This is a fan chapter to the amazing story 'Petting Zoo' by airandangels, posted with her permission.(Read it on Ao3)

Please note:this is merely my own little head cannon side-story for Petting Zoo and is in no way canon for the main story. Simply a fanfiction of a fanfiction. (How deep does the rabbit hole go? :O)

Holly unadorned

Holly awoke feeling a lot less rested than she had anticipated - even with the early bedtime she had imposed on herself the night before. She knew she had been slacking off at work lately – for pity's sake she had nearly been late yesterday. She really had to stop going out on week nights with the girls. It brought her quite a lot of satisfaction to think of them as her girls now. It was a strange sort of topsy-turvy relationship that had formed between them. They had made it quite clear to her that the imperfections of her body (that she vainly had tried to hide from them – but there are no angles to be taken advantage of in real life when you're surrounded by eager naked people) were endearing to them instead of off-putting. She was many years their senior and even that didn't seem to bother them – and that… was the other side of their relationship. There were things she had in abundance – money being the most obvious thing, but also life experience. Although she had led a pretty sheltered life up until now – maybe buttoned up was a better word to use – there were… practical things she knew and could do that the girls struggled with. They weren't unintelligent, especially Skinny, but the mere sight of paper work and they all behaved like it was the end of the world. She worked in advertising, and that meant she had to deal with a lot of complicated documents. It was dreadful how people thought they could just slip something by you in the fine print of a contract. She was enormously satisfied whenever she could spot a nasty little sub-clause reference that led nowhere or better yet… to something illegal.

How had the girls referred to it? 'You're a bottom in the bedroom but a top outside it'. A little quick googling had revealed to her that a bottom was a sexually submissive person. She was relieved she hadn't been called an ass.

The duality of Holly, she thought to herself as she sat up in bed. She went for a quick shower before making breakfast in her robe. She was terribly hungry and added an extra piece of toast to her plate, trying hard not to feel guilty about it. She felt a little… bloated and checked the calendar on her phone, then letting out a tired sigh. Of course. Regular as clockwork… That explained the pint of ice cream she hadn't been able to stop eating yesterday. And the chocolate éclair she had bought at lunch and scarfed down en route back to the office. Or why she had cried when she had watched TV and the commercial with the dogs needing new homes had come on. She hated being so… vulnerable… She knew it was hormones and it annoyed her no end that she couldn't just think them away. She had tried being on birth-control pills when she was in college, but she had gained so much weight. She had only taken them to get rid of the bloating and the messy head she got – she didn't need them for their actual purpose, never having had an interest in being intimate with men.

She went to get dressed and shunted her 'normal' sized clothes to the side and brought out the slightly larger sized skirts that she had bought to keep herself as comfortable as possible. Even her Spanx couldn't get her to fit into her usual clothes at this time and she wasn't even going to try. She envied the girls in that – in the clothes they allowed themselves to wear. Jeans… When was the last time she had worn actual jeans… Must be ten years ago at least. She did own a pants suit or two, but they were not for everyday wear. She had got so used to wearing skirts and dresses that wearing the suits felt somehow foreign now. And the way some of the girls wore their roomy, comfortable looking pants – half way down their lovely asses, showing off their underwear – more often than not it was nice underwear (and the gaudy way the top bit of elastic read CALVIN KLEIN and JOCKEY was so delightfully mischievous – wearing men's underwear like it was no big deal) but sometimes she felt a little embarrassed at the state of them. She knew they weren't exactly well off, but everyone should have decent underwear at the very least. Or maybe… Maybe they kept those ungodly pairs around for the time that was quickly approaching for herself? She opened her underwear drawer and shuffled the nice, lacy, pretty panties to one side to reveal the more comfy ones. She normally went in for pale blue or pink, but these were all black. And big. And didn't chafe anywhere. That was one thing her mother taught her. She had added to the idiom 'Always wear clean underwear – and wear black ones during your lady time'. She put a hand on her bloated belly and sighed. No one would be able to tell under the Spanx anyway. And then she remembered the girls were going to come over tonight. If she was lucky she wouldn't start until the morning but there seemed to be about a twenty four hour window for when it would begin. A tingling ache deep inside told her it was probably going to be this evening or earlier this time around. Should she call and cancel? Would they not want to come over if she was… out of service? It made her feel very insecure all of a sudden. All the women she had been with previously – not that there had been a lot of them – had not wanted to… engage in anything during their monthlies and Holly herself had felt too embarrassed to initiate anything for the duration of her own. She blushed when she remembered the time she had started in the middle of an intimate encounter with a woman she had met at a company party – she had been the personal assistant to someone important, but Holly couldn't remember who. She had only been using her hands at the time, thank god, but Holly had been mortified. She hadn't noticed what date it was – and had been a little tipsy or she wouldn't have accepted the invitation to 'go see where the copier was'. Holly had pulled up her panties and left the room in a hurry, then excused herself to her boss and had taken a cab home, dreading coming back to the office Monday morning. But the woman must have not told anyone about it – maybe she had been too embarrassed to. At least Holly hadn't been made fun of for it – which you could normally bet on if you did something stupid during one of the parties.

I should cancel… she thought wretchedly, cursing herself for feeling tears burning the corners of her eyes. She thought she'd better text them instead of calling. A mass text, yes. And then… just go on with her day. And come home. And sit alone in front of the TV and watch her Grey's Anatomy DVDs. Her normal routine suddenly seemed so pathetic. Before she had met her girls the thought of snuggling up with blankets, the hot water bottle and Christina Yang's acerbic sense of humor (or lack thereof) had been a great comfort. Something special for herself. Now it just felt like something a lonely person would do. She picked up her private phone and typed; 'I can't spend the evening with you. I'm sorry'. After a moment she added a sad emoji at the end. She had hoped they would want to be with her on Saturday and Sunday too, but that was out of the question now. At least she wasn't going to be at work for the first few days of her menses, which was a relief. There. A silver lining. She sent the text and got dressed. When she was halfway into her slightly larger set of Spanx her phone rang. She felt a guilty thrill along her spine, thinking it was Jay or Sharky calling to coax her into letting them come over, but when she picked up her phone she saw it was her boss.

She wouldn't call my private phone unless there was something wrong.

She answered quickly.

"Miss Irving, good morning" Holly said.

"Ah, yes, morning Berkovic. I need you at the office ASAP – how quickly can you get here?" Holly stopped trying to pull her Spanx into a more comfortable position.

"If I take a cab I could be there in twenty minutes, ma'am"

"Good. Do that"

"Yes, ma'am" the call ended and Holly let out a sigh. She wouldn't be able to see the girls on the train now… But maybe that was a good thing. She wriggled into the rest of her clothes, made a quick stop in the bathroom, then dashed out the door.

Work kept her busy past her normal quitting time and when she finally stepped out into the street the sky was dark. She was feeling a little sick and had only being able to feed herself vending machine food throughout the day – there had been a crisis with marketing that she'd had to handle and it was sorted out now – but she was run ragged from being Holly – large and in charge, and was in quite a bit of pain now. She had been sensible enough to put in a pad around one because Mother Nature had decided to ring the red bell around three and it had not stopped ringing. Luckily she had had some painkillers in her desk and that had taken the edge off the cramps but they were wearing off. Now the idea of blankets, hot water bottle and Grey's Anatomy routine seemed like a reward and she hailed a cab to make it happen quickly. She took out her private phone to order some Chinese food for delivery and saw she had… twenty eight new text messages and six missed calls. She skimmed through them with a twisting little ball of anxiety joining in the agony in her belly.

"WHY?"

"cum on Holls, wanna bend u otk & slap dat ass"

"Boo u bitch"

"R U mad us?"

"U promised"

"Y?"

All of them sounded so disappointed, which made the corners of her eyes sting with tears again.

Don't be mad at me. It's not my fault… she thought and felt wretched about being so full of self-pity. Should she just tell them what was going on? That felt like a bad idea. Maybe they'd think she was weak – maybe they'd think she was one of those women that swooned at the barest hint of pain and couldn't power through it to hang out with them? She paid the cab driver and stomped in through the door and got into the elevator, feeling angry at herself for being so silly and getting upset. She was just about to turn her phone off when the elevator doors opened and there they all were.

"What the hell, Holls?!" Peek demanded. "Can't just send a text like that and then not answer your shit all day!"

"Take it down a notch, Peek, jeez" Jay said, putting a hand on her shoulder.

"What… what are you all doing here?" Holly asked, feeling stunned.

"Thought you might be sick or something" Carnie said, kicking a decorative urn a little sulkily.

"Yeah, we got hella worried when you didn't show up this morning after the text, and then you weren't on the evening train either" Skinny added.

"So that means you just show up at my apartment?" Holly was feeling cornered and getting angry about that too, which was a lot easier to do. They were in the way of her pathetic evening and she just wanted to be in the moment a few minutes from now when she could finally press the heat to her body. The heat she was craving so fiercely now. She put her hand on her belly as the cramps ramped up seemingly in response to the tension in the hallway.

"Yeah" Sharky said. "When one of us sends a mysterious text – and using fucking emojis when they usually don't and then goes AWOL without explanation – we show up" she had spoken with such intensity Holly took a step away from her. That wasn't like Sharky… She felt the tears threaten to overtake her and she marched through the crowd and fumbled with her keys.

"Please leave" she said in a disgustingly shaking voice.

"Leave?" Carnie said, sounding hurt.

"Sharky – Jesus don't be such a dick"

"Come on Holls, we've been waiting an hour and a half!"

"I need to take a leak, been holding it"

"Yeah me too"

"And I brought ice cream… Probably ice cream soup by now…"

Holly managed to get the door open and thought a moment of just slamming it in their faces. But she should let them use the bathroom – they had a long way home and the subway restrooms were just awful.

"Fine, use the bathroom, then please go home…" she said tiredly.

Three of the girls dashed inside, then the others followed, ignoring her protests. Jay stopped in front of her.

"Holly, what's going on?" she inquired.

"Right now you're trespassing" Holly seethed, not meeting Jay's gaze.

"Um, OK…" Jay sounded hurt and Holly couldn't help but look up at her.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to snap I'm just…" she trailed off, shifting from one foot to the other. "Not fun to be around… right now…" Holly's uterus decided it was time to step it up another level and she winced, her hand rising automatically to rub at the aching place.

"Are you sick?"

"No" Holly looked away, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment as well as anger now.

Jay looked her up and down.

"Holly…" she said softly and sounded like she was doing her very best to suppress a laugh. "You on the rag? That what all this is about?"

Holly felt her face almost catch fire. On the rag – what a dreadful phrasing!

"Oh, sweet baby Jesus, I thought you'd been fired or someting – guys!" Jay called over her shoulder.

"Shush! Don't!" Holly hissed, not daring to meet Jay's gaze.

"Aw, Holls, come on – we're all ladies here"

"So?! Doesn't mean you shout about… that!"

"Kinda does. At least with us. Been feeling some cramps today too, but you know… PMS and all that" Jay sounded so relaxed about it all, like it wasn't terribly embarrassing and humiliating in a bad way. "Did you think… Aw, Holly-Dolly – did you think we wouldn't wanna hang because you've got Aunt Flo visiting? Come here you…" Jay held out her arms and pulled Holly into a soft embrace. "Had a hard day?"

"Y-yes…" Holly said, her voice muffled by Jay's jacket. Oh no, she's hugging me… I can't think straight…

"All crampy and bloaty and messy?"

"Yes" Stop talking, Holly Elisabeth Bercovic!

"And now you were gonna?"

"Watch Grey's Anatomy with a hot water bottle and blankets. And Chinese food…" She's going to say I'm being pathetic, I just know it.

"Which season?"

"What?" Holly felt confused. What had she just said?

"Which season of Grey's Anatomy"

"Uh… Two I think"

"Ah, that's like the best one – love it when they're interns"

"Y-you do?"

"Yeah! The whole gang together and before the Danny Doucette thing happens, obviously. Makes me so sad"

"Hey Holls, you're out of tampons now, just FYI" Carnie informed her as she stepped out of the master bathroom.

"Ah shit. Any pads in there? Think I'm… yup" Skinny said, looking a bit distressed.

"Sorry, girl! You shoudda said somethin'! Think I saw some pads, go check"

Skinny hurried inside.

"Aw, fuck…" Jay said, sagging against Holly a little. "You've got painkillers, right?"

"Uh… yes?"

"Where?"

"Master bathroom"

"OK, cool. We're gonna need to stay the night"

"What?" Holly felt a little insulted at Jay just deciding to stay. I want them to leave! Don't I?

"Skinny's got the worst cramps. Like crying and stuff. When it starts she can't do much"

"Oh dear… really?" that sort of knocked whatever was left of the anger aside and… it was helping her to stand with her belly against Jay's but she really just wanted to go lie down. That sounded absolutely awful.

"Yeah, it's super sad to be honest…. Are there pads in there?"

"Um… should be?" I wish I didn't blush like a fucking schoolgirl in front of Jay… This isn't fun blushing, just… the unpleasant kind.

"If there are, like how many? Because if Carnie and Skinny started, then… Shit, we're all gonna start. What the fuck? That's like a week early…" despite everything going on, Holly felt surprised.

"You all get… it at the same time?"

"Usually yeah… Oh man…" Jay stiffened up a little and began extracting herself from their hug. "We've been spending a lot of time with you, Holls... I think you might have hijacked our cycle"

"Hijacked?" that comment hurt, but she knew it wasn't supposed to. Curse these hormones. She didn't want to be seen blubbering or have them find out just how bad she was at eating things with chop sticks. Why was that so awkward?

"Lucky it's the weekend now" Jay mumbled.

"Huh?"

"Well, we're all in one place and not spread out all over the city, like last time. Feels weird if we're not together then. It's actually pretty cozy"

"Cozy?" that sounded so strange to Holly. How could being in the same place as eleven other menstruating women be anything but chaos, arguments and tears?

"Take it you don't have sisters" Jay sniggered.

"No, I'm an only child"

"Well... here's how we do it. Whoever has the least sucky time at present will go out and get the stuff we need. I sorta know the list by heart, since usually it's me doing it, but I'll need to add your stuff to it too now. So, what's your kit like?"

"Kit?"

"Yeah, your period kit. Like, what kind of pads and tampons you prefer, what kind of snacks and or drinks you need to survive it. Or make it more bearable" She's talking as if they really are going to stay here. Do I even have enough spaces for them to sleep? They won't all fit in my bed... An image of all of them together like that, sleeping next to each other appeared in Holly's mind. It made her chest fill with unfamiliar warmth. The idea made her feel safe...

"Holly? Where'd you go girl?"

"Huh? Sorry. Um. I don't... have a kit per se but I suppose..." she trailed off, feeling extremely weird saying this aloud to another person. "I suppose I always get the same things"

"What are they?"

"Um..."

"Hey, this is only embarrassing if you let it. It's a lot easier to be honest about it. If your cramps are super sucky everyone's gonna want to give you cuddles and stuff. Skinny sort of got us all checking on her constantly. Sometimes she just... passes out"

"From cramps?" Holly had never even heard of such a thing.

"Yeah, so you get that they're bad..."

"Has she been to a doctor? A gynecologist?" Maybe there's something terribly wrong with her. My Skinny…

"Yeah, they gave her some pretty dope painkillers but they are stupidly expensive without health insurance. She has the choice between eating the entire month or getting them. We try to help her out with spare cash and junk but, you gotta pay it all at once you know? And then her period's over and it doesn't seem so bad, and the money goes into other things because we need other things too and then it starts all over again and it's just… not always enough" Holly stared. She was so used to being able to get herself whatever she wanted – whenever she wanted it. But this was something Skinny needed and she just couldn't afford it. It made her feel sad and like the world was really unfair. Well, the world was unfair. But she could do something about it - this was a problem she could solve.

"Could you pick up the prescription for her?"

"Me? I'm strapped for cash as it is and I don't walk around with that much on me - I'm not an idiot"

"No I meant... Could you go to the pharmacy and get it for her? I'll pay" Jay stared at her.

"You would?"

"Yes of course"

"No, not yes of course!" Jay seemed almost angry. "It's like three hundred bucks!" Holly stopped herself from waving her hand dismissively. She had spent twelve hundred on the iTunes gift cards for them not too long ago. And that hadn't even made a dent in her bank account.

"I can afford it, please don't yell at me..." she said quietly, feeling a lot less safe with Jay now. Jay looked at her for a moment.

"Sorry" she said, looking ashamed. "Just... the last person who offered to do that wanted her to... work it off after"

"That doesn't seem too ba- "

"No I mean work it off..." The penny dropped for Holly and she felt terrified both at how someone could even suggest that to another person and at the fact that she had been put in the same category as a… pimp. "We gave that idiot a beat down he wouldn't soon forget. None of us ever have to walk the streets. We swore an oath and everything" Holly stared at the young woman in front of her. Did she mean that at some point that offer had been made to more than just Skinny? Maybe to… all of them? Holly bristled internally at the thought – to her girls!

"If that proposal is ever posed to one of you again I'll – "

"Whoa, mama bear" Jay sniggered. "We've made sure it's known around the block. No one dares mess with our squad" she smiled fondly at the look of hormone assisted fury on Holly's face. "But… I could totally see you kicking ass in a brawl. Those heels – oof"

"So, we stayin' or what?" Carnie asked, coming up to them holding the zip lock bag of Holly's special Sunday breakfast cereal – the sugar encrusted multicolored loops had left Carnie's lips smudgy with white powder. She was taking out handfuls at a time and chewing loudly. Holly felt a little violated.

"Did you ask Holly if it was OK to take those?" Jay asked Carnie with a sneer.

"Nah"

"Shit head"

"Oi – 's just cereal"

"My Sunday cereal…" Holly said in a tiny voice – oh god, she was about to start crying – over cereal of all things! Especially after hearing about Skinny's god-awful cramps and having herself being compared to a pimp! She felt mortified! Now they would all leave and she'd gotten used to the idea of them staying and it wasn't going to be cozy and warm and –

"Sorry Holls, I'll get ya a new box" Carnie said, looking a little taken aback and Holly realized she must be showing her internal thoughts somehow. She straightened her back stiffly, feeling her stomach protest and then wincing, making her feel more silly and stupid about the whole thing. And sick.

"Excuse me" she managed to force out before darting into the unoccupied guest bathroom. She raised the uncomfortably warm lid just in time and vomited up what felt like everything she'd managed to eat today, which honestly wasn't much.

"Aw shit" Carnie said from behind her. "Is she like Skinny?"

"Dunno" Jay said, sounding worried. "Don't think so" a few footsteps and then a hand was on Holly's back.

Oh for the love of god, can I just have some dignity left by the end of today?

"You OK there hun?" Jay asked softly.

"F-fine" Holly panted, her face glowing.

"This normally happen?"

"N-not… very often…" she sat up tentatively and dabbed at her mouth with some toilet paper, absurdly trying to maintain the integrity of her lipstick, then she just gave up and gave her lips a proper wipe down. She absolutely detested vomiting. It always made her feel feverish and shaky. And the aftertaste…

"I'll get you some ginger ale when I go out, how's that sound?" Jay stroked her thumb over the back of her neck.

"Please don't touch me there right now" Holly said in a strangled voice. "And yes please…"

"Oh sorry, habit" Jay began rubbing her shoulders instead. "That better?"

"Mmf" Holly grunted only realizing at this moment just how sore she was from being so stressed all day.

"Shit, no wonder you barfed – you're tense as a bow string. Where's Elle?"

"Got her hand down Peek's pants on the sofa" Carnie's voice came from behind her. Holly could hear rustling and munching. She was still eating cereal? How was that even possible? Holly had just thrown up in front of her? Wasn't she disgusted?

"Well, when she's done with that she should give Holly a proper back rub" Jay said over her shoulder. Holly felt her cheeks burn with a different heat now. She felt touched.

After a few minutes Holly felt steady enough to get up and Jay offered her arm to her gallantly.

"You might wanna eat something" she said.

"I need to brush my teeth" Holly mumbled. "And get out of these clothes… and have a shower"

"I can help you with that" Jay offered. "No hanky panky, promise. Unless you wanna, of course"

"I can manage" She didn't want Jay to see her like this. They had been naked together a few times now, but being naked while mother nature was punching you in the uterus was a completely different level of intimacy for Holly. She went into the bathroom and had a quick shower, standing as long as she dared in the soft warm spray and letting the heat do its magic while she waited for the painkillers to help. When she stepped out she found one solitary pad in the box and sighed as she put it on. Now someone really had to go out and get some more. When she exited the bathroom in her robe she was looking forward to filling her water bottle and snuggling down with it in front of the TV.

Maybe there were more people than Jay that liked Grey's Anatomy? Maybe it – her thought was interrupted by a cry of pain.

"What in the world" she said in alarm and hurried into the living room. Skinny was lying on her side on the sofa in the fetal position and all the other girls were gathered around her. Sharky was lying behind Skinny and stroking her back slowly. Holly could clearly hear, and then see, that Skinny was crying. Openly. Among all these people. She felt her cheeks flush. The others hadn't noticed her in the doorway yet and she decided on the spot that the hot water bottle she had been longing for all day would just have to rest against someone else's tummy tonight. She went to fill it, then marched into the living room and held the baby blue bottle wrapped in its cozy out.

"Here" she said, feeling suddenly very awkward at her quick approach. She didn't know what to say now. Sharky took it, looking at her strangely.

"Hey, flaca… Holly's brought you a heating pad. OK if I put it on your belly?" Skinny nodded feebly and then her breath hitched and she clutched at the warm package, curling her body around it with a relieved sort of moaning, tear-filled noise. "Sorry for biting your head off before" she said, sounding tired. "Get a bit of a short fuse when I'm about to ride the cotton pony"

"That's… I get it" Holly mumbled, sitting down and reaching out to pat Skinny on the knee awkwardly.

"Don't touch her unless she asks for it" Carnie said quickly, stepping out of the crowd. "When she's like this it's like her body becomes a big bruise or somethin'. Sharky's only rubbin' her back cuz Skinny asked her to"

"Oh" Holly retracted her hand, feeling oddly relieved. She really didn't know how to pat someone soothingly.

"Hey, baby… Were you for real about Skinny's meds earlier?" Jay asked her and most of the girls turned to look at Holly.

"Yes" she said and wanted to straighten her back, but remembered how much that had made things worse before.

"Seriously? Damn… I mean we know you're like filthy rich and junk but…" someone at the back said.

"Here's a problem I can fix…" Holly said quietly, hating that she had to put a hand over her belly when she was sitting down. Now there was that uncomfortable lump of fat that she had to lift out of the way to get to the part that was hurting.

"Alright, only if you're sure" Jay said, looking a little uncertain. Holly looked up at her.

"How… how could I not help her?" Holly said quietly. "It's really unfair that she can't get the medication she so… obviously needs" there was a chorus of 'Aw's around the couch and Jay put her arm around her shoulders.

"You're our sweet sugar-mama" Jay kissed her cheek and Holly hadn't realized just how much that meant to her at this moment – not the sugar-mama comment, but the kiss. Jay had been in the room with her when she vomited earlier. "Still waiting to hear what you need, Holly-Dolly"

"Oh, um… Could we go into the kitchen?" then she could stand up and get rid of the stomach lump. At least a little.

"Come on, Holls" Sharky smirked. "Not like we don't know what you're gonna be talking about"

"For fuck's sake, Sharky…" Jay sighed frustratedly. "She's uncomfortable about this biz. I remember a time when a certain someone couldn't say the word 'tampon' without going brick red"

"Point" Sharky said, pursing her lips.

Holly and Jay got up.

"Nice of you to give Skinny your hot water bottle, mama bear" Jay said and leaned against the counter effortlessly.

"She obviously needed it more than I do" Holly mumbled, stroking her soft belly, feeling the tension inside settle just a tad.

"Usually a lot of empty soda bottles around so everyone who needs one can make one, not a fancy one like the one you leant Skinny but it works just the same"

"Soda bottles?"

"Yeah, just fill em with hot water, wrap em in a t-shirt and boom – got a pretty good heating pad" Holly looked at her in surprise. That was a nifty idea and Holly suddenly felt guilty for never having soda in the house. "Sometimes you just gotta MacGyver it"

"Will you… could you… get some more?"

"Some more what?"

"Hot water bottles? While you're out…"

Jay looked at her with raised eyebrows. "Uh, sure"

"So everyone gets one?"

"Holls…" Jay walked over to her and put her arms around her. "You care about us or something?"

"Of course I care!" Holly snapped before realizing it was meant as a kind joke. "Sorry, I'm… sorry"

"'s alright, mama bear…" Jay soothed. "Now, tell me what you need and I can get going. Longer I stand here, longer's gonna take for Skinny to get her meds"

"Damn it, sorry I didn't even think" Holly looked away, feeling ashamed. Just get it over with. "Always Infinity Heavy Flow, Tampax Pearl Super Plus, ginger ale, Dark Chocolate Almond Häagen-Dazs ice cream and… those pickles with the blue label and a cocker spaniel on it, I can never remember the name" Jay looked down at her.

"Name brand stuff" she sighed, then let Holly go and turned to the others. "You know the drill, cough it up" Holly put a hand on Jay's shoulder.

"This is on me" she said quietly.

"You sure about that?" Jay eyed her cautiously.

"Yes" Holly nodded. She wanted her own water bottle. "Have you girls had dinner? I certainly have not…"

"Not yet, no. Someone's been tossing the idea of getting pizza delivered here, didn't know if you were cool with that"

Pizza… Holly thought dreamily. Yes.

"Oh… I'd like a pepperoni one"

Jay smiled broadly at her. "Tell Peek, she's got restaurant connections like you wouldn't believe. Always gets us stuffed crust for free. Pizza's on us though"

"But – "

"Hey, just cuz you can pay, doesn't mean you should always pay" Jay said with a quirked eyebrow. "I should get going – hey Carnie, you coming with? Gonna need some help carrying all the stuff"

"Comin' Jay"

The two of them left and that made Holly somehow feel alone and stranded in the kitchen. All the other girls were still in the living room, sitting around Skinny almost like a wake. There was the occasional sniffle and stifled grunt to be heard over the soft murmur of conversation. And that's when she realized why it seemed like a wake. The girls were being quiet. For Skinny. And now she was crying. In the kitchen. Alone. While they were out there… doing something, even if they were just… sitting. She tried telling herself she had just offered to fund Skinny's much needed medication and all their sanitary needs but that was just… throwing money at a problem. She didn't know how to do the other bit. The… comfort bit… She didn't have any kind of practice. The most her mother had ever said when she'd scraped her knee or similar was 'there, there' and sort of patted her back a bit. How did you touch someone in a nice way that didn't have any sexual meaning, that wasn't awkward and or businesslike? The girls all seemed to know what to do. They were all so good at hugging. And they could make a hug sexy – and they could make it safe and not sexual at all. And… just… comforting.

Standing in the kitchen made her feel like she was intruding on them somehow and moved silently to hide in her bedroom, closing the door behind her as quietly as she could.

She hesitated a moment before putting on her clothes. Normally she would just throw on a soft cup-less bra and her Brown University sweatshirt, then the soft and wide stretchy black skirt she'd found in a thrift shop and fallen in love with. But now that she had company… Did they expect her to be in her silky nightdress? She sighed and put on the baby blue one, hoping like hell she wouldn't leak during the night. She lay down on her bed and rolled to her side, her belly aching still. Not nearly as bad for her as it obviously was for Skinny – thank god. How long would it take Jay and Carnie to come back? How long until Holly herself would feel the helpful heat? She rubbed her belly, trying not to feel disgusted at how much of it slumped onto the bed when she was lying like this. She liked having a shape that wasn't a stick but… It didn't used to be so… overflowing… when she was younger. Pert had been an apt description. Firm. But now… lumpy seemed more accurate. Flabby.

Now that she was alone she could let the tears fall, whatever the reason for them were. She grabbed a tissue from her nightstand and held it in her hand and put her head on the least fancy pillow. She felt dreadfully alone. Even more so than she would have if she actually were alone in her apartment. She remembered the times they had lay around her, naked and sweaty and warm. And how good that had felt. What she wouldn't give right now for Jay to just walk through the door and… and spoon her… This wish, this somehow indecent want or need for someone to just touch her, set loose a torrent of tears and her shoulders began to shake.

After a few minutes there was a soft knock at her door.

"Holly, you in here?"

Holly tensed up suddenly and sniffed – making a horrible snorting pig-like sound.

"Hey… what's the matter?" Someone sat down on her bed by her feet. It was Elle. Holly hurriedly dried her eyes, then reached out for more tissues since the single one she had grabbed earlier was saturated already. "Cramps got you down?"

"I'm f-fine" she said in a wet and croaky voice.

"Aw, Holly…" Elle said in a way that made Holly think she didn't believe her for a second. Elle patted her calf. "Damn you've got calves of steel" she sounded impressed. "Must be all that dangerous pointy footwear. Don't understand how you can walk in them like that. Seen you running in em too. I'd break every bone in my body trying to do something like that"

"It's not as hard as it looks…" Holly sniffed.

"Hey, did you want a massage? Jay said your shoulders were tense like cray"

Holly mulled it over for a moment. A massage…

"Um…"

"'s OK to say no, kitten" Kitten? Another nickname?

"Yes I'd like a massage" Holly admitted, feeling her cheeks flush. It almost felt like a lie. She wanted someone to touch her. Maybe it was touching with a bonus?

"Alrighty then, could ya roll onto your belly?" Holly did so with a wince. "Mind if I use this cream?" Elle pointed to the tube on the night stand.

"Go ahead" Holly said indistinctly.

"OK, just gonna slide down these straps a little"

Elle's hands were warm and strong. And skilled. Holly had had quite a lot of massages, treating herself to spa weekends every so often. Maybe it was the fact that she knew Elle well enough to have spent more than an hour going down on her, maybe it was the day she had had, or maybe Elle just was the best damn masseuse in the whole world, because Holly melted under her touch. Soon she was so relaxed her eyes sagged closed.

Jay and Carnie were strolling along the feminine hygiene isle and picking up all the different items they needed.

"Hey, I know we normally go for the off brand shit but… Since Holly's getting the good stuff, maybe we could too?" Carnie suggested, weighing a pack of Always pads and a nondescript white package that just said; Sanitary napkins – normal.

"Are you serious? No!" Jay looked at her disappointedly.

"Hey, just askin' here, no need to look at me like I'm some sneaky rat"

"That was a ratty question, Carnie"

"Guess you've got a point" the short girl shrugged.

"Jeez… She's showing us a lot of trust here giving us a blank and already motherfucking signed check. Two checks. One for this and one for the pharmacy. If it were anyone but her I'd probably be half way to Vegas by now…"

"Who's thinking sneaky rat thoughts now, huh?"

"I said 'if it were anyone but her' – big diff. Let's hurry it up a bit, don't want to keep Skinny waiting longer'n she has to"

"Yeah. How 'bout… I finish this and you go get the meds, then come find me again? Probably not take you long at this hour and I've got the list on my phone"

"OK, good thinking. Just don't go to Vegas"

"Wasn't gonna ask you for one of the checks, shit head. You better not go to Vegas or I'll be stuck paying for this whole cart by myself"

"Fine, see you by the snacks" Jay walked off.

Carnie sighed and scratched her head, wishing she'd had asked Jay to get the stuff on the high shelves before leaving.

"Oi, you" she called at a boy in a red store t-shirt. He came over to her, looking around nervously as if he had never set foot in the scary lady biz aisle. "Couldya get those for me?" Carnie pointed to three different packages.

"Uh sure, miss" the boy squeaked, Carnie sniggered at way his voice moved up and down.

"Thanks kid" she said and bundled the things into the cart and pushed off to the snack isle.

After ten minutes she was about half way done locating all the different snacks, but for the life of her she couldn't find pink marshmallow fluff anywhere. She'd found white and brown and even blue but not pink. She texted Iggy to see if blue would do. She picked it up for now thinking she could just put it back if it was a no go.

"Hey" Jay greeted, coming down the aisle and carrying a brown paper bag. She looked a little sketchy.

"What's up? Did you knock over the pharmacy or something?"

"What? No, just feels weird paying with someone else's money. Or check or whatever. Felt all… like I was doing some kind of drug deal for someone else"

"Well… isn't that what it was?"

Jay thought a moment. "Guess it was, yeah"

"But a legal one"

"Yeah, maybe that's the diff…"

"Jay – don't tell me you've been hanging with Tori again…" Carnie frowned up at Jay.

"Don't tell the others…"

"Uugh, come ooon, Jay! You know she only uses you!"

"I know! I know… just can't resist her when she's all… you know… Tori…"

"Hey, think about the rest of us – she always gets you in trouble. You can't get a third strike"

"I know, Carnie… Wouldn't want to bring Holly into that mess either"

"See? Lots of reasons you shouldn't hang with that drugged up skank"

"Dude. Not cool"

"Ugh, why do you keep defending her?"

"She took –

"You in when no one else would, yes I know! But you've more than re-payed her like twice over for that now"

Jay let out a sigh and ran her fingers through her hair frustratedly. "I know you don't get it. But it feels like I still owe her"

"I know…"

"Fuck… let's just get to Holly's"

"Yeah, and let's leave Tori here in the snack aisle"

"Thanks…"

They went to pay for everything.

When Holly woke up again she was in her room. Alone. The apartment was quiet except for a slight murmur of conversation far off. Then there was a burst of laughter.

They're still here…

She snuck out into the hall – then got angry at herself. This was her apartment. You don't sneak around in your own apartment. When she got close to the living room she could hear a familiar piece of music.

That's… that's the theme to Grey's Anatomy. Are they watching it… without me? a cold and very lonely feeling appeared in the pit of her aching stomach and she was just about to turn her heel and go back to hide in her room when someone came out of the kitchen.

"Oh, good, you're up. Your pizza's cold but we could warm it up for you"

Holly turned around to see Skinny standing with the water bottle hugged to her belly with one arm, the other holding a large glass of fizzy orange soda. Holly didn't know how to feel. She felt enormously relieved Skinny was able to stand – she was barely recognizable from before. Sure her eyes were a bit red rimmed and puffy, but there she was nonetheless, standing. And looking relaxed inn her underwear and one of those hoodies that looked far too big on her. On the other hand Holly felt a more than a little... excluded.

"You… coming? Think we got to episode four or something"

"Huh?" Holly blinked at her.

"Of… Grey's Anatomy. Started from season one since some of the others haven't seen it before. I mean I like it already, but I think you've got all of us onto it now. Elle said you'd sleep for a bit after the massage, but we've saved you a seat and kept Carnie from eating your pizza so… you coming?"

Holly kept staring.

"Oh yeah" Skinny put the glass down on a little table next to the kitchen door. Without a coaster. Then she put her long arms around Holly in one of those nice soft hugs a person with so little meat on their bones shouldn't be physically able to produce, but… she managed it somehow. "Thank you for getting my meds, I can't tell you how much that meant to me…"

Holly's body seemed to react on instinct now and raised her arms to cover Skinny's back.

"M-my pleasure, s-sweetie" she said hoarsely.

"I'll find a way to pay you back, I swear" Skinny whispered, sounding as if she was about to cry.

"Don't be silly" this somehow made Skinny press in closer and now the hot water bottle was between their bellies and Holly finally felt the relief she'd been craving all day. "Oh dear…" she sighed, adjusting the thing a little.

"Oh man, and you gave me this too, didn't you?" Skinny asked. "Sorry, I get all… locked in my head when it gets to that level"

"It's perfectly fine, you obviously needed it more"

"Thanks… You want to get your spiffy new one?"

"Spiffy new one?"

"Yeah, Carnie picked out one with a blue cozy for you. Said it just screamed Holly"

"Oh… yes please"

The two women broke the embrace and went into the… chaotic kitchen. Don't have a fit, Holly told herself. They got her the new bottle and filled it with water from the kettle, then turned the oven on to heat her pizza. When Holly opened the fridge to get herself a carbonated water, she found it packed to capacity with food and drinks. Pride of place was a large pickle jar with a blue label that had a cocker spaniel on it. On top of it was a six pack of ginger ale, balanced a little precariously. She kept staring at it until the fridge began to beep at her. She took a cold can of ginger ale, then cracked it open and took a drink. The bubbles tickled her nose and she smiled to herself. Jay had got the things she had asked for… She knew she had asked her specifically to get them but… then she actually had gone and done it. She wiped her eyes before putting two large slices of cold pizza on a plate, being too hungry to wait for it all to warm up, then headed into the living room. The sight that met her there almost made her drop what she was carrying.

All of them were sitting, or lying, or sprawling on and around the big sofa. There were blankets and pillows they must have taken from the linen closet and the guest bedroom. Dotted around the pale blue fabric were patches of color – the hot water bottle cozies. Everyone had one placed against their belly or back and they were all so… snuggled up together. Most of them were in just their shirts and underwear, but Peek was sitting bare chested, having… the sides of her ribs(?) rubbed by Elle. They were looking so… cozy all wrapped up in each other like that – heads in laps, hands on bellies and bulges that must surely be butts, arms around shoulders… A soft little moan tickled Holly's ear and she saw Sharky's face flushed and her eyes half lidded – eyes still focused on the TV screen like the others – but Bee's hand was moving gently under the blanket in the region of her crotch.

Bee is touching her now? And the rest… don't mind…

It was baffling. And… and endearing. And she wanted to be part of it – not the fingering of Sharky necessarily (or did she want that too?), but the coziness.

And yet… she had an intensifying feeling this wasn't… wasn't for her. This was their thing. It was just by accident that it was happening in her apartment. She felt her eyes brim with tears again and she turned around.

"Hey, look who's up! Saved you a seat, front and center"

Holly froze at the sound of Jay's relaxed voice and closed her eyes, feeling herself trembling.

"That… that's OK, I'll go eat in the kitchen" she said, forcing her voice to remain steady.

"Aw what? We've been waiting like, forever" Carnie complained.

"Snuggle pile's one short, come on Holls"

"I call dibs on Holly's lap!"

"Nah, Kay already did before"

"What? Really? Boo…"

"Hey…" Jay was standing right behind her now. "You OK there baby?"

"This… this is your thing…" she whispered. "I'm just… just crashing your thing"

Holly knew she didn't make much sense, but she was just so… worn out by this day.

"What? No, come on. This is like… a collaboration. Sure we do the snuggling and the snacks and all that but we can never fucking settle on something to watch and you wanted to watch Grey's Anatomy so… And people are liking it, even Reek and you know how hard she is to please…"

"You seriously gonna go sit in the kitchen all by yourself?" someone asked from behind her.

"Did we do something to piss her off?" someone else asked in a low whisper.

"We want you with us" Jay said sincerely, so close to her back now that Holly could feel her breath on her neck. It made her draw in a ragged breath and her treacherous eyes began to leak. "Tee, take the plate and drink, she's gonna drop em"

The plate and can were gently taken out of Holly's shaking hands and Jay stepped round to her front. Holly didn't dare open her eyes.

"Holly…" Jay's voice was soft. "Why are you trying so hard to be alone?"

"What?" Holly opened her eyes out of shock.

"You said you couldn't hang tonight, you went to be in your room and now you're trying to leave again"

"I don't want to be alone" Holly protested feebly.

"Then why are you running, girl?" Jay smiled at her worriedly.

"I… I don't know how to be… like this. Like you. Warm and… cuddly"

"Pff… You give like, the best hugs" someone said.

"Yeah, they're so like… careful! Like you don't want to hurt us and like… it's so earnest and you know… touching and stuff"

"Plus Holly tits"

"Yeah, that's part of the softness of it but it's your general softness that's the really good bit"

"Yeah, the… like… maybe you're a bit of a slow starter, but then when the hug really gets going it's like being held by this sexy voluptuous angel cloud thing"

Holly blinked. And then Jay's strong arms were around her.

"Mmm… yeah, starts of slow, sorta careful, and a little bit unsure, but then when you realize I'm not trying to hurt you, you relax and then you hug back. You slide your hands up over the ribcage to rest on the shoulder blades and you press in while you're pulling me closer, taking my weight onto your shoulders, but you're not covering my arms with yours so I'm free to step back at any time and then there's – yeah, voluptuous angel cloud, good description, Kay. And all the while you're not putting any weight on me, but baby, I can take it. Give it a try. Trust me. I'm not gonna crumble or run away. Thaaat's it… Now put your head on my chest, like really put it there – there ya go…"

"This just feels like I'm leaning on you…" Holly said indistinctly.

"And I'm leaning on you" Jay murmured. "And I'm telling you… for real and for true, pardon the accidental rhyme, that we want you to join us. Come be part of our snuggle pile, baby…"

"Yeah, come on Holly-dolly…"

"Are you s-"

"Shush" Jay hugged her a little tighter as she interrupted Holly's question.

"Let me… just go change one thing…" Holly said and leaned back from the hug.

She returned a few minutes later, wearing her Brown sweatshirt and the soft black skirt.

"Oh, who's this?" Jay chuckled from over in the middle of the pile of girls. Wolf whistles, kissing sounds and general noises of approval came from them all at the sight of Holly's new outfit.

"This is Holly, unadorned" she hadn't even put on so much as eyeliner.

"Oh, mama likey" Sharky said, raising her hips and Bee sped up her caresses under the blanket.

"Give Holly-unadorned some room, you guys" Jay called and a little path appeared for Holly to make her way to the middle of the couch.

"Water bottle, blanket, pillow, drink aaand pizza" Carnie said, handing her one thing at a time. There was some shunting and repositioning and then they all settled down. Holly leaned her head on Jay's shoulder and Kay was sitting in front of her on the floor and resting her head on her crossed legs. On Holly's other side sat Peek who kept stroking the soft fabric of her skirt, playing with the little frills absentmindedly. A new episode started and as soon as Doctor Bailey appeared on screen there were catcalls and muted sort of woops on the lines of 'Get it girl' and 'Damn, just sit on my face already'. When Alex Karev appeared someone threw a fistful of popcorn at the screen. And then Holly was laughing – everyone looked at her, then joined in.

"I've never liked Karev" she said as she wiped her eyes. "I mean he does grow on you as the seasons go on, but in this one he's such a…"

"Dick?"

"Asshole?"

"Douchebag?"

"Cunt?"

"All of the above!"

More laughter ensued and as time wore on, Holly relaxed more and more. Eventually her eyes fell closed and a soft and pleased sigh passed from between her lips before she fell into slumber, her last conscious thought being;

Why didn't I just tell them from the beginning? Then we could have been on season two by now...