He Never Was Again

"Carry You" Ruelle

The screaming sounded like music to his ears. The sound of lions roaring and mountains crumbling to dust. She was untamable, like her mother.

She was cradled in his arms, covered by midnight blue and stars. He touched the red of her cheeks with his fingertips. Soft, as if he'd break her from his calloused hands.

Holding her was different than holding steel blades or sharpened axes, but no less dangerous.

Cassian looked at her tiny form swaddled in love, protected in honor. His eyes wandered, to the tuffs of her golden hair to the imprints of her feet kicking the blanket away. He looked at her with clarity only reserved for the battles he needed to stay alive for and the quiet nights he spent staring at Nesta while she slept. Reserved for times he needed to remember he was alive and his heart, still beating.

Holding his daughter was like holding the Earth and watching it spin and spin and spin. Cassian could already say she was his whole world.

Nesta was lying on the bed dressed in a white night gown, clean like bitter snow. The woman who put her faith in him, when all he did was break his promises. Smiling at his dazedness and flushed with exertion.

She urged him over, and who was he to resist the thread so tightly woven around them?

Luck had never been his friend, had played cruel jokes and laughed as he twisted and faltered. He was born unlucky, a bastard, a nobody. Cassian wasn't a nobody to her.

It must have been the look in his eyes― the cloudy, distant look that made her pull on his heart.

"You deserve this." She whispered, throat dry from the screams that poured out of her moments ago. She reached a hand towards his; he clasped it and swore he would never let go.

"Don't ever believe you don't deserve this."

Her words only made him cradle the baby closer to him, lulled by the steady beat of his chest. He didn't always believe those words to be true, deep down where the vultures still pecked at his sanity. They comforted him just the same, a lullaby to his broken past and the dreams right in front of him.

He titled his head towards Nesta's, kissed her on the forehead, and said nothing. Words weren't necessary when they shared the same heart.

She reached towards the bundle, and he placed their daughter in her waiting. He watched her and the baby, the two loves of his life. The people who made him the luckiest person in the world, bastard or no.

Their daughter yawned and Nesta cooed, rocking herself gently. Only minutes old and she already held the world in her tiny fists, a world that was going to be much kinder and more loving than he had ever felt as a child. That he promised to the cauldron, the stars, his mate, and the dirt he was raised by.

"Will you let the others know?" She whispered, looking at him with the bright eyes he dreamt about at night.

He nodded, forcing himself to sever the connection that pulled him towards her, a rope that tethered him to them completely.

Cassian walked out of the room without ever taking his eyes off his girls.

One day he was a little boy with dusty boots and tattered clothes, eating scraps that people threw at the dogs. The next day he was a prince, taken in by a kind woman who embodied what he thought the sun would smell like. Something earthy, and floral, and warm.

A family found him broken, a family put him back together. One day he was alone, and the next day he never was again.

Cassian looked at all of them, his friends. Their eyes shining as much as his must have been. Smiling like the world was right and good and pure. Held together by the strings woven deep in their hearts and the hugs they gave in congratulation.

He wasn't a nobody to them.

"Thank you." He mouthed sure that no sound came out of his lips. Maybe he was saying it to the universe as much as he was saying it to his friends, the family who chose him.

It was Mor that shook her head, his praise foolish to her.

"For what?" She asked quietly, her lips turned up.

"For dealing with your foolishness?"

Her eyes twinkled with humor and tears. They had chosen her too.

She shrugged and looked around the room, at all of them.

"We were all meant to be here. Chosen by the stars I think."

They nodded, truth woven between the space of their fingertips. Cassian's cheeks hurt, and his eyes stung. He was amazed that he hadn't been swept away by the sheer force of their love. A love so grand he would have happily drowned in it.

"Thank you… for everything."

For giving me everything.

"For caring for us all, each other."

For holding me when I was down, for lifting me when I had no wings to do so.

"I know how to care for others now."

For making me believe I could be someone more than my bloodstained fists or my muddy palms.

"I don't think you ever had a problem with that, brother." Rhysand proclaimed as his arms wove around him and squeezed. Reassuring and warm and familiar.

"Would you like to meet the newest member of the inner circle?" He asked as he opened the small room nestled in the corner of the house and his heart.

"We've been waiting long enough." He replied.

The room wasn't big enough for his family, his heart, or his love.

I haven't really been writing for this fandom as of late, but I really want to. I miss writing and writing fanfiction and this year was crazy but schools almost over and I have peace. I have the writing bug again, and I really like this fandom even with the discourse (no fandoms perfect). But if your reading this and my fanfics thanks for sticking by me and my terrible patterns of neglect! I really hope you like it.