"Will you be ok watching over the city by yourself Archer?"

"Rin please. Fuyuki remained in excellent condition while you were in London, I believe it would be just fine if you left for a weekend trip."

"Oh, Archer," Shirou said, turning to take one last look back, "Remember to feed Saber at least four times a day. She has an afternoon snack around 3 or 4 o' clock every day and sometimes she looks for food around 10, AM and PM. If she does-"

"You forget who you are talking to. She will eat just fine."

"But just in case I left some money for sticky rice and a few recipes in the kitche-"

"Senpai," Sakura reminded him gently, "We're going to be late if we keep dawdling."

"I'll leave it up to you then Archer." Rin said, grabbing one of Shirou's arms and pulling him away from the house, "Don't blow up Fuyuki while we're gone!"

Don't blow up Fuyuki while we're gone.

The words rolled around in Archer's head, as he watched yet another mushroom cloud form over the shopping district. It had seemed so easy then. He whipped out his phone and read the text from Shirou again.

"We're on our way home! Have dinner ready for us ok?"

His doom approaching, Archer dialed the only person who could help him out of this particular disaster.

Bazett lifted her cup of tea to hide her blush.

"You still haven't answered me Bazett," Lancer cooed, "A cup of coffee this Friday? I hear the staff at Ahnenerbe are excellent."

Bazett drank her tea deeply. It burned, oh god did it burn her throat. Still, better to sear her flesh with liquid fire than to lose her dignity and throw herself at the smug man in a gaudy beach shirt.

Lancer's phone beeped. She was saved!

"Yo Archer! What's… whazzat? Saber and Rider? Catfight? Hey don't keep it to yourself, I wanna watch!"

Bazett bristled in her seat.

"What?" Lancer went on, "Break it up? Why do we want to do that?"

Just then, the ground shook beneath them, throwing them both into the floor. Bazett's tea cup smashed into little jagged pieces. Oh well, at least she had finished her tea.

A mere stone's throw (by a human's standards anyway), from them, lay the collapsed figure of Rider half buried in the smashed up concrete. A blue and silver missile soon flew in and began assaulting her and screaming, punctuating every word with another punch to the face.

"Keep! Your! Hands! Off! My! Things! You! Bitch!" Saber shrieked.

Bazett and Lancer blinked in amazement. They had seen Saber angry of course, downright furious even, but for the dignified king to use foul language? Not even in her dreaded alter form had they seen anything like that.

Saber continued to pound away at Rider, before Rider's hand shot up and caught her fist. Saber struggled to resume her offensive, but though she was no weakling, Rider was terrifyingly strong. Saber soon found herself lifted up by the arms and repeatedly slammed into the concrete as well, creating a crater as wide as the one she put Rider in.

Satisfied with how acquainted she had made Saber's face with the ground, Rider swung her overhead like a toy and tossed her into the horizon. She stopped to massage her shoulder blades and her neck, before leaping after the puny king.

What in the...

"Lancer!" Archer cried, materializing next to him, "Did they pass by here?"

Lancer turned to look at Archer, not even bothering to lift his jaw.

"...I'll take that as a yes then."

"Archer what the bloody hell did you do."

Archer scoffed.

"I had nothing to do with this. As the guardian of this city however, I have a responsibility to put an end to this before all of Fuyuki becomes aware of magic or supernatural powers."

"HAHAHA!" Lancer barked, "Finally, some real action! I'll take on the golden haired lass, you bring down the taller one."

"No Lancer, we cannot hope to solve this ourselves. We will require the aid of Caster."

"That witch? But why? You and me, come on! We can handle this!"

"Caster is one of the most powerful mages on Earth. She could help us contain the damage, and wipe the memories of any witnesses."

Lancer narrowed his eyes. He hated asking for help, especially from the witch.

"Oh alright then. But you're the one asking her. I'll go ahead and try to contain the situation as much as I can."

"Agreed. Good luck, Lancer."

Lancer gathered strength in his legs for just a moment, before springing after Rider and Saber, turning invisible near the apex of his jump.

"Right then." Archer said to nobody in particular, and dematerialized.

Bazett stared into the now-empty space. What just happened?

Hello?

Anybody?

"Ok!" she yelled, "I guess I'm walking home! All by myself! Thanks for leaving me behind Lancer!"

Nobody replied.

"Jerk."

"No."

"I foresaw this. But Caster..."

"No. Whatever you and your family of idiots do to the city is none of my concern."

Archer grit his teeth. Caster was proving more difficult to convince than he anticipated, and here he thought she would have jumped at the chance to capture and tie down Saber. It was time to try a different tactic.

"Caster, if the Magus Association gets word that us Servants are still around long after the end of the Grail War, they might deem us as threats to be eliminated. Or worse, specimens to be studied."

"So? Let those fools try. None can match my skill in the Art."

"Caster, they are likely to target our masters in order to avoid direct confrontation with us."

"I won't let Soichirou-sama out of my sight then."

"And if they attack the school while he's teaching?"

Caster narrowed her eyes.

"...Fine."

With a snap of her fingers and a gusting wind, Archer found himself on top of the tallest building in Fuyuki. Far, far down below, he spied Lancer dashing through the streets, using his incredible speed to alter all the traffic signs, directing everyone away from the battle. Cars were deadlocked and drivers were bamboozled as the road rules changed right in front of their eyes, blissfully unaware of the carnage raging just out of sight. So amusing was the sight that he barely noticed Caster materialize next to him.

"So what's the plan Archer?"

A text alert.

Archer eyed his phone nervously, the text from Shirou said they would be home in about three hours. They were running out of time.

"We repair or hide the collateral damage they're causing, wipe the memories of any witnesses, and disable either one or both before they end up killing someone."

"Barely a plan, but I shall comply." She cupped her mouth with a hand. "Lancer!"

The blur improvising the worst traffic scheme in the history of mankind appeared in front of them.

"Yo."

"Lancer," Caster said, producing a small, glowing orb with a stick handle from her sleeves and handing it over to him, "Use this to wipe the memories of any witnesses. It will make them unable to remember anything from the last 24 hours."

Lancer stared at the strange object. Archer's eyes widened.

"Uh, Caster, how do I use this?"

"I would have thought even a numbskull like you would find it obvious. You smack them in the head with it obviously!"

"A-alright then." he said, and sprinted down the skyscraper and back into the streets.

Archer coughed.

"What is it Archer?"

"Caster I couldn't help but notice that object looked just a little bit like a baby rattle."

"Oh? I thought it looked more like you shutting the fuck up."

"Caster you do know we Servants are just spirits, and thus can't bear any children right?"

"I thought I made it clear this wasn't going to become a topic of conversation?"

Archer couldn't help but grin.

"I'm just saying Caster. As someone whose magic is based entirely around the art of projection even I think that's a little bit too-"

Before he knew it, Archer was falling off the building, helplessly flailing as his newly cursed sense of balance refused to right him properly. He landed face first into the ground.

That was gonna hurt in the morning.

Whack.

Whack.

Whack.

Lancer moved swiftly from prey to prey, clobbering the memories (and often, consciousness) out of anyone who happened to see the two monstrous whirlwinds pass by.

Whack.

Whack.

Whack.

"Hello? Yes I'd like to report an incidence of-" WHACK.

There, that should take care of the business district. Why oh why did they have to start fighting on the skyscrapers? He was not Rider, he couldn't keep up this kind of breakneck speed all day. His own cellphone rang.

"Yo. I think I've just knocked out four buildings worth of salarymen."

"Lancer! They're headed towards the community theater!"

Lancer blinked. Fuyuki had a community theater?

"There's currently a show going on right now! We'll have hundreds of witnesses if we don't do something!"

"On my way!" he replied, closing his phone. Another mad dash across the city awaited him. Huh. He was exerting quite a lot of mana today. He wondered how Caren was holding up.

On the stone steps leading to the church's door, Caren collapsed on her face and refused to budge. Gilgamesh poked her head twice, before leaping up in joy.

"Woohoo! Freeeedooooooom!"

Lancer made his way to where Archer and Caster were sitting. The actors on stage were dressed like high schoolers.

"Hey guys, what show is this supposed to be?"

"The Tragic, Untold Story of Yumizuka Satsuki." Archer answered, "More importantly, what's happening out there?"

"I bought us some time. They're currently duking it out in some abandoned construction yard."

Archer turned to him in surprise.

"Lancer how could you? They'll end up destroying the building!"

"Oh it doesn't matter." Lancer said, jerking a thumb to the man seated next to him, "Mr. Moneybags here bought it."

Archer peered over at the man next to Lancer. A smug grin, a lavish jacket, golden hair.

"Oh no."

"Oh yes." Gilgamesh said, "When this mongrel over here begged me to assist him with the capture of the exquisitely beautiful Saber, even I had trouble believing it."

"What the fuck?" Archer mouthed to Lancer.

Lancer shrugged.

"Nevertheless," Gil continued, "I can't have any of you mongrels accidentally putting a scratch on my bride-to-be, so I have agreed to aid you with this matter. I will be taking her home with me afterwards of course, she's going to adore what I have planned for our honeymoon!"

"No you won't." Archer said flatly.

"Yes I will." Gil shot back, "I don't remember giving you permission to address me directly, faker."

"Shut up you two." Caster said, snapping her fingers. Duct tape materialized from thin air and wrapped itself around Gil's mouth.

"Mmph mmph mmph!" he protested.

"It's almost time." She said, "Now Archer!"

Closing his eyes, Archer concentrated on his memories of Rider's glasses. Forming them, molding them in his imagination, not forgetting to include the properties that made them special. Particularly, their property of being Mystic Eye Killers. Urk. This didn't come as naturally to him as swords did.

Opening his eyes, he now had a hopefully perfect copy of Rider's glasses in his hands.

It's done." He said, handing the glasses over to Caster.

Muttering in what was probably ancient greek, Caster applied spell upon spell unto the projected glasses. They floated lightly over her hands, and then vanished.

"Now what?" Lancer asked.

"Mmph, mmph?"

"Now," Caster said, "You check under your seats."

Lancer, Archer and Gilgamesh reached under their seats to retrieve a perfect replica of the projected glasses. They put them on hurriedly.

Caster whispered another spell, this time directed at her throat. Her voice boomed around the theater, not from her, but seemingly from the ceiling.

"Please put on your 3D glasses for the rest of the show. They can be found underneath your seat. Thank you!"

There was a great rustling noise as the audience bent over to put on their glasses. Like true professionals, the actors and actresses onstage continued the show without a hitch, despite the brief look of confusion on their faces.

Something bothered Archer. It's like they were missing something. Wait a minute.

"Caster, the actors aren't protected…"

"Gilgamesh?" she asked, "Can you provide us with any assistance?"

"Hmph!"

"O most benevolent and generous king, I humbly beseech you for your aid." she said, rolling her eyes.

Onstage, the actors and actresses were swallowed up one by one by flying golden portals. The audience clapped and cheered, impressed by the amazing special effects. Archer clicked his tongue. They would need to remember to mindwipe them later.

One actor, dressed in a blue school uniform and thick black glasses, continued giving his lines; unaware he was alone on stage.

"The sky is high. Underneath that sky where there is no sadness, I receive the warmth of the one I love the most. From the field is the gentle smell of WAAAAAUUUUGHH-"

The actor was quickly swallowed up too.

Just in time, as Saber and Rider came crashing in through the ceiling and unto the stage, each one grappling the other. Thrashing wildly at the smaller girl, Rider hit Saber square in the chest with a powerful kick, sending her across the stage.

With a good 10 feet between the two, it was time for some hurtful words.

"What is a freakishly tall, fat, ugly thing like you doing living with me anyway?" Saber yelled, "Go back to the awful Matou's where you belong!"

And with that, she crossed the distance between them in an instant, nailing Rider with a powerful uppercut that sent her soaring over the audience.

"Ooooooooooooooooohhh."

But that would not be enough. Skillfully whipping out her chain and latching on to the ceiling, Rider swung back onto the stage for round 2.

"I am allowed to live in that house because I actually work. I help put food on the table and clean the house while you watch tv and stuff yourself silly like the parasitic freeloader you are! Shirou should kick you to the street where you belong!"

And with a twist of her chain, she snagged Saber's foot and whipped her around, flinging her over the audience.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh."

Saber landed next to them, right on the lap of the blonde-haired man. As if on cue, the duct tape popped off his mouth, revealing the flashiest smile Archer had ever seen.

"Saber! I knew you'd come crawling back to me. Come, let us make haste back to the church for our wed-"

"Shut it you!" she yelled, rabbit-punching him in the nose and kicking off his chest to leapt back on to the stage, sending his protective glasses flying away. Gil rubbed his nose as blood leaked from it, eyes widened with shock.

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy!" went the audience.

Though he should have been utterly broken by such a brutal rejection, Gilgamesh roared with laughter.

"I love it when she plays hard to get!" he boomed, his voice all muffled as he was still pinching his nose.

"Capture her Enkidu!"

The chains of heaven shot out from multiple golden portals, twisting, swerving, trying to snag the elusive King of Knights before-

"Yes! More chains!" Rider crowed in triumph, snatching the Chains of Heaven out of the air and brandishing them as her own weapons.

"What are you doing with those? Unhand my treasure at once!" Gil screeched.

It was the audience's turn to roar with laughter. They had no idea what was happening to the play, but then again, nobody had been paying any attention before all this.

"Hey didn't you hear me you ruffian? Get back here!"

Gil appeared in the stage by way of the Gate of Babylon, and joined in on their brawl. He hurled innumerable wine vases, bronze cups and even toy hammers rather than his usual weaponry for fear of accidentally slicing up his own precious chains.

"Relinquish Enkidu to me woman, or face the wrath of the king!"

Rider wasted no time.

Gil wasn't wearing his glasses.

"Breaker Gorgon!" she cried, taking off her blindfold and blasting Gilgamesh with her Mystic Eyes of Petrification. Gil instantly toppled over backward, almost completely petrified and still pinching his nose, though the Gate of Babylon continued to spew projectiles in every direction.

Rider looked around wildly. Not even Saber could resist her eyes for long.

Hiding her face with her gauntlets, Saber skillfully evaded Rider's Cybele gaze, grabbing the various knickknacks flying past and hurling them toward Rider. One vase found its target, smacking Rider's gaze towards the enraptured audience.

Archer felt his body stiffen, and his toes go numb. Even with this many targets and the makeshift protective eyewear, her powerful eyes were threatening to petrify them.

Fortunately, Rider turned back immediately, desperate to capture Saber. Archer breathed a sigh of relief.

All at once, the stunned crowd began to whisper.

"It felt like my heart was gonna stop!"

"What amazing presence! I couldn't move!"

"Where are all those props coming from?"

Caster sighed in her chair. It didn't matter if it was Ancient Greece or Modern day Japan, people were so easily pleased.

Another text from Shirou.

One hour.

Could this idiot wait just a little bit longer to see Saber?

Archer turned to Lancer.

"Alright, we have to end this as fast as possible. Come Lancer, while the two are still distracted by Gilgamesh's diversion."

"Sorry buddy but I won't be much help. I'm all out of mana."

"...What! Here? Now?"

"Buuuuut", Lancer teased, bringing out his phone, "I'm not out of battery~"

"Lancer don't you dare-"

"Too late!"

A deep, guttural roar echoed throughout the theater, as the 8 feet tall Berserker crashed through the wall and onto the stage, hailed by a storm of fine wine and hammers that went "squeak" as they pummeled him. The gargantuan monster picked up the still-petrified Gilgamesh and retreated from the stage, setting him down nearby. The audience gasped collectively, if some people weren't paying attention then, they certainly were now.

Unfazed by Gilgamesh's unlikely ally, Rider and Saber continued to trade blows, although Saber's inability to see meant Rider had finally gained an upper hand in their battle.

Berserker's mad mind slowly contemplated what the instructions had been. What was it again? Help stop the fighting? The only way he knew to stop a fight was to win the fight.

Help stop the fighting.

Stop the fighting.

Fighting.

Fight.

Fight.

Fight!

With a roar and a powerful stomp, Berserker charged head long into the melee. He was not prepared however for Rider's Mystic Eyes, and even he found his charge slowing down as his feet were petrified.

Spotting her opportunity, Rider seized Berserker's feet and bound them with the Chains of Heaven, aiming to use his 700 pounds of muscle mass as a weight to bludgeon Saber to death.

Archer's hands slid up to his face. Things kept going from bad to worse.

"Why don't I just summon Assassin then?" Caster remarked, "Let us bring every servant underneath the same roof."

As she said this, the handsome face of Sasaki Kojiro peeked in from the gaping hole Berserker made in the wall.

"A little bird told me there was a contest of wills between two flowers in bloom! I have come to observe and assist where I may."

Archer turned towards Caster, but she looked just as surprised as he did.

Lancer shrugged. "What? Did you think the big brute owned a cellphone?"

Caster sputtered. "But-but-but it should be impossible for Assassin to leave the temple!"

"According to his own words, he just can't leave the gate, so I told him to ask Berserker to carry it with him and leave it outside the theater."

Archer groaned. How many people possibly saw a giant hulk of a man crossing the city carrying part of a building and a samurai? Actually, you know what? He gave up. Fuck it. Fine. That sounded reasonable. But they were still nowhere close to-

"You will be unhanding my friend at once" Assassin said coolly, slicing the chains that bound Berserker with Monohoshizao.

If Gil could scream, he probably would have. It was a good thing for everyone then, that his petrification included his mouth.

Archer took his words back. Things weren't going from bad to worse, they were going from dumb to dumber.

"I have had enough!" Saber screamed, tears streaming from her eyes with rage, "I'll finish you Rider! There'll be nothing left of you to mourn!"

Archer, Lancer, and Caster gave each other an uneasy look. No way. There was no way she would…

But she was. The golden sword shone brilliantly, beyond anything else the now wrecked stage had seen yet. The air itself crackled with power, as a mighty wind gust forth and threatened to blow everything away. The stupefied audience held their breath. Here it was! The grand finale!

Archer sighed. Here was his opportunity to end the whole thing once and for all, painful though it may be. He turned towards his two companions.

"Lancer, Caster, I'll leave the safety of the audience to you."

Caster blinked. "Archer what are you talking abou-"

Her voice died in her throat as she spotted the same holy sword in Archer's hands.

"You bastard…" Lancer whispered, half-amazed, half-scared to death. "No way."

"Yes. Way. Use as many protective runes as you have on you Lancer. Caster, steal mana from the audience if you need to, I have no idea how powerful this is going to be."

"Archer you idiot!" Caster hissed, before quickly muttering as many spells as she could. A bounded field. A shield. A magical conductor to absorb the excess power…

Onstage, Saber lifted the sword of promised victory over her head, and proclaimed the name that never failed to obliterate all in its path.

"EEEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX-"

But she never expected to see Archer land on the stage opposite her, the same sword in hand, the same name on his lips.

"CAAALLIBUUUUURRRRRRRRRRR!" he screamed.

The two holy swords blazed at their contact, engulfing everything in an infinite sea of white light.

"Almost home!" read Shirou's latest text, "Sorry it took us all day, traffic was terrible for some reason."

"Alright Lancer," Archer said, turning around to take a good look at everyone. "Status report."

The living room of the Emiya house was filled to the brim with servants in various degrees of injury. Lancer, his arm in a sling, rattled off.

"Right. Well my right arm's broken. Caster needs a crutch to walk for a few weeks, Berserker's still regenerating from his snapped neck, Assassin needs an eyepatch for a while, Goldie's still petrified, and Rider's missing some ribs."

"And what about Saber?"

"Apart from a few broken toes and a dislocated knee I fixed up, she's fine. So we tied her up with what remained of Enkidu."

Saber struggled against the Chains of Heaven, before glaring at Archer once more.

"What about you Archer?" Lancer asked, "You alright?"

"I am unharmed. It's just a fractured arm and leg. And skull. I will heal within a day. How was the audience Caster?"

"Not one injury among them, give or take a few missing eyebrows. I had assembled a perfect defensive field after all." she said, wincing as pain shot from her leg. "Almost perfect anyway."

"Witnesses?"

"All properly wiped." Caster said.

"Collateral damage?"

"Repaired with Caster's magic on our way back here." Lancer added.

Perfect.

The door rang. They were home.

"Lancer, can you?" I mean…" Archer motioned to his injured leg.

"Right. Coming!"

Half a minute later, Rin, and Sakura, followed behind by Shirou and Lancer, walked into the living room.

"Hey! We're ho-What the… what's all this Archer?" Rin demanded.

"It's a surprise party." Archer answered dryly. "Surprise."

"Surprise!" the Servants (save Berserker, who only grunted,) greeted weakly.

"Why… Why are you all so badly injured?" Sakura asked, her voice filled with concern, "Was there some sort of fight?"

"It's a costume party." Archer replied, "The theme is emergency room."

"Hey!" Shirou called out cheerfully, "At least this means I'm in costume!" he moved forward in an odd gait, revealing his left leg in a cast.

"Shirou!" Saber cried, springing to life. She struggled shortly with her binding chains, before breaking them into a thousand pieces and hobbling as fast as she could towards her master and past a horrified, still-petrified, Gilgamesh.

"What happened to you? Who did this? Name them so I may claim their heads!"

"Saber! It's good to see you."

"Shirou…"

"It's alright Saber," Rin said, "Shirou injured himself rescuing a stray kitten from a car and throwing all his weight on one leg. He'll be fine."

"Oh."

Meanwhile, Sakura had knelt down beside Rider, whose hands held on to her side.

"Rider, tell me the truth. What happened?"

"Yeah we have a right to know!" Lancer called out.

"Shush!" Everyone yelled. Saber glared hard at Rider. Rider stared back, then smiled.

"I was looking around the house for new books to read when I happened across a curious book lying around in the kitchen. It turned out to be a journal detailing the taste and textures of several food items. After searching the front for a name, I found that the owner of this journal was Saber."

"Saber," Shirou said kindly, "I didn't know you kept a food diary!"

Saber's face turned a deeper red than Archer's jacket.

"Oh but that's not all Shirou," Rider continued, breaking into a smile, "I found something much better in the journal…"

"Cease this at once Rider!" Saber cried, but her pleas fell on deaf ears. Were it anyone else, Rider would not have gone this far. But Saber? Saber was special.

"I discovered that every few pages, she had written down love poetry of her own making, dedicating them to some of her favorite food!"

The room erupted into laughter, as Saber tried her best to melt into the floor. Though as amused as everyone else, Archer could not help but feel sorry for her. He was about to offer some encouragement when-

"Did you really write poetry Saber? I would love to read it some time."

"Sh-Shirou! I-I would not recommend it. It is poor in quality and not worth your time when you have so many responsibilities to attend to!"

"Well to be honest I'm not too sure what makes good or bad poetry" Shirou said apologetically, scratching his head, "But if you made it then I'm sure I'll love it."

He gave her his biggest smile.

Saber's face flushed.

"Then… Would you like me to read you some now Shirou? We could go to the dojo."

"Sure. Maybe it would even help me work up an appetite before dinner."

Then she put his arm over her, though she was barely able to walk herself, and master and servant hobbled off together out of the room of speechless Servants and towards the dojo.

Rin and Sakura turned back to look at them all.

"That was it?" Rin asked incredulous, "How did you end up breaking bones over that?"

"Ehhhhh…" the room went.

"Well, so long as you didn't cause any trouble in public, I guess there's no harm done!" Rin said, "Sakura, please turn on the TV."

Archer's supernatural senses sounded the alarm.

"Sakura wait!"

"TROUBLE IN THE THEATER!" the news report on TV blared, "It seems like the 'Tragic Untold Story of Yumizuka Satsuki' would remain untold as the audience at the Fuyuki community theater were surprised by a seemingly impromptu performance from its actors, filled with special effects and excessive pyrotechnics that almost literally brought the house down. Here's video footage of the incident captured on a cellphone."

Though the camera shook and the image was blurry, the unmistakable silhouette of Berserker bursting through a wall could be clearly seen amidst the flying golden lights that danced around the stage.

"Interviews with the actors have revealed no information, as they all claim to have been unable to remember anything in the last 24 hours. It looks like we have a few prankers in town who seem to be very talented in VFX!"

The TV shut off, Archer having finally pulled the remote away from Sakura.

"Oh… Would you look at that! It seems like Bazett needs my help with uh, something. See ya later!" Lancer said, blurring out of the room and into the street.

"Let us go Sakura." Rider quietly urged, and they too, fled.

Stone silence.

"Archer, what was that?" Rin asked in a quiet, deadly tone.

"Giving back to the community." He answered, as the remaining Servants picked themselves up, and followed hurriedly after Lancer.