" Chad could see anger flaring in her eyes; he didn't blame her. He was surprised that she was so blindsided that she dropped her question of who.

"Well, um," Chad blustered.

Taylor scoffed. "You're unbelievable, Danforth."

"Taylor –"

For a pregnant woman, she moved surprisingly quickly. She was gone in the crowd and he was left with faces that he only half-remembered, and people whose names were only recalled when he heard their voices. He started in on a quest for Troy, when the lights suddenly dimmed. The room seemed to freeze as spotlights began to dance around the room. It was then that Chad knew. There was no one else at East High that would require spotlights (and no one else that East High would cater to). He bulled his way to the front of the crowd, and there was Sharpay, flashy in a gown that had probably been designed for a red carpet. On her arm was Ryan. She was waving like a queen would to her peasants, and Chad just stared at Ryan. He was wearing dark pants and a teal button-up that went perfectly with Sharpay's dress. A custom job. He had known Sharpay and Ryan long enough to know that their outfits weren't left to chance. His trademark hat was perched on his head and the years had not changed him.

(Chad wouldn't admit it, but his knees went weak.)

Chad wanted nothing more to approach, but Sharpay was, as she always been, the queen bee in charge. He would have to wait until she was reunited with one of her gal pals and Ryan was left to wander on his own before he could interact with him. Which took longer than Chad wanted it to, but he had plenty of distractions. Taylor had told Gabriella about Chad's high school indiscretion and now, not only was Gabriella on a rampage to protect her friend, but Troy was scouting for Chad as well – at least Troy had given him a heads-up in the form of 'next time I see you, I'll have to report to my wife'. Being in high school made him feel like he was really back in high school. He wasn't one to complain about how the cliques had essentially been dissolved, but there was something to be said about how simple cliques had made his life, once upon a time.

Chad found himself in a huddle with the basketball team, reliving the chant that had taken them to victory.

"What team?"

"Wildcats!"

"What team!?"

"Wildcats!"

"What team!?" Chad roared.

"WILDCATS!" the team screamed back, like they were teenagers again.

(So high school wasn't all bad.)

Chad turned around, raising his fists in victory, and that was when he spotted Ryan, Sharpay free, talking to Kelsi in the corner. Perfect. He hadn't gotten to speak to Kelsi yet either. It was the nicest nondescript entrance he could have asked for. Except when he was three steps away, Kelsi was called away by someone else and Ryan was alone.

"Hey, stranger."

"Chad!" Ryan lit up and Chad's heart jumped in his chest. "How are you?"

"I've been good." This was weird. A mistake. There was something between them, but not enough of something for Chad to know what it was. Was it the remnants of everything they had once had or was it chemistry anew, waiting to boil over? "You're a big deal now."

"Not as big of a deal as Sharpay is."

"That's a matter of opinion." That was too flirtatious, Chad. "I mean, your boyfriend has to think you're a big deal." That was too desperate, Chad.

"I don't have a boyfriend."

"Really? Because I've seen articles about –"

"A paparazzi invention," Ryan interrupted. "You've been looking up articles about me?"

"Oh, well." Chad wanted to wave it off, but he found himself just averting his eyes and giving a half-shrug, half-nod sort of gesture.

"High school reunions are lame," Ryan said. "My sister put on too big of a show for this,"

"Yeah, it's not the most exciting time."

"I'm only in town one night. I'd hate to be bored …" Ryan said. "But, before I go find excitement, I should meet your wife?"

"You're fishing and I'm single." Chad leant forward, slightly too into Ryan's personal space, but Ryan didn't back down. "If you're that bored, then you just have to ask me how close I live to here."

Ryan bit his lip and then looked over his shoulder, where Sharpay was chatting up Miss Darbus. Chad watched Ryan's exuberant facial expressions and was able to pinpoint the exact moment Ryan stopped considering. "How close do you live to here?"

And I wish I could lay down beside you

When the day is done

Chad slammed his front door behind him, his flesh aching for Ryan's touch, since the other man had been nothing but a tease on the way over. Ryan was two steps ahead of him.

"Nice place."

There wasn't much to see from the kitchen light that Chad had left on, and Chad didn't care to watch Ryan scrutinize his apartment, because Ryan was in his apartment and Ryan had said he was only here for one night. Chad had no idea how far one night extended to, and he was about to waste a moment. He grabbed Ryan's waist, pulling him flush to him. Ryan gasped and Chad didn't let him draw another breath. He kissed Ryan passionately and Ryan's hips jerked against his own. Chad backed Ryan up against the wall, picking him up.

"I'm glad you still work out," Ryan panted.

"Me too."

He pressed his mouth against Ryan's neck, running his tongue along the soft skin before biting down. Ryan gasped and jerked, his legs tightening around Chad.

"Should've asked," Chad said, "before trying to leave marks on you."

"I have stage makeup that'll cover anything."

It was exactly what Chad had wanted to hear, though he didn't know how much he could take no for answer when Ryan had maneuvered his shirt over his head and Ryan's nails were scratching down his back. Chad pushed his hands under Ryan's shirt, feeling the bumps of his scars and the heave of his ribs.

"Are we just going to stay at the door?" Ryan asked. "I can think of other places I'd like to see. Be a gentleman, Chad, let me see your apartment."

Ryan had always been like that. A little more determined; a little more well-versed in what he wanted. Chad had always chalked it up to Ryan knowing what he wanted from a relationship with a boy whereas Chad was just trying to get his feet under him and his body over Ryan's.

"I can't carry you."

"Dare you to try."

Chad secured hands under Ryan, taking his time to grope and fondle the tight skin of the back of his thighs.

"Someone taught you how to be a tease," Ryan murmured, his teeth grazing the sensitive skin under Chad's ear. "It used to be all I could do to even get halfway naked before you – Oh!"

Chad picked up Ryan off the wall. He had never realized how little he knew his apartment when he was stumbling through it, his arms full of Ryan Evans, who wasn't letting up on the sensual assault of his neck. He dropped Ryan down on the bed, not giving Ryan half a second to even adjust to his surroundings before pinning him down into his mattress. It wasn't long before their clothes were completely shed and they had found the rhythm that Chad had been missing since the last time they had done this.

And wake up to your face under the morning sun

Chad woke up first, Ryan under his arm, the blanket too low on his hips for Chad to ignore completely. He wasn't focused on that, though. He kept one hand tight to Ryan's bare side and the other he slowly dragged across the expanse of Ryan's torso. Those scars. As hard as he had always tried, he had never been able to understand those scars completely. He had spent hours touching them, kissing them. He had done it because it made Ryan feel better and because he wanted to figure it out. He had wanted to know. Ryan had tried to explain, but that sort of pain had always escaped Chad. And Ryan, his happy, ray of sunshine, had never seemed like he could be in the dark place. At least, not while they had known one another. They had always gone to school together and Chad had always known known who he was from afar, but it had always been in the context of Sharpay.

"I think you're thinking too hard for this time in the morning," Ryan said.

Chad had missed that voice, first thing in the morning, full of sleep and the remnants of dreams. Even now, years after he thought he'd learnt he shouldn't pigeonhole people, he was still telling himself not to be such a chick after thoughts like that.

"You've got me thinking."

"Well, don't keep your thoughts to yourself," Ryan urged. "We didn't exactly get a chance to talk last night."

"Would you have preferred that?"

Ryan grinned. "I didn't say that. I just haven't seen you in a long time. How's your life, Chad?"

"Fine, I guess. It's work and hanging out with Troy's kids."

"Yeah? How old?"

"Vanessa and KayCee are the twins and they're five this year and Matt's only nine months."

"Sounds like they've got their hands full."

"Well, I babysit a lot; they love me."

"Sounds like a good life."

"It's no Broadway stage, that's for sure. You happy, Ryan?"

"Yeah, I love what I do. I never really thought about being the one that would end up on stage. That's always been Shar, but I'm happy trying out the acting and singing. I think when this show runs its course, though, I might go back to focusing on choreography. It's what I love."

Chad had loved watching him dance. There had been days when Ryan had invited him over to the empty Evans home and Chad would find him, in the basement, which had been converted to a dance studio. Ryan would just be practicing; just be trying out dance moves and sometimes tripping over his own feet as he went. But Ryan had been strength and grace and other things that Chad couldn't be a proper name to in those moments that he was dancing and Chad had never tired of seeing it.

He ran his thumb over Ryan's ribs. So many scars; so much pain to carry around daily. When Chad looked at Ryan, he never saw it. "Don't lie to me, Ryan."

"I'm not lying to you."

"Were you always happy?"

Ryan's hand covered Chad's, pressing it flat to Ryan's skin. "You know the answer to that. I'm happy in my life now."

"You've been unhappy since we last saw each other."

"Everyone's unhappy sometimes."

"Not everyone's happy like you're unhappy."

Chad saw the flicker of awareness in Ryan's eyes and he thought Ryan would try and deny it again. Then, Ryan sighed. "It was always hard to keep things from you, you know."

"Probably why you did most of the talking."

"Sorry about that," Ryan said.

"I liked listening to you," Chad said. "And everything you weren't sure how to say. Which is how I noticed you have more scars now than you did back then."

"You never struck me as that observant."

"I remember everything about you." Too honest, for their only morning after in a decade, and Ryan was about to go back to New York and leave Chad behind, again. He didn't know if Ryan would be coming back again. His parents had even left – they'd retired to Florida. There was nothing to bring Ryan back here again. After this, Chad was going to have to let him go. Completely. For real this time. He meant it. At least, he wanted to mean it.

"I'm okay now. I got through it. First year of college is always the hardest."

First year. When they had stopped speaking. When Chad had started waiting.

"How about I make you breakfast?" Chad suggested, and then he was out of bed before Ryan could respond.

But like everything I've ever known

I'm sure you'll go one day

Chad adjusted his gym bag over one shoulder and looked up at the sun. It was hot today, but what else was new for late September, even at ten in the morning. He didn't like being a morning person, but try-outs for basketball were in full-heat, and Chad knew he was close to getting one of the two open spots on the team this year. He'd live in the gym if that was what it took. He reached for his water bottle and pulled his tangled earphones out of his pocket. He thought of playing his music and then he reached for his phone instead. What were the odds Ryan would be busy at twelve on a Saturday?

Good. Really good. Ryan was always busy. And Chad got it. Julliard wasn't a place you went to when you wanted to slack off. Ryan always seemed happy on the rare occasion he answered a text or, miracle of miracles, answered the phone. It had been a month and a half since Ryan had left for school and already the communication was petering off. Before the summer had ended, they had promised one another they would keep in touch, at the very least. And then, when school had ended and real life had started, they would talk about where they were. What they wanted to do. What they really wanted from one another. Chad's answer had been a little too simple, in his opinion. He wanted the happiness that waking up next to Ryan brought him, and he wanted that all the time.

He took a chance and pressed dial. It rang eight times and he was thinking he should just hang up and cut his losses, because there was no way he was leaving a voicemail, when Ryan picked up.

"Chad, hi."

"Hi. I, uh, just wanted to check in. How are you?"

"Great, great! You just caught me between rehearsal and lunch."

"You've got some time to talk?"

"If you don't mind listening to me chew."

Chad laughed. "I don't think I'll mind. What are we having for lunch?"

"Turkey club."

"Turkey imported from Maine?"

"Sharpay likes things how she likes them," Ryan said. "How are you? Basketball try-outs are still happening, right? How's that going?"

Ryan had remembered his basketball try-outs. It shouldn't surprise Chad, just from the sheer amount that he had spent talking about his try-outs, but he was also sure that he could have mentioned it once and Ryan would have remembered. That was just who Ryan was.

"It's good, everything's good."

Except for the fact that he missed his life from two months ago. He missed summer, having the friends that he would never be able to replace just a call away, instead of too many miles to consider. He didn't dislike being at college; in fact, he rather liked his life now. There was just a nostalgic, almost bittersweet, flavour to everything. He liked his life now, but he had loved his life then. He didn't want to betray it, because he didn't know if he could be happier than he was when he was a Wildcat.

"Everything's good? Then, tell me about everything."

Chad was happy to. He walked across campus, the sun in his face and Ryan's voice in his ear. He felt comforted and, for a moment, the ache in his heart was eased.

So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away

And I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away

Chad pulled bacon and eggs out of his fridge and shoved them on his counter. He tried to busy himself by making noise, but that couldn't cover the sound of Ryan's approaching footsteps. He was barefoot, which he had always preferred. Chad could remember Ryan stripping off socks and shoes once they were in his bedroom and just wiggling his toes – his pinkie able to stretch out far enough that Chad thought it creepy. He had still given him endless foot massages which had a habit of turning into calf massages, then thigh massages until the idea of a massage had been forgotten.

"Chad?"

"Would you like breakfast? Or do you have to leave soon?"

"No, I don't have to be anywhere until two." Ryan crept into the kitchen and Chad didn't turn to face him. "It's just unusual. Never had anyone run away from me like that after sex before. Especially not you. You were always the cuddler."

Chad ignored that and pulled out a frying pan.

"I know I did a lot of the talking but I didn't do all of it. You should talk to me now," Ryan suggested.

"Why?"

"Because I'm still standing in your house and it's weird," Ryan said bluntly. "And since you know what's going on and I don't, logic just kind of flows toward you talking."

Chad turned to face Ryan, who hadn't bothered to dress beyond his underwear and those new scars were glaring at Chad. He sighed.

"Look, we just haven't seen each other in a long time."

"Yeah. I know. You never seemed the regretful type, Chad."

"You are a regret, Ryan, one I don't get!" Chad exclaimed. "One I've been thinking about since freshman year of college when you disappeared on me! I get it. We didn't have a real relationship and I know you didn't have an obligation to me or anything like that, but I thought we did have something real! Where the hell did you go? And where the hell have you been because I haven't stopped thinking about you for years!"

"So, what? You wish you'd never brought me home last night or you wish you didn't have any part in what we were for two years of you wish you'd never met me at all? Which one is it, Chad?"

Ryan's bright eyes went stormier than Chad had ever seen them and he hated the mask of hurt that stole slowly over Ryan's face. It wasn't what Chad had meant to do, although Chad wasn't really sure what he'd been intending to do either. For so long, he had just thought of what he might say to Ryan and never once had it occurred to him to try and organize it coherently.

"No! I wish … wish I'd … chased you down when you stopped talking to me or followed you to Julliard or anything else. You've been my what if for nearly ten years, Ryan!" Chad took a few steps closer to him and Ryan never dropped his gaze, challenging him to keep going. "And then I see you again for one night and I can't control myself and then we're lying in bed and I see those new scars that cropped up right after we stopped talking and I have to realize all over again that I don't know why we stopped talking in the first place! Why did you stop answering my calls?"

"Because I started cutting again," Ryan said, "and I couldn't face you having done that."

"Why start?"

"Because, for the first time in my life, I was without Shar. And for the first time in years, I was without you. And I made new friends and I talked about you with people who didn't know you and I realized that I was in love with you, but you never loved me back. You were with Taylor the entire time we were together. I kissed you the first time knowing that but I never thought we would get as far as we did. I couldn't think of you anymore, Chad."

Chad reached for Ryan slowly, giving Ryan time to decide on whether or not he wanted Chad's touch now. Ryan leant into him, though, and Chad drew him close so that he and Ryan were nose to nose.

"So, what happens if I tell you I loved you the whole time?"

"It can't change anything now," Ryan said. "Past is past, and, we've got lives now."

(Chad sort of had a life; babysitting Troy's kids were the highlight of it.)

"I don't know about that. Understanding might bring me closure, because I've had years for this to drive me crazy!"

"I thought about you too," Ryan said. "A lot. Every time I had to take my shirt off in front of someone, I saw your face first. You're like … my yardstick. I think it was because you were my first for most things. First time, first love, first time opening up like that."

"Sharpay doesn't count."

"Sharpay reads my mind," Ryan countered. "Sisters are different. She's always been a part of me, built-in. You were the first person I chose. And, you've stuck with me, Chad. I just think I shouldn't be so stuck."

Part of Chad agreed.

(Part of Chad wanted Ryan to stay stuck.)

"So, what do we do?"

"You make me breakfast and then we talk and then at two o'clock, we start to move on." Ryan sighed. "I think."

He looked nostalgic and sad; he didn't look like Chad wanted to see Ryan, all bright smiles and happy heart. It was how Ryan deserved to be.

"What's the alternative?" Chad said.

"There isn't one," Ryan said.

Chad didn't like his options, but while there was still daylight, and there was still Ryan, he was going to bend his head and kiss him lightly. It was softer than the fevered kisses they had been sharing and it was sweet enough to send Chad's heart racing slightly. It made him think that he wanted to find an alternative.

(There wasn't one.)

"Take a spot on the counter," Chad offered. "I can show off my lack of culinary skills."

That made Ryan smile a little, and that was what made Chad's heart truly start beating too fast.

"I meant it, Chad, I want you to talk to me. I want to know all about you now."

Ryan jumped up onto the counter, lithe and smooth and damn beautiful.

(Stop being a chick, Chad.)

"I'm not too much different," Chad said. "Really. I sell insurance and am bored. I play basketball on Thursdays with Troy, some Wildcats … There's just a league run at the gym. I do a lot of work as a godfather, you know? Simple stuff. I go out on dates sometimes. Sometimes, Gabriella tries to introduce me to people. I try and go. Why not, right?"

"Right. You're still happy here in Albuquerque?"

"It's home," Chad said. "But, it's no New York. I guess that's home to you now."

"It should be, shouldn't it? Sometimes, though, I still miss being here. Sometimes, I don't think I can breathe in New York. I'm fortunate to have the money to travel and just escape. The energy of the city is fun, until you start wanting open sky and lots of land and buildings under three stories."

"Why don't you come back?"

"What's here? Not my parents; not Shar. I didn't exactly stay close to anyone in high school." Ryan shrugged. "Gabriella and I play Facebook games sometimes. I like pictures of her kids. She says good luck when I say it's show night."

"We're not Facebook friends."

"I didn't want to see your face that often," Ryan admitted. "And then I thought it had been too long to try and add you. I shouldn't have been embarrassed."

Chad carefully cracked the eggs. "It's not something I would consider one of your most prominent personality traits."

"Ha," Ryan said. "I don't know. I like the show I'm doing now. Once I'm done, though, I think that's it for me."

"Then what?"

"Dance. Choreograph. Teach children. Something like that. I think I want something new."

"New is … good?"

(Something old, something new? Chad didn't know, he was just blue.)

"I think so. Aren't you ready for something new?"

Chad had no idea. He felt like he had spent his entire life looking back.

I dropped you off at the train station

And put a kiss on top of your head

I watched you wave

Ryan's hotel room was better than Chad's apartment. Chad opened the sliding door to the balcony. He should stop being surprised at the splendor that the Evans family so casually lived in, but he'd had such a distance from it for the past few years.

"It's nice being on top," Chad commented, looking at the ground far below.

"You'd know," Ryan teased.

Chad rolled his eyes and stepped back into the room, shutting the door. "It seems like such a waste, you know, to rent a hotel room and only be in it long enough to drop off your bags."

"And pick them up," Ryan said, raising his eyebrows at Chad. "I've got to be at the train station in an hour."

"That's another thing," Chad said. "Who takes trains anymore?"

"I'm going to visit Shar in L.A. for a few days. I thought it might be fun to take a train. I'm so used to long flights that even short ones are annoying at this point."

"Aren't you going to steal the hotel soap or something?" Chad asked, watching Ryan double check the hotel room for anything he might have left behind.

"Nah," Ryan said. "I don't see the point. Leave it for someone else to steal."

Chad watched Ryan finally zip up the side of his suitcase. He was ready to go. (Chad wasn't ready for him to go.)

"How long do you think it takes to get from the train station from here?"

"Maybe twenty minutes, not long. You don't have to drive me, though."

"I want to." Chad sauntered away from the window and up behind Ryan. "And it sounded like we have a few minutes before we need to leave. You haven't checked out yet, so …"

"You can't make me late."

"One more last time," Chad said.

(Then he'd let Ryan go.)

"Well, I'm convinced," Ryan said, and then he shoved Chad down onto the bed.

(Which was just as nice as Chad thought it would be.)

I watched you wave

Then I went on home to my skyscrapers

Neon lights and waiting papers

That I call home

I call it home

Chad yawned and stretched his arms up over his head, trying to roll the stiffness out of his shoulders. He had spent the day with Vanessa and KayCee while Troy ran a late basketball practice and Gabriella and Matt attended one of her friends' baby shower. He had spent the afternoon throwing them from one side of the pool to the other and then, when that was done, letting them sloppily paint his nails. They'd tried for eyeshadow, but he'd drawn the line at that.

He was looking forward to being in his empty apartment, with whatever possibly questionable sandwich meat he had in his fridge and sitting down to whatever channel he'd left his TV on. He closed his eyes as the elevator ascended to his floor. A week since their high school reunion. A week since he'd agreed to let Ryan go, and the other man was even more in his thoughts than he normally was. Ryan had finally added him as a Facebook friend, but neither of them had gotten up the courage to message the other.

(Chad hoped it was lack of courage and not apathy on Ryan's part.)

The elevator doors opened and Chad pulled his keys from his pocket. He opened the door to his apartment and froze. There was loud pop music blaring from somewhere inside, a woman's louder voice shrieking over the lyrics. Chad headed into his living room, and the last person he expected to see (Ryan included) was sitting there, her sharp eyes never leaving his as she mouthed the last few words to the music she was listening to.

Chad stabbed the off button on his stereo. "Sharpay! What the hell are you doing here?"

"I'm not allowed to drop in on an old high school friend?" she asked, sugar sweet as she uncrossed her legs and stood up from the couch.

Chad rolled his eyes. She was overdressed for someone who was just dropping in on an old friend. Her pink dress was tight and its neckline too low. To say nothing of the glittery heels she had on. She looked like Sharpay; Chad just wished she looked like Sharpay somewhere else.

"Let's not pretend we were ever friends."

"Fine," she said, her voice suddenly stern. "We won't pretend."

"Great. Let's start with the truth about how you got in my apartment?"

Sharpay grinned. "I signed an autograph for your landlord's daughter."

That can't be legal. "So, why are you here?"

Sharpay opened her large purse, beginning to dig around. "I love my brother, even you can't argue that."

"I think that's the only thing I wouldn't," Chad admitted, and Sharpay momentarily glanced at him in surprise. "I've seen the twin thing."

"Well, this is half from that and half from actual conversation." Sharpay produced a plain white envelope from her purse. "These are for you."

"From Ryan?"

"No," Sharpay said. "From me. Don't screw him up twice, Chad, or I will kill you. Clearly, I know where you live."

"Wha –"

"Here, Fluffy!" Sharpay called, and a furry white mass emerged from under his couch. It barked and Sharpay scooped it up. "I think she peed on your bed. Sorry, toodles!"

She waved at him and then she was out the door. Chad watched her go and then looked down at the envelope and then thought of the possible dog pee. He weighed them in his mind for a while, but Ryan won out. Or, whatever it had to do with Ryan. Chad carefully opened the envelope, in case the contents were delicate. He pulled out four things. The first, was a photograph of he and Ryan. One from high school that he didn't have, where Ryan was only half in the photo, because he was trying to take a picture of he and Chad mid-kiss.

His heart ached (he wanted to ignore it; he couldn't ignore it).

The second thing in there was a ticket to Ryan's play, for Saturday night. Why would Sharpay get him a ticket? (He'd thought of getting himself a ticket.) Could he afford to go? (He'd make it happen.) Did he want to go? (That wasn't even really a question.) He flipped to the next thing in his envelope. Sharpay had bought him a plane ticket to New York. He pretended he wasn't shaking as he looked at the last thing Sharpay had given him. A handwritten note, in her large, pretentious handwriting.

Chad,

He loves you, and because I love him, I want what's best for him. I just hope you're not going to break his heart again. Don't let him down.

XOXO,

Sharpay

Complete with a curly heart, which was what actually took up most of the page. Chad just stared at what he had been given. Sharpay was a lot of things and, despite the time that he had spent with Ryan, he had never been able to think a lot of good things about her self-centred, vain persona. She had never proven herself to be a person to him, but he was holding at least some proof of her humanity now. She loved Ryan. Chad loved Ryan, but, it was time to wonder how much. It was time to wonder if he was in love with a memory, if he was in love with the physicality that they could share, or if he was ready to love Ryan as a whole person. For real, this time, out in the open. No holdbacks, no excuses, no apologies. To fly to New York and to offer anything else would just be an insult to Ryan.

(To Chad too, if he thought about it.)

Chad stared down at the options in front of him and he knew that he couldn't make his decision alone. He picked up his cell phone and called Troy's phone.

His best friend would be here in twenty minutes.

Now, to deal with the potential dog pee.

And I wish I could lay down beside you

When the day is done

And wake up to your face against the morning sun

Chad woke abruptly, the sun on his face and a slight pound in his head. He sat up in bed, his mind scrambling as he squinted against the sun. He ran his hands through his hair and his headache grew worse. He'd been drinking last night, he was sure of it. Why wouldn't he? His parents were gone for the weekend and he and Troy had probably – No. Not he and Troy. For the first time, Chad had invited Ryan to come to his house, rather than the other way around. Ryan's parents were just as loving as his own, but they were nowhere near as attentive. His father was perceptive; his mother was practically psychic.

And, they liked Taylor. Whatever was going on between he and Ryan (and inside of himself), Chad was not ready for that conversation to be held with his parents.

But where was Ryan?

Chad pushed the blankets off himself and stretched.

"Ry?"

Not upstairs anywhere. Chad slowly descended into his kitchen, where Ryan was carefully flipping pancakes, wearing Chad's t-shirt.

"Good morning," Chad said, and Ryan jumped.

"I didn't think you were awake! I was going to surprise you with breakfast!"

"Thanks," Chad said. "I'm still surprised."

"Sorry for going through your cupboards."

"Breakfast is a nice trade." Chad leant against the counter. "Nice shirt."

"I like it. Your shirts are comfortable. Funny too."

I Major In Vacation. Well, if Ryan thought it was funny.

"I'd say you could take one of mine too," Ryan said, "but I don't think it'd fit you."

"Then don't wear your sweaters three sizes too small so I can take one of them," Chad proposed. "You wear your clothes too tight."

"That a complaint, Danforth?"

"Not always, Evans," Chad teased.

Ryan carefully flipped a pancake. "You think your mom would mind me going through the cupboards?"

"No. She's pretty chill."

"Would you introduce me to her?"

"As what?" Chad asked carefully.

"A friend, I guess," Ryan said. "I don't want to talk about anything more than that, Chad. I don't want to tell my secrets about anything else."

Chad thought that someone would have to be blind to not, at least, suspect something non-heterosexual about Ryan's orientation, but he held his tongue. Ryan was gay, Chad was interested in boys like Ryan and girls like Taylor. That had been the extent of that particular conversation.

"We're friends," Chad said. "All right. Next time we have a fake bio project, we study here."

"You're a pushover," Ryan said.

"Just for you."

"So, you'll tell me a story? And find me plates?"

Chad reached into the cupboard just above Ryan's head, pulling down two plates for their pancakes, though Ryan only had two finished thus far.

"A story about what?"

"I don't know. About you, when you were little Chad, maybe?"

"I've told you lots of stories like that. Or were you just not listening?"

"I was listening," Ryan said. "And, you like telling stories about when you were thirteen and older. What about tiny you."

"Make you a deal. If breakfast is good, I'll show you old pictures and tell you stories to go with them."

"Deal." Ryan reached his hand across to shake Chad's hand. "And breakfast is going to be phenomenal."

"I'll hold you to that."

"Do it," Ryan challenged.

(Breakfast was better than phenomenal. Ryan ended up seeing his two-year-old bathtub photos).

But like everything I've ever known

I'm sure you'll go one day

Troy laid the two tickets on either side of Sharpay's note, leaning on Chad's kitchen table. Chad sat in the chair opposite him, feeling the photo of he and Ryan burning his pocket. Troy knew the general details of he and Ryan, but he still wanted to keep his pictures to himself.

"Go."

"That's all you're going to say?"

Troy looked up and shrugged, then spread his hands. "If you want to?"

"What if it's a mistake?"

"At least you'll know."

(It might have been the best piece of advice Troy had ever given.)

Chad hesitated, still. If he went after Ryan, everything would change. Hadn't he been waiting for a change?

"What if I'd rather not know?"

"That seems stupid," Troy countered. "Does Ryan still matter to you?"

Chad nodded. Ryan hadn't left his mind in years. That had to mean something big. Something integral. It had to mean that Ryan was something worth figuring out.

"Sharpay bought these," Chad pointed out. "Ryan didn't. I might not matter to him."

"Oh, right, because he paid so little attention to you during the reunion. It was like he didn't even know you were alive."

"You're not funny."

Troy was unapologetic. "Sharpay definitely knows something about Ryan we don't. And it's not like Sharpay even likes you."

That was definitely true. "Ryan matters to her."

"Right under money and fame."

"Don't forget herself and whatever that thing was that she let pee on my bedroom floor." Chad shuddered at the thought. "It was like a mop."

"Your hair?"

"Shut up."

"I vote go," Troy said. "If not, you're going to keep wondering what if. The only way to figure it out is to chase him. Really see if you're ready to move on, because if you're having doubts, then maybe it isn't time."

Chad pulled the plane ticket over to himself, holding it up in front of his eyes. "First class."

"You've got it made!" Troy said, and then he frowned. "Is the nail polish from my daughters?"

"Yeah. I'd never put nail polish on if it weren't for them. I blame you for this."

Troy shrugged. "I blame Gabriella. So, what are you going to do? Sharpay didn't give you a lot of time to think about this."

"I know."

"I mean, what can go wrong? Might as well."

(That was the worst piece of advice Troy had ever given.)

So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away

And I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away

If Chad was going to make his flight, he had to be at the airport in two hours. It would take a small chunk of that time to get there from his apartment. He hadn't packed anything. He hadn't done anything but stare at Sharpay's envelope, wondering when the hell he got so damn fearful. He couldn't remember ever being like this. In high school, he'd been carefree and happy; hadn't bothered to worry even when he should have been.

He went back to his high school yearbook, looking at Taylor's farewell inscription, and then on the photos of Ryan that fell out from between his pages. He looked at one of the rare photos he had taken, where Ryan was looking at him, and Ryan looked in love.

"I loved you, but you never love me."

Those words would haunt him. So much of Ryan had been haunting him for ten years. His heart constricted, and he wondered what he was doing still standing here. He wondered what he had thought he was doing these past few days, agonizing over a decision that he had always knew the answer to. Of course he was going to go to Ryan. No matter who had been with, no matter who he had loved, it was always Ryan that his mind had come back to. That had to mean something. Ryan had talked about getting unstuck, but Chad was even more entrenched than he had been before. He had to get to Ryan.

Chad called a taxi while he raced to his bedroom and threw the first few articles of clean clothing he could find into his bag. He wouldn't need much. His return date from Sharpay was Sunday night. If Ryan cast him out, he would only have to find a dingy motel for two nights. The taxi called, and Chad locked his apartment door behind him. (Now that he was on his way, he was finding he was getting less scared.)

He couldn't wait to see Ryan.

I woke up feeling heavy hearted

I'm going back to where I started

The morning rain

Chad had never been to New York, before, but he had almost gone over the spring break, his first year of college. He had thought of a lie to tell his parents, about wanting to do something exciting and new with friends, because that was what school was for. They would have understood. For all of his shenanigans, he had never been untrustworthy. If only because they had never suspected anything that he and Ryan were actually doing.

Chad had gotten to the point where he was actively going on websites, doing more calculations on price versus air time versus airline quality than he had done in any of the math classes that he had taken that semester. He was doing mental gymnastics with his bank account and was thinking of asking his parents for an early loan on birthday money, just so that he could be sure he wasn't struggling. He even thought of how he'd ask, of how he would innocently tell his mother that he would bring back souvenirs for them. (He would have, too, it wasn't as if he were lying about that.)

All for a man that hadn't spoken to him in months. All because Ryan Evans was, simply, Ryan Evans. Chad didn't understand what had happened between them. He just wanted to know where Ryan went. He just wanted to have him back. He wanted to hear Ryan's voice, telling him all about his day, in that excited, chipper tone that Ryan always wore so well. Whatever they had, Chad wanted it back.

Chad had been about to buy the plane ticket when his fingers had frozen, just above his laptop keys. He couldn't go after Ryan. If Ryan wanted him around, then Ryan would keep him around. It was that simple. (It shouldn't be.) He hesitated, and then looked at his phone. If Ryan called now, if Ryan messaged him now, if he had a sign from God, anything, he would buy the plane ticket.

But there was nothing.

(He should have known.)

And you know I wish that you were here

But that same old road that brought me here

Is calling me home

Sharpay had gotten him a front row seat. He had seen everything beautifully close. Every step, every breath. He had watched Ryan play the flirtatious best friend of the main character. Chad was on the edge of his seat every time Ryan spoke, every time he broke into song. Chad had missed hearing him sing, almost as much as he had missed watching Ryan dance. He was almost sad when the show ended and the cast came out for the bows. It had been good, and, mostly importantly, it had been a distraction. Now, there was nothing to do but stand and clap, hoping that, somehow, Ryan would be able to see his face beyond the stage lights. It was a false hope, because Ryan looked happy – like it was any other show (to him, it was) – and the cast left the stage.

Chad fidgeted. He couldn't sit here – what would be the point? This wasn't how the cast left the building. Where did the cast leave the building? How did he find Ryan? Sharpay had neglected that detail. Or, perhaps not. Maybe her shrewd mind enjoyed the game, no matter who the players were. Maybe she wanted him to prove that he cared enough about Ryan to figure out how to find him now.

Dressing room?

Was it going to be difficult to get there? Of course it was. (He'd figure it out). Even if it did make him feel like a villain or a peeping tom. He did his best not to skulk (sort of), thinking that if he looked like he knew what he was doing, it would be more likely that he'd be allowed to continue on through. It seemed to work in the movies. He got a few odd looks, but it didn't look like anyone was about to report him. At least, no one called him out on it. Ryan had one of the leading roles, so Chad was hoping he'd have his own dressing rooms.

(He'd never expected backstage to be so maze-like.)

He finally found a door with Ryan's name on it. He heard sounds of talking come from within; it was cracked open anyway. He knocked, trying to be light and trying to make himself heard at the same time. He sent the door creaking open. The lead in the play – a tall, black woman, wearing a nice floral dress and fluffy slippers – was leaning on the back of Ryan's chair, while Ryan faced away from him. She was beautiful, Chad would admit that, and if Ryan hadn't been sitting in front of her, Chad probably wouldn't have been able to take his eyes off her.

"Who are you?" she asked him.

That was when Ryan turned. Chad saw his beautiful eyes widen, and that was when Ryan mouthed his name. That was almost Chad's undoing.

"Liz, I'll catch up with you later."

She bent down, and loudly whispered, "Is that the guy you're always talking about?"

"Yes," Ryan said. "Please, give us a moment."

"You have to call me later tonight."

"Tomorrow," Ryan corrected.

Liz looked Chad over once, and he felt very naked while she was doing it. She swept by him, and she smelt mostly like roses (a little like sweat). Chad watched her go and then he glanced back at Ryan.

"Shut the door, Chad."

(So stern!) Chad did as was asked, and then he leant against it. He didn't know if he was allowed to come closer. They were in Ryan's space now, and he really wasn't sure how to act. He had an entire plane ride to think about what to say to Ryan once they were in front of each other again, and he hadn't the faintest idea of what to say.

Ryan smiled at him, and Chad felt his entire body relax. "What are you doing here?"

"Act of God," Chad said.

"You teleported?" Ryan guessed.

"Sharpay bought me tickets," Chad said. "I guess she thinks I'm a coward."

"Are you?"

"Yeah." (There was no point in denying anything now.)

"So, why'd you come?"

"I needed to see you again. I didn't want the last time we saw each other to be the last time. Or to leave it the way we left it. All through high school, you were almost all of me."

"The rest of you being basketball and Troy." Ryan paused. "Also, Taylor."

"Right, also, and that was a mistake. I think that's one of the things that's been bothering me all these years. That we could have been different, better, done it a little more right."

"I didn't want to come out in high school. You didn't want to leave Taylor. What else could have been done? It wasn't bad." Ryan stood up, but didn't come any closer. "Is that why you're here?"

"We had sex. We didn't really talk."

"Did you want to?" Ryan asked.

"Tell me right now you want me to leave and we'll never speak again," Chad said. "Or let me take you to dinner."

"I have one more question first," Ryan said, and that was when he sauntered forward, keeping Chad pinned, helpless, against the door. "Are you here because you care about me or are you here because you just want to put the past away?"

"I'm here because I loved you during the best years of my life –"

"And you're, what, just trying to recapture that?" Ryan cocked his eyebrow, in that inquisitive, innocent way.

"And it was loving you that made them the best years," Chad added, his soul feeling just a little too naked with the sentiment. "You've been on my mind every day since. And I'm here because I care about you. Because I want to talk about how much you care about me and to figure out, once and for all, how much of that feeling is still present between us. I guess that I … I feel it, Ry, and it's real for me."

Ryan studied him, but only for a moment. (Chad had always been easy for Ryan to understand. For better or worse.) "I pick the place, okay?"

"I wouldn't know where to go," Chad said. "I'm following you."

Chad waited at the door while Ryan scrubbed off his stage make-up and grabbed his wallet and keys from where he'd left them in his dressing room. He put his hat on his head, and then Chad opened the door for Ryan. Once they were on their way, Ryan took his hand. He was confident and unapologetic about it. Ryan took them to a diner-style place; it wasn't the type of restaurant that Chad pictured when he thought of dining in New York. But it was a comfortable place, and he and Ryan were able to get a comfortable, two-person booth along the back wall. Ryan deliberately kept the topic to menu choices and the tacky décor until their food had been dropped off.

Ryan took his hat off and rested it on the table. "So, Chad, where do we start?"

(Where indeed.)

"I don't know."

No one would ever call Chad Danforth a liar.

(In this moment, at least.)

And I wish I could lay down beside you

When the day is done

And wake up to your face against the morning sun

Ryan dipped his French fry in his ketchup puddle, never taking his eyes off Chad.

"Do you want me here, Ry?" (Did he want to know the answer?)

"Yeah. But, I'm a coward too. I just keep wondering how much it's going to hurt, this time. When you leave. When the pieces have to be put back together."

"Would you hate for me to leave?"

"You have a life in Albuquerque. What are you going to do here?"

"Live off the dime of superstar, Ryan Evans. Play housewife. Unless you don't have a house."

"Apartment," Ryan said. "You'd be playing apartment boyfriend? Unless 'housewife' was the saddest attempt at a marriage proposal anyone's ever seen."

"I don't want to marry you."

"Well, now I'm offended." Ryan kept dipping the end of his fry in the ketchup, but he never ate it.

"That wasn't what I meant." Chad felt his cheeks go a little too warm. "Um. To rephrase, I guess. I want to try and be with you, if that's what you want."

He pulled the lettuce from his burger. (Why did he do that? He liked lettuce.) And then he started nervously chewing on the edge of the leaf, like an anxiety-ridden rabbit.

"My show doesn't end for another –"

"I know the run," Chad said, and he felt his blush intensify. "I looked it up."

"For us to be together, we'd have to really be together. No long distance or phone calls or flying back and forth. I wouldn't want to play that kind of game. We tried it once, with whatever pseudo-relationship thing we had going on in high school –"

"It was real! We were together!"

"Not in the way that you called 'boyfriend' or introduced me to your parents as something more than a biology partner for a million fake projects. Not in the way you held my hand in public or kissed me in front of people. That honour went to Taylor, and it was wrong, Chad. The more I think about it, the more I hate that I went along with it. That I was even happy being the other person."

"You're not going to be the other person. We're not going to do that. I want to be yours. I wasn't joking about coming here – just about being a mooch. If I could go back to high school, do it all again, I'd be better for you, because I want to be that guy for you."

"Want to be and can be are two different things." Ryan made a face. "Wow. That was so not me."

"I deserved it. And I wasn't joking about moving here."

"You said that already."

"I guess I just want you to put me out of my misery." After ten years of not really understanding how miserable he was.

"How do I do that?"

"Tell me the truth. Tell me everything you've ever thought about me and then either send me home or take me home with you, and then let me stay. I want to be with you. I want to try a real relationship with you. That's all I've been thinking about since we stopped talking ten years ago. Sad, huh?"

"A little," Ryan said.

At least Chad knew he wasn't being lied to. Under the table, he felt Ryan's foot slide up the inside of his leg. He tried to study Ryan's face, but Ryan wasn't easy to read. Ryan had gotten good at hiding things, at always having a smile on his face; he was a born performer, but Chad wished that Ryan never performed in front of him. (Rather, that Ryan never felt the need to pretend to him.)

"Here's what I think."

Chad braced himself, but he wasn't sure what for. For the best? For the worst? Dragons. It was probably dragons. (Not the time, Danforth!)

"I think I loved you in high school. I think the way we handled things was awful and we shouldn't have done any of it, but we can't change that. I think I have been waiting for too long to hear you say what you just did. I think I'm glad that Sharpay is a woman of action, because otherwise we wouldn't be sitting here. I think that for me to say that you should give up your life and come be here with me is a big deal, for both of us. It's jumping in with both feet when we haven't known each other since we were eighteen. I think it's stupid and terrifying and it's the worst idea I've ever heard."

"Oh." Chad looked down at his burger. "I guess I'll go now. I guess I shouldn't have even come. I –"

"I'm not finished," Ryan said, holding up a finger. "It's stupid, it's reckless, and we should absolutely do it."

"You mean that."

"I do." (He was so serious looking!) Ryan reached across the table and Chad surrendered his hand before he even realized he was doing so. "If only to teach us a lesson."

"You have no faith," Chad said.

"More than you think." Ryan took the hat from his head and placed it on Chad's head. Chad tipped it back so he could see Ryan's eyes and Ryan smiled at him. "So, let's do this,"

Chad squeezed his hand and then broke out into a wide grin. "Yeah, let's do it."

They grinned at each other until Ryan sighed and said, "You know, the hat doesn't look good on you, give it back."

(And, somehow, it didn't ruin the moment, it made it better.)

"No, I like it, I'm going to keep it."

"Chad, my head's naked!"

"Well, you gave me the hat," Chad said. "And I like it."

Ryan shook his head and then self-consciously touched his hair. "Come on. I've got stage hair. Let me cover it."

Chad gave the hat back. "You know I can steal it back, right? That you just invited me to move in with you."

"I know."

"You're insane."

"We," Ryan corrected. "And we're only insane if it doesn't work."

"It's going to work," Chad said confidently.

(It had to. After everything.)

"Hey, Ryan?"

"Yeah?"

"Where do you live, anyway?"

Ryan laughed.

They'd figure it out.

(Along with everything else.)

But like everything I've ever known

You'll disappear someday

The sound of crying echoed around the apartment, immediately followed by the sound of Gabriella quietly cooing. Chad abandoned the box he was working on and walked quietly to his bedroom, where Gabriella was soothing Matt, who had been very abruptly woken from his nap.

"He doesn't want you to go," Gabriella joked, not even turning.

Chad wasn't surprised. Maternal instinct had kicked in her with Gabriella and she always seemed to know who was where, when. It was a good thing that Troy never lied to her; now would certainly not be the time to start.

"Aww, I'll miss you too, Matt," Chad said.

"No one will miss you more than the girls," Gabriella said.

"You're going to have to find a new babysitter."

Gabriella sighed dramatically. "What will we do without you?"

"I'll miss you too. Thanks for helping me pack."

"You'd do it for us."

That was true. Chad left the bedroom, Gabriella on his heels. He went back to packing up the kitchen while Gabriella prepared the baby a bottle. He could feel her gaze on him as he moved around, but he waited patiently. He was sure that she had something to say to him (but he'd been sure of that for two weeks, when he was announcing his big move and she hadn't said a word yet). Now that they were alone, no one but a ten-month-old to tell on them, Chad was sure she'd say something. And Troy would be back from picking up the twins from day camp any time now.

"Are you sure that this is what you want, Chad?"

"Yes."

(He'd been sure for ten years; now was just the perfect time to realize it.)

Chad sealed the top of the box with packing tape and glanced up at Gabriella.

"Troy's going to miss you," she offered, like that was an explanation for everything that he was trying to read on her face. "I don't know what he's going to do without you. He'd probably be less heartbroken if I was moving to New York."

Chad laughed. "I know how important I am."

Matt suckled at his bottle and Gabrielle swayed in place with her son. "So, you know, I was talking to Taylor."

Chad hadn't known that for sure (but he wasn't surprised). He knew that they were still friends.

"Was it Ryan, in high school?"

"Yes."

There was no point in lying about anything now and it was freeing. He had been close to Troy (and by extension Gabriella) for most of his life – and the most important parts of his life – but he had always felt like there were some things he couldn't say, because it would also be too hard to revisit that part of his life. Now, there was nothing stopping him. He could be free. He could say whatever he wanted. Because he was getting on a plane in two days and he had no idea when he would be back. He was leaving a lot behind, and there were some things that did hurt his heart to leave (like his parents, like his god-children), but he couldn't put his life on hold for them. He knew that.

"Did you tell anyone, back then?"

"I didn't even tell Troy," Chad said. "Not when it was happening. I told him after, first year of college. Just before I told my parents I was bisexual."

"You didn't have to go through that alone."

(He hadn't been alone.) Chad nodded, thankful that she was sweet enough to say it now, even though he knew it would have been a different story when they were teenagers. He and Taylor were cemented, when it came to high school relationships, which seemed to happen when you dated for over three months, and he and Taylor had been together for the better part of two years. If he had said that he'd been with someone else, it would have caused anarchy among their friend group, at least. And though they were all grown adults now and Chad wouldn't think about coming out and going anywhere with them, Ryan on his arm, he couldn't be sure of what they would have said to him them, especially where they were all seventeen and in a locker room together.

"It's okay. I think that it worked out, mostly, for the best," Chad said. He'd never get back those ten years without Ryan, but they weren't bad years and he was appreciative of a lot of the things that had happened in them – things that he wouldn't have been able to experience if he was with Ryan. He'd never know if it would have been better to be with Ryan the whole way through, but Chad thought that he and Ryan might have needed these years apart. He wished they could have left it on a better note, back in college, but things were going to be good. In the end, what was ten years compared to the rest of his life?

Chad heard his front door open and heard the rapid footsteps of his twin goddaughters.

"Uncle Chad!" they yelled and he bent down so he could hug them both tightly.

Neither KayCee nor Vanessa were happy about him moving and KayCee, who was definitely the more outspoken of the two of them, had made several attempts to talk him out of it. He hated to look down at their pouting faces as they poked around his empty apartment – one that he'd had to do a lot of maneuvering to escape his lease with, although once he reminded his landlord, not too subtly, about the Sharpay invasion, it had gotten a little easier.

"Will you come back?" Vanessa asked.

"Of course," Chad said. He held her hand. "You know I couldn't stay away from my favourite girls!"

KayCee snuck up behind Vanessa. "Can we come see your new house?"

"That's a Mom and Dad decision, not an Uncle Chad decision," Chad said.

KayCee huffed and then rounded on her mother, but Gabriella was the one who had taught her that look in the first place and was unaffected. They were almost little clones of their mother, were it not for their hair colour, which was distinctly from Troy. Matt also ended up favouring Troy, and Chad had often joked to his best friend that they were all worse off for it – something that Chad agreed with, but the twins were beautiful. And slightly manipulative. Vanessa smiled prettily.

"Daddy?"

"Maybe in the summer we can go see Uncle Chad," Troy said diplomatically.

"I'd really like for you to," Chad told them, and the severe disappointment on their faces was alleviated somewhat. His phone started to ring in his pocket and he excused himself to his room. "Hey, Ry. What are you up to?"

"Hey," Ryan said. "I'm just about to go into make-up for tonight. I wanted to call first."

"Getting cold feet?" Chad teased. (Well, he meant to sound teasing. He knew he sounded worried.)

"No," Ryan said. "You know I'm not good at hiding things like that from you."

"I hope so."

"Why? Are you getting cold feet?"

"No," Chad said. "This is the most excited I've been about my life in a really long time."

"Me too," Ryan said. "I can't wait for you to be here, for good, and for it to be real."

"I'm shipping out a lot of stuff tomorrow morning," Chad said, "and then I get on a plane tomorrow night."

"I still can't believe it," Ryan murmured. "Thank you for packing up your entire life like this. I know there are things you don't want to miss."

"You better be worth it," Chad warned him.

"Believe me, I am."

"Uncle Chad!" KayCee yelled. "Dad wants to know if you want Chinese food!"

"Sounds like you've got somewhere to be," Ryan said. "I'll see you tomorrow night."

"Tomorrow," Chad repeated.

He couldn't wait.

(The excitement made him want to shriek like the girls did.)

He was so ready.

So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away

Chad laughed loudly as Ryan lifted their joined hands, spinning on the sidewalk and ending up in Chad's arms. He pulled Ryan close, stepping from the middle of the sidewalk, even though it was late enough that there weren't crowds of people, but he'd be damned if he was going to have some drunkard shove him out of the way and ruin his moment with Ryan. Ryan, who was adorably flushed, his hat askew, and face stretched wide into a sweet smile.

"How do you feel now that it's over?" Chad asked.

"I can't believe it," Ryan said.

"One last, big Broadway show behind you. What now for the famous Ryan Evans?"

"A kiss, hopefully."

Chad pulled Ryan close, kissing him chastely. Ryan slipped his hand in Chad's.

"And then we'll go home," Ryan added, his breath smelling strongly of the many pitchers of sangria that he and his former cast-mates had spent the evening putting away.

"Home," Chad repeated, and while he definitely pictured the large apartment he had been sharing with Ryan for the past year, part of him was starting to yearn more and more for Albuquerque; he wanted his parents, his best friend, and his godchildren. He hadn't been trying to hide that from Ryan, and he knew that Ryan could tell, but there was some unspoken assumption between them that they would speak of it when Ryan's show had ended, because Chad had promised to stay with him until then and, if Chad were being perfectly honest, he'd rather be with Ryan in New York than in Albuquerque without him.

Chad let Ryan lead the way home, talking excitedly like he always did when he'd been drinking. He talked mostly about the show and, when they were crossing the lobby to the elevators, he broke out into a song. Chad laughed loudly, though he had to try and smother the sound when they were in the elevator.

"Chad," Ryan whined (adorably, but it was still a whine). "I'm happy, let me be happy!"

"You can be happy and quiet."

Ryan harrumphed and then he placed his hat upon Chad's head. "There. Perfect."

The elevator doors opened and Ryan skipped out the door. He was quiet and so Chad skipped along with him, down the hall to their front door. There, Ryan bounced happily on the balls of his feet until Chad got the front door open. The door swung open, the smell of fresh flowers washing over them. Chad had gone slightly overboard with the flowers leading up to Ryan's closing night, but Ryan had delighted in it, and that had really been the point.

The door closed behind them and, before Chad could get a light on, Ryan kissed him again.

"I have a question for you."

"What's that?" Chad said.

"Do you want to go to Albuquerque?" Ryan asked.

"Yes," Chad said. "Are you so drunk you've forgotten we've got tickets for the summer?"

"Right, but," Ryan said, letting the word hang as he pulled Chad along with him into the living room. He sat Chad down on the couch and then stared at him. His cheeks were still flushed with drink, but there was clarity in his eyes as he asked, "but, how would you feel about going there and not coming back?"

"You'd move back?"

"Mhm." Ryan tipped the hat down over Chad's eyes, but Chad quickly pushed it back. "You moved here for me."

"Yeah, but, you have a life here."

Ryan shrugged. He pushed Chad back and straddled him casually. "I can have a life anywhere with you."

"That's the wine talking." (Except, probably not. Ryan was always sweeter than he. Ryan, also, was genuine.)

"I know that you're not totally happy in New York," Ryan continued, his words measured as if he was trying to hide how drunk he was. "I also know that you're happy with me, so it's not me. Which means it's the city."

"I don't love it here."

"So, we should go back. I know I can live there and be happy. I know you're happier there. So, let's go. Let's be happy together, there." Ryan's eyes were huge and expecting. "We can actually build our life together."

There was no doubt on Ryan's face and Chad knew there shouldn't be. It had only been a year of really being together, but it had been a wonderful year. They'd fought, and they'd laughed, and it had been so beautiful and they had been so solid. Ryan had travelled back to home with Chad a few times – Chad's parents had accepted him, as had Gabriella, Troy, and, almost most importantly, Chad's godchildren. They had even been visited by Sharpay once, though she called Ryan often and Chad made a point to say hello to her every time she did. The more time went on, and the more their separated lives melded into one, the more that Chad fell in love with Ryan. Chad wrapped his arms tightly around Ryan in a long hug. Ryan clung to him and pressed a kiss to the side of Chad's neck.

"Get off me," Chad said, "and wait here."

Ryan slunk off him, eyes alight with curiousity. Chad took the hat off his head and placed it back on top of Ryan's short blond hair. He left Ryan sitting on the couch and scurried off to their bedroom. He reached under the bed, into a slit he'd made on the underneath of the box spring, and pulled out the ring box. He'd had it for two months (he'd been sure for longer). He opened it, just to check that the gold band with its singular stone – a little flashy, but simple at heart, much like Ryan himself – was still in perfect condition. (It was.) He tucked it in his back pocket so Ryan wouldn't see it. When he walked back into the living room, Ryan was leaning over the back of the couch, his head on his arm.

"What am I waiting for?"

"Me."

"Ten years of waiting for each other and he abandons me on the couch," Ryan said dramatically, toppling over onto the couch cushions.

"Do you love me?" (It wasn't a real question if Chad already knew the answer.)

"Mhm," Ryan said, convincingly, for such a small sound.

"Enough to sit up?"

That made Ryan groan, but he propped himself back up on the couch.

"I love you too, you know," Chad said.

"I know."

"And it's our life together that I want most of all. I want to keep waking up to you and hearing you laugh. I want to keep making you happy. I want to move back home with you; I want to buy our dream house and adopt the little girl we talked about."

"Chad, what is this?"

(One of the most important moments of his life.)

Chad lowered himself down on one knee, watching Ryan's face change and light up.

"This, I guess, is me saying that you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. Being with you makes me everything I want to be. And I never want to be without you or lose what we have, again. I want to marry you, Ryan Evans, if you'll marry me."

(How mushy, Chad.) He popped the ring box open, watching Ryan slowly smile.

"Yes!"

Chad's fingers were shaking (he pretended not to see it) as he pushed the ring onto Ryan's left ring finger. He was relieved it fit; he didn't know what he would do if didn't. He held Ryan's hand tightly. The world seemed surreal, just for a moment. They had gotten here. After years, after trying, after pain, they were here. Ryan reached out and grabbed him, pulling him for a kiss. Chad slid his hands up Ryan's body, under his shirt, bumping over the scars that were old and, of which, there would never be new.

"I love you, Chad," Ryan whispered.

"I love you too."

Chad kissed him. It was beyond time for them to be here, together.

(Happily ever after.)

And I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I don't know why this happened; I was just hit with a sudden burst of nostalgia! The song used in this fic is Hiding My Heart by Brandi Carlile!

So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Hiding My Heart, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash hiding dash my dash heart dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.

~TLL~