Pain.

We all get to experience this feeling at one point of our lives. In many ways. A failed project or test, rejection, bullying, anxiety, depression...

Or just the kind of pain you feel when people, just, to put it simple, despise you.

Oh? What is this? The great Hikigaya Hachiman feeling pain? Is this true?

Oi, hold your horses, people.

I am the king of loners, I know. I chose this lifestyle. I chose to be part of the lowest part of society. It was easier to me. Less trouble.

I mean, how could people toy with you when they didn't' know about your existence?

I know, I know, this way of thinking feels completely stupid. But hey, nothing is really stupid if it really works.

Because, well, it worked. At least for me.

When you're not a part of the trending circle, people all but forget about you. It's just like all your particles just vanished into thin air along with your whole existence and thoughts.

I really tend to mind about things too much..

But I can't help it. We do it by nature.

Maybe that's the main reason I have been feeling even worse lately.

I support my ideology. I still have my points about society, after all, society will never change. We can dream of it or even try to change things; but the majority of blunt idiots will always surpass those who really wish for a change. It disgusts me. Even if I tried, there's simply no way I will fit with the bubble.

And that's why I'll probably die alone.

Why do I have these kind of thoughts?

Well, a lot of things can change in the course of three years.

I still do think people are superficial assholes. After all, that will never change.

But I have a different way of thinking.

We, as humans, are a very interesting species. We are social by nature. Beside family, we depend on social interactions to carry on with our lives. You need a friend to share your dreams and worries. A parther who can tutor you or help you with homework. A girlfriend who can listen to you, comfort you and be by your side on your worst moments. A 'contact' who can pull some strings behind the lines so you can get into that job more easily.

That's probably the main reason Hiratsuka-sensei forced me to join the Service Club back in the day.

The good old days. When you didn't have to worry about a thing. Our parents were forced by law to pay all our expenses. Beside college applications; our biggest worry was to keep up our pathethic facade to please our equally fake friends.

Now we are forced to work.

I wonder how Hiratsuka-sensei has been doing lately. I still called her every few months, and you could hear in her voice that she has gotten considerably happier.

She got into relationship a year ago.

...About freaking time.

Apparently he was a new teacher that had joined the school after we graduated.

I admire her. Her desire to help me and change my ways was tremendous.

And her punches were too.

Heh.

I sigh.

Even Hiratsuka-sensei is happier than me.

I feel stupid. Even worthless.

Correction.

I have always been stupid and worthless. Just that I didn't care that much back in the day.

I briefly exit the wake of my thoughts just as the lecture ends. I decide to head to my apartment immediately, since, well, there's no one really waiting for me.

But of course, MAX Coffee first!

I nonchalantly head for the nearest vending machine and patiently wait for my can to be ready.

Finally!

Ahhh... sweet sweet overly sugared coffee. If I didn't have to walk to university all mornings, I probably would be as round as a giant, pathetic ball.

As I exit the building, a rush of cold air envelops me. It's not really that cold, but just enough to make someone shiver a bit.

I stop, raising my head tiredly and looking up at the gray sky, taking a sip of my coffee and my other hand at the pocket of my navy blue jacket.

It's about to rain soon.

I got a decent part time job right out of school. It's not really that much, but just enough to supply the rent of my small apartment near the campus and a few hundred yen to spend on food and myself.

My parents where sceptical at first, but I managed to convince them with the condition that I had to learn to live alone.

Was it worth it? I think so. The only place I feel truly peaceful is at my apartment, and while is quiet, maybe too much, is one of the really few things I'm proud of.

Next, a car. If I can afford one in the next ten years.

I can manage now. Just that I don't know how to cook for shit.

I almost burned down my entire kitchen once.

And that was on the third day living alone.

And that, ladies and gentleman, is how I started living on instant ramen!

Sigh.

I decide to take a nap on the couch.

Unsurprisingly, I have trouble falling asleep.

I slam the pillow against my face.

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It was a sunny afternoon.

We were at the Service Club. I was reading a novel at my usual spot, and empty cup of tea by my side.

It was our final window before graduating. There was a lot of tension and nervousness at the school, as the students were preparing for the final test and graduation was just two weeks away.

Yuigahama was typing at her phone, while Yukinoshita was looking at her window; her hands on her lap, the back of her face facing me.

We were really graduating. There would be no more requests. We were about to be forced to work the rest of our lives.

I shuddered at the idea.

I looked around the room, more specifically, at Yukinoshita.

She has been behaving strangely lately.

It started about a month ago.

I could see that she seemed... happier. With a strange smile at her face. Like something good and big was going on in her life.

She looks beautiful.

Oi, what are you thinking?! No no no no.

This is not real. The gods of romantic comedy are playing tricks on you. Look away.

Am I missing something?

As if destiny was reading my mind, she suddenly faced forward, and talked.

"I have an annoucement to make."

I looked up from my novel curiously. It has getting boring anyway.

Maybe this has something to do with her sudden change in attitude.

"I'm leaving Japan. I'm going to study overseas with Hayama-kun."

What?

A sudden feeling of dread invaded me. I looked at her, probably with the most surprised expression I had my entire life.

Before I could form coherent words, she talked again.

"I... I have talked to my mother. We settled our differences. I will be taking the family's business with my sister when we get back home."

This was too much to take.

I stood up abruptly.

I shifted my gaze to Yuigahama, who was looking at her legs with a calm expression.

And then I realized.

She didn't look surprised.

She already knew about this.

Of course.

"You kne-"

"Yes. she did."

At that moment, I realized something else.

Hayama-kun.

We.

"If you are already wondering what does Hayama-kun have to do with all of this, he is my boyfriend, and has already agreed to go with me."

Double what?!

"S-ince when?"

"Two months ago."

"And you didn't bother telling me?"

"We are keeping our relationship a secret. I woud have caused an uproar at the school. I am telling you this just so you know before we part ways. Also, I know you dislike Hayama-kun. Only my family and Yuigahama knew."

Oh.

So this is how things were.

And I already started to believe in friendship.

But now I knew the truth.

I snapped.

"What the hell, Yukinoshita?! Am I really that disgusting to you?! Do you really think so low of me?!

Yuigahama started to intervene.

"Hikki, that's not-"

"SHUT UP! AND DO NOT FUCKING CALL ME LIKE THAT!"

And she did effectively shut up.

I looked back at Yukinoshita, who had an unreadable expression.

"You... What happened?! You threw all of your beliefs out of the window! Didn't you hate your family?! Didn't you wanted to be saved?!"

She flinched.

"Did Haruno convince you?!"

No response.

"And what the actual hell with Hayama?! He's rich too. Do rich people grow attached to each other?! You disliked him! How the fuck, are you two in a relationship?!

Still not response.

I'm tired.

"Tho-se... those jokes... They really meant something to you... they were true... I am no lower than than disgusting scum to you."

"He's more interesting for you. Oh, I see. You got caught by the Hayama sparkle. That fake ass-"

I felt it before it actually happened.

A slap.

She slapped me.

I am the one suffering here. And she has the nerve to slap me.

I have never felt more anger at disappointment in my life.

Not at Yukinoshita. But at myself.

"Don't you dare talk about him like that. You know nothing about my family or about him. You have no right to make assumptions on him when you only see him at school. I have the damn right to decide what to do about my life. I am deciding on my future. The fight I had with my mom was pointless, and I settled things with her. She apologized to me, and so did I to her. We cried for hours, and let go of our past. So with my sister."

I looked at her doumbfounded, my anger starting to fade.

Her voice started to tremble, but she went on.

"You are so naive... I am finally starting to feel a bit of happiness on my life, and you scream and say all those things to me...You have no heart."

My anger rises again.

"And what about my heart?! What about my fucking feelings?! I thought we were friends! But no! I am only a tool to solve the club's requests! Everything was just a fucking lie!"

Seriously, I am tired.

And what she said next ended everything.

Her voice was full of resolution.

"You can say all you want. It's useless talking to you. You always think people are against you. I wish things could have been different, but I won't continue hurting myself dealing with you. I deserve happiness too. And you are obviously against that. I have a bright future ahead of me. I have to take care of the family business with my sister. I don't have time to waste with people stuck in the past like you. I am happy now. You're just a hopeless cynical and hater of the real life. You talk about finding something genuine. But, truth is; with that way of yours, you'll be wandering in loneliness for the rest of your life."

I can't take it anymore.

I took my bag and ran.

I could hear Yuigahama's screams, but I ignored all of them.

I wanted to disappear.

Maybe I should just disappear. People will finally be happy.

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I jolt up with a start. My breathing is heavy. Too heavy. I feel a tremendous wave of anxiety hit me. I hopelessly look around the place to get a hold of my surroundings.

Oh. My living room.

I sigh.

That dream again.

But all she said is true. Every single word she said struck me like a giant wave at the deepest part of my heart.

But it wasn't right.

She wanted me to save her.

But in the end, she never wanted saving.

She was just confused.

She wasn't sure about what she really wanted in life.

But the truth was, she really wanted it.

She wanted to be successful. To be a part of her family's business. To be a part of everything. That's that she always wanted.

She just had a little tirade against her sister and her mother.

And I had no right to scream at her because she wanted to be happy.

But still.

I felt used. They didn't even trust me at all. I was just a good problem solver. Genuine my ass. I felt betrayed.

I remember that day when I opened myself up to them.

If I wasn't the one who fled that day…if it was Yukinoshita or Yuigahama who did… they would have run after one another.

Tools. We are all tools. Merely objects to be used against each other for our convenience and selfishness.

I felt like utter trash.

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Hello! First chapter done.

Note: This is the definitive version. No more changes will be made.

I really hope you like it. I threw the whole day into this. And I hope I did justice to Yukino and Yuigahama.

Hachiman is a victim of himself, not a victim of society.