Disclaimers: Same chore as before, nothing more.
The Beast of Libra
Howard the Enchanter led Relena Peacecraft and her companions for a brisk walk until they reached a large mountain range. He gestured for them to follow him quietly up a narrow, craggy path until they stood before a large cavern. Bones and discarded weapons and armor littered the front of the cavern.
Howard the Enchanter turned to look at them with a dark gleam in his eyes.
"Behold the cave of Libra!" Howard breathed.
"All right, everyone, keep me covered!" Heero told them, as he prepared to charge into the castle.
"Cover you with what, exactly?" Wufei asked irritably.
"Well...just keep me covered," Heero said.
"It is too late!" Howard cried out. "The beast has arrived!"
All eyes were drawn to the mouth of the cave. After a few moments, a small, white goose waddled out and honked loudly.
"Where?" Relena asked. "I don't see any beast."
"There!" insisted Howard, pointing at the cavern.
"Behind the goose?" Duo inquired in a dubious voice.
Howard shook his head. "The beast of Libra is the goose!"
"You silly sod!" Relena laughed. "You were afraid of that little thing? You got us all worked up over nothing!"
"You don't understand!" Howard protested. "That is Tallgeese! The most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered fowl you ever set your eyes on!"
"He's not very tall," Duo pointed out. "And that's just one goose. Shouldn't we be referring to this beast as a 'tall goose?'"
Howard glared at the braided young man. "Do not treat Tallgeese lightly."
"What's he going to do...peck at us?" Duo smirked.
Howard shook his head. "Look, that goose has a vicious streak a kilometer wide! It's a killer! A bloodthirsty beast! Its ravenous hunger knows no bounds...even worse than a tax collector!"
"Weakling!" Wufei snorted.
"He'll do you up a treat, mate!" Howard warned him.
"So what does this Tallgeese really do?" Duo demanded.
"Well...he's got HUGE, SHARP...eh...well...he can flap around...and...well just look at the damn bones! Look at the damn bones!" Howard yelled at them, flailing his arms wildly.
"Go on, Pagan! Deal with that goose now!" Relena commanded her faithful servant.
"As you wish, Queen Relena. One cooked goose coming right up," Pagan said.
The elderly gentleman picked himself up and headed towards the goose.
"Oh dear...he's going to get the treatment now," Howard muttered under his breath.
The elderly man approached the goose. As soon as he was within a couple feet, the goose's eyes grew wild and it began flapping its wings vehemently. The goose began pecking and attacking the hapless servant. The others almost could swear that the goose was foaming at the mouth. There were screams of pain and horror from the loyal Pagan. Within minutes, Pagan was on the ground and no longer moving.
"Good heavens!" Relena cried out. "I can't believe it!"
"Yes, the beast known as Tallgeese has struck again!" Howard intoned in a serious voice. "Did any of you listen to me? Oh no, you knew it all, didn't you! Just a harmless little goose! It's always the same! I tell every questing knight..."
"Shut up!" Relena snapped at him irritably. She turned to look at her knights. "We don't have much choice. All of my loyal knights, I command you to all charge this beast at once! Don't hold back!"
Heero turned to look at the others. "We have numbers! Let's charge!"
The others got up and yelled, "CHARGE!"
Heero, Duo, Wufei, and Quatre rushed at the rather angry looking goose.
After a few seconds, there was a loud clash and feathers were flying. The battle was obscured by the dust that was kicked up.
Eventually, four figures emerged from the dust...running very quickly away from the cave.
"Run away!" cried out Duo. "Run away! Run away!"
The four returned in terrible shape. Each of them had cuts and bruises on their exposed skin. Heero, Quatre, and Wufei's armor were severely dented. Duo looked like he had a couple broken ribs. They were all panting heavily.
"Hahahahaha!" laughed Howard. "I told you!"
"We can't risk another frontal assault," Heero muttered. "That goose is good!"
"I can't believe I was defeated by a mere goose!" Wufei cried out. "I am unworthy! I am so weak!"
"Would we confuse the beast if we ran away some more?" Quatre suggested brightly.
Trowa decided that it was his cue to break out into song:
//Brave Sir Quatre boldly fled;//
//and gallantly he wet his bed."//
"It was just that one night," Quatre muttered in a low voice.
"Let us taunt the goose!" Duo suggested. "Tallgeese may become cross and make a mistake! That strategy worked for the French!"
Everyone turned to look at Duo.
"Does any one here actually know how to speak to a goose?" Wufei inquired.
Everyone shook their head negatively.
"We do have the Holy Armor of Self-Detonation," Heero stated in a grim voice.
Everyone gasped.
"Not the Holy Armor of Self-Detonation!" Relena gasped in horror. "I thought that was supposed to be used in only the most dire of circumstances!"
"This is pretty dire," Duo observed. "That goose isn't going to just keel over and let us by."
"Yes, of course," Wufei agreed. "I have heard of the Holy Armor of Self- Detonation. 'Tis one of the sacred relics!"
"I shall wear the Holy Armor of Self-Detonation," Heero volunteered in a serious voice. No one really wanted to argue with him on that point.
Heero quickly began donning a new set of bright and shiny armor.
Wufei brought out a well worn manual that came with the armor.
"I shall consult the Book of Armaments!" Wufei announced. "Let's see...Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one."
Everyone looked up expectantly at Wufei.
"And the brave knight raised the self-detonation device up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless Thy Holy Armor of Self-Destruction that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny little bits in Thy kindest of mercy, and hopefully not the wearer of the armor as well.'"
"Not terribly reassuring," Duo muttered.
"And then the Lord spake, saying 'First shalt thou push the button on the self-detonation device. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then release the button on the self- detonation device. Thy armor shall become a flaming inferno and thy foe, who shall be a little nuisance in My Sight, shall be cooked. Prayest that thou shalt not be cooked too.' Amen."
"Mission accepted," Heero intoned. After he was fully suited up, he pulled out a small hand held device attached to his armor. The young knight bravely strode out towards the goose.
As the raging goose rushed at Heero, the young knight pressed the device.
One...two...three...
A brilliant and blinding explosion shook the side of the mountain. The others ducked behind the nearby rocks for cover as stray rocks, metal, and feathers flew everywhere.
After the quaking disappeared, the knights and Relena nervously peered over the rocks at the cave.
The goose looked quite well done, and Heero appeared quite toasty himself.
"Mission accomplished," Heero stated. He promptly fainted.
* * * * *
Inside the Cave of Libra
The group quickly bandaged up Heero using loose pieces of cloth, goose feathers, and stray shrubbery. Heero set his own broken bones and was able to stand within a matter of minutes.
"We must now enter the cave of Libra!" breathed Howard in a fearful voice. He swept into the cave and the others followed him.
As they walked deeper into the cave, Howard whipped out a torch and lit it. The illumination of the torch revealed writing on the walls.
"There look!" Duo pointed eagerly.
Heero peered at the strange writing. "What language is that?"
"Come, Sir Wufei," Relena commanded. "You are a scholar. What manner of writing is this?"
Wufei stepped up and examined the wall. After a moment, he concluded, "This is Aramaic."
"Of course, Joseph of Arimathea!" Quatre agreed knowingly.
"Of course!" Duo nodded, absolutely having no clue as to what was Aramaic or what the relevance Joseph of Arimathea had to the Holy Grail. But he suspected that neither did Quatre.
Wufei furrowed his eyebrows.
"The writing reads: Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of aaaaaghhhhh..." Wufei said.
"What?" Heero asked.
"The Castle of aaaaaghhhhh...." Wufei repeated.
"What is that?" Relena demanded.
Wufei shrugged. "I know not. The history books do not speak of a Castle of aaaaaghhhhh...."
"Perhaps he died while writing those words," Duo suggested brightly.
"Oh, come on!" Relena snorted. "If he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aaaaaghhhhh'. He would just say 'aaaaaghhhhh' and simply be done dying."
"Well, that's what's carved in the block!" Duo pointed at the writing. "Perhaps he was dictating."
"Shut up, Duo," Relena snapped. "Sir Wufei, is there anything more?"
"Nope, just 'aaaaaghhhhh'," Wufei answered.
"Aauughhhh...." Quatre murmured.
"No, not 'aaughhhh', but rather 'aaaaaghhhhh'. Use that back part of your throat, and try not to spit so much," Wufei suggested.
Suddenly, a large shadow loomed overhead.
"Good heavens!" cried out Wufei, pointing at the large, menacing figure standing behind the group. "It's the dreaded Epyon of Aaaaaghhhhh!"
Everyone spun around to see a slathering, red-colored beast with far too many tentacles to be healthy. The creature's skin was covered with a disgusting layer of slime. The beast also sported rows of sharp, pointy teeth that glistened with saliva. Epyon glared at them with glowing, green eyes.
"Aaaaaghhhhh!" Epyon roared.
"Aaaaaghhhhh!" replied the hapless group of adventurers.
"Run away!" cried out Duo. "Run away! Run awaaaaayyyy!!!!!!"
Relena and her band quickly followed Duo's advice and sprinted very fast away from the beast.
"How can we defeat such a terrible monster?" Relena cried out as she was running desperately.
"I think we should taunt the beast! It worked for the French!" Duo recommended. He turned around and began tossing insults at the creature. "Your mother was a politician...and your father smelt of elderberries!"
Epyon roared angrily. The beast picked up its speed.
"That was not helpful!" Relena spat at Duo.
Duo shrugged and sprinted onwards.
Suddenly there was a flash of red in front of Epyon that forced it to stop. All eyes were drawn to the red rose embedded in the ground before the creature. Strange, cheesy music began to play.
"Foul creature!" cried out a voice. Relena and her group looked up to see a masked man, standing on a ledge high in the cavern. He was also wearing unusually formal attire. "How dare attack such..."
The man in the tuxedo paused for a moment. He peered down at Relena and her band of followers
"...an interesting group of people." he finished with hesitation in his voice. The cheesy music continued on. His voice resumed its boldness. "'Tis wrong for you to interfere with a sacred quest for the Holy Grail. Your actions are unforgivable! I am Tuxedo Kamen and I shall punish you."
The cheesy music and the terrible lines caused Epyon to shriek in pain. As the masked man wearing the tuxedo continued his monologue, the creature began to melt into a pathetic pool of slime.
"Shall we continue on?" Howard suggested nervously. The enchanter's frightened eyes were looking warily at the masked man giving a lecture.
"I think we shall," Relena agreed hurriedly. The group quickly continued deeper into the cave and hoped that the strange, tuxedo-wearing masked man would not follow.
* * * * *
Author's Notes: Yes, this is getting more weird. Since this is a written story, the whole "animator" and the beast of aaagghhh part didn't make any sense. So I took artistic liberty to make fun of Tuxedo Kamen from Sailor Moon. The bridge scene will come up next...and it will probably be the conclusion of this rather bizarre tale. I promise I won't kill Trowa, Symee-Sama!
Scroll down for the Omake Theatre. I hope everyone enjoys it (should I add another one at the end of the next chapter?).
* * * * *
OMAKE THEATRE
After Tuxedo Kamen's brief visit to the set of Gundam Wing, the Gundam pilots felt that they could do a much better job than Chiba Mamoru as the mysterious hero in Sailor Moon. The producers and directors of Sailor Moon decided to extend each of the boys an opportunity to try for the role of Tuxedo Kamen.
***Heero Yui as Tuxedo Kamen***
SM Villian: Hahaha! I will take all the energy I need so that the Dark Moon can rule the world! Hahahahaha!
Sailor Moon: Oh no, what shall we do?
[A single red rose is deftly thrown in front of the villain and the cheesy music begins.]
Heero: Omae o korosu!
Director: Cut! Cut! What in the world was that? Sailor Moon characters can't go threatening to kill people.
Heero (turns to stare at Director): Omae o korosu!
Director: That's it! Get this guy out of here!
Heero (draws his gun): Omae...
***Duo Maxwell as Tuxedo Kamen***
SM Villian: Hahaha! You sailor soldiers are no match for my powers! I will rule the world! Hahahahahahahaha!
Sailor Moon: Oh no, what shall we do?
[A single black rose is expertly tossed in front of the villain and the cheesy music begins.]
Duo: Hahaha! Get ready, because Shinigami is here to send you to hell!
Director: Cut! Cut! You can't talk about the God of Death or sending people to hell! This is Sailor Moon, for crying out! No death! At least nothing permanent. And anything involving ruin or destruction should be pretty and cute, like Hotaru!
Sailor Saturn (blushes)
Director (glares at DUO): Your discussion of death is crass and crude. What is up with you Gundam pilots? Get him out of here!
Duo: Damn! I needed the money. And there were so many cute chicks on this show!
***Trowa Barton as Tuxedo Kamen***
SM Villian: Hahaha! You are all at my mercy, you pretty sailor suited soldiers! The world is mine! Hahahahahahahaha!
Sailor Moon: Oh no, what shall we do?
[A single red rose is thrown into the ground in front of the villain and the cheesy music begins once again.]
Trowa: ..............
(Everyone continues to look up expectantly at Trowa)
Trowa: .............
Director: Say something for crying out loud! Are you mute???
Trowa: ............?
Director: Cut! Cut! What the hell is going on here! Get the strong and silent one out of here. Sailor Moon requires very vocal characters. This guy doesn't cut it!
***Quatre Raberba Winner as Tuxedo Kamen***
SM Villain: Hahaha! The world shall feel my wrath! I shall suck up all the energy and shall leave this planet lifeless. Hahahahahahahaha!
Sailor Moon: Oh no, what shall we do?
[A bouquet of red roses are carefully tossed to the ground in front of the villain and the cheesy music starts.]
Quatre (tears in his eyes): Please, violence is not the answer! Do not destroy our Mother Earth, it is a kind and beautiful place.
SM Villain: That's not in the script!
Director: Cut! Cut! Where are you picking up this garbage, you sissy boy?! Captain Planet and the Planeteers?
Quatre (eyes begin to turn maniacal): You mock me??? Ha! Then you shall all die! Die! All of you!
Director: HELP!
***Wufei Chang as Tuxedo Kamen***
SM Villain: Hahahaha! My diabolical plan is almost complete! So what if all my past plans have failed miserably? This time, no one can stop me. Hahahahahaha!
Sailor Moon: Oh no, what shall we do?
[A single red rose is thrown perfectly in front of the villain. Cheesy music blares out of the stereo system (Wufei apparently likes the music a lot).]
Wufei: Stop, foul villain! Your actions are unjust and shall not be forgiven! I cannot let you and your vile plans come to fruition! I stand for justice!
Director (stars in his eyes): I'm so happy! Finally one of them fits our mold!
Wufei: I will defend these weaklings against your unjust oppression!
Sailor Moon: Hey! We're not weak!
Wufei (glares): Yes, you are. Now shut up, onna. I'm not done with my lines. I have another few pages left to go. Meanwhile, I want all of you weak onnas to keep your mouths shut!
Sailor Mars, Sailor Jupiter, and Sailor Uranus: WHAT?! WEAK?! We'll show you!
[Wufei is attacked by several Sailor Senshi.]
Director (hands in face): I give up. Where is Chiba Mamoru when I need him?
The Beast of Libra
Howard the Enchanter led Relena Peacecraft and her companions for a brisk walk until they reached a large mountain range. He gestured for them to follow him quietly up a narrow, craggy path until they stood before a large cavern. Bones and discarded weapons and armor littered the front of the cavern.
Howard the Enchanter turned to look at them with a dark gleam in his eyes.
"Behold the cave of Libra!" Howard breathed.
"All right, everyone, keep me covered!" Heero told them, as he prepared to charge into the castle.
"Cover you with what, exactly?" Wufei asked irritably.
"Well...just keep me covered," Heero said.
"It is too late!" Howard cried out. "The beast has arrived!"
All eyes were drawn to the mouth of the cave. After a few moments, a small, white goose waddled out and honked loudly.
"Where?" Relena asked. "I don't see any beast."
"There!" insisted Howard, pointing at the cavern.
"Behind the goose?" Duo inquired in a dubious voice.
Howard shook his head. "The beast of Libra is the goose!"
"You silly sod!" Relena laughed. "You were afraid of that little thing? You got us all worked up over nothing!"
"You don't understand!" Howard protested. "That is Tallgeese! The most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered fowl you ever set your eyes on!"
"He's not very tall," Duo pointed out. "And that's just one goose. Shouldn't we be referring to this beast as a 'tall goose?'"
Howard glared at the braided young man. "Do not treat Tallgeese lightly."
"What's he going to do...peck at us?" Duo smirked.
Howard shook his head. "Look, that goose has a vicious streak a kilometer wide! It's a killer! A bloodthirsty beast! Its ravenous hunger knows no bounds...even worse than a tax collector!"
"Weakling!" Wufei snorted.
"He'll do you up a treat, mate!" Howard warned him.
"So what does this Tallgeese really do?" Duo demanded.
"Well...he's got HUGE, SHARP...eh...well...he can flap around...and...well just look at the damn bones! Look at the damn bones!" Howard yelled at them, flailing his arms wildly.
"Go on, Pagan! Deal with that goose now!" Relena commanded her faithful servant.
"As you wish, Queen Relena. One cooked goose coming right up," Pagan said.
The elderly gentleman picked himself up and headed towards the goose.
"Oh dear...he's going to get the treatment now," Howard muttered under his breath.
The elderly man approached the goose. As soon as he was within a couple feet, the goose's eyes grew wild and it began flapping its wings vehemently. The goose began pecking and attacking the hapless servant. The others almost could swear that the goose was foaming at the mouth. There were screams of pain and horror from the loyal Pagan. Within minutes, Pagan was on the ground and no longer moving.
"Good heavens!" Relena cried out. "I can't believe it!"
"Yes, the beast known as Tallgeese has struck again!" Howard intoned in a serious voice. "Did any of you listen to me? Oh no, you knew it all, didn't you! Just a harmless little goose! It's always the same! I tell every questing knight..."
"Shut up!" Relena snapped at him irritably. She turned to look at her knights. "We don't have much choice. All of my loyal knights, I command you to all charge this beast at once! Don't hold back!"
Heero turned to look at the others. "We have numbers! Let's charge!"
The others got up and yelled, "CHARGE!"
Heero, Duo, Wufei, and Quatre rushed at the rather angry looking goose.
After a few seconds, there was a loud clash and feathers were flying. The battle was obscured by the dust that was kicked up.
Eventually, four figures emerged from the dust...running very quickly away from the cave.
"Run away!" cried out Duo. "Run away! Run away!"
The four returned in terrible shape. Each of them had cuts and bruises on their exposed skin. Heero, Quatre, and Wufei's armor were severely dented. Duo looked like he had a couple broken ribs. They were all panting heavily.
"Hahahahaha!" laughed Howard. "I told you!"
"We can't risk another frontal assault," Heero muttered. "That goose is good!"
"I can't believe I was defeated by a mere goose!" Wufei cried out. "I am unworthy! I am so weak!"
"Would we confuse the beast if we ran away some more?" Quatre suggested brightly.
Trowa decided that it was his cue to break out into song:
//Brave Sir Quatre boldly fled;//
//and gallantly he wet his bed."//
"It was just that one night," Quatre muttered in a low voice.
"Let us taunt the goose!" Duo suggested. "Tallgeese may become cross and make a mistake! That strategy worked for the French!"
Everyone turned to look at Duo.
"Does any one here actually know how to speak to a goose?" Wufei inquired.
Everyone shook their head negatively.
"We do have the Holy Armor of Self-Detonation," Heero stated in a grim voice.
Everyone gasped.
"Not the Holy Armor of Self-Detonation!" Relena gasped in horror. "I thought that was supposed to be used in only the most dire of circumstances!"
"This is pretty dire," Duo observed. "That goose isn't going to just keel over and let us by."
"Yes, of course," Wufei agreed. "I have heard of the Holy Armor of Self- Detonation. 'Tis one of the sacred relics!"
"I shall wear the Holy Armor of Self-Detonation," Heero volunteered in a serious voice. No one really wanted to argue with him on that point.
Heero quickly began donning a new set of bright and shiny armor.
Wufei brought out a well worn manual that came with the armor.
"I shall consult the Book of Armaments!" Wufei announced. "Let's see...Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one."
Everyone looked up expectantly at Wufei.
"And the brave knight raised the self-detonation device up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless Thy Holy Armor of Self-Destruction that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny little bits in Thy kindest of mercy, and hopefully not the wearer of the armor as well.'"
"Not terribly reassuring," Duo muttered.
"And then the Lord spake, saying 'First shalt thou push the button on the self-detonation device. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then release the button on the self- detonation device. Thy armor shall become a flaming inferno and thy foe, who shall be a little nuisance in My Sight, shall be cooked. Prayest that thou shalt not be cooked too.' Amen."
"Mission accepted," Heero intoned. After he was fully suited up, he pulled out a small hand held device attached to his armor. The young knight bravely strode out towards the goose.
As the raging goose rushed at Heero, the young knight pressed the device.
One...two...three...
A brilliant and blinding explosion shook the side of the mountain. The others ducked behind the nearby rocks for cover as stray rocks, metal, and feathers flew everywhere.
After the quaking disappeared, the knights and Relena nervously peered over the rocks at the cave.
The goose looked quite well done, and Heero appeared quite toasty himself.
"Mission accomplished," Heero stated. He promptly fainted.
* * * * *
Inside the Cave of Libra
The group quickly bandaged up Heero using loose pieces of cloth, goose feathers, and stray shrubbery. Heero set his own broken bones and was able to stand within a matter of minutes.
"We must now enter the cave of Libra!" breathed Howard in a fearful voice. He swept into the cave and the others followed him.
As they walked deeper into the cave, Howard whipped out a torch and lit it. The illumination of the torch revealed writing on the walls.
"There look!" Duo pointed eagerly.
Heero peered at the strange writing. "What language is that?"
"Come, Sir Wufei," Relena commanded. "You are a scholar. What manner of writing is this?"
Wufei stepped up and examined the wall. After a moment, he concluded, "This is Aramaic."
"Of course, Joseph of Arimathea!" Quatre agreed knowingly.
"Of course!" Duo nodded, absolutely having no clue as to what was Aramaic or what the relevance Joseph of Arimathea had to the Holy Grail. But he suspected that neither did Quatre.
Wufei furrowed his eyebrows.
"The writing reads: Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of aaaaaghhhhh..." Wufei said.
"What?" Heero asked.
"The Castle of aaaaaghhhhh...." Wufei repeated.
"What is that?" Relena demanded.
Wufei shrugged. "I know not. The history books do not speak of a Castle of aaaaaghhhhh...."
"Perhaps he died while writing those words," Duo suggested brightly.
"Oh, come on!" Relena snorted. "If he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aaaaaghhhhh'. He would just say 'aaaaaghhhhh' and simply be done dying."
"Well, that's what's carved in the block!" Duo pointed at the writing. "Perhaps he was dictating."
"Shut up, Duo," Relena snapped. "Sir Wufei, is there anything more?"
"Nope, just 'aaaaaghhhhh'," Wufei answered.
"Aauughhhh...." Quatre murmured.
"No, not 'aaughhhh', but rather 'aaaaaghhhhh'. Use that back part of your throat, and try not to spit so much," Wufei suggested.
Suddenly, a large shadow loomed overhead.
"Good heavens!" cried out Wufei, pointing at the large, menacing figure standing behind the group. "It's the dreaded Epyon of Aaaaaghhhhh!"
Everyone spun around to see a slathering, red-colored beast with far too many tentacles to be healthy. The creature's skin was covered with a disgusting layer of slime. The beast also sported rows of sharp, pointy teeth that glistened with saliva. Epyon glared at them with glowing, green eyes.
"Aaaaaghhhhh!" Epyon roared.
"Aaaaaghhhhh!" replied the hapless group of adventurers.
"Run away!" cried out Duo. "Run away! Run awaaaaayyyy!!!!!!"
Relena and her band quickly followed Duo's advice and sprinted very fast away from the beast.
"How can we defeat such a terrible monster?" Relena cried out as she was running desperately.
"I think we should taunt the beast! It worked for the French!" Duo recommended. He turned around and began tossing insults at the creature. "Your mother was a politician...and your father smelt of elderberries!"
Epyon roared angrily. The beast picked up its speed.
"That was not helpful!" Relena spat at Duo.
Duo shrugged and sprinted onwards.
Suddenly there was a flash of red in front of Epyon that forced it to stop. All eyes were drawn to the red rose embedded in the ground before the creature. Strange, cheesy music began to play.
"Foul creature!" cried out a voice. Relena and her group looked up to see a masked man, standing on a ledge high in the cavern. He was also wearing unusually formal attire. "How dare attack such..."
The man in the tuxedo paused for a moment. He peered down at Relena and her band of followers
"...an interesting group of people." he finished with hesitation in his voice. The cheesy music continued on. His voice resumed its boldness. "'Tis wrong for you to interfere with a sacred quest for the Holy Grail. Your actions are unforgivable! I am Tuxedo Kamen and I shall punish you."
The cheesy music and the terrible lines caused Epyon to shriek in pain. As the masked man wearing the tuxedo continued his monologue, the creature began to melt into a pathetic pool of slime.
"Shall we continue on?" Howard suggested nervously. The enchanter's frightened eyes were looking warily at the masked man giving a lecture.
"I think we shall," Relena agreed hurriedly. The group quickly continued deeper into the cave and hoped that the strange, tuxedo-wearing masked man would not follow.
* * * * *
Author's Notes: Yes, this is getting more weird. Since this is a written story, the whole "animator" and the beast of aaagghhh part didn't make any sense. So I took artistic liberty to make fun of Tuxedo Kamen from Sailor Moon. The bridge scene will come up next...and it will probably be the conclusion of this rather bizarre tale. I promise I won't kill Trowa, Symee-Sama!
Scroll down for the Omake Theatre. I hope everyone enjoys it (should I add another one at the end of the next chapter?).
* * * * *
OMAKE THEATRE
After Tuxedo Kamen's brief visit to the set of Gundam Wing, the Gundam pilots felt that they could do a much better job than Chiba Mamoru as the mysterious hero in Sailor Moon. The producers and directors of Sailor Moon decided to extend each of the boys an opportunity to try for the role of Tuxedo Kamen.
***Heero Yui as Tuxedo Kamen***
SM Villian: Hahaha! I will take all the energy I need so that the Dark Moon can rule the world! Hahahahaha!
Sailor Moon: Oh no, what shall we do?
[A single red rose is deftly thrown in front of the villain and the cheesy music begins.]
Heero: Omae o korosu!
Director: Cut! Cut! What in the world was that? Sailor Moon characters can't go threatening to kill people.
Heero (turns to stare at Director): Omae o korosu!
Director: That's it! Get this guy out of here!
Heero (draws his gun): Omae...
***Duo Maxwell as Tuxedo Kamen***
SM Villian: Hahaha! You sailor soldiers are no match for my powers! I will rule the world! Hahahahahahahaha!
Sailor Moon: Oh no, what shall we do?
[A single black rose is expertly tossed in front of the villain and the cheesy music begins.]
Duo: Hahaha! Get ready, because Shinigami is here to send you to hell!
Director: Cut! Cut! You can't talk about the God of Death or sending people to hell! This is Sailor Moon, for crying out! No death! At least nothing permanent. And anything involving ruin or destruction should be pretty and cute, like Hotaru!
Sailor Saturn (blushes)
Director (glares at DUO): Your discussion of death is crass and crude. What is up with you Gundam pilots? Get him out of here!
Duo: Damn! I needed the money. And there were so many cute chicks on this show!
***Trowa Barton as Tuxedo Kamen***
SM Villian: Hahaha! You are all at my mercy, you pretty sailor suited soldiers! The world is mine! Hahahahahahahaha!
Sailor Moon: Oh no, what shall we do?
[A single red rose is thrown into the ground in front of the villain and the cheesy music begins once again.]
Trowa: ..............
(Everyone continues to look up expectantly at Trowa)
Trowa: .............
Director: Say something for crying out loud! Are you mute???
Trowa: ............?
Director: Cut! Cut! What the hell is going on here! Get the strong and silent one out of here. Sailor Moon requires very vocal characters. This guy doesn't cut it!
***Quatre Raberba Winner as Tuxedo Kamen***
SM Villain: Hahaha! The world shall feel my wrath! I shall suck up all the energy and shall leave this planet lifeless. Hahahahahahahaha!
Sailor Moon: Oh no, what shall we do?
[A bouquet of red roses are carefully tossed to the ground in front of the villain and the cheesy music starts.]
Quatre (tears in his eyes): Please, violence is not the answer! Do not destroy our Mother Earth, it is a kind and beautiful place.
SM Villain: That's not in the script!
Director: Cut! Cut! Where are you picking up this garbage, you sissy boy?! Captain Planet and the Planeteers?
Quatre (eyes begin to turn maniacal): You mock me??? Ha! Then you shall all die! Die! All of you!
Director: HELP!
***Wufei Chang as Tuxedo Kamen***
SM Villain: Hahahaha! My diabolical plan is almost complete! So what if all my past plans have failed miserably? This time, no one can stop me. Hahahahahaha!
Sailor Moon: Oh no, what shall we do?
[A single red rose is thrown perfectly in front of the villain. Cheesy music blares out of the stereo system (Wufei apparently likes the music a lot).]
Wufei: Stop, foul villain! Your actions are unjust and shall not be forgiven! I cannot let you and your vile plans come to fruition! I stand for justice!
Director (stars in his eyes): I'm so happy! Finally one of them fits our mold!
Wufei: I will defend these weaklings against your unjust oppression!
Sailor Moon: Hey! We're not weak!
Wufei (glares): Yes, you are. Now shut up, onna. I'm not done with my lines. I have another few pages left to go. Meanwhile, I want all of you weak onnas to keep your mouths shut!
Sailor Mars, Sailor Jupiter, and Sailor Uranus: WHAT?! WEAK?! We'll show you!
[Wufei is attacked by several Sailor Senshi.]
Director (hands in face): I give up. Where is Chiba Mamoru when I need him?