A HELLSING FANFIC

SAPPHIREWYREN

Ch. 17 Skunked

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing. And the title is a dead giveaway.

Maxwell knew that he shouldn't have thrown that stink bomb into the meeting room where Integra and Her Majesty, the Queen sat talking. He should not have laughed at the looks on their faces as they made as they realized what happened. And Maxwell really should not have laughed as both women tried to hold in their lunches and failed miserably. The cleaning crew was not happy by the way. But Maxwell felt that he had at last gotten Integra back, she would not mess with him now. And on the way back to the Vatican, knowing what he did, Maxwell thought that the nagging that Father Renaldo did was worth it.

Integra on the other hand was not happy, but she was mature enough not to retaliate even if she did imagine several painful ways to deal with the idiot papist. She had never been so humiliated in her life, the only good thing about this was Maxwell was stupid enough that he forgot to bring a camera to record it; the ass was too busy laughing. Lying in bed was not something she did often, not even for sleep and it made Integra miserable and a bit peeved. Walter walked into Integra's bedroom, "The phone is for you, Sir."

"Go away."

"It's the Queen."

By the sound of the monarch's voice, Integra could tell that she was also laid up in bed, "I usually don't engage in such pettiness, but I want you to make that white-haired pissant pay! I want him disgraced! No one does that and gets away with, no one! Sir Hellsing, I want you exact revenge on my behalf."

With a grin that would scare even Alucard, Integra replied, "Of course Your Majesty."

Now coming up with a most devious plot was not easy, everything that Integra though of was not good enough. No amount of physical pain would be as humiliating as what Maxwell had done. Even Alucard's suggestions were not mortifying enough. On a bright sunny day as Integra was pondering what sort of revenge she should exact, a group of mercenaries burst in through the front door screaming and nearly knocking the commander over. She wondered what could have a group of hardened soldiers frightened and then she saw the reason; there looking up her was a black and white animal, the size of a house cat: the dreaded skunk. The two stood a while staring at each other, then the skunk turned around and waddled off; clearly he had better things to do. But Integra had just thought up the cruelest thing she could do to Maxwell.

The Vatican-Maxwell's Office

Maxwell hated paperwork, but then who doesn't? The Pope required documentation of all the ghouls and vampires that were killed in Italy and of course when one is a leader or in a supervisory role, that is what one has to do. The bishop settled into his chair and began to work. After a couple of minutes, Maxwell heard a scratching noise and at first he thought that it was coming from the walls. However the sound started to grow louder, Maxwell knew whatever was making that noise was close. He then realized that is was coming from his desk drawer. "Great, we have an infestation of mice" muttered Maxwell. He picked up the biggest book he could find, with the hope of smashing the 'mouse', then he threw open the draw and saw no mouse. In the drawer was a very pissed skunk, which showed his anger by turning around and spraying the man in the face. The putrid liquid got in Maxwell's face; eyes, nose and mouth, and he sputtered and spat trying to get rid of the taste. He fell backwards, kicking the drawer and sent the skunk flying. The critter landed on Maxwell's chest, the poor thing was so freaked about his trip into orbit that he sprayed Maxwell again, getting skunk juice on his clothes. While Maxwell bellowed, the skunk ran under the nearest chair and curled up in a ball. "Urg! SOMEONE HELP ME!"

Several priests included Heinkel and Anderson ran into the office, but ran back out because of the smell. "What did you do, roll around in shit?" asked Heinkel.

"DO I LOOK STUPID ENOUGH TO DO THAT?"

"Do you want me to answer that question?" was the reply.

"JUST GET THAT BEAST OUT OF HERE!"

Anderson took one look at the skunk and said, "I'm sorry Maxwell, I'm not touching it."

"FINE, THEN SHOOT IT!"

Anderson and Heinkel looked at the bishop as if he had gone mad, "Why would we shoot a defenseless animal?" asked Heinkel.

"THAT THING IS NOT DEFENSELESS! JUST SHOOT THE GODFORSAKEN THING?"

"Do you have that much self-loathing that you would call yourself a 'godforsaken thing?" asked Integra as she strolled into the office with a smirk on her face.

"It was you! You did this!" shrieked Maxwell.

"Great he's going to stink for days" moaned Father Renaldo.

"That's the point".

Several men came into the office and safely removed the poor critter from the office. He was glad to get away from the moronic white haired man who didn't know how to use his indoor voice. Meanwhile Integra retrieved the hidden camera that had streamed the whole incident live on the internet, which made Maxwell even more shamed. He would hear jokes about his smell for weeks. "The next time you want to play an idiotic prank like that again you degenerate papist, think of this moment" said Integra as she left.

No one in the Vatican really know how to get rid of skunk spray, after several suggestions from the internet, Maxwell was able to say he smelled relatively better. Meanwhile back in England, the Queen and Integra had a good laugh over Maxwell's encounter with the skunk. Hopefully Maxwell would learn his lesson, because the Pope did not like having to smell skunk stench every time he had to talk to the bishop.

Chapter End

Author's note: Again I'm sorry for not uploading as much or as quickly as I would like. I am nearly finished typing the next chapter to Hellsing Law and Order, so hopefully that it is posted soon. I hoped you enjoyed this chapter. See ya in the next chapter.