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Saeran tossed his phone onto his bed and pushed both hands into his bright hair. He stared up at the ceiling and took a deep breath trying to calm the jittery feeling that was growing in his chest. Glancing at the phone, he grabbed it up and checked his texts again. Maybe he'd forgotten to hit send.

No such luck. The message had been sent but hadn't been read yet.

He threw the phone back onto the bed (with a little more force than before). That was fine. It was fine. Not a big deal, right? Yoosung was still a student, after all. He had classes and tests and needed to study. Even outside of the RFA, he was busy. Saeran couldn't reasonably expect him to respond to every text, right?

Except...

He glanced over to his phone again but squeezed his eyes shut to keep himself from reaching over and snatching it up.

'This is ridiculous,' Saeran thought. Sure, they'd had a fight, but Yoosung wouldn't leave him over one stupid fight, right? Only…it hadn't been a fight. Not really.

He had too much energy. Everything under his skin was vibrating. It was going to come out. He was going to explode.

'Just breathe,' he reminded himself. Saeran sucked in breath after breath like it was the only thing keeping him from falling apart.

Everything was still too close. Why did his clothes have to rub against his skin like that? It just made the vibrating worse.

"Saeran," Yoosung spoke to him, voice calm and even. "Everything's okay. You're okay. You can handle this."

"I know," Saeran snapped. How often did this happen? Of course he knew that everything was okay, but that still didn't make it better. It was only more frustrating! Why did this happen when everything was fine? Why did he have to be like this?

"Try to focus on your breathing," Yoosung tried talking to him again, but it only set Saeran further on edge.

"I know!" He snapped again. Rounding on Yoosung, he shouted, "Why are you always like this? How are you so calm all the damn time? You have no idea what I'm going through! What the hell do you think you can do to help?"

Yoosung was quiet for a few seconds before he said, "You're right, I don't know how you feel right now. Maybe if you told me I could help?"

His breaths were coming faster now, each one burning in his chest. Saeran wasn't even thinking about his words and continued to shout, "What is wrong with you? Why are you so nice? Are you stupid? Do you like it? Why do you stay?"

Turning away, he didn't even look at Yoosung's reaction. Everything was falling apart. He was falling apart. Lifting his hands, Saeran gripped his head. He had to hold himself together any way he could. Frustrated tears burned his eyes. He didn't want Yoosung to see this. Not this ugly side of him. Why wouldn't he just leave?

"Saeran," Yoosung's voice was gentle and it pulled at the tight knot in Saeran's chest. But when a hand touched his arm, everything he was trying to keep together unraveled.

Lashing out, physically shoving Yoosung away from him, Saeran screamed, "Go away!"

Breathing still harsh, eyes wide and frantic, Saeran caught Yoosung's reaction this time. That moment was what brought him back to his senses, focus narrowing down to only the hurt look on Yoosung's face. All the excess energy suddenly flooded out of him, leaving him cold and exhausted.

The shock on Yoosung's face only lasted for a second before he was smiling again, forced as it was for his sake, and saying, "Sorry, I guess you just need some time to yourself. I'll head home for today. Feel better, Saeran! Take care of yourself, okay?"

Saeran wanted to say something, wanted to stop him from leaving, but he could barely stand, barely breathe. When Yoosung was gone, the door shut behind him, Saeran finally collapsed in on himself to cry and scream until he was spent and hoarse lying on the floor.

Saeran thought back to that awful moment after he pushed Yoosung away. The look that had been on his face had haunted his memory for three quiet, lonely days. But what hurt the worst was remembering how quickly Yoosung had tried to smile and brush it off. That tight smile, the redness that took over his cheeks and nose while he tried not to cry at Saeran's rejection, how tight his laugh was when he said he'd go home for the day.

Saeran pressed a hand over his heart. His chest hurt. It was tight and suffocating and made his eyes burn. He grit his teeth, refusing to cry, refusing to give into this feeling. It was just in his head. It wasn't real.

Yoosung had always been there for him. From all the way back when Saeyoung had first brought him home, Yoosung had slowly tried to be his friend. He didn't talk to him like he was fragile or damaged. He always came back, even when Saeran pushed him away. He told him he would be there for him if he ever needed someone to talk to.

But maybe he had pushed too hard this time. It hadn't just been harsh words or looks, it had been physical.

There was a voice in his head, 'He's never coming back.'

"Stop it," Saeran said to no one. He knew what this was. Sitting on the edge of his bed, he put his head in his hands and took a deep breath. "He's just busy. He needs time. He'll come back. I said I'm sorry."

'Did you really though? It was a text. Pretty pathetic.'

"Shut up," Saeran said through clenched teeth. "He promised. He knows. He knows how I am sometimes. I don't mean it. I don't. He promised he'd stay, that he'd be here."

'Yeah, but you never hit him before.'

"I didn't-!" Taking another deep breath, Saeran clenched his hands in his hair. "I didn't hit him. I didn't." Even as he said it, guilt twisted his gut and made the tears he'd been fighting back spill down his cheeks.

'You might as well have,' the little voice in his head told him. 'Who would want to stay around someone like that? Who knows what you might do next time you get upset with him?'

Sniffling, Saeran croaked, "But he promised…"

Well, this was it. He'd tried so hard not to have one of his episodes in front of Yoosung. He didn't want him to know about that part of him, the scary part that he lost control of every so often. But it was bound to happen eventually, right?

Lying on his bed, trying to get some of his energy back, Saeran kept his eyes closed. He waited, listening for the front door to open and shut, signalling Yoosung's departure from the house and from him. But instead the door to his room opened.

Saeran opened his eyes and watched Yoosung walk towards the bed to sit on the edge and place a cool cloth across his forehead. "How are you feeling now?" He asked. "Better than earlier?"

"Why'd you stay?" Saeran asked in return. He was genuinely confused. He couldn't understand why Yoosung would still be here after seeing what he's like during one of his meltdowns.

Yoosung didn't answer right away, taking a moment to think about it. "Well," he started, "I care about you. That looked like it was hard on you and I want to make sure you're okay."

"Why?" Saeran still didn't understand.

"I need a reason?" Yoosung laughed. He reached towards him, pulled his hand back for a second, but eventually decided to reach out and pet Saeran's hair in a calming gesture. "I just...do," he shrugged, cheeks a little pinker than before.

Saeran debated with himself before finally admitting, "This probably won't be the last time it happens." Yoosung continued to gently stroke his hair as he continued, "Things build up and all come out at once sometimes."

"That's okay," Yoosung reassured him with an understanding smile. "You've...well, you've been through a lot, right? It's okay if things get to be too much sometimes. I'll be here to help however you need."

Saeran had a hard time believing it, that someone would stay with him through moments like that not because they had to but because they wanted to. He wanted to ask 'why?' again but settled on "Really?"

Yoosung nodded. "I promise. It might be easier to share it with someone that deal with it on your own. I have other things I have to do, like school and my volunteer work, but you can always text me. I'll come over as soon as I can."

He was tired and could feel himself starting to doze off. "Yeah," he agreed as his eyes slipped shut. "Okay."

"Please," Saeran begged, still sitting on the bed and staring down at his feet. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."

'Too little too late,' his inner voice prodded. 'Can you really blame him?'

"No," Saeran whispered, throat clenching around the word. Honestly, he would've left himself a long time ago. It was crazy to expect someone else to put up with something he even hated about himself. "But I…" He was starting to crack under the weight of his guilt and anxiety. "I need him."

He felt horrible for saying it, for admitting that if Yoosung would come back, he'd be willing to selfishly accept his help and attention again. But it was the truth. He hadn't realized how much he'd come to rely on Yoosung as a grounding presence in his life until this incident.

Turning to reach behind him, he grabbed his phone again before turning back to rest his elbows on his knees and stare down at the screen. Still no new notifications.

"Please," he begged again, willing the phone to buzz in his hands. "Please come back so I can apologize properly. You promised. I need you and you promised. I'm so sorry."

He was crying again, grip tight on his phone, when it answered his prayers and buzzed in a few short bursts. It was so unexpected that it startled him into almost dropping the phone. When he recovered, he rubbed his sleeve across his eyes to help clear them and looked down at the screen.

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