Chapter Text

Iris's chest hurt.

It was agonising.

She couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't do anything.

It was like there was this huge weight hanging on her lungs and heart by hooks. It was pulling her down, stretching and tearing away at her breath and her soul.

Before, before she was here, she was... numb to it. As if she knew it was there but wasn't aware of the pain.

But now, now she could see it. Now this was real.

And it hurt.

Tears fell freely down her face as she sat on the freshly grown grass, staring at the stone which marked a loss she'd never been able to lose.

'Barthomew Henry Allen

July 11th 1992 - 29th April 2017

Age 24

A loving son, fiancè, brother and friend

You shall be missed'

Her glazed eyes stared at the text set in stone.

He was gone. He was really, very gone.

And what was worse?

He wasn't ever coming back. Like he usually did, he always seemed to find a way back to her, but now, now she wasn't enough for him to stay.

Ignoring the man behind her, Iris fell to her knees by the gravestone, sobbing disgustingly.

She wasn't a pretty crier when she was properly crying. Her skin became clammy and her entire face creased into a raisin, while she had snot and tears running down her face.

Barry was a pretty crier. His skin never became too clammy or blotchy. And his eyes glazed over like newly cut glass. The tears running down his face would look like crytals and his face never creased in a way that made him look older. Instead, it made him look younger and more vunerable.

She hated that she could remember his face when he cried.

She didn't react when Oliver crouched down beside her, hugging her awkwardly, but she accepted any consolation he could give right now.

"It's going to be okay, Iris." Was all he said but God, he sounded like Barry.

She only cried harder.

After about 20 minutes, Iris stopped crying, only her sniffles echoing through the graveyard. They both stood up, and Oliver offered to get coffee so that she had time alone. He left, leaving Iris to do what she needed to do.

"Hey, Bear." She smiled painfully.

She took a deep shuddering breath before continuing, "I, um... I really miss you."

"I've uh, got the... the tapes. That you left. I haven't finished them but... whatever I did Barry, I'm so sorry."

She looked at the grass, kicking it with her feet slightly. "I barely got through Caitlins' tape, but now with Cisco... I know-knew what he was doing to you, we all did... and I-we didn't help you or defend you. And I'm sorry for that."

Her eyes flicked to the sky, licking her lips slightly, "I-uh don't even know why I'm here. I figured I should listen to the rest of Cisco's tape... with you with me, Bear. I can't do this without you." She forced herself not to breakdown again.

"I love you, Bear. I love-d you, I still do, and I always will."

She reached into her bag and pulled out the tape and earphones. As she put the last one in, she saw something standing out amongst the grey headstones.

She looked up to see someone dressed in white. A white suit.

She gasped. "Barry."

He seemed peaceful. Every muscle she'd ever heard of seemed relaxed, and his skin was blemished completely. His hair was styled as it always was, and he was smiling.

Not the fake smile he had or the happy smile. Just...

A content one.

They held eye contact, Iris not blinking for the fear of not seeing him again. She tried to memorise every feature of him she could. Each hair strand, freckle, eyelash... all the little things she took for granted.

He smiled more contently at her, nodding towards her in a motion which could mean 1000 words.

Alas, she blinked.

And he was gone.

The ghost of Barry Allen literally haunted her.

She shook her head solemnly before sitting down on the grass, staring straight at the headstone before her; and she pressed play.

"Anyway..." he sniffled, continuing right where he left off.

"The next thing you did, Ramon, now that, that is story to tell." He laughed harshly. Iris believed for a moment

that this wasn't Barry. Not her Barry anyway.

"So, uh, to anyone listening who wasn't apart of that - would've been -awesome team up with some old friends, I'd listen in... because Cisco hear nearly damn got me killed."

What? How did Cisco of all people nearly get Barry killed when they all had fucking aliens hovering over their heads?

"To summerise it, Cisco is really bad at revealing things at right times."

Iris's eyes widened.

No.

"Good old Cisco thought that during a fucking alien invasion - where we would need each others backs might I add - was a perfectly suitable time to tell my team that, well, I fucked up their lives and they couldn't trust me. And trust is a two way street, so suddenly, I couldn't trust anyone. Thank you Cisco, thank you for rendering me truly and utterly alone."

Iris didn't realise she was hyperventilating until black spots danced in her vision.

He wasn't alone. He was never alone. Didn't he see that he had her?

"Is this what you wanted, Cisco? For me to feel like if I had died on some sort of mission, you wouldn't have noticed? That no one would've? By the way you were acting, it was. And if you have these tapes, well, you succeeded." The tape chuckled in Iris's ear.

"Do you know what was worse? When I was willing to sacrifice myself to the Dominators in order to save the World, you wouldn't let me, and you called me your 'friend'. Why couldn't you let me go? I wanted to die Cisco! You wanted me to disappear so why didn't you let me leave? I hate what I'm about to do, but God, I could have died a hero if you'd let me. I-I c-could've redeemed myself for Flashpoint, but you refused me that, and it wasn't your choice to make." Barry and Iris began crying together.

Barry wanted to die. Barry was going to kill himself and not say goodbye to her.

Well, he did that anyway, but this was sacrifice.

And he didn't tell her? Neither did Cisco, or Felicity or-

A hand placed itself on her shoulder.

Oliver.

She ignored him, determined to at least finish Cisco's story.

"Things weren't the same. You still looked at me with hatred now and again, before remembering you had 'forgiven me'. And I couldn't handle it Cisco, any of it. I should be sorry, but I'm not. Because if I was, the amount of times I've been sorry for something... I might as well be sorry for existing."

"Ironic given the circumstances." He laughed. "Sorry, I guess."

Iris wanted to scream at him because of how, collected he was. It was like he had accepted his fate long before it was even decided.

"But, don't worry Cisco! You aren't the only one who made me feel like an outcast or unwanted, which actually brings us to the next tape. Our third reason! My question is, can you handle it?"

She'd done it. She'd listened to Cisco's tape.

She didn't know how she felt about it.

"Listen to the first side of the second tape for the rest of the story."

She pulled the earphones out of her ears hastily. Angry at Cisco, at Barry, herself.

The fucking World.

"You okay, Iris?" A rough voice startled her.

Oliver.

She'd forgotten he was there. She looked at him with tearful eyes.

"Tell me everything." He growled through gritted teeth. His face scrunched into one of confusion.

"About what?" He whispered.

"What happened with the Dominators."

If Oliver Queen's face could show anymore confusion and understanding at the same time, it did. "Why?"

She looked down at the ground for a moment, forming the sentence into words so it made sense.

Iris looked back up at Oliver, "Because I need to know the real story - the truth - before I talk to Cisco Ramon."