It's said that death is what gives life meaning.

Sougo doesn't think it to be true. He lives how he pleases. He lives to protect what he believes to be true and people he deems worthy of his love or respect. To fight. To win. Life is what you build the way you want, and death just happens to be a side effect of it, if you will.

He fights, he kills, he wins, but gains more enemies and gets more blood on his hands than he ever imagined.

He comes face to face with death many times, looks it in the eye and says, 'I dare you.' He survives, learns to deal with his losses, the red that never seems to go away, the shadows that creep in the dark of the night and doesn't think of life or death.

Until he does, that is.

It's never the thought of his own death, but of those around him that scares him.

Sometimes, he dreams of it at night. He sees his friends, people who he isn't related by blood but somehow, became his family somewhere along the way, and red red so much red-

Some nights he wakes up panting, in cold sweat, his heart beating furiously and trying to hold hands that aren't there. Others he wakes up with a terrifying emptiness and cold acceptance.

He never falls asleep after those. He watches the shadows dance in his room, listens to the calm, eerie sounds of the night until the sun peeks over the horizon to slowly chase them away.

He gets up, puts his sleeping mask in his pocket before he leaves his room and hides his shaking hands with smoothness born from practice as he faces the day.

He doesn't exactly know what triggered it.

He always knew China was strong, ever since they first met. It's one of the reasons he finds her to be a worthy rival, after all, and with their little brawls it's easy to forget the blood she's fighting so, so hard against.

Now though, now it's so obvious, her deceptively small frame trying to contain a bloodthirsty creature that should never be let loose.

His hands clutch at the wound at his side and tries to keep track of Kagura despite the dizziness as she slays man after man with wide, unfocused eyes and a smile so big it looks like it splits her face in two. She moves like lightning and fights like the devil, a sight so grotesque, with blood dripping down her hands and corpses laying around her that would make a lesser man cower in fear.

Not him, though. Death is an old friend he's all too familiar with.

They're to hunt down a human trafficking ring led by space pirates, an Amanto group that has a bone to pick with the Harusame. They sneak in the ship with a handful of their best men and an immaculate plan, which all goes to hell because those three idiots decide to butt in as they are wont to do.

Apparently, they heard of the rivalry between the two pirate groups and couldn't stand by and wait in case the Harusame decide to drop in. They come in guns blazing at the worst possible moment. One minute, Sougo and Hijikata are about to make their attack on the captain of the ship, and the other, they're surrounded.

They're forced to split to make dealing with the Amanto easier, as their enemies' numbers are too great against their measly few. He doesn't know if it's the gravity of the situation that makes them shut up, but with a glance and a nod, he and Kagura make a path for themselves, trusting the others to take care of themselves and run. They move with a synchronization and harmony that comes with years of fighting and memorizing each other's moves, he thinks once more what a great team they would make if they could just stop fucking around.

Still, with both their strength combined, there are too many enemies and slowly but surely, they're getting pushed back. He sees Kagura getting struck in the back in his peripheral vision and before he knows, he's shouting, trying to turn and run to her side.

That momentary distraction is enough for the Amanto he was clashing with to thrust his sword forward and through his side.

He doesn't feel anything at first. Then he's falling on his knees, every breath jarring the sword stuck in his side, shooting agonizing pain through his body with every heartbeat.

He sees Kagura clearly then, still on the ground with blood flowing down from a gash from her shoulder blade to her hip. She looks at him with disbelieving, wide blue eyes, frozen in her spot and he wants to roar at her to get up, damn it, they're still fucking surrounded and she's laying there all vulnerable, but what comes out is a weak "China…", then he's coughing up blood and once it starts it doesn't stop. The back of his throat burns and the metallic taste of blood coats his mouth, every cough moving the god damn sword more.

Shit.

He falls on his unwounded side, the blood loss making him dizzy.

Then he hears her scream, and it all goes to shit.

She's so focused on killing whatever is in her sight, it looks like she doesn't even feel the wounds inflicted upon her by the strength that desperation grants to men who know they're at death's door and all is futile. She takes them like they're nothing, not even trying to dodge, and tears them apart with her bare hands.

He recalls how many times he has called her a 'monster' without knowing just how apt it was. Realizes just how much she held herself back with him.

And, much to his grief, sees just how much she resembles him in that moment.

He takes a shallow breath while pressing on the area around the sword. He knows he has to deal with the pain or risk losing too much blood. He hardly feels the pressure through the agony coursing through his veins anyways.

He pushes himself up with his other hand, and he just wants to lie back down and go to sleep, even the thought of standing on his feet tiring him immensely.

He has to, though, because he couldn't protect her and now she got her hands dirty because of him and he has to stop her before she goes any further.

Taking another look at her, he steels himself and removes the sheath of his sword from his belt. Pushing himself up slowly, he supports himself with the sheath as he steps forward. His knees buckle from the pain throbbing from his side, his vision clouds and he can feel the vertigo setting in.

"China!" he calls out. "God damn it China, snap out of it!"

He feels a fraction of hope as she turns to face him but it's instantly crushed when she tilts her head still wearing that crazy smile on her blood splattered face and looking at him with dilated, unfocused eyes.

The next moment she's choking him, holding him up by his throat, and with his already depleted blood supply he can feel fatigue setting in and knows his consciousness is about to fade any moment.

All those times he's faced his adversaries, turned back from the brink of death, and he's about to be done in by his rival, his tiny China girl, and mourns the things he wanted to tell her and didn't, and now, won't have the chance to.

"C-China," he says, his voice hoarse, "For-forgive me."

He wheezes, the lack of oxygen combined with his wound whisking away the last of his resistance and he feels himself getting pulled into darkness.

Her hand is shaking, her hold on his throat loosening and he can't see her face but faintly hear her take a deep, ragged breath. He hears her choke on a sob as he hits the ground, the paralyzing pain sobering him for a few moments and he gasps, the sound of a body falling on the ground making him open his eyes, to see Kagura lying on the ground next to him. Her wounds are taking their toll on her, he can see blood oozing out from numerous wounds. He looks into her now clear, but fading eyes, her face twisted into a horrified expression. She looks at the purpling bruise on his throat, reaches for his hand whispering "Sougo, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," over and over again, until her sobs fade away along with her consciousness.

For the second time in his life, he prays, begs, 'God, please don't, don't take her away."

He comes to with the distinct, annoying sound of a heart monitor. His throat is dry and his eyelids feel like they weigh tons. He feels like he's floating, and just takes blissfully painless breaths for a minute. He tries to remember how he came to be here but comes up blank.

He hears the door open, struggles to open his eyes, and after few moments he does, just a sliver. There's a nurse fiddling with an IV. She's an elderly woman, with a plump figure and kind eyes.

He lets out a groan, and the nurses eyes rise to meet his.

She immediately moves to press a button, then takes a glass of water from his bedside with a straw, bringing it to his mouth. The cold liquid soothes his throat and he can breathe a little easier.

"How do you feel, Okita-san?" she asks, taking the glass away once he's done drinking.

"Like shit. How long have I been out?" he asks with some difficulty.

"About three days now," she says while moving to check his wounds, "I'm surprised you woke up this soon, with a wound this severe. You gave you friends quite a fright."

He doesn't respond, watching while she cleans his wound and changes his bandages.

"Do you want me to call them in?" she asks.

"Yes, thank you." he says. A couple of minutes after she leaves, he can see Kondo and Hijikata talking with her in front of the door, then they enter.

"Sougo! Thank God! How do you feel?" Kondo asks. Sougo can see the worry etched to his face. He looks pale.

"I'm fine, Kondo-san. What happened?"

"Well, we couldn't reach you two and you didn't do the hourly check in, we knew something went wrong and sent reinforcements. Then we-"

"Yeah, okay. Where is she?"

"You mean the Yorozuya girl?" says Hijikata.

"No, I mean Otsuu. How many girls were on that damn ship, Hijikata-san?" says Sougo impatiently. "Tell me where she is."

"Don't get your panties in a twist, you brat." says Hijikata, the slightly worried expression giving way to an annoyed one. "We brought her here with you. She's in a room down the hallway."

Sougo tries to get up, his wound only hurting a fraction of what he felt before. They must have him on the good meds.

"What are you doing, Sougo!" Kondo gently tries to push him down with a hand on his shoulder. "You're still hurt, take it easy."

"Take me to her." Sougo says with a grave tone he rarely uses. Kondo knows he won't budge.

"Alright, alright. I'll ask the nurse for a wheelchair."

"I can walk, Kondo-san." Sougo says, swinging his legs down the side of the bed, pulls the IV out and gets on his feet, holding the table by his bed to stabilize. Hijikata takes his other arm. He takes a step forward, then another. He doesn't appreciate that walking tires him this much, but he soldiers on, until Hijikata is helping him down on a chair by Kagura's bedside.

"Want me to wait for you at the door?" asks Hijikata, but knows the answer will be negative. He can see it in the way the brat looks at the girl laying on the bed.

"No need, Hijikata-san." Sougo says absentmindedly, and Hijikata leaves with one last look at the pair.

Sougo looks at the girl laying on the bed. She's paler than usual, chest rising and falling slowly, the beeping of the heart monitor that annoyed him so much now a source of comfort.

Allowing himself to be vulnerable, just this once, he takes her warm hand in his, covering it completely.

The sight of her laying on the ground, covered in blood appears before his eyes, and he has to shake his head and take a breath to calm himself. Death, something he faces with bravery and resignation with only one exception, seems unacceptable once again, now it has gotten so close to touching his China.

He remembers his sister, how after her sickness arose she tried do everything she would regret not doing when the inevitable happened. Seeing Kagura on a bed so similar to hers is a weighty reminder that there's no guarantee for tomorrow. He reaches a resolution. He won't leave anything to chance and regret it later, this time.

He squeezes her small hand in his, relishing in the warmth of it and the subtle movements of her chest.

"I have so much to tell you, China. So you better wake up soon."

Notes:

I realized listening to folk songs makes me want to write fics lol

I'll probably write more fics, again with the damn folk songs.

This isn't betaed, so I apologize for any mistakes.