All the disclaimers and a treatise on this work (read until 6 at least before you skip to the story). Story is functionally done. Just fixing egregious grammar/spelling mistakes.

1. I have only seen the tv show which does not belong to me (beginning bits in italics are lifted verbatim)

2. I stopped after episode 11 to process and processing turned into writing this. I'm not going to watch the rest.

3. I haven't written fiction in a VERY long time so I pretty much apologize for everything (style, dialogue, pacing…etc). You have been warned.

4. I have not hung out with high schoolers in a long time (youth group advisor) and the last time I was a high schooler was a VERY long time ago so writing in the voice of a teenager is not easy for me. I am not up on lingo at all so they will mostly be speaking as if they are teenagers in the aughts but with cell phones.

5. I decided to give Clay what he wanted to say (within reason, he's 17) and let it snowball from there. What would have changed had Clay stayed? What would have been different? What was fated? Who is ultimately responsible? This makes it sound like this is a much bigger and better work of fiction than what you have in front of you.

6. I don't think the attention from an average looking white boy would have solved all of Hannah's problems. She's still dealing with some sort of mental illness and severe bullying.

7. The reason one writes fanfiction is because they feel like something is missing from the original art or there is an idea that hasn't been explored. One of my favorite authors wrote some beautiful twilight fiction (a series I find deeply problematic though had to read during a summer job as a camp counselor) because she wanted to flesh out characters and in some way correct what she found to not work about the series. Check out minisinoo for wonderfully written Twilight, Harry Potter and X-men fanfic. It's really important to me that Clay stays 17 and doesn't become idealized because he's a kid and he has the right (even in knock off fanfiction) to act like a kid and not like an adult. He's not perfect. He's dealing with his own stuff (at the very least subclinical anxiety and he likely had a depressive episode 2 years prior to the series).

8. I've been a manic depressive since I was a kid which means many of the things I am describing are from personal experience and they are how I think about and experience my reality. My experience is not universal and I am not TRYING to be universal.

9. I read a critique about how we don't really see Hannah struggling with mental illness, which is valid, but I understand why they didn't from an artistic perspective, depression is boring, I do not recommend it. Watching someone stare at a wall for 12 hours isn't terribly interesting or compelling TV. Art only shows the dramatic points in mental illness which are, to be honest, 2% of the actual experience.

10. People with mental illness are not easy people. They can be really painful, difficult people to be around. They have an astounding knack for going for the emotional jugular. Also some are real good at hiding it.

11. For anyone struggling out there struggling with depression, help exists. I suffered for a really long time and went through many dark times but today I'm doing a lot better. I take my meds, I talk out things I went through, I have friends/family who know and are educated on the best ways to help/what to look out for in case I cannot verbalize what is happening to me and I self care like crazy. I've just finished grad school and I am starting my job soon. I'll never be "well" because episodes can and do happen but less often, not as bad and I know how to deal with them now. It does take a lot of work. I'm not well, but I am a hell of a lot better and I'm getting on with life. I have this saved on my phone and it helps a lot when I am having a bad day. post/41509206591/ive-been-getting-a-lot-of-these-lately-and-i

Chapter 1. If only

"Leave me alone. Okay, just leave me alone Clay. You should just go."

"I thought it was okay."

"I don't want you here. Get out!"

"Hannah…"

"Get the fuck out!"

"Okay. I'll go. But tell me what's going on, okay? Tell me what's wrong."

"You don't want to be with me, Clay."

"But I do. I really do."

"You know what people will say?"

"No. And I don't care."

"Because it's easy for you, right, because you're not the class slut."

"Don't say that."

"Everybody says it!"

"I don't say it."

"Yes you did; when you saw that picture!"

"I didn't believe it. I was angry for a minute because, because I was jealous of Justin. And I was mad at you for wanting him and not me. And I was an asshole and I'm sorry...I'm not going. Not now." Clay didn't know where the words came from as they spilled from his mouth.

Hannah sat there crying and Clay sat next to her, buttoning up his shirt and trying, at least in this moment, to put aside the crush of rejection and the urge to bolt. He noticed the tissues on the night stand and reached across for them, his arm bushing her. Hannah flinched and curled into herself. Clay placed the box in her hands and moved a half inch away from her on the bed. A thousand emotions were playing across her face but he couldn't read any of them.

"I'll give you space and everything but let me sit with you for a bit. We don't have to talk if you don't want to," he said. 'I don't want to go. I love you,' he wanted to say but he was seventeen and it was beyond him to even really admit it himself, let alone say it aloud. What good would it do anyway? He disgusted her; it would only make it worse.

"Leave me alone Clay," she protested again.

"Can I get someone to sit with you? Maybe you can call your mom to pick you up?" He would find someone to take care of her and then run away as quickly as possible. 'Run Clay,' his gut said. 'Bail out now before you make an even greater fool of yourself.' But the tears trickling down her face and the scared look in her eyes kept him in place.

"My phone is dead," she said, choking on tears and pulling a tissue from the box.

"Call her from my phone," he said, handing over his phone. She took it in trembling hands as a burst of laughter sounded from the other side of the door.

"Let's get out of this room. Let's get some air." He paused and added softly, "I won't touch you, I promise." She nodded as the door burst open and Jessica and Justin fell into the room. Jessica stumbled onto the bed as Justin reached out to stop her fall.

"Love birds," Jessica giggled as she attempted to right herself.

"Getting in on a piece of that ass too, Jensen? Speaking from personal experience, you won't regret it. It was even rated the best ass in the school." Justin smirked. Shame washed over Hannah. Once more she was the school slut and that's what Clay would think. Maybe he too wanted her because he thought she was easy.

"Shut up the fuck up," Clay glowered. Hannah moved, eyes lowered, to Jessica who was swaying wildly where she sat on the bed.

"She needs water," Hannah mumbled, saying anything to take the focus off of her.

"I'm a big girl, Hannah. You aren't my mom," Jessica slurred.

"I'll grab water," Clay said, pushing past Justin to the door who stood silently for a minute in the entrance to the room.

"Oh hey Clay!" Jeff exclaimed when Clay stepped out into hallway. "I saw you and Hannah heading upstairs. What's happening?" Jeff grinned widely and raised his eyebrows suggestively.

"Nothing happened," Clay replied quickly, too quickly, unable to sort out the whirlwind of emotions that had been the last hour. "Hannah's in there taking care of Jess who is pretty out of it. I'm just grabbing some water."

"Well, get on it bro! Seize the moment! I'm proud of you, son. You've come so far under my tutelage." Jeff smirked before changing his tone, "I'm off on a beer run. Want anything?"

"I'm ok," Clay told him. He looked at Jeff critically. "You good to drive?"

"I'm all good, dude. 2 beers, 2 hours. I'll be fine." Jeff headed down the stairs and Clay returned to his mission.

Clay slipped into the room in time to see Justin pulling Hannah's arm hard enough to leave the marks of his fingers, dragging her to the door as Hannah resisted with everything she had. "Just get the hell out, bitch. I'll take care of my girlfriend," Justin said. Clay put the glass down on the desk.

"Leave her the fuck alone," he demanded. Justin turned his head to Clay with a smirk.

"What? You don't want me to ruined your change to get with that?"And it was then Clay did the most un-Clay-like thing he had ever done and punched Justin. "The fuck Jensen!" Justin yelled clutching his jaw and letting go of Hannah who stumbled back to the bed.

"Get out. Get the hell out now!" Clay threatened, pushing Justin out of the door and slamming it behind him. He locked it to keep Justin out. Clay leaned against the door and breathed heavily. "Oh my god I've never done something like that before. I just punched Justin Foley. Holy shit I just punched someone." A subsequent litany of "Holy shit"s poured from his mouth. From where she sat next to Jess on the bed, Hannah could see he was shaking but she couldn't go to him, her legs were too weak. She lay down next to Jessica and watched him with wide eyes. Clay came back to himself and brought over the water glass from where he had left it, not able to bring himself to look at Hannah as he handed it to her. Her hand lingered on his for a second. They looked at where their hands touched, unable to look into each other's eyes.

"I should stay with her, make sure she's ok," Hannah said.

"I can go, if you want," Clay replied, still unable to look at her.

He turned toward the door, about to open it, when her whisper softly, "No, don't go." He rested his forehead against the door. Still clutching the glass, Hannah rose, making it halfway across the room, as far as she could bring herself to go. "Please don't go," she managed, a little bit louder.

"Ok."

"Clay, I…" her voice trailed off. He turned and sank to the floor. "Stay." Catching her eye, he nodded before resting his head on his knees. Returning to Jessica, she roused the sleeping girl and sat her up. "Jessica, here's water, drink." Jessica moaned but obeyed, drinking half the glass before collapsing back onto the bed.

"Turn her on her side," Clay muttered, watching the girls blankly. Hannah turned to him and he quickly looked back down at the floor. "In case she pukes," he continued by way of explanation. She nodded even though he couldn't see her and shifted Jessica, who protested briefly before falling back asleep.

Hannah moved to sit on the floor, back against the bed. The banging started then.

"Open the door you dickwad!" Justin screamed. "I'm going to kill you and that bitch slut." The blows of his fists shook the door against Clay's back. "Open the fucking door," he continued yelling, each repeat punctuated by banging.

Hannah looked up to find Clay staring at her. Even in the dim light she could see the intensity in his eyes. It was a mix of confusion and hurt and so many other emotions. She tilted her head back onto the bed to stare at the ceiling as she began to cry, big ugly tears running down her face but she made no move to wipe them away, sobs wracked her body.

She didn't know how long she cried. At some point Justin gave up on his assault on the door but Clay remained in his position guarding the room, watching her. When she ran out of tears she looked at him, looking at her, and nodded, lying down to curl up on the floor next to the bed.