Chapter Three: Beware the Physical Exam

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"Welcome to the Ouran Host Club," Francis grinned as the gates leading into the garden flung open. It was the perfect time of year and the cherry blossoms were beautiful, so they were hosting the club outside that day. The garden filled quickly and Francis worked his charm as he always did.

"These teacups, Francis, they're beautiful!" One girl with dark curls complimented as she took another sip of her tea.

"We have only the best," Francis winked as he leaned forward to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear. "These are antiques from the Victorian era, and though a more French persuasion would have been my preference, these ones work perfectly." He leaned in even further to whisper the last part, "they go perfectly with your eyes..."

The girl's face flushed and she giggled behind her hand.

Not too far away, Arthur and Alfred sat side by side at a picnic table with two other girls, who were staring mesmerized at them like they were circus performers or something else completely breathtaking.

"Listen, Alfred, Kylo Ren is not what we're here to talk about!"

"Yeah but before we move on we need to sort this out!" Alfred sat up in his seat and shook his best friend's shoulder. "He deserves redemption! All heros make mistakes and need to go through some sort at crazy trauma! And lots of villains become good guys!"

Arthur furrowed his brows and let out a huff. "Yeah true. But Kylo Ren killed—!"

"AhhhH! Spoilers man!" The golden blonde quickly interrupted and swung his hand around to clasp it over the Brit's mouth. Only, while doing so, his hand grazed a cup of tea on the table in front of them, resulting in it spilling a hazardous amount on Arthur.

"Ouch! Bloody hell Alfred!" The green eyed boy shrieked as he yanked his hand up and began shaking it in a vain attempt to numb the pain.

"Ohmygoshdude are you okay!? " Alfred's face immediately took one of concern and he snatched up the other boy's hand.

"Arthur, you are okay right? Nothing too serious?" One of the girls questioned. Both of their faces were squinty with worry.

Arthur turned to both of them and gave an apologetic look. "Yes, thank you girls, I'm fine." He glanced back over at Alfred who was still gently holding his hand and looking for any sign of permanent injury. He blushed and tried to pull his hand away. "Alfred! I said I'm fine!"

"Just hold on a sec, jeez!" Alfred softly patted his hand and glanced over his shoulder at where Kiku and Ludwig stood, quietly chating with some guests. "Yo Kiku! Ludwig! One of you go get the first aid kit!"

Kiku and Ludwig glanced at each other and with exasperated sighs, politely dismissed themselves from the conversation. Ludwig looked like he went off to find the kit and Kiku approached.

"What happened over here? Is everything okay?" Kiku glanced down at where the boys' hands connected and exhaled a smile.

"Oh it's terrible! " the auburn haired girl clasped her hands. "Arthur got burned!"

At that moment, Ludwig arrived with the first aid and Alfred set to work. He dabbed it with a wet towel before smearing a little bit of triple anti-biotic on the red spot. He wrapped a bandaid around and gave it a quick kiss. "There, all better my little dude!"

Arthur's cheeks pinkened and he inched away in his seat a little bit. "Alfred remember when I said you would be the person I never wanted to kiss?"

Alfred held up a finger. "Actually, you said Francis was the first person, I was the second one—!"

"Well," he held of his bandaid hand. "Next time listen to my wishes and don't act like a bloody wild animal! Besides, if you just acted calm none of this would have happened!"

Alfred rolled his eyes and playfully waved a hand. "You make it sound like I bit you Artie, I just kissed your hand all better! That's all! It's what heroes do for damsels!"

"I'm not a damsel!"

"Ohhh here they go!" One of the guests squealed and grabbed her friend's arm. "Arthur is going full tsunder!"

"They're so cute!" The other girl hid behind her hands.

"No you have to watch this!"

"Actually, if you're interested I have these portfolios full of pictures from every club day, full of all your favorite events, themes, or stories." Kiku held up a magazine that had Arthur standing up straight with his arms crossed with Alfred draping an arm around the shorter with a perky smile on his face. "Actually, I have the whole collection here if you want." The Japanese boy reached behind his back and yanked out four more magazines. One had Francis looking all fancy on it, one with the twin Italians standing back to back and their signature facial expressions, one with Antonio and Gilbert winking at the camera, and last one with Ludwig looking stern but also attractive.

"Wait a minute!" Ludwig frowned and snatched the paper with his picture on it. "Why do you have pictures of us?!"

Kiku looked up and shrugged a little helplessly. "Well...You see Mr. Ludwig.."

"We'll take all of them!" The girls shot up at the same time, shoving money at Kiku, and snatching up all the magazine's at once before running off. One quickly returned to snatch the last one from the German before scampering off again.

Arthur and Ludwig still expected an answer from Kiku but the American just shrugged. "Hey, I think it's a good way for the club to make extra money!"

"Oh geez, the club is already as rich as it gets!" Arthur argues.

Ludwig nodded and crossed his arms. "And Francis already scammed those Italians into working for almost no reason considering my brother breaks everything he touches."

Alfred blinked before shrugging them off. "Oh, whatever! Arthur and I looked good on that front page!"

"Oh bug off you wank! "

Across the courtyard, Lovino and Feliciano sat together and intensely watched as Gilbert, Antonio, and two other guest played a round of UNO. Lovino watched carefully, trying to figuring out their strategies so when he felt comfortable enough, he could play a round and whip them all.

It was that moment, the young Italian noticed Antonio's mistake. And it seemed that Feliciano picked up on it too, because he quickly leaned over and whispered, "Should one of us warn him?"

Lovino waved him off. "No way. We have to see how this goes down."

They watched as Gilbert's eyes scanned his cards and tapped his lips in indecisiveness before his eyes landed on his Spanish friend's hand. "Ohhhhhh! Toni you LOSER! You have one card and didn't say UNO! You better draw a four right this instant!"

Antonio raised a brow and glanced down at his single card in confusion for a moment before coming full circle on his mistake. "Oh no! I always forget that rule!"

The girls gasped and glanced at each other as Antonio moped and picked up four cards and Gilbert cackled and patted himself on the back. "Don't worry Toni!" One of them said. "I'll draw four cards too!"

"Me too!"

Gilbert rolled his shoulders and fanned himself with his cards. "Not me! I'm too awesome for that, Toni can just suck it!"

Lovino couldn't help but agree. Of course, he would never admit that. No one agrees with Gilbert out loud ever. And if he's learned anything about this Club, agreeing with the girls, even if they seem moronic, was the proper thing to do.

Hey watched the next round of turns lay out and Gilbert's mischievous smile behind his hand. He slapped down a good ol' draw a four card just for his boy Antonio.

"Awwww!" The Spainard wined again before picking up the cards and flopping onto the floor in a pouting heap.

The girls all gasped and immediately picked up four as well for the sake of their Host. Lovino rolled his eyes and glanced at his brother who was sitting with his hands on his lap and his dress flowing out around his knees. Feliciano just giggled at the dramatic group in front of them.

As club hours neared an end, Lovino found himself walking with Feliciano back toward where the Club's King was residing. He lent over and grabbed his brother by his shoulder before cupping a hand around his ear. "Okay, the scariest part about these Host guys, is I think this how they actually are!"

Feliciano stepped back and blinked. "Wait what do you mean?"

Lovino huffed and crossed his arms. "Like, you would think with all the titles they have, 'The Mischievous Type', 'The Oblivious Type'. You would think they were just staying in character. But no, this is how they actually act!"

Feliciano just waved off his brother. "Oh Lovi, you think about it way too much!" The younger Italian skipped away and his older brother grumbled out a curse before following.

Feliciano stopped when he claimed the space next to Ludwig, who was helping Kiku clean up dishes. "Hi Ludwig! What are you doing?!"

Ludwig rolled his eyes and paused to look at him. "What does it look like I'm doing Feliciano? I'm cleaning up."

Feliciano shrugged and picked up a plate as well, even going as far as to collect a few dishes before inevitably dropping them all on the brick pathway. "Ahhhhhh I'm sorry!"

"Here we go again." Arthur muttered as he sipped his tea, stubbornly refusing to help clean up.

As the cross-dressing Italian freaked out, Ludwig sighed, something that was a common reoccurence ever since their newest members arrived. He walked forward, picked up Feliciano by the shoulders and set him down a few feet away. He then proceeded to clean the remaining pieces up.

"Feliciano why do you freak out so much. It's not hard to clean up a mess." He commented as he swept up the shards of glass.

Feliciano clicked his heels and rubbed his arms. "Errr.. I mean, I neveeeeer clean up! You should see my room! It's a mess like a tornado swooped in! But you should see Lovi's room it's even worse!"

"Hey stop talking about me!"

Feliciano ignored his brother and continued, "Hey I know! You should come to my house and clean it for me!"

Ludwig tossed the pieces in the trash and gave him a deadpan stare. "What? Definitely not!"

"But why? "

Ludwig shook his head and began walking away. "I'm not interested in going to your house." He said as his face flushed slightly. "And I'm not cleaning up for you, thats something you should do yourself!"

Feliciano's head flopped to the side. Ludwig had been starting to use the tough love technique on him ever since they started becoming closer friends. He still thought Ludwig was the coolest guy he's ever met but the German was more stubborn now.

"I don't like to clean! It's hard! You would make it perfecto! In fact, we could work on it together!" He help up a peace sign to help encourage the taller man but it didn't really work.

Ludwig just shook his head. "I'm surprised you don't have a maid or something."

Feliciano seasawed his hands. "We used to, but she quit when Grandpa Roma dumbed her."

The blonde's eyes narrowed and he turned to the Italian finally. "Excuse me?"

Feliciano nodded. "Grandpa dated our maid for awhile but he got a new girlfriend so she left. Grandpa Roma didn't hire another one because he said he would probably date her too."

"What kind of family is this?"

Feliciano glanced down at his hands like they would have the answer. "Mine...? I think. I'm not sure. Some times Lovino tells me I'm adopted ? And I believe him sometimes —"

Ludwig let out an irritated breath. "You know you and Lovino look almost exactly alike."

Feliciano touched the top of his head and fluffed up some of his hair as if that would change his appearance slightly. "Yeah that's true but I've seen movies where there are strangers but they're identical! But not related! Which is super cool because they can switch places and do all sorts of crazy things..."

The Italian continued speaking and Ludwig kind of just nodded in agreement most of the while as the other boy continued to trail behind him. There wasn't much else he could do. Feliciano took to him in a way most people didnt, and although he felt like he should complain, he really didn't want to in fear that Feliciano would eventually decide he didn't wanna be friends anymore. For as opposite as the two Europeans were, he couldn't say he disliked having Feliciano around.

He noticed the pause in Felicano's chatting and he looked up to see what was distracting him. "What's this?" The Italian asked with a grin as he pointed at the table.

Ludwig walked over to inspect the Italian's discovery, but his face heated up red at what he saw. "Don't look at that." He muttered as he snatched up the magazine of himself. Kiku must have left out extras in order to advertise.

"Ohhhh but you look so good on it! " Feliciano whined as he tried reaching around the German. "Come on! Please!?"

"No! "

"Kiku!"

The Japanese boy's head popped up at the mention of his name and he signed when he saw the commotion. He calmly walked over and politely cleared his throat. "Feliciano? Did you need something?"

Feliciano stopped struggling and nodded his head. "What's that magazine that Luddy has?"

Ludwig narrowed his eyes but Kiku ignored him. Usually he humored Ludwig due to being pretty much best friends with him since being forced into the club together, as well as being on good terms before that as acquaintances. But right now he thought it would be okay to give Feliciano a little something. And in the end, who knows? He might be doing Ludwig a favor.

"Those are the magazines I had made for our guests. I had some printed out for each of our Hosts. I have samples here if you'd like to look at them?" He reached into his shoulder bag and pulled a few out.

Feliciano cooed and tapped Ludwig's face on the page. "You look exactly the same in real life. Big and tough and scary."

Ludwig blushed and crossed his arms. With his eyes narrowed he said, "Are you done yet Feliciano? They are just samples so you can't keep them."

Feliciano whipped open a page and stuck his tongue out playfully. "I'll return these in a minute Kiku. I gotta go read them somewhere Ludwig can't punt me!" He grinned at the blonde before skipping away, his dress fluttering around him, and then diving into a bush.

Ludwig face palmed. "That boy.." He muttered. "I can clearly see he jumped into that bush. "

Kiku glanced up at him and shrugged. "Feliciano sure is eccentric."

"Pftt! Eccentric? My brother's a moron!" Lovino yawned as he approached. He flopped down onto a lawn chair next to Kiku and propped his legs up on the picnic table. "One time I told him that there was this thing— The Flying Spaghetti Monster. You know, he was a god that people worshipped and stuff. He straight up believed me, he didn't Google it or anything. I almost got him to convert too, but my nanno slapped him upside the head first."

Kiku blinked. "You're aware that people actually believe that?"

Lovino scowled. "What?"

Kiku held up a hand and cocked his head to the side. "That is actually an official religion where people worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster."

Lovino stared at him for a moment and Ludwig raised an eyebrow. He haden't known about this either if he was completely honest.

After a few moments, Lovino broke into a grin and propped his arms up behind his head. "I singlehandedly created a religion."

Kiku sighed but decided it was better to let him believe that rather than correct him. Ludwig just shook his head. The things he had to deal with in this club.

"Errr. Anyways, Mr. Lovino. Have you decided what activity you're going to join? Feliciano and I are taking art, will you be joining us?"

Lovino rolled his eyes and clicked his tongue. Somehow, Feliciano managed to make friends with the relatively normal kid and the crazy potato bastard. Which was like a win-lose situation. Meanwhile, Lovino had Dora the Explorer chasing him around.

"Look Kiku, I don't know how Feliciano convinced you to take art with him but that is a terrible idea. You will not be able to deal with—!"

"It's a great idea!" Feciano laughed as he pushed down on the back of Lovino's chair, almost causing him to fall over.

"Feliciano what the fuck?! Take a chill pill!"

Ludwig waved a hand at him. "Weren't you off reading magazines in the bushes?!"

Feliciano waved the pages above him head. "Yeah! I already looked at all the pictures! Magazines are boring to read!" He handed them back to Kiku and placed a hand on the glass picnic table in front of them. "But you guys should all take art with us! It'll be fun!

Lovino made an over exaggerated puking sound. Kiku hesitantly high fived Feli when he excitingly held up a hand. Ludwig frowned. "Hm I'm not sure about that."

Feliciano glanced over his shoulder at him before dropping to his knees and making his best puppy dog eyes. "Pllleeeeasser! Luddddy! At least consider it?! What other club do you have in mind?!"

Ludwig flushed and turned away. "I don't yet but..." He glanced down at the boy in front of him and the heat through him increased. " Err. Fine. I'll think about it—but that didn't mean yes! " he added as the younger Vargas leaped up and hugged him around his torso.

"Yay! You might be joining art club with us!"

Ludwig groaned while his his brother watched from not too far away. Gilbert let out a sob before falling to his knees in a dejected manner.

Antonio tore his eyes from the group of first years and glanced down at his albino friend. He squatted next to him and with a sunshiny smile asked, "Hey Gil what's wrong?"

Gilbert let out a cacophony of unpleasent sounds. "Francy!" He called.

Francis glanced over his shoulder with lidded eyes and a smirk on his lips. "Yes Gilly?"

Gilbert still had a frown on his face and he traced imaginary doodles on the pavement with his finger. "Ugh! It seems like bruder gets to spend more time with Feli than I do! That's not awesome at all since Luddy is so dorky! Kiku too!"

Francis raised a brow and let out a chuckle. "You're just now noticing this?"

Gilbert's reaction was that of someone getting struck by lightning.

Francis shook his head in amusement and pulled out a chart from literally no where. He pointed at the graph. "Here's someone Kiku whipped up earlier. Since they are all in the same class they spend approximately 9 hours with Feli a day." He pointed at the yellow part of the pie graph that represented Gilbert. "And you only see him during club hours. Oh my sweet Gilbert, you only make up a mere three percent of his time. "

"SO UNAWESOME!" Gilbert shrieked and threw his fists in the air, drawing the attention of the subjects of conversation.

Antonio cocked his head at the graph. "Wait, Gilbert and I are in the same grade and Lovino and Feli are in the same grade. .. So that means I only make up three percent of Lovino's time too?!"

Francis patted the pouting boy's shoulder. "Tres bien Toni, you figured it out."

"Feli!" They heard Gilbert finally cry and rush to the younger host who was blinking obliviously. The albino grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him a bit. "Feli! I know my bruder is amazing, I mean he was influenced by someone as awesome as me! But that's why I think you should start hanging around me instead because then you can be awesome like me! Besides!" He held up a hand and practically stage whispered, "Luddy can get kind of crazy sometimes!"

The blonde German glared at his brother and yanked him back by the collar. "Me being crazy? I think you're getting that mixed up with yourself Gilbert." He said his name in a more harsh tone.

Gilbert yanked himself away from his younger brother and dusted off his shoulders. "Well, anyways! Feli, what activity do you plan on signing up for?! If it's awesome enough maybe I'll sign up too. I mean— the two of us are a couple of the cool—!"

"I think there are more important things to be worried about than some silly activities." Arthur cut in as he strolled over.

Francis rolled his eyes and Gilbert scoffed. "Like what Eyebrows?"

The Brit glared for a moment before taking a deep breath and continuing. "Physical exams are the day after tommorow."

Francis gasped loudly. Ludwig and Kiku glanced at each other in a worried manner. "I completely forgot.." The Japanese boy muttered.

Gilbert, Antonio, Feli and Lovino stared at him in confusion. Alfred walked up with half a sandwich hanging out of his mouth. "What're we talking about?"

"Physical exams!" Francis cried as he threw an arm out dramatically. Arhur rolled his eyes at the drama.

"Who the fuck cares?" Lovino shrugged as he stood from his chair and stretched

"Yeah Arthur we do them every year! Stop being weird." Antonio commented and glanced at Lovino who stuck out his tongue at him.

Arthur's head rolled to the side and he puffed out some air. For as obnoxious as he was, at least Francis understood what he was getting at. "Physical exams! Everyone will find out Feli is a boy!"

As soon as it dawned on everyone, their eyes went wide. "Wait what?!" Feliciano yelled and ran to Arhur. He gripped his shoulders and shook him much like Gilbert was previously doing. "But what does that mean for the club!?"

Arthur scowled. "I don't know but wold you stop?"

Feli glanced down at his hands and stepped back. "Oh sorry!" He wasn't quite sure what the problem since Alfred was always doing that to him but he decided not to say anything.

Francis stepped forward, and he looked as if he were about to say something but Lovino cut him off. "Who really cares if everyone finds out?"

"WHAT!? "

"Lovino, my dear, what is wrong?" Antonio smiled as he reached down for the younger Italian's hand.

Lovino glanced around himself nervously and tucked a piece of hair behind his ear. "It's just, I feel like everyone is staring at me... I'm not used to it.."

Antonio leaned forward. "Oh Lovi how are you not used to it? You are the most adorable and handsomest person in the room! That's why they are staring at you!"

Lovino's face broke into a bright smile and he jumped forward , wrapping his arms around the Spaniard's neck as he embraced him. "Antonio Fernandez-Carriedo! I love you so much!"

Antonio giggled silently to himself as the scene played over in his head. He grinned at the ceiling, his eyes lidded as he walked through the clubroom.

Gilbert and Francis glanced at each other with raised eyebrows as they walked on either side of their friend. The albino cackled as he swung his hand at the back of Antonio's head, immediately ending his daydream.

"Owwww!" The Spaniard whined as he rubbed the back of his head. "Gil why did you do that?!"

Francis clicked his tongue and patted Toni's head gently. "Were you daydreaming about Lovino being in love with you again?"

Antonio flushed and grinned as he ruffled his hair. "Oops! I think I was!"

"Were there tomatos in this one?"

Antonio closed his eyes and scrunched up his face. "Okay now there are." He smiled and opened his eyes again.

Gilbert blew a loud raspberry as the three joined Athur, Alfred, Kiku and Ludwig at the table.

"Bruder, what the hell are you carrying on about now?" Ludwig face palmed in a way that suggested he didn't receive a lot of sleep.

"Antonio and his lame-o fantasies. It's clear we are in a badass romance slash action slash comedy movie! And of course Feli and I are the main characters! "

Francis crossed his arms and took a seat next to Alfred. Antonio followed his lead. "Oh yeah? So what are you guys? Love interests?"

Gilbert seemed to consider this before answering. "If it means we get it on later in the story, then yes! We are!"

Alfred, who obviously has a hero complex of some sort, crossed his arms on the surface of the table. He didnt like the thought of a movie without himself as the main hero! "What does that make us then dude?"

Gilbert grinned. "You losers, are the heterosexual supporting cast!"

Francis gasped dramatically and the rest of them stared at the albino in an unamused manner.

Ludwig shook his head. "I don't know if you all get it, but if we don't figure something out, everyone will know Feliciano is a boy."

Kiku looked at Francis who nibbled on his lips nervously. "We can't let that happen!" The King declared.

"Pardon me asking Frogface, " Arthur cut in smoothly. "Not that I don't enjoy Feli being here but what is the problem with them knowing he's a boy? He's hasen't really drawn in any male guests at all and the girls will probably like him the same amount"

Francis waved at hand at him. "Oh, you adorable sweet naive idiot." Arthur glared. "The Host Club already made a statement. We have a female host. If we take that back it will disgrace us!"

"But we're lying already, " Alfred pointed out. "Aren't we a disgrace already?"

Francis chuckled and poked the blonde's nose. "Not if no one finds out!" Alfred blinked and rubbed the spot where Francis' smooth finger violated him.

Kiku held up a hand as he dug one of his books out of his bag. "Well from what I've picked up on, at his old school, Felicinao was kind of a flirt. He liked to talk it up to the ladies and girls would often show much interest. Lovino was somewhat known for this too but to a lesser extent."

Ludwig could feel his cheeks heat up and he rolled his eyes at this new information. "Feliciano flirts with the girls, while he is posing as one!"

Francis smiled slyly at the young German, but before he could make some comment about him being jealous, Gilbert tossed a paper airplane across the room. He didn't even notice Gilbert make one!

"They gotta go through me if they wanna get lil' Feli!"

"You wouldn't beat up a girl! " Francis pointed at him.

Gilbert shrugged. "Gender don't matter." Francis gave him a look and he sighed. "Fine, I wouldn't beat up a girl. Unless it was Elizabeta."

Francis gave him the same look.

"Stare all you want I'm not budging on this one."

At that moment Feli and Lovino pushed the doors open and hurried into the room, painting slightly. "Sorry we're late!" Feli called at the same time Lovino huffed out "we fucking made perfect timing!"

The room immediately broke out into loud yelling and arm movements as the group tried to inform Feliciano on how serious of a situation they were in. Feliciano just looked overwhelmed as he took a few steps back from the insane commotion aimed at him. Lovino was also clearly confused, because he held onto his brother's shoulders and ducked down behiind him as if he were a human shield.

Ludwig had pity on the poor numbskulls so he made his way over through the hysteria. Feli locked eyes with him. "Ludwig what is happening?!"

The room was still loud but it seemed like the others were talking about something completely different now. Yeah they were. Gilbert was shouting the word "penis" as loud as he could to hear it echo against the walls. Antonio and Alfred got a kick outta that one.

Ludwig ignored it and held up a hand. "For the sake of the club Feliciano were going to have to keep on insisting you're a girl."

Some part of Ludwig expected him to question it, while another part completely expected what happened. "Ok!" He smiled. "Whatever helps the Club!" He had been worrying about it all night ever since the problem came up the day before.

Francis stopped laughing for a moment to glance at them. "Wait, really?" When Feli clicked his heels together and hummed a positive response, Francis turned to Ludwig and nodded.

Ludwig crossed his arms and turned to all the original members. "Okay troops, tomorrow at the Physical Exams be positioned in formation A." He found himself saying, for whatever reason having memorized this completley hypothetical plan the group came up with out of the blue one day. Apparently it really would come in handy.

"Yes sir!" Feli saluted, though Ludwig was pretty sure he didn't know what any of it meant.

"Wait a minute!" Lovino held up the time out sign. "It's because if people find out he's a boy he won't benefit the club the same way and people will hate you for lying so that means..." He began mumbling numbers and counting on his fingers . "Well, whatever it is we'll have to find another way to pay back the debt!"

Feliciano's hands flew to his cheeks. "We have to do something! Lovino can be kind of a jerk if he doesn't have the proper motivation!"

Antonio face palmed but a small smile played at his lips. "Why does Lovi have to be so stubborn?" He moved forward and tugged on Lovino's arm, his face now in a pout. "Are you saying you hate being a Host!?"

With a loud scoff, Lovino pulled his hand away and turned toward the window. "Ugh if I haven't made it clear already! Yes I hate it!"

Antonio let out a sound after that metaphorical punch in the gut and Francis was right there ready to catch him when he fell backwards.

Lovino ignored the drama and ran his fingers through his hair. "I pretty much can't stand being here with you guys— I mean I'm sure you guys get it. This is a complete freak show!"

Feli moaned and fell to his knees. "But I reallllly love being part of the Host Club!"

Antonio, Gilbert, and Francis all cooed really loud at that and dove at him, attacking him in hugs.

Lovino narrowed his eyes and shrugged. "Fine whatever. I don't give a shit but that doesn't mean I need to help conceal your gender. There is really no reason for me to hang around, you guys are on your own."

Francis popped his head up from where he was smothering Feliciano and yelled "Wait! Lovino! Remember what I said the first day! I'll tell your grandpa how you messed up!"

Lovino stopped and turned around where all the Hosts were looking at him smuggly. Even his own brother was and that was really weird!

"Come on you guys, you don't really think I'm soooo scared of my grandpa that I would stay in the club because of that!..."

"It would be a shame we wouldn't have Lovino's ... Sunshiny presence around anymore.. " Arthur taunted and shrugged as Alfred chuckled next to him.

"Yeah Lovi! I would miss having you around!" Antonio cocked his head to the side with a smile.

Gilbert shook his head and shrugged. "Yeah, I sure wonder what his grandpa would do to him, if we, I don't know... told him Feliciano had nothing to do with it and it was all Lovino's fault! ?"

Lovino's eyebrows shot up and his fists curled. "Oh my God he'd kill me.." He grumbled and looked over at his brother who was still sitting in the floor. "Fine whatever! I guess I'm stuck here until we pay back this fucking money!"

"Yay! " the others called as Antonio hugged Lovino tightly. He merely groaned, not in the mood to fight again.

,...

"Physical exams will be starting shortly! All students please report to your respective clinics!" A woman's voice rang through the loud speakers.

Feli found himself walking alongside his brother, Ludwig and Kiku down the hall toward the destination. He glanced up at the German next to him. "Okay so I have absolutely no idea what formation A is so what are we even gonna be doing because I'm super confused."

Ludwig didn't look at him but he nodded his head. "Don't worry we know you're completely clueless and incompetent with out directions. We have that covered."

Feliciano smiled up at him. "Thanks!"

Ludwig frowned with a blush and turned away. "Uh yeah."

Next to them, Lovino propped his arms up behind his head and groaned at the ceiling . "Okay but what is the deal with these stupid physical exams?"

Kiku tucked his phone in his pocket and shrugged. "Well, they are pretty much like any physical exam you might have taken before."

Ludwig gave his friend a side glance. "Yeah Kiku, except you forget how rich and over ridiculous this school can be!"

Feli pondered how extravagant it could get. He and Lovino always attended wealthier schools, but never one quite like this. He glanced up at Ludwig again, wondering if these exams meant he got to see the attractive German shirtless for the first time. He put a knuckle to his lips to conceal his smile before glancing down at his feet. He still wasn't sure on how they were going to keep his secret. "Oh, well I'm sure it can't be that fancyyyyyyy— WOW THIS IS AMAZING!"

After the doors were pushed open, they were met with lines of female nurses welcoming them, their arms outstretched as they greeted them.

"Holy shit!" Lovino muttered at he scanned the crowded room.

A few of the nurses approached them, one stopping in front of Kiku. "Mr. Honda can you follow me this way please?" Kiku looked a little uncomfortable but he went along with it. Kiku was usually uncomfortable with unfamiliar social interaction. He was working on it.

That same thing soon happened to Ludwig and he briefly glanced over at Feli and gave a reassuring nod before following his nurse.

"Excuse me, Vargas twins?" The two boys turned to the woman calling them and she smiled politely. "I'll be your nurse today! Can you please follow me?" They nodded and did as told, with Lovino glancing around the room in a skeptical manner and Feli thinking about how cute their nurse was despite her looking a little too old for him.

As they silently followed her, they hear one girl call out, "Hey! Why are Alfred and Antonio dressed as doctors?!"

"Huh? " Feli quickly looked over and cocked his head to the side when he saw exactly that. Antonio waved to him and Alfred shoved his shoulder in a way to get him to stop blowing his cover.

"Those damn morons what are they up to?" Lovino shook his head.

"They're here for back up." Francis popped up behind them and flipped his hair over his shoulder.

"Why are they dressed as fucking doctors? "

"They're here to set the mood and make our operation feel more realistic!"

"Wow! Are you the serious?" They heard a supposed Russian accent, possibly Ukrainian, through the area. The three boys lifted their heads and looked across the rooms as a tall girl with enormous breasts and short platinum blonde hair stood on a scale. For whatever reason, her curtain was open.

"Yeah! Eight pounds less than this time last year! That's excellent keep up the good work!"

The girl clapped her hands enthusiastically. "That's great news! I can't wait to tell my big brother!"

Feliciano watched as she skipped off and he scratched his head. "Wow these doctors are really nice! Mine have never been this nice."

Francis raised a brow at at him. "Really? A wealthy family like yours doesn't have nice doctors?"

Feliciano glanced at Lovino and looked back at Francis before shrugging. "Well maybe it's because grandpa likes to keep it in the family, so my cousin Valentina is my doctor and Valentine does not like me! One time when I was a kid I was playing with her cat and I thought it's fur was too long so I gave him a hair cut and she was so mad! He didn't even look that bad! And another time I accidentally dropped a pair of scissors down her heat vent and a portion of her house caught on fire. I guess I can understand being mad at that one but she always sticks the needle in so it hurts a lot! And—!"

"That's enough little one. " Francis chuckled as he cupped a hand over the Italian's mouth. "Besides this is just a formality. The kids have private doctors but the chairman hand picked these doctors to keep students happy."

Lovino, with his arms up behind his head, glanced around to see where their nurse went. He shook his head. "What kind of fucking school is this?"

Francis genuinely looked at him and shrugged. "One full of a lot of attractive boys and girls?"

Lovino frowned. "No, just a stupid one." Francis frowned and shooed him away. Lovino scrunched up his face and stomped off. Feli shrugged and followed him.

Francis exhaled a bit and shook his head, a smile playing at his lips. "Those twins.." He muttered before stepping forward only to bump shoulders with some one passing by. The person was a bit taller than him, and although he had boyish features he seemed to be too old to attend school here, possible around the age of twenty. He had blonde hair with gel but it didn't seem to do the job of slicking it back. He glanced at Francis with large startled blue eyes and stumbled back.

"S-sorry!" He sputtered out before turning on his heel and running down the hall. He had an accent that sounded slightly Italian, but Francis wasn't too sure. The Frenchman watched his retreating figure for a moment, before putting a hand to his chin. "Hmmmm..."

Moments later, the king of the host club found himself standing with his nurse. The Vargases, Ludwig, and the rest of them were not too far away. In restrospect, Antonio and Alfred did look pretty odd dressed as doctors.

Either way, he turned to his nurse when she asked him to step behind the curtain and derobe. He chucked and waved a hand. "Curtain? I'm not shy." He smoothly replied and smiled at the girls who were all gathered around and holding their breath.

He peeled his shirt off his back and tighten his stomach in order for it to look at it's best. The girls broke into shrieks. "Oh, please girls you're embarrassing me!" He jested but he actually loved it and then attention. He quietly noticed Antonio and Alfred share a look before snagging Feli and dragging him away. Francis nearly snorted at Lovino's loud " what the fuck" reaction. But it was too loud and no one heard.

Meanwhile, Feli was shoved into a room and nearly fell to the floor, but someone grabbed his shoulders before he crashed. He looked up, but neither Antonio or Alfred were around stil. Over his shoulder he noticed Gilbert was the one holding him up.

"Gil?!"

The albino grinned and released the smaller boy. "Don't worry my sweet little noodle! I got it all covered!"

Feliciano gazed at him up and down and concluded that he was confused. "Wait but what are you wearing?!"

"Mrs. Vargas?" They heard a voice come from outside the curtain. "We're eady for your chest measurements so when you've finished disrobing please meet me out here!"

"Oh Feli is next!" They heard a voice squeal.

Feli wasn't quite sure why all the girls were also interested in seeing him half naked when they thought he was girl and spent host club hours gushing about cute boys together. Either way, it really wouldn't have bugged him at all, if only it didn't jeopardize his job as a host.

"Oh no Gilbert what are we gonna do—!"

Gilbert patted his head, his whole get up still a little strange to Feli. He winked and pushed open the curtain.

As he stepped out, the whole room went silent. Gilbert stood there, a white tank top stuffed with paper and a dark wig. To make it even more convincing, he taped a curl to the lower left side of his head. He cleared his throat. "I am Feli.. Uh.. Vargas." He stated rather unconvincingly.

The girls staring back at him seemed to blink simultaneously.

"Isn't that Gilbert?"

"Is he cosplaying as Feli? "

"Is he trying to be funny?"

Behind the curtain, Feli flopped over. Gilbert really didn't look like him!

Behind the crowd, laughter could be heard. In an irritated rage, Gilbert lifted his chin and noticed Arthur and Alfred, finally reunited, laughing their asses off.

"He actually did it!" Alfred took off his glasses and wiped his eyes.

"I told you they'd figure it out!" Arthur wheezed as he leaned on the American for support.

Gilbert's maroon eyes sparkled in rage and his jaw dropped, before he teared off his wig and rushed over. He grabbed Alfred by the throat and shook him shouting, "I THIOUGHT YOU SAID NO ONE WOULD KNOW!?"

Alfred grinned despite being manhandled and held up his hands. "It's revenge for calling us the heterosexual supporting cast!"

Gilbert dropped him to the floor. With his shirt still stuffed and everyone in the room laughing at him, he poked his head back in to check on Feli. Who was sitting on the floor sniffling while a now present Lovino sat next to him with a scowl on his face.

"Heh..." He attempted as he glanced at the two boys. "It didn't work. "

When Lovino shot up and his eyes sparkled dangerously, Gilbert knew he shouldn't have been surprised when a tiny Italian first of rage found itself in his gut.

Lovino let out a puff of air as he sat next to his now mostly consoled brother. This was all a stupid idea and it seemed to even be taking a tole on his ridiculous brother's mood.

Antonio bounced in from behind the curtain, his shirt still unbuttoned from his chekup. "Hi guys! How's it going!?"

Lovino rolled his eyes and turned away from the dumb Spaniard. "It could be better if this plan wasn't so stupid."

Antonio took a seat next to Lovino and scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "Well we did come up with operation A pretty randomly so I guess it could have been more thought through."

Lovino looked over at him. He really kinda wished he close that shirt up because he was pretty damn distracting. But not in a sexy way, in a stupid bastard way. "Hey, how much more debt do we have to pay back?"

Antonio shrugged. "A certain amount."

"Oh my gosh can you be any more stupid?"

Antonio cocked his head with a smile and patted the younger boy's head. He ignored him as he tried swatting him away. "The club wouldn't be the same without you!"

"Pftt you're damn right," he scoffed as he adjusted his collar. "This club would suck without me."

Antonio looked as if he were going to respond, but Francis' gentle voice cut him off. "Feli? I have a private doctor for you on standby. He is sworn to secrecy so you don't have to worry about a thing!"

"Huh?" Feliciano lifted his head from where he seemed to be dozing off.

"Oh yeah," Antonio bobbed up in his seat. "That's why I came in here!" At that moment, the rest of the club team strolled in to the small space concealed by nothing but a curtain. "Turns out most of the doctors here are staff at one of Francis' family's hospitals."

Arthur rolled his eyes and shrugged his shoulders. "I mean, it would have been nice if the frog told us that earilier. But it is the bloody Frogface so what could we expect?"

Francis tapped his chin. "Despite what that obnoxious shortcake says, I did have to get my own form of revenge on Gilbert didn't I? I just don't think I'm supporting cast. Heterosexual or other wise." He glanced over his shoulder at the albino who still laid on the floor right behind the group, a bunch of girls squatting next to him and poking him.

Ludwig nodded his head, and almost in a shameful way agreed. "It's about time brother learns his lesson."

.

Not too long later, Feli's safely with his secret doctor and the others boys felt confident enough he would be okay. They traveled down the hall, on their way to do who knows what, when a girl with dark skin and pigtails held by red bows, was found on the floor crying. She was surrounded by a group and they all patted her back in a sympathetic way.

"I'm telling you I think he tried to make a pass at me! He ran straight into me and his hands gripped my shoulders super duper tight!"

Kiku raised an eyebrow. "I wonder what happened over there."

Francis sighed and crossed his arms. "I was afraid something like this might happened."

Lovino scowled. "What the hell does that mean?"

Francis twisted a strand of hair as his eyes lingered on the crying girl. "I saw a stange man earlier running around, and he clearly doesn't belong here."

Ludwig face palmed. "And you didn't think telling anyone was a good idea?"

"It is the bloody frog for you." The Brit muttered again, and Gilbert, who was now pretty recoverd and paperless, cackled.

"Shut up Arthur," Francis huffed and looked back at the German. "I honestly... Didn't think of that. But, if anything really does happen, I know the security guard will—"

"Where did the pervert go?" The teacher asked the crying girl.

She sniffled. "Ohh... Um. Oh yeah! He ran off toward the special girls clinic!"

The hosts froze and their legs went limp. "Feli!" They all chorused at once in utter worry before racing down the hall toward their beloved cross-dressing MVP of the Hosts.

Feliciano hummed to himself as he stripped off his dress, now merely standing in black shorts and his socks. His tune halted when he heard the curtain move, and for a moment he had a flashback to the day Ludwig dropped off a towel for him and inevitably found out his true gender (though he wasn't hiding it).

But this person, who very well could have been Ludwig due to his blonde hair and blue eyes, was unfortunately not him. Despite the similarities, he was a lot skinnier and he had this sort of scared wild look in his eyes that made Feli a little nervous.

"Um, excuse me—!" He started but the man leaped toward and placed a hand on his mouth.

"I'm sorry it's not what it looks like—! "

There wasn't time for him to finish though, because he ended flying across the room and hitting the wall. Feli looked up to see Ludwig, and with the way his arm was extended, it seemed like he was the one who socked the other in the face.

Feli gasped as he felt two people come up beside him. He could practically hear the heroic music playing as Gilbert spoke, "Number One: Enough sexiness to attract the public eye!"

Antonio nodded. "And excitement that turns no one away!"

Kiku stepped up and held up two fingers. "Number Two: more money than you can imagine."

Athur and Alfred took their place shoulder to shoulder. "Number Three: Reliatively good chivalry for today's society," Arthur said.

"Also, the best cuisine anyone could ask for!" The American added.

Francis stood with his legs together and thrusted a finger at the poser. "That's what makes up The Ouran Host Club!"

Lovino, who somehow agreed to let them do their stupid introductions, shoved to the front and stuck a finger in the wild man's face. "What do you think you were about to do?! You crazy fucker!"

"Lovino that's enough." Ludwig said as he peeled his jacket off and placed it over a wide eyed Feliciano's head. Lovino halted and glared at the German before stepping back cautiously.

"Please don't hurt me!" The man cried and Feliciano watched as Ludwig started the slightly older man down. It was odd, Ludwig looked more like he could be this guy's brother more than Gilbert's!

"Look, I'm— I haven't been here in years. I ran away from home years ago but I'm here now looking for a girl. I was two years older than her, but she should be a senior now and I was told she goes to this school! I have to keep my promise I'd come back to her so that's why I'm here!"

"A girl?" Francis echoed.

The man nodded and sighed. "I left her and I promised I would come back. She's the daughter of a hobbyist artist, and she is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen with curly auburn locks..."

Antonio fanned at his eyes. "Oh this is a sad story!"

"Yeah dudes we gotta help him! " Alfred added and smiled

"Bullshit." Lovino muttered.

Ludwig's face haden't softened and his gaze didn't brake from the man's face. Feliciano watched as the thoughts seemed to play out in his head, trying to come up with a solution. Finally, Ludwig said, "Are you sure you have the right school? And she doesn't attended Ouran Public School?"

The stranger's face dropped. "Oh no!"

Gilbert rolled his eyes. "Lame! Where do you even get your info about this girl."

Ludwig ignored his older brother's insult and turned to Kiku. "Can you please get a map of all the public schools in this area? We are going to help with this man find his Miss."

Kiku smiled. "Sure thing." Feliciano watched as Kiku walked off before turning his attention back to Ludwig , who walked forward and helped the poor man up. Feliciano couldn't help smiling heartwarmingly.

They waved as the blonde stranger walked under the cherry blossoms and out the school gate, the black like cape he was wearing fluttering behind him.

"Are you sure this was even a good idea?" Arthur crossed his arms and leant up against the wall next to the window. "I mean, a lot can happen in two years! For all we know his girlfriend might have met someone else. He didn't even tell us why he ran away."

Francis was gonna say something all inspiring and dramatic like, "they'll have to figure that out themselves" but Ludwig beat him to the punch—

"We don't need his reasons for anything. What we do know is that he is going to work it out with that girl. And whether it goes in his favor or not is up to him."

Feliciano felt his heart beat with every word that was said and he leaned his head on Ludwig's arm. The tall blonde looked down for a moment and blushed, but he didn't pull away.

Lovino rolled his eyes and pulled the window shut. "Okay, okay, can you guys leave now?"

The others gasped and Antonio gripped his hair. "You aren't going to quit the Host Club right?!"

Lovino puffed out his cheeks and considered threatening to again, but ultimately decided to tell the truth. "No, but Feli has to finish his physical exam." He pointed at the Italian who still has Ludwig's jacket draped over his head and was clinging to the same boy's arm still. "As a girl I guess..." He added with masked irritation.

The others all smiled and he could hear the headache rising so he quickly added, "But I'm not doing this because you said you'd tattle. I'm just doing it to repay my debt."

Antonio's face quickly morphed into a radiant smile and he leaped foward, his arms wrapping around the smaller Italian's torso. "Oh Lovino you're so cute! I knew you loved playing with us! Tomorrow you can choose whatever game you want! As long as it isn't trivia because I'm really bad at trivia but anything else!"

"Jesus! Okay! Just let me go you crazy bastard! "

Feliciano beamed and hopped on the balls of his feet. "Good idea! Hug time!" Then he wrapped his arms around Ludwig like a koala and refused to move. Gilbert cackled and jumped on his little brother's back.

"No! No!" Arthur's eyes went wide as both Alfred and Francis cornered him and wrapped him up in a hug.

Kiku surveyed the scene, and after a quick picture he let himself out. He loved those guys, but he really wasn't a hugger.

So to be honest, there will probably be like two chapters a year... it probably would've been out sooner but I started reading this book One of Us Is Lying. So flipping good, 10/10, would read again and I recommend it to all of you. (But there is 0 fandom for it and I'm dead inside)

Anyway, I feel like this chapter was a bit off. I didn't really plan this one out so sorry that it might seem inconsistent? Idk. Also, sorry there wasn't a lot of spamamo or usuk this chapter. It's hard to give so many characters screen time.

Anyways, in case you were wondering, yes that dude was Holy Roman Empire and the girl he was looking for was nyo!Italy. (Yes I'm a strong believer of the HRE/Germany theory but this is an AU)

Also I know Dora is Mexican and not a Spainard so chill for anyone who was about to attack me.

~Iwilldrinkthiscoffee

3/11/18