NOTE: Some NSFW sexytimes ahead between a married couple about to have their first baby because why not? Also, terrible punny title. Again because why not?

With a Whimper and a Bang

"I'm going to be pregnant forever," Hermione grumbled irritably, poking her absurdly bulbous belly with disdain.

"No you're not," Severus replied, bending down and kissing her on the forehead.

"Hmph, you're not allowed to have an opinion on this because you're not the one feeling your sprog rolling about over my internal organs," Hermione sniffed and crossed her arms, which meant that she had to rest them on the top of her belly since otherwise there was no room.

"Oh, so he's my sprog now, is he?" Severus replied, arching an eyebrow.

"Why are you still so sure it's going to be a boy?" Hermione said, poking at what seemed to be an elbow or a food rippling under her skin. "And besides, you were happy not to mince any words when you begged me to let you fill me with your child."

Severus' cheeks went pink at Hermione's glibness.

"What was it you said all those months ago on our wedding night?" Hermione put a finger to her lips. "Oh yes. 'Please have my baby, Hermione. I want to watch your belly swell with my child.'"

Severus was blushing madly by this time and Hermione smirked even as her belly jiggled on its own accord. She could see that his eyes were burning with desire, though, and from the uncomfortable way he shifted from side to side, it would appear that his body had been stirred by her words as well.

"It's been fun and all creating new life, but now I look like I've swallowed a bloody watermelon and my feet are swollen and I just want it to be over," Hermione whined, sitting back down on the edge of the bed and growling when it sank down under her increased weight.

"Well, there is a way…" Severus sounded profoundly uncomfortable.

"Oh?" Hermione perked up a bit. "It won't hurt the baby, though, right?"

"No. It'll either work or it won't," Severus replied, his pupils dilated as he loomed over his wife. "Do you want to try it?"

Hermione's voice caught in her throat and she could feel herself growing a bit light headed. There was something in those words that dripped with sex, and she found that she wanted him. Badly.

"You see," Severus said, kissing her slowly on the lips and trailing kisses down her neck as she lay back on the mattress, "Studies have found that the chemicals in the fluid that makes babies in the first place can actually induce labor when carefully placed against the cervix."

Hermione bit her lip. "Oh. Is that so?"

"Oh yes," Severus replied, his lips brushing against the swell over her belly as he placed his hands on either side of her and gently helped her to turn over. "Now, then, rise up on your hands and knees, and I'll be happy to get started. I've been saving up, you see, for maximum effect."

"Oh, I'm sure you have," Hermione replied, thinking back to the past few weeks, which had been uncomfortable and draining for her.

Severus slid her robes up slowly until they were hitched up over her waist. The nice thing about robes was that they were breathable, fit over a giant belly bump rather well, and Hermione didn't have to wear anything underneath except for knickers, which could be easily pushed aside, say, if one's randy husband were to ambush one in an abandoned classroom after warding the door closed. Hermione had spent a number of evenings finishing her rounds in a post-orgasmic daze with her belly filled to the brim. It was no wonder that he'd gotten her pregnant within a month of their marriage (which, to be fair, had only happened after a good five years of courtship and another year of being engaged, so truth be told, she'd been ready).

This time, though, Severus slowly slid down her knickers and she lifted each leg so that he could pull them free. He pressed his finger against her labia and drew it back, licking it thoughtfully. "You're very wet today," he remarked. "Tasty, too."

It was Hermione's turn to blush. Her belly pressed against the mattress and she could feel her insides fluttering with anticipation.

Severus kissed her bare arse and moved lower, licking her vulva and clitoris in the sure and steady way of someone who knew her body intimately until she balled the duvet in both hands and cried out, her body convulsing in orgasm.

"I'm sorry," he said, then, panting. "I can't wait any longer."

She heard him tearing at his clothing, ripping his robes over his head and throwing them to the floor with careless abandon and then he was inside of her, and he was so hot and filling and right that she cried out again in pleasure. He pressed deeper and deeper until he was bumping against her cervix, and she recognized the deliberate way he was moving, angling himself perfectly against her to ensure his aim was true.

Soon, far too soon, he clenched, his voice guttural and husky and past the point of controlling what was to happen next. He pressed hard against her cervix, then, enough to make her wince a bit, even though it was also somewhat pleasurable, especially as warmth and heat began to fill her and she could hear him moaning her name as though speaking in tongues from the pleasure of being milked by the heat and warmth of her innermost folds.

He held himself inside of her for a long time, bending over her slightly sweat-slick back to kiss her up the back of her spine and rumble appreciatively when she squeaked in pleasure.

All too soon, they drew apart, and Hermione threw her robe over her head as well. It would make clean up in the bathroom much easier without having to mind the hem of the robe.

She'd reached the bathroom when a strange feeling seemed to fill her, and she sat down on the toilet, wondering if it was going to be the fifty millionth time she'd had to pee that day.

Instead, something warm and distinctly not urine poured out of her with a rushing sensation that left her breathless.

And then, she was doubled over with pain as the first real contraction hit her.

She called out his name, then, her mind full of nervousness. "Severus! The baby! The baby is coming!"

He was with her in a moment, clothed and with the bag they'd packed earlier "just in case" over his shoulder. A special kimono-tie robe was in his hand and he rubbed her back as she breathed through the contraction.

"I've opened the floo connection," he said, kissing her tenderly. "Let's go have this baby."

"Easy for you to say," Hermione grumbled, "you just have to hold my hand while I do all the hard work."

"With that mindset, anything's possible. You're going to do wonderfully, I can tell," Severus helped her up and tied the robe around her gently. "Just don't overthink it."

"This is me we're talking about," Hermione replied with a rueful laugh. "I don't think there's a chance in hell that I'm not going to."

"That's my girl," Severus replied with a soft chuckle and they headed slowly for the floo together.