"Feeling sorry for yourself?" a familiar voice added. I didn't look up. I just nodded. "Good." she replied.
"Please Janet, don't you start too.". She shrugged.
Janet knew everything. Being a doctor, she's naturally intuitive. Being Janet, she had no hesitation in getting the truth out of me. Being Sam's best friend, she had no intention of telling me anything about Sam.
"I really have upset Sam, haven't I." I said, slowly.
"Oh yeah." she replied, stirring milk into her coffee.
"Janet....what went on while I was away?". She looked at me disbelieving, but she must have registered the confusion on my face, because she sat down at the table, put her coffee down, and said,
"Sam finally realised how much she cares for you.". I held my breath. I'd been waiting to hear those words for ages, but then again, I dreaded it. Me and her...it was wrong. Was I the only person in the world that thought that?
Janet took a deep breath, and continued.
"She was devastated when she realised you were gone. I mean really, truly devastated. She never stopped thinking of a way to get you back. Hardly slept, hardly ate, lived off coffee, didn't even leave the base for three months. Eventually she came up with a plan involving building a particle beam generator. Now, that isn't like building a house, or a wall, or anything like that. It took a long time. And a lot of work. She knew the Tollans would have been able to pick you up next year. She said you shouldn't have to wait that long. I told her to rest. She refused. All her energies were focused on getting you back as quickly as possible. Imagine her surprise when she succeeded, and discovered not only had you not being trying to get back, but you'd built a whole new life for yourself, one with no place for her.".
I was silent. I imagined Sam working in the lab, performing miracles, desperate to rescue me. And every time I thought of it, it twisted a knife in my gut. Those images, of her working so hard, pushing herself so hard, for me, not because I was lost forever, but because she thought I 'd want to come home as soon as possible, twisted the guilt in me. I'd merely assumed she'd come up with one of her brilliant solutions. I'd never thought about the work behind it, the driving force that pushed her on. I never even thought that she'd suspended her own life to rescue me.
"I was glad to come back." I said.
"Really? Because you don't act like it.".
"I...Janet, I'd decided before I left to cool things with Sam. I wanted it over, Janet. I just wanted to end those desperate, lonely nights. I wanted to stop wanting to reach out to her, and not being able to. I just wanted it all to stop.".
"So you can do that can you? Just stop loving someone?".
"I thought I could.".
"And Laira was part of the healing process?". I nodded. She smiled, all-knowing, the way Janet does.
"You're not a bastard." she said. "You're an idiot. A complete idiot. Did it never occur to you that maybe, just maybe she cared for you too? That the shock of losing you was enough to make her see how much she cares? I asked her, about you. She said she missed you. For someone who's as little in touch with her emotions as Sam is, that's a major breakthrough.".
She missed me? I never knew that. I never...I thought my disappearance was another problem for her to solve, another way to stretch her mind. I never thought that maybe she needed me back, I never thought.....
"Janet...I can't tell her. I've got to stop this, now. I decided to before I left, and I'm not changing my mind.".
"Go and see her. I'm not asking that you tell her you love her. You try and stop loving her, if you want, if you can. But she's so used to you being tender and protective and close to her, in your own clumsy way, and you've hurt her more than you can ever know by withdrawing that. Go and see her, be friends with her again. If not..".
"If not?".
"If not, I'll hurt you. And I'm a doctor. I really know how to hurt people.".
So that's why I'm standing here, in the doorway of her lab, watching Carter work. It's a problem I threw at her two days ago, curtly telling her to solve it. She took it wordlessly, and I get the feeling that she's up ever since working on it.
I don't want to love her. I don't want to care so much for her that it hurts. I want my freedom. But I need her.
She looks tired. How could I have not seen that? And how could I have not seen how the life has drained out of her? She never laughs anymore. She barely smiles. She's lost all her joy. I've been so wrapped up in trying not to love her, in believing that I don't love her, that I haven't noticed how much I've hurt her.
"Carter." I said.
She looks up, surprised, and I see there's shadows under her eyes.
"Sir! I'm almost there. Just a little while longer.".
"Carter, go to bed. You're exhausted. It can wait. Sleep. That's an order Major.".
She thinks of arguing, but she doesn't. She stands up, and walks towards me, to the door.
"Sam," I say, without thinking. She looks up at me, directly into my eyes for the first time since I came back. Oh God, how could I ever think I don't love her? I lied to myself. I hid from myself, and now I'm paying the price...her pain.
"Sir?" she whispers, too tired to talk properly.
"I never said thank you.".
"Thank you?" she asks, puzzled.
"For rescuing me.". And I didn't mean just from Edorra.
"For separating from your wife and child?" She sid bitterly, refusing to meet my eyes.
"Not my wife. And probably no child. I was....I really thought home....you....was lost forever, and Laira was always there..always so insistent.".
"I see.". She didn't. She didn't believe me.
"I should have had my faith in you, Sam. I should have known you'd come for me." I was pleading now, trying to make her see, but I didn't have the words to break down her walls.
"You should have, but you didn't. Goodnight Sir.".
"Sam!" I called out. She stopped, but didn't turn around. "I missed you, Sam.". She said nothing. She merely walked away.
I don't know what to do now. Do I tell her I love her? Have I the courage to admit to myself I love her? Should I continue to hide, to deny a relationship that for her sake, should never happen?
Or do I tell her, that I'm frightened to love her? And that if I'd thought she'd cared before I left, I'd never have touched Laira? That I'm sorry?
I wish I knew. All I do know is, I've destroyed some of the faith and trust between us. And I don't know what to do next.
THE END
"Please Janet, don't you start too.". She shrugged.
Janet knew everything. Being a doctor, she's naturally intuitive. Being Janet, she had no hesitation in getting the truth out of me. Being Sam's best friend, she had no intention of telling me anything about Sam.
"I really have upset Sam, haven't I." I said, slowly.
"Oh yeah." she replied, stirring milk into her coffee.
"Janet....what went on while I was away?". She looked at me disbelieving, but she must have registered the confusion on my face, because she sat down at the table, put her coffee down, and said,
"Sam finally realised how much she cares for you.". I held my breath. I'd been waiting to hear those words for ages, but then again, I dreaded it. Me and her...it was wrong. Was I the only person in the world that thought that?
Janet took a deep breath, and continued.
"She was devastated when she realised you were gone. I mean really, truly devastated. She never stopped thinking of a way to get you back. Hardly slept, hardly ate, lived off coffee, didn't even leave the base for three months. Eventually she came up with a plan involving building a particle beam generator. Now, that isn't like building a house, or a wall, or anything like that. It took a long time. And a lot of work. She knew the Tollans would have been able to pick you up next year. She said you shouldn't have to wait that long. I told her to rest. She refused. All her energies were focused on getting you back as quickly as possible. Imagine her surprise when she succeeded, and discovered not only had you not being trying to get back, but you'd built a whole new life for yourself, one with no place for her.".
I was silent. I imagined Sam working in the lab, performing miracles, desperate to rescue me. And every time I thought of it, it twisted a knife in my gut. Those images, of her working so hard, pushing herself so hard, for me, not because I was lost forever, but because she thought I 'd want to come home as soon as possible, twisted the guilt in me. I'd merely assumed she'd come up with one of her brilliant solutions. I'd never thought about the work behind it, the driving force that pushed her on. I never even thought that she'd suspended her own life to rescue me.
"I was glad to come back." I said.
"Really? Because you don't act like it.".
"I...Janet, I'd decided before I left to cool things with Sam. I wanted it over, Janet. I just wanted to end those desperate, lonely nights. I wanted to stop wanting to reach out to her, and not being able to. I just wanted it all to stop.".
"So you can do that can you? Just stop loving someone?".
"I thought I could.".
"And Laira was part of the healing process?". I nodded. She smiled, all-knowing, the way Janet does.
"You're not a bastard." she said. "You're an idiot. A complete idiot. Did it never occur to you that maybe, just maybe she cared for you too? That the shock of losing you was enough to make her see how much she cares? I asked her, about you. She said she missed you. For someone who's as little in touch with her emotions as Sam is, that's a major breakthrough.".
She missed me? I never knew that. I never...I thought my disappearance was another problem for her to solve, another way to stretch her mind. I never thought that maybe she needed me back, I never thought.....
"Janet...I can't tell her. I've got to stop this, now. I decided to before I left, and I'm not changing my mind.".
"Go and see her. I'm not asking that you tell her you love her. You try and stop loving her, if you want, if you can. But she's so used to you being tender and protective and close to her, in your own clumsy way, and you've hurt her more than you can ever know by withdrawing that. Go and see her, be friends with her again. If not..".
"If not?".
"If not, I'll hurt you. And I'm a doctor. I really know how to hurt people.".
So that's why I'm standing here, in the doorway of her lab, watching Carter work. It's a problem I threw at her two days ago, curtly telling her to solve it. She took it wordlessly, and I get the feeling that she's up ever since working on it.
I don't want to love her. I don't want to care so much for her that it hurts. I want my freedom. But I need her.
She looks tired. How could I have not seen that? And how could I have not seen how the life has drained out of her? She never laughs anymore. She barely smiles. She's lost all her joy. I've been so wrapped up in trying not to love her, in believing that I don't love her, that I haven't noticed how much I've hurt her.
"Carter." I said.
She looks up, surprised, and I see there's shadows under her eyes.
"Sir! I'm almost there. Just a little while longer.".
"Carter, go to bed. You're exhausted. It can wait. Sleep. That's an order Major.".
She thinks of arguing, but she doesn't. She stands up, and walks towards me, to the door.
"Sam," I say, without thinking. She looks up at me, directly into my eyes for the first time since I came back. Oh God, how could I ever think I don't love her? I lied to myself. I hid from myself, and now I'm paying the price...her pain.
"Sir?" she whispers, too tired to talk properly.
"I never said thank you.".
"Thank you?" she asks, puzzled.
"For rescuing me.". And I didn't mean just from Edorra.
"For separating from your wife and child?" She sid bitterly, refusing to meet my eyes.
"Not my wife. And probably no child. I was....I really thought home....you....was lost forever, and Laira was always there..always so insistent.".
"I see.". She didn't. She didn't believe me.
"I should have had my faith in you, Sam. I should have known you'd come for me." I was pleading now, trying to make her see, but I didn't have the words to break down her walls.
"You should have, but you didn't. Goodnight Sir.".
"Sam!" I called out. She stopped, but didn't turn around. "I missed you, Sam.". She said nothing. She merely walked away.
I don't know what to do now. Do I tell her I love her? Have I the courage to admit to myself I love her? Should I continue to hide, to deny a relationship that for her sake, should never happen?
Or do I tell her, that I'm frightened to love her? And that if I'd thought she'd cared before I left, I'd never have touched Laira? That I'm sorry?
I wish I knew. All I do know is, I've destroyed some of the faith and trust between us. And I don't know what to do next.
THE END