"Dear Evan Hansen,

We've been way too out of touch. Things have been crazy and it sucks that we don't talk that much.

But I should tell you that I think of you each night, I rub my nipples and start moaning with delight-"

"Why would you write that?" Evan screeches and feels heat creeping up his neck, he is definitely not looking at Connor, "Jared, what the hell, this needs to be perfect!"

"What? I'm just trying to make it more realistic!" Jared is laughing. He is having the time of his life making fun of Evan here. He is giggling. "Trust me, you need to calm down, I know what I'm doing. By the way, for your first date you guys went to the 7/11 two blocks down and he bought you a slushie."

"Did I sing you my sob story, too?" Connor snorts and rolls his eyes from where he's sitting cross-legged in the bed. "Very original."

Evan ignores him in favor of pinching the bridge of his nose and glaring, "Jared, this isn't Heathers."

"Shame, you'd be a good Veronica."

"Well, he's not wrong," the ghost gives him an once over, eyeing him critically before piping in, "how good are you at forgery?"

"Don't encourage him!" Evan fights a blush from spreading and wails, throwing his arms in the air.

"Who are you talking to?" Jared is looking puzzled at him and oh, right.

"No one!" He flushes, takes the computer from the boy, "just let me do it."

Evan deletes the last paragraph entirely and stares blankly at the computer screen, what is he supposed to write? How is he supposed to write anything, what, with Connor sitting on his bed and looking on amusedly?

"Dude, are you having an aneurysm or what? I don't have all day." Jared says snapping his fingers, "Come on, chop, chop. Unless you want me to do it?"

"There is no fucking way Jared "I once ate a bathbomb at Lush" Kleinman is passing as me." Connor frowns, gives the other boy a dark look and comes to stand beside Evan, "just write what I say, alright?"

"I've gotta tell you life's been shit. School sucks and I'm out of weed, my parents are fighting all the time and I wish I at least had my fucking door back-"

"Wow," Jared starts, "somehow you are making it sound exactly like Connor," he pauses, "are you sure you two weren't secret gay lovers?"

"Jared, shut up!" Evan is blushing, he knows, he can feel the heat spreading on his neck and cheeks, and he can't look at Connor, not when he is so close like this, hunched over to peer at the computer screen, and Evan can feel the cold rolling off the ghost and goosebumps are breaking on his skin.

"Man, I wish I had shoved him to the ground when I had the chance." Connor complains but he also takes a step back and straightens a little, so now Evan can breathe again.

"Dude, you are hyperventilating-" Jared cleans his glasses with his shirt.

"I'm not hyperventilating."

"-you're having considerable trouble breathing-"

"I'm not-"

"-do you need a paper bag?"

"I'm not hyperventilating!"

Evan takes a deep breath, he can do this, he just needs to ignore Jared. He looks up at Connor, snorts at the scowl the ghost is directing at the other boy.

"Dear Connor Murphy,

Yes, I also miss our talks. Stop doimg drugs, just try to take deep breaths and go on walks-"

"Right, if only I knew it was that easy!"

"- I'm sending pictures of the most amazing trees-"

"No!" Jared sounds almost embarassed, while Connor shakes his head and says, "Jesus, you're such a dork."

They are flanking Evan, one on each side, and he is suddenly reminded of the image of an angel and the devil on someone's shoulder. Although Evan can't really decide hot to sort them into the roles, the picture of Connor with fluffy white wings and a halo pops on his mind and why is he blushing again?

"- you'll be obsessed with all my forest expertise!"

"Absolutely not!"

"Dork."

"-Dude, I'm proud of you, just keep pushing through. You're turning around, I can see! All that it takes..."

It gets easier then, to just run with it and write. It feels a little like writing to himself, parroting the words he heard all his life.

"-our friendship goes beyond your average kind of bond-"

"That's one way to put it alright." Connor snorts and Evan shoots him a glare.

"But not because we're gay! The only man that I love is my dad. Well, anyway-"

"Smooth, Hansen, real smooth." The ghost shakes his head and there is something in his voice that Evan can't quite identify, and it makes him shiver and huddle his hoodie closer to himself, but then Jared is cackling behind him and Evan feels the tip of his ear get hot with embaressment and his mind is thoroughly occupied.

"you're getting better everyday..."

Evan huffs in annoyance and dives into writing. He tries not to think on how this needs to be good enough to fool the Murphys, to fool Zoe.

"Are we done yet?" Jared whines, sounding bored, "I have better things to do than watch you digging your own grave to impress Zoe, lover boy."

"What? No! That's not why- I just- No." He signs his name and saves the document, opening a new blank page, "I can't just show them one email, I want to show them I was a good friend, you know. That I was trying to help."

"Show Zoe, you mean?"

"Jared!"

The boy laughs and settles against the arm of the chair; Evan flinches away, sinking further in the seat. He writes the emails and the words flow easier with each sentence, the words waving together into what he supposes could have happened had things turned out different.

It's only after the emails are printed and Jared has gone home with the warning for Evan to tell his mom he had come over, that Evan realizes Connor isn't there anymore.

.

.

.

It's the middle of the night.

Evan knows it because he had been sleeping until five seconds ago, when the lights had been suddenly turned on on their own, flooding the room with brightness and waking him up in alarm, only to find Connor's smug face staring back at him from the doorway.

"Oh, jeez, did I wake you up?" The ghost asks, sounding not sorry at all, "whoops, my bad."

Evan sighs, drags a hand over his face in frustration, "what do you want, Connor?"

"Me? Nothing, nothing, just testing the eletric system, you know?" He flicks the lights on and off to prove his point, "see? Now you know they're working."

Evan sighs again. It's becoming his thing, now. "Connor, please, it's 3am- oh"

"I know right?" The ghost smirks pleased with himself, "It's the witching hour, I'm pretty sure I'm bound to haunt you right now, so, would you prefer dragging chains around or some good ol' banging of doors and windows?"

"Connor-"

"Sorry, I don't make the rules. So, if you had to choose?"

"You're literally making the rules up right now-"

"Oh right, you would know."

"What?" Evan squeaks out, he is not proud of it, but he squeaks, "Is this about the emails, because I thought you were fine with it- you said you were fine with it- aren't you fine with it? Because I ca-"

"No, I mean, maybe- it's not a big deal," Connor looks down, smoothes his clothes, which is pointless in Evan's opinion, because can a ghost really get wrinkles on his shirt? "it's just, I thought- forget about it, it's stupid," the ghost looks away, seems to gather himself, "anyway, you didn't pick your haunting of the day, night, really."

Evan crosses his legs and tries to make himself more comfortable, settles and looks at Connor. The ghost is pointedly not looking at him, choosing to pick at a loose scrap of wallpaper instead but he seems to be having some trouble staying solid, as his fingers go through the paper more than once. He looks tired again, sad, and Evan feels a familiar stab of guilt and pain, "uh, I guess, if I had to, I'd say chains?"

"Banging doors it is, then!"

Despite the fake cheerfulness, Connor doesn't move. He stays in the doorway, besides the light switch, looking unsure of what to do. It strikes Evan for the first time that the other boy might not know what he is doing either.

"So, where did you, uh, go, this afternoon?" Evan winces at his words, he doesn't mean to come across as accusing, "I mean, you were there, and then, you... weren't?" He trails off, regretting have ever started the question.

"Well, you said to try to take deep breaths and go on walks," Connor shrugs, "so I did."

"Seriously?"

"No, but it's not like I can light up a joint like this, so forgive me for being a little antsy after listening to Jared fucking Kleinman and his shitty jokes."

Connor glares at him for a second before disappearing, leaving Evan alone on his room once more.

He sighs, drags himself out of bed and turns off the light. It's not 4am yet, he still has time to go back to sleep and pretend his life isn't being turned upside down.

And he does sleep, and if he dreams of blue skies and a yellow field, and things that might have been, well, nobody needs to know.

But it's not until he wakes up the next morning, that Evan realizes the lights had been turned on again.