A/N: Special thanks to Nova for letting me use his idea. We were just chatting about Light and Misa and why Light kept her around and we both wondered what would have happened if Light and Misa had a kid and for a special twist, what if L wasn't killed by Rem? And so begins the one-shot of craziness you are about to read. This is a humor story that's kind of AU-ish so if the characters are slightly, (and I mean slightly) out of character, my apologies. I did my best to keep their personalities as canon as possible.

Disclaimer: I don't own a Death Note. If I did, Light Yagami would no longer exist. (I can't stand that guy...though he's so fun to watch in the anime. You could say he's a character I love to make fun of. Maybe I'd keep him around just to bash him. Ahahahaha!)

Warnings: Pretty much an AU story. L is alive for no other reason than to serve in my diabolical purposes. In this story, L is still trying to incriminate Light as Kira even though it's been about five years. (And seriously, my explanation for how he's still alive was pulled from thin air, so don't take it seriously.) As stated earlier, Misa and Light are married and have a son. Also, this is total randomness which means no forethought on my part. I'm just diving into the craziness. Let's see what happens!

Kira's Kid

As planned, Light Yagami, dubbed Kira by the trolls of the internet, had successfully become the god over the new world. While there had been many obstacles and nuisances in the way, Light had managed to step around them instead of outright smashing through them as he had originally set out to do. Sometime after he retrieved the Death Note from Higuchi, he realized that killing L would always leave a small trace of suspicion that could inadvertently lead back to him. After all, knowing L, he would have a back up plan set up, even if he should pass away.

Rem was still a problem, but one easily managed as long as Misa was happy.

He allowed for L and the members of the task force a year of reprieve from the Kira killings, allowing for the criminals needing punishment to gain a false sense of security. After all, if the killings started up too soon, he would be placed under suspicion again alongside Misa.

It always ended with Misa.

Light really didn't care for the blonde girl whose eye color seemed to change with the day. (Seriously, one day her eyes are blue and in the next they're brown.) However, with Rem breathing down his neck and L in a state of depression because the case ended without a real climactic end like he'd hoped, Light was left with few choices on what to do next.

The members of the task force were still as comically stereotypical as ever, with Matsuda being the number one idiot of them all. This fact wouldn't have bothered Light, but since L was still suspicious of him and Misa, he had to deal with the task force on a continuous basis. And seriously, you'd think after five years, L would have just given up. It was clear Light had won the battle between them and while the evil genius would have enjoyed a more satisfying victory, he was fairly content with the result that had come about. After all, this way he could torture L forever without any repercussions.

Still...Misa remained a sour note in his sonata of death...an accidental if you will.

A short time after Higuchi was done away with, the blonde began insisting on dates. It became so bothersome that Light had to force himself to oblige. The only other option would have been to slap her around with the task force present in the room, but doing such a thing wouldn't have ended well. For one thing, his father would have had a panic attack watching his son behave so uncharacteristically.

If only he knew.

In fact, Light's father seemed to be the only person who really believed Light was innocent now, aside from Matsuda, who was just happy to be managing Misa Misa again.

Unfortunately, the model wasn't nearly as easy to please.

The things she wanted were just...outrageous.

Only a month after Light started taking her on dates, Misa brought up the subject of marriage. The first time she asked he shut her down, stating that it was WAY too soon for them to be thinking about marriage, especially with the task of reforming the world to consider.

This excuse worked...for a few weeks.

Light tried to worm his way out of the marriage deal again when the issue came up two weeks later, but this time Misa wasn't in any mood for his excuses, and for that matter, neither was Rem. She was waiting with a pen in hand and a glare fixated on him. If he dared to decline this time, he'd end up dead.

And so, five months later, Light Yagami and Misa Amane officially tied the knot.

The brunette wasn't happy with this outcome, but he figured he could, at the very least, tolerate it. Though more annoying than all of the task force combined, Misa was his most useful and complacent tool, so it was only right for him to give her a little something in return for her unyielding loyalty to him.

Well, around the time he had this change of heart, Misa asked if they could have kids.

Again, Light was flat out against it, running away from the blonde every chance he could get for fear she'd jump him, shouting, "INCOMING!" as if she were an atomic bomb.

Through meticulous calculation and extraordinary luck, he managed to avoid her advances for nearly three months...a new record.

However, one dark, dreary night after a particularly horrible day with the task force...Misa ended up getting exactly what she wanted.

When the talkative blonde busted out of the restroom shouting that she was pregnant two weeks after the incident, Light inwardly cursed his existence while thinking, "It was one time! Just once! How the heck did she get pregnant after only one time!"

Apparently Light didn't understand the basics of female anatomy, a shock considering his genius intellect.

His inner ranting aside, Misa was having a baby and with that came the nine month test of Light Yagami's patience with the most annoying human being on the planet. He was able to survive through it, but any man who has ever gone through the experience of taking care of a woman while pregnant...well let's just say Light's last remaining thread of sanity was gone.

Five years after those tumultuous months of struggle brings us to this day...

The day Kira's reign came crashing down.

Everything started out normally enough. Light awoke, wrote a few names in Misa's Death Note, showered, brushed his teeth, ate the breakfast his...wife...joyfully prepared for him, and read the paper on an electronic tablet.

His son came into the kitchen with a broad smile on his face a few minutes later. "Good morning Daddy!"

Even after five years he couldn't get used to being called that. "Good morning."

"Do you know what today is, Daddy?"

Light inwardly groaned. "Monday..."

"No, not what day it is," his son interrupted, his voice climbing an octave. "I mean do you know what today is!"

As far as Light knew, his son was asking him the exact same question.

Misa laughed, setting down a plate for her son as he climbed into his chair. "Gomenasai Light-kun, I think Taiki is talking about the career day at his school. He's been bragging about his father being the best police detective in the world."

Light couldn't help but smirk. "Have you now, son?"

Taiki nodded with avid enthusiasm. "Yes sir!"

Briefly patting his son's head, Light replied with, "Well, I'll do my best not to disappoint your friends or embarrass you."

"Oh, I'm not worried," Taiki answered, his smile widening considerably. "My teacher suggested that I invite the entire task force. You know, grandpa, and Matsu, Aizo, Ide, and Ryu too."

"I've been invited to attend also," Misa chimed in as she continued to clean the kitchen. "After all, you aren't the only one with a successful career, Light."

The serial killer barely heard his wife's words. He was still contemplating the horrible words his son had just said to him.

"All of the task force gathered in an elementary school classroom? That wouldn't be a problem under normal circumstances, but if L is there...no I'm letting old paranoia get to me. It's been about eight years since I first picked up the death note and six since Higuchi died. After all this time, there's no way I can get caught. Besides that, this is just a show and tell class for my son. What kind of father would I be if I missed it on account of a sinner I eventually plan to rid the world of?"

Smiling in renewed confidence, Light turned off his tablet and rose from the chair. "Well then, let's not keep them waiting, Taiki."

One hour later at Taiki's school

"Light, this is boring."

Light's eyebrow twitched in annoyance at the sound of Ryuk's voice. He would have replied, but not only was he surrounded by curious kids, but L was there...and he was participating in a heated debate with one of his son's friends about the best dessert in existence. That alone wasn't so bad, even with the fact that the teacher of the class was constantly ordering L to pipe down so the students presenting their show and tell items could be heard. In fact, L's argument with the kid was pretty entertaining.

The worst part of this experience by far was listening to the snot-nosed brats his son had been forced to socialize with on a regular basis. Half of them were germ ridden cretins with no sense of respect. At that very moment, a little blonde girl was having a grand ole time poking his leg while messing with the laces on his shoes. If not for the fact that L, his father, and the task force were hanging about he would have surely kicked the child in the face by now.

"I too believe this to be unpleasant," Rem stated suddenly, her eyes drifting to Ryuk. "How much longer must we subject ourselves to this?"

"I say we leave right now," Ryuk replied, completely ignoring Light's groan of agitation. "It's not as if we have to stay. We can come and go as we please."

Rem tilted her head in contemplation for a few seconds before glancing at Misa. "We should at least stay for Taiki's presentation. After that we can go get apples."

Ryuk's red eyes lit up in anticipation. "Apples?" He looked down at Light. "Do I really have to wait? Can't we just go now...please?"

Light closed his eyes then slowly shook his head.

"You know, I don't need your permission," Ryuk muttered, crossing his arms across his chest. "I can get apples anytime I want. I'm a Shinigami after all."

Despite saying all this, the gruff Shinigami stayed where he was and didn't make the slightest attempt to leave the classroom.

"We'll only have to deal with this for a few more minutes," Light thought while glancing at the boy currently standing in front of the class. He groaned upon noting the child was merely showing off a massive, stuffed green lizard. Pathetic.

The brunette crossed his arms in front of his chest, stifling a groan when he realized the little girl was tying his shoelaces together.

"I don't think I can handle much more of this."

An hour later, (which was a whole fifty minutes more than what Light had been willing to deal with), it was finally Taiki's turn to make his presentation. Apparently the boy had requested to go last but failed to inform them about it.

Seriously, they could have bypassed all of this mediocrity.

Taiki started by introducing the Kira Task Force, breifly explaining what it was the group of men did in a far more eloquent manner than the germ infested spawns around them.

"I'll be sincerely glad when we are out of this place..."

Light's thought was interrupted by Misa gently pulling on the edge of his sleeve. With warmth in her eyes she mouthed, "Smile honey."

Thanks to Rem constantly hovering over them, the brunette had no choice but to oblige. Unfortunately the best he could manage was a disinterested smirk, although he perked up slightly when Taiki introduced L as Ryuzaki. It was somewhat comical since the man was staring rather intensely at the kid he'd been arguing with earlier, much to the chagrin of the teacher and all the other adults present. Of course it wasn't long before L was sitting back down in that weird way of his, a solemn pout on his face.

Once through with the Task Force and L, Taiki sent a vibrant smile to his parents.

"Daddy works along with the Task Force, though he and Mr. Ryu fight a lot. They're both really smart, but my Daddy is definitely smarter."

L grimaced at the innocent jibe while Light inwardly chuckled. Having an adoring son had its benefits...

"My Dad is also Kira."

...and it's downfalls.

At first, Light was certain he hallucinated hearing those words, but one look at L and the other members of the Task Force proved otherwise. Even Misa looked somewhat shaken, unsure if she'd heard her own son right.

"He and my mommy make the bad guys go away using this..."

Before the two parents could even process what was happening, Taiki withdrew Misa's Death Note from his backpack then smiled at her. "Sorry for taking this mama, but I wanted everyone to see that you're not only pretty, but you're smart too."

Light smacked the front of his forehead. "No. She isn't. She really isn't." He was obviously glaring at her now, his eyes shouting, "What did you do!?"

Misa didn't even seem to notice Light's clear rage as now Taiki was passing the notebook to the other students of the class while describing the rules of the book and how his daddy used it to help the police punish criminals. Soon screams were filling the room as Ryuk's presence became known to the children. They couldn't see Rem, as the notebook she was attached to was in Task Force custody.

As for the Task Force themselves, they could see Rem clearly, but usually just chose to ignore her presence altogether since the Shinigami hardly ever said anything and even when she did, it was in a whispered tone below what any of them could properly hear.

Of course presently, that tidbit of information is irrelevant.

What is relevant is the crazed expression of manic joy on L's face.

Strolling to the front of the room in that casual but creepy way of his, L requested to see the notebook.

Misa was staring at Light in horror now. "Do something!"

Light was almost too stunned to reply, but he managed to say the following:

"It's over, Misa. Your son has doomed us."

The poor man couldn't say or do anything more than that, not now when L had the book in his hand, staring directly at Ryuk along with the rest of the class. Even the teacher was staring at him.

Ryuk waved awkwardly. "Hey."

Eventually, L shifted his attention to Light who was clearly trying in vain to keep his composure.

"Well, after all these years, the case is finally solved," L began, narrowing his gaze on the brunette. "Although the way it came out is most unsatisfying. I was hoping for something more dramatic."

Mr. Yagami abruptly rose to his feet, his eyes filled with disbelief and rage. "Light, are you really...?"

Light merely sighed in a way that made him seem older than all the occupants of the room combined. As much as he wanted to refute the statements his own son was making, the evidence was neatly stacked against him, not to mention there were several witnesses to confirm the validity of the notebook thanks to Ryuk's presence in the room.

He could have screamed that it was somehow a setup L put together, but Light decided against doing any of it for one reason and one reason only.

His son was proud of him. His son believed he was doing the right thing. His son would somehow carry on his legacy and create the peaceful world he had envisioned ruling over himself.

So, after exhaling another long sigh, he responded.

"Yes, I am Kira. No point in denying it now."

The teacher finally came up to the front of the room with a forced smile on her face. "Well, show and tell is over, I'd say it's time for you people to get out of my classroom."

And they did, promptly, with L gleefully putting handcuffs over Light and Misa's wrists. Taiki protested and even tried to follow his parents out, but the teacher stopped him, shaking her head.

"Mrs. Tobishi, did I do something wrong?"

The woman merely patted Taiki's shoulder. "No honey. You did absolutely nothing wrong at all."

But Taiki wasn't so sure of that. He'd seen the expressions on his parent's faces.

He was definitely going to be in for some trouble when he got home today.

A/N: I feel bad for Taiki. He doesn't deserve this. Anyway, thank you guys for reading. I've had this one-shot stored on my computer for over a year and figured...may as well post it. So if you guys enjoyed this little humor story, feel free to tell me so in that comment section below. Constructive criticism is welcome. Lord knows at some point I'll probably go back over this and be like, "Holy cow, I need to fix everything!" Have a nice day everyone!