Series 6, Episode 2 "Tribal"

John sat up in bed, pretending to read while he waited for his wife to finish getting ready for bed. He missed the way she used to chatter away as she flitted about their bedroom, sorting clothes for laundry or making sure her uniform was ready for the next day. But lately finding a topic was a chore. He tried to revisit their dreams of buying a hotel, but Anna could only see a childless future. Even small talk about their day became strained; there was news from America and Lady Rose was in the family way.

"You look like you have something to say," Anna said as she sat at her dressing table and pulled pins from her hair. When he didn't speak, she looked up and met his eyes in the mirror. "Out with it."

"Why did you say that I'm tribal?" he asked and instantly her eyes dropped to the hairbrush she held in her hands. "Do you think I'm incapable of accepting a child that I didn't make with you? Do you really think I'm that heartless?"

"Of course, I don't think that," she answered sharply, but then her tone turned apologetic. "I shouldn't have said that, I know you are capable of great love."

"Then why?" He pushed. With a heavy sigh, Anna moved to blow out the candle on the small table by the bed. She crawled under the covers and stared at the ceiling for a few moments before speaking.

"You've been to prison, John. I've been to prison," she reasoned quietly. "Who would ever allow it?"

"If we explained the details," John offered. "I'm sure his lordship would be willing to write..." His words trailed off as she shook her head and her face began to crumple.

"I couldn't bear it," she said, struggling to keep her tears out of her voice. "I couldn't bear to hear someone say we aren't fit, that we aren't good enough. It's bad enough that nature has deemed it so, to hear it spoken outside my head-"

"There is no one," John interrupted sharply. "No one could possibly believe that about you. They would only have to meet you for a minute to know how a child would be lucky to have you as a mother." He reached out for her, but she wouldn't yield to the comfort he offered. Helplessly he watched the tears run from the corners of her eyes into her pillow.

"We've had so many troubles," she cried, turning her head to look at him. "Right from the start, it was if we were cursed, as if the universe was against us!" John closed his eyes, unable to deny her words. "That's why I want to have your child, John! Our baby would be living proof that the universe was wrong! A small, perfect little mix of you and me to show that we were meant to be together no matter what has tried to push us apart."

John shifted lower into the bed to be closer. He tenderly brushed the hair from her face and wiped her eyes. "You and I are the proof of that, my darling. We are together, we are stronger... despite everything, we love each other more than when we started. We must let that be our happiness." Anna covered his hand with her own and sniffed.

"I do love you. So much. But I'm not happy," she confessed as fresh tears flooded her eyes. "And I'm so scared that I will never be happy again." Finally she allowed her husband to roll her into his arms and hold her while she wept.

"Even in our darkest hour, we never lost hope," he whispered as he soothed her. "We don't owe the universe any more proof than that." He gave her a gentle smile. "If anything, the universe owes us a miracle or two. We mustn't lose hope that it will happen someday."Anna nodded and then burrowed into his side, exhaling slowly as they settled down to sleep.

She thought that moment would have been a good time to tell him about Lady Mary's plan to take her to London to see Dr. Ryder, but she couldn't bring herself to do so. It was one thing to hang on to hope but quite another to build it up so high and risk everything.

She couldn't do that to him. She couldn't do it to herself.