Post-ep 12X21, Green Light

Changed

The last time he'd entered the jet, his wrists had been bound in handcuffs, and his mind had been altered by drugs. Tonight, his limbs were unencumbered, and his brain once again followed his commands...mostly.

Freedom. It should have been intoxicating. But the situation before him was as sobering as any he'd ever faced.

JJ entered behind him. She'd been behind him for nearly every step since he'd left that godforsaken prison. It had been instinctive, a position assumed to make the adage of 'having his back' a reality. It had been something she'd needed to do, for her own peace of mind. Purposely letting him take the lead, even waiting for him to take it, but never letting too much distance get between them.

But then, there had been that moment in the conference room. That moment when he hadn't led, when he'd hesitated, when he'd fallen back into prison behavior. He'd been waiting for permission to leave. Waiting for his confinement to be released, at the behest of another.

It had thrown her. Each time she'd visited him, she'd looked for the mark of prison on him. She'd seen him hurting, scared, isolated, aching for freedom, but still, always, Reid. His eyes had borne the story of what he'd been through….had still been going through…..but he'd still been Reid. It had reassured her, each time, that she wouldn't lose her best friend to the worst experience of his life.

But then, he'd waited at the door. And she'd known. He was changed. The prison that had contained him was now contained within him.

She'd known it again just a few minutes ago, when she'd offered to bring him a cup of coffee. She'd been just about to amend it to his usual specifications, when he'd called out to her.

"Just black."

"Just black?"

He'd nodded.

"No cream? No sugar?" No six packets?! Certain he must be confused.

"Just black."

And she'd been thrown again.

"Why…."

"It's harder to hide if there's something else in it."

The words, those few, simple words, gave definition to the experience he'd just escaped. There had been no aspect of his life untainted by living it in prison. Even what seemed like the most basic of pleasures…a cup of coffee….had become a means of harm, a thing to be wary of, and not something to savor. It saddened her to know, and she'd had to turn away from him, to hide this newly realized sorrow about the price paid for his captivity. She feared he would be paying that price for a long time to come.

But not forever. Not if I have anything to say about it.

And she well intended to have something to say about it. She was not about to let Cat Adams, nor Lyndsey Vaughn, nor Peter Lewis, nor anyone else, steal her dearest friend's life from him. Not for as long as she had the power to help him win it back.

Even if Emily hadn't asked her to accompany Reid, she would have insisted on it. It might have been out of character, but she would have argued her way into the assignment, been a third wheel, if she'd had to be. In the brief time the team had been together since Reid's release, she'd sensed a distance between him and Emily, a sense of distrust. It couldn't hold, if they were to be a team once again, but resolving it would have to wait. For the moment, she'd known only that he had to be with someone whom he trusted completely. Having lost and won back that trust a few years ago, she wasn't about to lose it or misuse it now. She would accompany him on this monstrous task, and make her presence felt. In what he was about to face, he mustn't feel alone.

As she came down the aisle with his unsweetened coffee, her eyes took in another sign of change. There he sat, a more haggard and unshaven version of himself, but oh, so familiar, in the shirt and tie that suited him so much better than prison garb ever would. And yet, a forlorn, unfamiliar figure, absent his beloved messenger bag and the books contained within.

Has he lost that, too?

Such a minor thing, in light of everything else. But it so defined him, and she so longed to see him defined as he once had been.

Please, when all of this is over, bring him back to himself. Show me how to help him get there. While we're at it, how about giving him a break? Is it remotely possible to let him be happy for more than a minute at a time? Is that too much to ask?

She smiled at him as she took the seat beside him. They were alone in the cabin, she could have stretched out anywhere. But she needed to be close, and she sensed he did, as well. He managed a small return smile of thanks as he took the coffee from her.

They'd already done as much planning as they could. Garcia had chattered nearly nonstop on the ride back from the prison, mostly about how happy she was to have her sweet baby genius home. But Luke and JJ had also managed to give him an update, completed by the others, upon their return to the BAU. Once they'd known it was Cat Adams orchestrating the whole thing, there was little more to do beyond confronting her.

So they sat together in silence, Reid apparently not inclined to break it, and JJ not knowing quite how. In the quiet, her thoughts returned to that moment hours ago, when she'd gotten the word from Emily.

"She did? He…he's free? Oh, my God, Emily! Oh, thank God!"

To her delight, she'd been granted permission to collect him from the prison, bringing Alvez and Garcia along as well.

No one at Milburn had seemed happy about the prospect of releasing of an FBI agent, despite the fact that he'd just been exonerated of his alleged crime. There were no smiles, no 'congratulations', no acknowledgement that it was a good thing that a good man was being freed.

After what she'd suspected was a purposeful delay, JJ had been ordered to follow a guard down a long hallway to a large, empty room that held nothing but the frightened, bewildered figure of her best friend. She would never forget the expression on his face when she first saw him, the look of fear, barely covered by a look of resignation, the posture of someone who'd already given up hope. In the split second before she'd told him, his expression had pierced her heart. And, in the split second after, the look of relief had filled it to overflowing.

She'd told him. She was there to take him home. Home.

He'd swayed on his feet, and his arms had blown open, and she'd run into them, and they'd wrapped so tightly around her, she could barely breathe. She could only hold on to him, and feel him trembling, and weeping, with the sheer relief of it, and she'd wept with him. For the space of the embrace, everything that had come before, and everything that lie in wait for them, had been held at bay, and neither of them had been ready for it to end. When at last they'd slipped apart, she'd stayed close, and held his face in her hands, wiping at his tears. She'd opened her mouth to speak, but it was useless, no words would come. All she could do was to wrap her arms around him once again, for just a few seconds more. Just a few seconds more, and then they were back in the world again, facing the monumental task of saving his mother's life.

A guard had come to the door and reported that Reid's paperwork was ready, and that he would need to leave his prison garb behind. It didn't belong to him.

'It doesn't belong on him, either', JJ had thought, loudly.

They'd followed the guard down a hallway, where he'd tried to turn JJ away while he sent Reid into a locker room to change. But she'd refused. She wasn't leaving Reid alone until she had him outside the confines of the prison grounds. She'd stood outside the locker room door until it had opened to the form of her best friend, wearing a suit and tie on his body, and a look of determination on his face.

She felt the sting of tears again as she remembered that blissful moment of relief, after all of the torment of the events preceding it, and the knowledge of what might follow. Instinctively, she reached for his hand, and, instinctively, he allowed her to take it, entwining his fingers with hers. They sat like that, quietly, each lost in their own thoughts, for a long time. Mostly, her thoughts wondered about the content of his, as she felt his fingers intermittently tighten and loosen around her own.

Staring out into the night sky, Reid was unaware that his fingers were conveying anything. His thoughts wouldn't settle. His mind wouldn't settle. He'd lived for months in a state of hyperalertness, carrying an acute sense of danger, even absorbing that danger, until he'd become a danger himself. He'd been isolated and afraid, able to trust no one. He'd been assaulted, and beaten, and terrorized. And he'd tried desperately not to let it change him. He'd tried to protect his integrity, to find a way to survive without compromise, but it had been impossible. His quixotic desire had cost one man his life, and his reaction to it had threatened the lives of four others. He'd even gone so far as to stab himself, in what could have been a futile attempt to find protection. Daily, he'd felt hope slipping away, oozing out through his pores and evaporating into the dank prison air.

And then, today, just hours ago, hope had abandoned him completely. His mother had been taken, his friends didn't believe him, he had no way to help her, no way to help himself. He was at the mercy and whim of his enemies, and he could feel it all coming to a head. An end. His end.

When the guard had come to pull him from his isolation cell, when he'd been bound with metal cuffs and surrounded by three men armed with guns, when he'd been left in that room devoid of furniture, devoid of anything but the echoing of every threat made to him since he'd entered that place…when he'd heard the key in the lock…when he'd heard the latch release, and watched the door open…..when he'd whipped his head around to see where they would come from…..

JJ felt the pressure building in his grip on her hand. Building, and building, and…

"Spence?"

She saw him blink himself back to awareness as she made a half turn and pulled his other hand into hers.

"Tell me?"

Twice his mouth opened and closed without emitting a sound, and he shook his head. He couldn't. There was so much he couldn't tell her. Not now. Maybe not ever. There were some things that shouldn't be spoken.

She dropped her eyes, nodding. "Okay. I won't push. Just…you know that you can, right? If you need to, or even if you just want to…. I will always be here. Always. I won't run away, no matter how bad it is. Okay?"

He brought both of her hands together and covered them with his, and sat and stared at them for a long moment. Then he took a breath and tried unsuccessfully to steady his voice. There was something he did want to tell her.

Keeping his eyes focused on their hands, he started.

"I was threatened again yesterday, and this time the threat was coming from all sides, because they found out I was in the FBI. I was able to get myself put in solitary, but it turned out that even that wasn't safe. The guards couldn't be trusted, and Shaw had already shown me that he could get to me if he wanted to…..and he wanted to. So, today, when the guard came to get me, and he didn't say anything...didn't say what was happening, or where we were going...when he just put the handcuffs on me, and the three of them walked me to that holding room and just left me there…. I thought… I thought….."

JJ remembered that look of resignation on his face.

"You thought they were going to beat you again." Trying to repel the images her words brought to mind.

He shook his head. "I thought they were going to kill me. There was nothing I could do. Nothing in that room. No weapon I could use, no way to defend myself from a mob. Walking down that hallway, I felt like I did…. almost exactly like I did…. when Charles Hankel walked me into the woods in Georgia."

Her hands went to her mouth, but JJ had already lost her battle with tears. The thought…the very thought, that he actually had a life experience to compare this with, and she rattled her saber at the heavens again.

Can't You even pretend to be benevolent?

He told her the rest of it. "I thought I would be dead in the next few minutes, and I….I just kept thinking, 'I'm sorry, Mom…I'm sorry, Mom… And then I heard the door, and I thought, 'this is it', and I turned around…..

His voice broke completely, as his tears joined hers. "And you…. you were there, and you were smiling, and….. honestly, I wondered if I had already died, and I was looking at an angel."

Unable to respond to that in any other way, JJ reached out and pulled him close once again, and he wrapped his arms around her. As they had this afternoon, they clung to one another, and wept, and then they rested in the embrace, holding one another, leaning on one another. When she was sure of her voice, JJ spoke softly into his ear.

"This is the worst it will ever be. The worst, Spence, and you're nearly on the other side of it. You won't have to do any of the rest alone, I promise you that. I'm not budging from your side, but you won't need me. You're stronger and smarter than Cat Adams, and she knows it. So you play her little game long enough to get your mother back, and then you let Cat have what she deserves, and you walk away, and back into your life."

Please walk back into your life.

He pulled back and held her away from him by the shoulders. For a long time, he just looked at her. Sad, hazel eyes, staring into hers.

"I'm not the same."

It almost brought her to tears again, but she fought it. This was the focal point, the thing that mattered more than all that had come before, and what they knew was to come after. It was a moment that demanded strength.

"I know."

"I just….. I'm not sure you do. I'm not even sure I know what I mean by it. I just know that it's true. I'm not the same as I was three months ago. I can't just pick up where I left off, it wasn't some kind of time out."

She was literally biting her cheeks to divert the pain his words evoked.

Are you saying I've lost you? You're my best friend in the world, the keeper of my heart, every bit as much as my boys and Will. I don't know how to be 'me' without you.

He was still trying to find the words. "I don't know that I have a life to return to. I know I can't live it the way I did before. I don't even know that I still have a job, despite what Emily thinks."

And I don't know if I want it anymore.

JJ's eyes opened wide, an unconscious gesture that they, if not she, knew would draw him in. There was a battle to be fought, and it wasn't with Cat Adams. She was for later. They were already on the most crucial battleground now. Despite her bitter words earlier, she prayed for guidance.

Don't rely on my thoughts, they're too mixed up right now. Just move my mouth. Please.

She pulled his hands into hers once again, took a breath, and began.

"Spence, you're right. I can't know. I can't understand. All I can do is imagine, and maybe not even that. I do know that life changes us. And I know that this is a part of your life, now. It's not something you can forget about…maybe it's not something you want to forget about."

His eyes were trained on hers, diving deep, looking for….something. Maybe something to hold on to. Some part of his old life. For, although he knew he might, he didn't want to lose it. Not all of it.

She said it another way. "We're all the sum of our parts, aren't we? We're shaped by every person, and every event we've encountered."

"Some things stay with you, JJ. Some things shape you more than others." As they both well knew.

"I know they do. I know this isn't something that can be fixed with…..with a thousand drawings from Henry, or even a thousand days in the park. I know that. Just like I know you want to go inside yourself right now, don't you? You want to retreat, until you've worked it out."

He broke eye contact immediately, and she knew she was on target.

"Spence…." Pulling at his hands, to draw his gaze back to her. "It's not wrong to want to do that. You're the only one who can make sense of it, you're the only one who can know where it fits into your life. But there are two things I will beg you to remember."

Hazel drawn into blue once again, hanging on her words, as if they contained the wisdom he so badly needed. That much hadn't changed.

Softly, "What?"

She tightened her fingers around his. "I want you to remember that there are people who love you, who are every bit as much a part of your life as this hellish three months has been. I'm selfish enough to say that I…me….just me, JJ…. I don't want to lose you. You're my best and dearest friend, and I love you. There would be a Spence-sized hole in my heart without you."

He smiled at that, and squeezed her hands. "I won't stop loving you. Don't think I can."

She smiled back. "Let's keep it that way, okay? But, Spence...there's something else you need to remember. You know how much I wish this wasn't true…..but your mom may not have time to wait for you to be ready. We'll get her back from Cat, I'm sure of that. But we won't get her back from her illnesses. She needs you now, Spence. You need your time together now."

You don't have time to get lost inside. Not now.

He broke their gaze and turned his toward the window. She took note that he let his hands remain in hers. After several minutes, he spoke.

"I can't think straight. There's too much….." Pulling one hand away to tap his temple, "….there's too much…too many thoughts….and images…..and….it makes me feel…"

Lost for words. Spencer Reid, lost for words. Another thing that had changed.

JJ read between the lines. She'd brought his attention back to his mother. If he couldn't think straight, how could he possibly go into battle with Cat Adams?

She lifted her free hand to pat his chest. "This thing right here? Let it drive you. I saw it kick your brain into action when we went to your apartment, remember? You knew right away that Lyndsey's message had to be in your mom's memory book."

"But I didn't understand it! I got it wrong! I thought she was saying something about herself and Mr. Scratch. Why would she leave male and female chromosome symbols if she's working with Cat?"

Just like that, he was back working the case. He may not have realized the leap, but JJ did. She also realized the time. They would be landing soon. Best if his mind was engaged in the immediate problem before them, and not in looking into the dim, uncertain future. Best for both of them. Best for Diana. So she entered into the dialogue.

"I don't know. Could it mean that Cat has somehow hooked up with Scratch?"

Reid didn't like that idea. "I don't think Scratch is capable of that kind of relationship. Maybe not any kind of relationship. So, if it's a pairing she's signaling, it has to be Cat and someone else."

The words resonated with JJ, evoked a sense memory of the conversation between Reid and Cat last year. She'd listened into it, long after the woman had thrown 'Blondie' out of the restaurant.

"What if it's you?"

"Me?"

"Spence, don't you remember? She was intrigued by you. You were more than just a puzzle to be solved, or someone to be bested. She made it personal between you. She drew out the information about your mom."

He misunderstood. "I know it's personal. I tricked her, and she's angry with me. But that doesn't explain the symbols."

"Oh, yes, my friend, it does. Aren't you the one who's always said love and hate are two sides of the same coin?"

"You think….?"

"I don't know. But, yes, maybe. I just think you might want to be prepared for that."

He seemed a little stunned, which was remarkable, considering the absurdity of his recent past. And then, he was repulsed. Not by Cat, but by another image. Another time a woman had tried to force herself on him. Another time his hands had been tied, literally, and figuratively. He'd have done anything he had to do, to free Maeve. And now, if JJ was right, he might be asked to do something equally unthinkable, to save his mother. And it couldn't….it couldn't…..have the same outcome. He had to succeed, this time.

They could feel the jet making its descent, and knew the time would be shortly upon them. JJ drew him one more time into her gaze.

"You've got this. I'll be right beside you, but you won't need me. I'll just be there to throw her off her game a little bit. But, just so you know, in case she tries to dismiss me…..I'm not leaving. I'm not leaving you alone with her on her command. If you want me to go, I'll go. But…please don't want me to go."

He heard her. She wanted him to be confident, even if she wasn't all the way there yet. And she had his back, as well as his heart.

He gave her a small smile and squeezed her hand. "I won't want you to go. But if it has to happen, I'll be all right, because I'll know what's waiting on the other side of it. I'll know who's waiting on the other side of it.

Mom. You. Whoever I am now. The rest of my life, wherever it takes me. And freedom.