Hello readers!

This story starts in canon 1981. It starts to go AU in the third chapter (if you're really curious about when that happens I guess...). The Marauders and Lily are featured equally (with the exception of Peter, but he is still visited from time to time), but it does lean towards Remus-centric.

I appreciate any constructive feedback and reviews you have to offer. Enjoy!

-Cat

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

General Warnings: Violence, angst, and some swear-words. (I'll give more specific warnings if I feel a chapter should merit them)

Chapter 1

To Lie, To Fight, To Choose (Sirius)

It was nearly midnight and a fog was settling over the streets of London. Cars cut through the lanes, beams glaring drunkenly into the gloom. The drivers squinted in annoyance as the light only succeeded in making the clouds whiter. It was unnatural. Unsettling. Definitely not normal. With uneasy minds and oddly heavy hearts, they hurried home. The bars would only host the lost and despairing tonight.

In one particularly dismal joint, a young man was finishing his fourth drink and considering a fifth. Compared to the other customers, this man stood out. Firstly, he was not stone drunk, having carefully been monitoring his functionality. He was wearing a long black coat that could almost be mistaken for a cloak. He was handsome in a haughty, aloof kind of way. Black hair fell carelessly into his eyes, which were a perfect ocean blue. If it were not for the nearly permanent crease of worry between his eyebrows and the thin anger in his mouth, he would have been approachable. But there were no pretty girls in the bar to flirt with him tonight. Besides, the man had somewhere to be. With a growl and a glance at his watch (which had thirteen hands), he slammed the empty glass on the counter and motioned for his tab. He had barely consumed his usual amount of alcohol, but still visibly struggled to count money onto the counter. Finally, after sorting through a strange array of foreign looking coins and a few unfamiliar sweets, he managed to pay for his drinks and sweep out of the bar.

Once on the street, the man glanced cautiously up and down before disappearing into a dark passage between the bar and another building. It was nearing the middle of September, but a chill had crept into the night, killing the summer's warmth prematurely. He shivered and muttered, "Fucking dementors" as he stomped along the frosty pavement, skirting dumpsters and trash. Finally, he reached his destination: a blank wall. From the depths of his coat/cloak, he removed a thin stick and tapped out a complicated pattern. The bricks began to melt into one another until he stood before a peeling black door with a simple bronze knocker. The man knocked. The door creaked on its hinges and a crack appeared about three centimeters wide.

"Firs' time we met, what did you say?" a gruff voice demanded.

"What a dodgy-looking old codger," said the man with a faint smirk.

"And don't you forget, Black."

"Of course Moody."

The door sung open, revealing a grizzled man with straw-like hair. His face was pitted and scarred, but his eyes were the most lurid part of his appearance. One was black and piercing, and the other was larger, electric-blue, and rolling maddeningly in the socket. Black slipped inside quickly and the door slammed behind them. They walked down a dingy corridor to a low-ceilinged sitting room. The room was filled with shifting bodies and low conversations.

"Padfoot," a voice whispered. "Glad to see you haven't drunk yourself to death."

"Ah, Prongs, and leave you to fend for yourself and your lovely family?" Black grinned as he ruffled the already messy black hair of a young man wearing spectacles.

"I'd still have Moony and Wormy." The man smoothed his hair, but then almost immediately messed it up again.

"Right." Black's grin faded and his face grew tense.

"Sirius," said his friend, his grin also slipping away.

"James," said Sirius with stubborn insistence. "I don't like it either, but you have to admit-"

"Stop," James interrupted. "I don't want to have this discussion again." He frowned and looked across the room. Sirius followed his gaze and saw Peter sitting alone at the table, staring at the wood grain. He was thinner, his cheekbones disturbingly visible in the normally round face. Sirius felt a twinge of guilt. He should be checking in on their friend more often, but with the war, friendship was becoming...difficult. Sirius was constantly on the move, either during his day job as an auror or in the secret hours of the night working for the Order of the Phoenix. There were still moments of that joyful camaraderie, achingly brief and lacking the innocence of their days in Hogwarts. Sirius felt the loss of those days like a physical wound sometimes, thinking of when it was just the four of them against the world. Speaking of four…

He scanned the room full of strained faces again, searching, searching...but Remus' scarred countenance was not among them. The wound soured and Sirius scowled. He leaned over to whisper in James' ear, but at that moment, the fireplace roared green and a tall, elderly wizard entered the meeting-place. Albus Dumbledore had a grave expression on his silver and auburn-bearded face, one that would have been highly unusual in any other circumstance. But the war was wearing on everyone. Conversations sputtered and died while people took their seats.

Sirius and James sat next to Peter, who shifted his seat to give them more room. Other than that, he barely acknowledged them, choosing to resume his study of the weathered table. Now that everyone was gathered in a circle, Sirius could get a better idea of who had made it to the meeting. Next to Moody, Caradoc Dearborn, a senior Auror, sat erect, eyes flicking back and forth. Marlene McKinnon leaned against a wall in the corner, her arms crossed tightly. She was leaning slightly away from the hunched form of Mundungus Fletcher, who looked like he had not bathed in several days. Fabian and Gideon Prewett, their hair like twin flames, were strangely quiet in their seats. Ever mild-faced and stoic, Frank Longbottom was tense at the end of the table, no doubt anxious to return to his wife and son, like James. Emmeline Vance, Edgar Bones, and Dedalus Diggle formed a cluster in the back of the room. Elphias Doge was pale-faced without his usual companion. Sirius grimaced, realizing this was the first order meeting without Benjy Fenwick's comforting smile.

Besides the dead, the only missing members were some employees of Hogwarts (Hagrid and Minerva McGonagall) and Sturgis Podmore and Dorcas Meadows, who were on a mission. And Remus. Who was Merlin knows where. If it were not the first time this happened, Sirius would be worried. But this was now the fourth order meeting in a row that Remus had either shown up late or missed altogether. Hating himself slightly for his train of thought, Sirius tried to banish the word "traitor" from his mind.

"Welcome everyone," Dumbledore greeted them, interrupting Sirius's inner tumult. "I would like to thank Caradoc for graciously welcoming us into his home." Caradoc nodded stiffly. "We have several things to accomplish today, so let's start with any reports from recent missions or surveillance, ending with those stationed at the ministry."

Since no one seemed willing to speak first, Sirius started, clearly his throat loudly and glancing at Marlene. "Five days ago, Marlene and I went west to Reading to investigate reports of Death Eater activity in the area. Initially, it was assumed that the Death Eaters were planning another attack on the muggles. After speaking with some witnesses, we stayed in a muggle inn for two nights without seeing anything unusual. The third night, however, the block we were staying on was attacked by several dementors. After a couple of tries, we managed to repel them… It was close." He may have imagined Marlene's shudder in the corner. Too close. "Later, we saw two Death Eaters, one identified as Goyle. They disapparated as soon as they noticed us."

"The attack was on the same block, you say?" Moody questioned.

"Yes. We believe that...that they may have known we were there. Either saw us doing surveillance, or something...else."

"We must not jump to conclusions," Dumbledore said sternly. But everyone had the same echo of the announcement made several weeks ago in their ears. There was a traitor in the order.

"Edgar and I are on the fourth week of our surveillance of Knockturn Alley." Dedalus Diggle's squeaky voice broke the uncomfortable pause. "Besides a few appearances from Lucius Malfoy, no other Death Eaters were sighted. Malfoy went into the apothecary shop twice and made one visit to Borgin and Burkes. We did not question the store owners so as not to arouse suspicion."

"Did you happen to see what Malfoy bought at the apothecary?" asked Dearborn.

"No," Diggle replied apologetically. A ripple of frustration coursed through the room's occupants.

The Prewetts spoke next about a raid in Bracknell, then Frank reported on the progress of Podmore and Meadows in their absence. Sirius felt himself growing more and more exasperated with each report. They were getting nowhere while Voldemort was constantly gaining ground. James began bouncing his knee up and down in a furious rhythm, and Sirius knew he felt the same. Probably even worse, as worry for Lily and Harry consumed him. Damn that prophecy…

"...as well as tightening restrictions for giants, vampires, and werewolves."

Sirius looked up. On either side of him, James and Peter copied the motion. It was Dearborn talking now, about affairs of the ministry.

"Werewolves are now required to submit to random summons to the ministry up to twelve times a year to be questioned about their movements during the preceding weeks. There is heavy debate on whether to reclassify from being to beast being thrown around in the Department of Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures."

"That is completely ridiculous," James sputtered, unable to keep quiet.

"Yes, James, it is," Dumbledore agreed. He fixed the three friends with a penetrating stare. "Please allow Mr. Dearborn to finish his report."

Dearborn cleared his throat and continued. "While these new laws are supported by a majority of the ministry, there are some, myself included, that believe that this will isolate this particular community even further. Perhaps even making them more...dangerous."

There was some furtive murmuring among the order members, during which a soft tapping pattern could be heard down the hallway. Edgar Bones disappeared to let the new arrival in.

"It is most unfortunate," Dumbledore began carefully. The accusing susurrations stopped abruptly. "That werewolves are being oppressed to this level because of something they cannot control. It would be unfair of us to join the ministry in this kind of judgment." There was a pause while Dumbledore allowed his words to sink in. A few of the order members looked apologetic, while others gazed at the Headmaster defiantly. Sirius realized that just a few months ago, this would have made him incensed. He felt nauseous. Maybe he'd had more alcohol than he thought.

At that moment, Bones reappeared with (ironically) a very weary-looking, pale, and graying Remus Lupin. No, the nausea was definitely some unholy combination of guilt, betrayal, anger, and overwhelming sadness. The atmosphere in the dimly lit room turned distinctly awkward. Ever intuitive, a faint blush tinted Remus's cheekbones and he quietly slipped along the wall to an unoccupied space. After conjuring a chair and sitting, he closed his eyes and rested his head against the stone. Sirius tried not to think about how the werewolf looked more dead than threatening.

"Please, Caradoc, continue with your report," Dumbledore instructed lightly.

"Yes, thank you Albus. Lucius Malfoy seems to be trying to get the Wizengamot in his back pocket. He has been spotted with several members, offering gifts or fancy dinners. Minister Bagnold continues her efforts to keep Death Eaters out of the Ministry, but refuses to investigate suspicious activity. No signs of the Imperius Curse. However, it is hard to detect and we will continue watching in the meantime."

"Thank you, Caradoc." Dumbledore clapped his hands together and Sirius flashed briefly to the many beginning-of-the-year feasts at Hogwarts. "There are some new assignments for the next week, which you can get from Alastor. One assignment for everyone is to continue searching for new recruits, but do so with great discretion. The next meeting will take place in one week's time, midnight, in the McKinnon Residence. To close, I would like to leave you with a few words." Here Dumbledore folded his hands deliberately on the table. "Voldemort works through division. Draw nearer to each other and learn to trust. When fear drives us apart, then the dark wins. I wish you all a good night."

The Order members began to stir from their places. Remus immediately began making his way towards Sirius, James, and Peter. As Sirius moved to stand, James grasped his arm hard enough to hurt. "Be civil, Padfoot," he hissed. Sirius gave a jerky nod and rolled his eyes, but James had already moved on to Remus.

"Moony, you look terrible," James muttered.

"Thanks," Remus replied with a half-smile. "Not looking too hot, yourself, Prongs. How are Lily and Harry?"

"You wound me. And they are both beautifully perfect, thank you. Tired of being cooped up behind protective spells. And missing you."

Remus ignored the last comment. He turned to Sirius and Peter and gave them a reserved, "Padfoot, Wormtail." Up close, Remus was obviously not in a good place. With a start, Sirius realized he had not seen him since he had moved out of their shared flat two weeks ago. His eyes were bruised with exhaustion and his clothes appeared to hang from his shoulders. They were dirtier and more ragged than ever before. Where was he living now? And there was something else, something new…

"Moony, your face," Sirius said sharply.

"What's wrong with it?"

"You have a new scar. I don't remember that one."

Remus's hand came up to brush a puckered line that followed his jawline. He grimaced. "Yes, it's new."

"It's from the August moon," Sirius accused.

"You should have let us join you, Moony," Peter said in an undertone. His watery eyes were worried. "The September moon isn't far…"

"I'm fine," Remus intoned softly. "And I couldn't. Mission for Dumbledore."

"Right." Remus recoiled at Sirius' tone and James glared at him, but Sirius did not care. Damn Remus and his secrets. There was an awkward silence.

"I'm telling the truth," Remus whispered fiercely, but he kept his gaze on the floor.

"You've lied to us before," Sirius retorted.

Remus's eyes snapped to Sirius', ablaze with indignation and hurt. "Fuck you, Black," he said hoarsely. "You don't get to judge me based on the past unless you want the same treatment.

"Stop it, both of you," James commanded. He stepped between them. Peter was watching, wide-eyed. Sirius was shocked. The mild-mannered werewolf never swore. "You heard Dumbledore, now is the time when we need to trust each other more than ever. Sirius, lay off Remus. Remus, we know you'll tell us about it eventually and we can wait."

Remus shook his head and pushed past James. "Gotta report to Dumbledore," he muttered. James waited until he was across the room, then punched Sirius in the arm, hard.

"Ow!" Sirius yelped.

"That's for being an ass."

"Whatever."

"I cannot believe you, Sirius Black. I cannot believe you! The nerve to accuse-he's your friend, Padfoot-what in the name of Merlin's-Argh!"

Sirius winced. It had been almost twenty hours since the Order meeting and Sirius had made the mistake of airing his concern in front of the hot-tempered wife of his best mate. James smirked at him from where he sat at the kitchen table. Peter stood against the counter looking supremely uncomfortable. Sirius re-focused on his current attacker, who was viciously preparing a plate of cheerios, black-haired one-year-old on her hip. Harry cooed and clapped as his mother continued her rant.

"Never again do I want to hear you speak those words in my house, or I swear to God, Black, I will never welcome you back. You lived with the man for almost nine years, defended him against every prejudice, went through countless dangers together and now you've decided he's the informant?! Because Voldemort offers better to people with his condition?! That's rich coming from you, O Heir of the Noble and Moste Anciente House of Black!"

"Lily-"

"Do not interrupt me, James, or you're next! I cannot believe you! Remus would never-" Sparks flew out of the wand clutched in one of the hands holding Harry. Lily stopped her frantic movements abruptly. Inhaling deeply through her nose, she situated Harry in the high-chair. Then, with newly regained calm, she levitated a sippy cup of milk within arm's reach and grabbed it, setting it before her son.

"This discussion is finished," she said icily. "Remus is on a mission for Dumbledore. He would never sell us to the other side. End of story."

Several possible responses to this jumped into Sirius' head. "He keeps disappearing and turning down invitations. He has incentive to turn against the ministry and join Voldemort. He does not even want us around for the full moon anymore. Where does he go? Why does he refuse to tell?" But Sirius shoved these down. He had already said them to James, who had firmly warned him against using them with Lily. Instead, he huffed and grabbed the plate of cheerios from the counter. Tipping them at two's and three's into Harry's reach, he waited for someone to speak.

"My mother is going on a long holiday to southern France in a week," Peter finally said. "She says it will be safer there with everything going on."

"Probably," James agreed.

"Makes one wish…" Peter's small voice faded. He studied his fingernails, which were raw from being constantly chewed and bitten.

"Wish what?" The question came out harsher than Sirius had intended and Peter flinched.

"I don't know. Wish it could be that easy, you know? To just…"

"Run away?"

"Yeah." Peter shuffled his feet, looking ashamed. And terribly frightened. Sirius could not bring himself to berate him. Neither could James, apparently, because he remained silent and tired-looking in his seat. It was starting to rain. Sirius could hear the drops tapping against the windows and on the roof. The glow of the lamps seemed less warm than before. Harry squawked, "Eeros Pafu!" and Sirius hurriedly provided him with more cheerios.

A soft knock at the door made all four adults jump. James snorted and went out into the hallway leading to the front door. They heard him slide open the peephole.

"Who is it?"

"Moony." The response was muffled by the wood, but audible. Sirius tensed. Lily shot him a warning glance.

"What happened seventh year when Sirius and I were caught by Filch when planting dung bombs in the fourth floor corridor?"

"He took you to his office, had you empty your pockets, and confiscated everything, including the Marauder's Map."

The door opened, squeaking slightly, then the footsteps of Remus and James returned through the hallway. Remus looked better than the previous night. The dark circles around his eyes had lightened enough to make him look more living than corpse-like. He had washed and his gray-streaked hair regained a dulled sheen, despite being dampened by the rain. But any sympathy Sirius may have had for Remus' obvious exhaustion was eclipsed by resentment. Remus' eyes were cast down and his hands were deep in his pockets. His mouth was drawn into a thin line. These were typical signs that their friend (ex-friend?) was preparing to evade the truth.

Lily was the first to greet him. She bumped Sirius pointedly as she crossed the kitchen and pulled Remus into an embrace, murmuring, "It's good to see you."

"Likewise," he replied. He removed a hand from the depths of its concealing pocket to pat her on the back. Peter moved from the wall, his gaze darting uncertainly at Sirius.

"You're thin as a rail, Lupin," Lily scolded. "Please eat something. I have leftover chicken and potatoes from dinner."

Remus accepted graciously, which showed how hungry he really was. As Lily hurried to the refrigerator (a cooling box that muggles use), Remus gave Sirius and Peter perfunctory greetings, which they returned equally half-heartedly.

"Moom," Harry burbled from his high-chair.

"Hello Harry," Remus replied. His smiled reached his eyes for the first time since Sirius had seen him the previous night.

"Where did you stay last night?" James asked as an attempt at normal conversation.

"I found a place." James was smart enough not to push.

"Did your talk with Dumbledore go well?"

"Yes."

"Did he tell you about…"

"Yes. Your letter summed it up nicely, but he explained some of the details. I'm sorry James. And Lily." Remus' tone was genuine. "You and the Longbottoms shouldn't have to shoulder this. He said you're using strong wards and protective charms for now?"

"There's no evidence that Voldemort has come to the same conclusion we have yet. Dumbledore assures us, however, that his spy among the death eaters will inform him if the situation gets...critical." James had had plenty of time to process the prophecy implicating his son, but he was still nervous and jumpy when it was brought up.

"Here you go, Remus," Lily announced, having finished the warming spell on the food. She was not anxious to discuss any danger to Harry.

"Thank you, Lily."

They sat at the table and started a light conversation about quidditch and the first Weasley girl born in three generations while Remus ate. Sirius did his best to join in, as Peter remained uneasily taciturn in his seat. It would be stupidly suspicious if only the Potters spoke. Besides, Sirius suspected that if it was too quiet, the kitchen walls would blurt out the conversation held prior to Remus' arrival.

Eventually, it was time for Harry to go to bed and Lily gently lifted his sleepy form from the high-chair. The stairs creaked as she climbed to the second floor, murmuring softly. The Marauders were left in the kitchen, staring at one another.

"Listen," Remus began. "I know you think-"

"We don't think that," James denied immediately, glaring at Sirius.

"Please don't lie," Remus said.

"Why not?" Sirius snapped. "You seem to have no qualms."

"I can't tell you what I've been doing for Dumbledore, Sirius," Remus said tiredly. It was a refrain Sirius was starting find comical in its flimsiness.

"You don't trust us?"

"I do." Remus' voice was almost a growl. "But I have to do this myself. You've done enough for me as it is."

"Clearly we haven't, or you wouldn't be shunning us."

"Stop!" Remus barked. He sucked in a calming breath. It was raining even harder outside. "I came tonight because I'm leaving tomorrow, early. This mission will be long. Months maybe. You can't contact me. Any letters you send will have to go to Dumbledore. He said he'd find a way. I'm sorry, I-I'm sorry. I swear, I'm doing this for the Order-"

"You're leaving?" Peter whispered, effectively stopping Remus' nervous babble.

"Yes." He almost looked as shocked as the other three Marauders. For once, Sirius could not think of anything to say.

James was wide-eyed. "But...but what about us? And Harry? You're the best at defensive spells…"

"I promise you James. If I did not think that this would aid in the downfall of Voldemort, I would not go."

"We'll miss you Remus." Lily had returned and she was standing in the doorway. Her emerald green eyes were bright. "We know you always do what's best." She went up to Remus and embraced him again, brushing James' shoulder as she went. This time, Remus brought both arms around her.

"I'll be back," he said with a half-grin after they stepped apart.

"Course you will." James stepped forward pounded him on the back.

"Take care, Pete. Watch out for these guys."

"Yeah…"

And then Sirius found himself caught in the guarded copper gaze of the werewolf. He still had not said a word. Remus opened his mouth, closed it, and swallowed. Then, he simply muttered, "Good-bye Padfoot," turned, and disappeared down the dark hallway. They heard the door open, the cascade of rain increased in volume.

"Bye Moony," Sirius mouthed without a sound. There was a click, and Remus Lupin was gone.

It was suddenly too real. The war was dissolving them slowly. It had dragged on for far too long and now they were worlds away from what they had been in school. Heavy muteness fell on the remaining Marauders. It was Lily's calm alto that broke through Sirius' dour thoughts.

"It would be easy, to run away, Peter," Lily murmured. A flash of confusion, then Sirius remembered what they were talking about before Remus' arrival. "But when we can do something about this war, would it be right?"

Sirius could not discern if Remus had run away, or was choosing what was right.