-- Indigo Girls 'Ghost'

Six months after Meteor burned up against the power of Holy. After Sephiroth met his maker. After Barrett went home to Marlene, Cid to Shera, Yuffie to Lord Godo and her family at Wutai. After Vincent found his way, alone, back to the Shinra mansion, only to meet his Lucreia there, waiting. After Reeve, our 'Cait Sith', moved to Cosmo Canyon to study Planet Life, and Elena of the Turks back to her mother's house in Gongaga.

            Six months later, I am in bed with Tifa, naked limbs entwined, her soft sleep purring on the pillow beside me. Its almost ten o'clock, and I've been up since seven, struggling with these thoughts, this mutiny. And she sleeps, unaware.

            Now, as brilliant new sunlight creeps through the window of our rented house in Kalm Town, I kick away the covers and slide out of bed, careful not to stir her. Footsteps light on the creaky floorboards, I grope for clothing in the half-darkness of the room. Of course, this sneaking, this careful avoidance of creaking boards, reminds me of her.

            But then, everything reminds me of her.

            Dressed, I go out into our small kitchen to make something for breakfast. But my stomach is churning, and eating actually doesn't seem too appealing. So I put away the bread and jam, shut the fridge, walk to the window. I don't know what this stirring in me is – the aches happen in flashes, like my memories of Nibelhiem. Tifa, suspicious, will challenge me with her name, a brief recollection of something she did, and the waves of sorrow will rush in and drown me in secret. I can't flinch, but for Tifa's heartbreak. I do love Tifa.

            But not like I loved her. Not like Aeris.

            Last night, she was the one who brought her up. She made me dinner when I came home from work – volunteer business we've all been doing since 'The Incident', and the fall of ShinRa – trashing Mako reactors, recycling the scrap metal. It was beef stew and beer bread, Elixir Ale and angel food cake for desert. It was all going smoothly – I always take note of the particularly easy evenings, when things start to feel natural. Then she had to go and mention Aeris, as we were heading for bed.

            " I thought I'd never get to share the bed with you," she'd said, falling backwards onto our dark green sheets, " I used to cry, you know. Sometimes, at night. When you were . . . with her."

            She startled me with her honesty – I had always suspected she was jealous, but lonely sobbing?

            " I'm sorry," I said stiffly, " I never meant to hurt you."

            " I know," she'd insisted, pulling me down to her. It was difficult to go through the motions of making love, after that, after being forced to remember those first innocent nights with Aeris. Later, lying awake, I tried to place the Inn where we'd first spent the night in each other's arms.

            Was it the Chocobo Ranch? I remembered our night there, before crossing the Midgar Zolom's swamp on Chocobos.  We stayed in the guestroom of the Chocobo wrangler's small house. Aeri woke up that night, I remember hearing her leave the room. Following her. No, that wasn't it. She and Tifa had slept on opposite sides of the same bed, that night. Barrett and I had our own beds, while RedXIII curled up on the floor as always. I remember that night clearly – our first night out of Midgar.

            The night I fell in love with her.

            She'd gotten up late that night, just as I was beginning to fall asleep, ignoring the uneven bars of Barrett's snoring. But I shook myself awake and sat up in bed, followed her outside. It was dangerous out there, after all. And I was her bodyguard, promised to be paid handsomely.

            I found her standing in the field of tall grass just beyond the ranch. She was a strange one, looking up at the stars, alone outside in the middle of the night. She heard my footsteps and turned, smiled at me.

            " I've never been out of Midgar – not that I can remember," she told me, breathless, " I wanted to see the stars," she explained, looking up again, her big, green eyes glued to the heavens. " Something I've wanted for a long time," she mused. She took my hand, in a moment of unthinking happiness, " They're so beautiful," she said, squeezing it. I flushed red and warm, nodded. I'd seen stars. She was beautiful.

            " C'mon!" she then said, letting go of my hand and taking off for the rolling hills in the distance.

            " Where are you going?" I called. She just giggled, and ran to the top of a hill, turned and waved at me. Just like a little girl! Sometimes she would be so naïve, so childlike, and then would surprise me with her depth, her intelligence about things I couldn't grasp – the study of Planet Life, the Lifestream, the Cetra. Even now, the facts that she seemed to inherently know blur into a light green glow in my mind.

            Her playful spirit surprised me – that she could be so lighthearted, even then, with everything she had on her shoulders! She'd laid down on her back and rolled down the hill in a clumsy tumble, laughing. I'd met her at the bottom, I couldn't hide my grin.

            " What the hell?" I asked, shaking my head, " Its nearly two o'clock in the morning! We need to get some rest." She jumped up and grabbed my hand.

            " But I'm not tired!" she insisted, pulling me to the top of the hill. " C'mon, just try it with me, once. I used to do this in the garden when I was a little girl. My mother used to tell me I'd ruin my dress – but now I'm free!" She threw her arms up and spun in jubilant circles, " I've never been on my own before!"

            I caught her arm, " You're not completely on your own," I reminded her, trying to give her a seductive look. I was never very good at being suave – luckily, Aeris made it easy for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and then took off back down the hill, calling for me to follow her. I felt like a fool, but I realized my fate then. I'd follow that girl anywhere. To the ends of the earth.

            And I did.

            When she took off to the edges of the world to save the planet, I followed her. A lot of good that did. I feel the familiar jab in my chest – the masume cuts through me every time I remember.

            But it wasn't until we reached Costa Del Sol on the new continent that I'd told Tifa she could have her own bed. I remember the confused look on her face – she and Aeris were the girls, it made sense that they would share a bed while the men stretched out on couches or curled up in chairs to avoid sleeping even ten feet from each other. Not bothering to explain myself, I had slid into bed with my arms around Aeris's shoulders and let Tifa figure it out for herself. God, I should have been more careful with her feelings. I wonder if she cried that night – she must have, in her lonely double bed.

            Love had made me blind to her and everyone else. Aeris and I had fallen together so quickly – after our adventure in Wall Market, the night together at the Chocobo Ranch, and bonding during travel – we even shared a Chocobo while crossing the swamp – it was all leading up to that sunny day when we arrived in Costa Del Sol. She wanted to relax and have fun after the battle on the ship with Jenova, and I sure as hell needed it.  So while Barrett went off to do questionable things in a sailor's uniform, RedXIII played soccer with the local kids, and Tifa reminisced with some jerk she knew from Niebilhiem, Aeris and I spent the day together.

            Aside from a run-in with Hojo, the day was pure sunshine. I felt like I was on my  honeymoon – or the closest I'd get, anyway. Back then I was relatively sure that I would eventually die at Sephiroth's hands. I projected a front of extreme confidence – even cockiness - but in truth, I was afraid I was a failure, that Tifa and the others would have to go on fighting alone. I wanted to enjoy what time I had left. Aeris made me feel like a normal person. We fell asleep together on the beach, listening to the waves, instead of Barrett's usual nasal symphony. She put her hand on my arm – her skin was warm from the sun.

            " Cloud," she'd whispered, coaxing me out of my thin slumber, smiling when I opened my eyes, " Hey," she'd said, rubbing my cheek, " You're getting burned."

            " Mmm," I'd moaned, leaning my face into her hand, " I don't care." She'd laughed.

            " C'mon, we should go in," she'd said, sitting up. God, I remember her like she was there only a moment ago, her silhouette sitting tall against the glare of the sun, hands moving to adjust her ponytail. " I'll rub some lotion on your burns," she invited, winking. She knew how to get me motivated.

            The others were away for most of the night – Barrett at the bar, RedXIII on the beach, watching the waves and surely contemplating life, Tifa doing who knows what with Johnny. I never wanted them to come back. I was afraid that Aeris would find out how shallow I was, how soon I would abandon our quest to spend our planet's last days with her. I later found out that Tifa had the same fear, that I would discover her motivation was not truly to save the planet, but to save me, from myself.

            And she did. Didn't she? Or was it Aeris? Or was I saved?

            Either way, that was the night that sealed the deal, that promised Tifa a lonesome bed to cry in for the rest of our journeys until Yuffie came along. Aeris made good on her promise to sooth my burns, and I needed it – working in and around Midgar kept my skin a ghostly pale before then, and it was quite shell-shocked after a day of sun. But her touch – I swear, pain couldn't survive it. She had healing energy in her blood, her spirit. It was her healing energy, after all, that saved the planet.

            We'd stayed in and ordered nachos from the hotel's room service, ate them on the bed, she lying back against me, tucked between my legs while we watched the small black-and-white TV in the room, scoffing at the ShinRa commercials. I hadn't even kissed her yet, but when the others returned, it was a matter of not wanting to move, we felt such comfort with each other. We simply rolled over and pulled the covers up, and I fell asleep much easier with my face pressed against the soft place on her neck, where I could smell her hair and pull her closer when I had my nightmares.

            The rest was a whirlwind – our time together was so short, but we were so intense. At Gold Saucer we ditched the others, trying to hold onto the carefree feeling we allowed for each other. I assaulted her with kisses on the Gondola, held her arms steady on the Speed Coaster while she blasted virtual airplanes and flying saucers, and even conceded to play the most girly, boring game of all time: Mog's House, in the arcade. I loved her – it was kind of terrifying. She was my first 'girlfriend', my first love, hell, even my first kiss. Aeris, who had barely been out of the slums of Midgar, was more experienced than I, a traveling mercenary in a muscle shirt. It was embarrassing, but perfect. I was glad I waited for her. I would have wasted those things on anyone else.

            Walking to the window, I wonder if I should let myself remember what happened next. How she held me in her cocoon and then tossed me from it abruptly when she ran off . . . to summon Holy. And the aftermath. A cold pond, filtered sun light, a watery grave that I've visited more than once since our trials have ended. Once, in grief that neared madness, I nearly dove in and swam to the bottom, expecting to find her there, alive, waiting.

            I grip the wooden frame of the window and realize that I have no choice.

            I remember making love to her, for the first time, at Cosmo Canyon. I had no idea what I was doing, it just happened like magic. It was the night of our trip through the caverns, the night Red found out about his true heritage. We all felt drunk on do-gooder 'Planet Life' theory. Our spirits were raised, we felt like we could truly save the planet with the support of Budenhagen and his knowledge.

            Aeris, as a descendant of the Cetra, was especially moved. I remember taking her up to see Budenhagen's little astronomy show, how her eyes lit up, how she seemed so calmed and enlightened by his words. She always loved the stars.

            I'll never forget that look in her eyes when she pulled me away from the campfire that night. She was so happy – she finally knew who she was, and what she came from. I, on the other hand, had a long way to go in finding these things out about myself. But I didn't care about any of that – I only wanted her happiness; Aeris's smile made the sun rise, as far as I was concerned.

            She led me into one of the many dark little rooms that were carved into the canyon. It was empty, and she pulled the thin curtain that served as a doorway shut once we were inside. My heart rate increased. We got only a few moments alone during the day; it was always exciting to finally have her to myself.

            " Cloud," she'd said in a gush, pulling me to her, kissing me in a implicative kind of way, " I feel like I'm floating." Her eyes sparkled, and she snuck her hands under my shirt, running them over my chest like she was discovering it for the first time, " And you," she said, pressing her body against mine, shutting her eyes, " Feel like heaven."

            " Aeri," I'd said, trying to keep my head, " You haven't shared the 'peace pipe' with any of those elders, have you?" She laughed.

            " No," she said, rolling her eyes and leaning back against the canyon wall. " I just feel so alive here! I can speak with the planet, Cloud. You have no idea what that's like," she shut her eyes and ran her hand over the red rock of the canyon like she had my chest.

            " You're right," I said, stepping forward and putting my hands on her waist, " I don't."

            " Its like being thrown up into the sky with the stars," she mused, capturing my lips for a moment, " It feels . . . infinite."

            I started to kiss her again, but she pulled away, her eyes fiery.

            " Make love to me, Cloud," she said, fumbling with my belt while keeping her eyes on mine. " I want you inside me," she whispered, " I want you to know how this feels."

            I nearly finished just at hearing her say those things, but I managed to contain myself for a moment. Our first time together didn't last long, but it was almost better that way. It was a perfect burst of something spectacular, something infinite. I wasn't sure if I was feeling exactly what she felt that night, but it sure as hell felt good, either way.

               "Aeris's star and Cloud's star! They show a great future!"