I'm sorry to take so long to finish this story. Several other projects have consumed my attention for the past month and I hope to be able to share them with you very soon! In the meantime, here is the final installment in our silly little tale!

Three weeks after the trial the double weddings between Charles Bingley and Jane Bennet and Elizabeth Bennet and Fitzwilliam Darcy took place. At the wedding breakfast, with no one but family nearby, Darcy addressed his new father-in-law.

"Now that we are related and you do not have to fear me turning you in to the authorities, I wonder if you would relieve my curiosity on a question which as has preoccupied me for some time. Why did you kill your cousin last autumn?"

"Ho ho, Mr. Darcy!" exclaimed Mr. Bennet, not at all disturbed by the accusation. "I wondered when someone would realize who was behind that man's death! Tell me, since you are so clever: what makes you think I carried out the deed?"

"You were the only one besides Elizabeth and myself who was anywhere near Collins' glass before he drank from it," Darcy said with a smile, "and I know that neither she nor I were able to do him in. Therefore it must have been you."

"Very good, Darcy. Collins was going to propose to Elizabeth. She would have rejected him, and Mrs. Bennet would have made us both miserable for months to come. It was either dispose of him first or kill myself later. I chose the more palatable option."

"I thank you, sir, for your explanation, and for the timely intervention which kept Elizabeth single long enough for me to win her hand." Darcy bowed and Mr. Bennet nodded in return.

Next to Elizabeth at the table, Jane was speaking with her new husband. "How tragic that Caroline is not alive to see this day. She would have been so happy to be at your wedding. You must miss her immensely."

"I have something terrible to confess to you, Jane," Bingley said, a little embarrassed. "I am the one who brutally killed Caroline."

"Oh! My poor Charles! You must feel terrible that you hit her over the head with the fire poker by mistake so many times!"

"Sixty-seven times, to be exact, but who's counting?" Bingley confirmed.

"Tell me what made such an awful accident occur!"

"It was no accident. I had just told Caroline that I was determined to return to Meryton to propose to you, and she, I am afraid, had objections to the match. She told me I should marry someone with much more fortune."

"Did she?" Jane opened her eyes wide.

"And that I should pick someone with a better family."

"I am sure she did not mean it."

"And lastly, she said that I ought not to choose someone so . . . so . . . " he paused.

"What, Charles, what?"

"Someone who was so dull."

Jane gasped at the insult. "Charles, now I have to confess something."

"What is it, my love?"

She leaned close to whisper in his ear. "I wish you had bludgeoned her sixty eight times." She and Charles blushed and smiled at each other.

"I for one would dearly like to know what really happened to my dear Wickham," Lydia complained loudly. "One minute I was showing him Sir Lucas' wine cellar, and the next he was extremely dead!"

"And splattered," Mr. Bennet added, taking a sip from his wine glass.

"Showing him the wine cellar?" Elizabeth mused. "Is that what they call it these days?"

"Nobody would dance even one set after his body was found," Lydia continued. "Whoever killed him was abominably rude to interrupt a perfectly good ball!"

"Why were you showing him the wine cellar?" Jane asked. "Did Lady Lucas ask you to select more wine?" Bingley whispered in her ear for a moment and her eyes widened. "Oh! Lydia, how could you?"

"Because he was devilishly handsome in his red coat, that's how!"

"Never mind his red coat, you are lucky I found you when I did," said Mr. Bennet. "Another minute, and your reputation would have been past saving. I chased him out and then he ran upstairs, intent on humiliating me. I realized later that he tried to carry out his revenge with Lizzy by taking her to the balcony, which was fortunate for all of us. She is someone who could put him in his place! And apparently, she did."

"I did not push Mr. Wickham off the balcony!" Elizabeth exclaimed.

"Nor did I," Darcy added emphatically. "It was an accident."

Everyone around the table nodded knowingly at the couple. "A likely story," said Mary, looking very wise.

"Why did you come to my rescue at the trial, then?" Darcy asked Mr. Bennet.

"Because you seemed like a nice enough chap, and I was happy to get you out of trouble as long as it did not take too much effort. And besides, Lizzy was in love with you." Darcy and Elizabeth smiled at each other.

"Since we are all confessing," said Mrs. Bennet dramatically, "there is something I would like to announce."

"I know exactly what you are going to say," Jane answered without giving the others a chance to respond. "You are the one who stabbed Miss King to death."

"What! I thought it was such a secret! How did you find out?"

"Because you asked to borrow my sewing scissors the very next day." Jane smiled at her sweetly.

"Bless me, have I been sleeping next to a murderer all this time?" remarked Mr. Bennet with some surprise. "What a day this has turned out to be! Bingley offed his sister; Darcy and Lizzy together disposed of Wickham somehow; Collins was poisoned by my hand; and yet Mrs. Bennet turns out to be the most ghastly murderer of all."

"When do I get a chance to get rid of someone?" Kitty said, beginning to cry. "Nobody lets me do anything!"

"Let us pour into each other's bosom this familial consolation," Mary answered, "that such extreme measures will not be needed from now on. Mr. Collins is the only man I was ever tempted to off, but since he is gone and everyone else disagreeable has disappeared, none of us will ever have to think about committing such acts again."

"I can think of some other disagreeables to be gotten rid of," Lydia contradicted, not at all put off. "And you may be jolly sure that I will do so, if I get the chance."

The wedding breakfast was over, and it was time for both couples to leave. Mrs. Bennet was crying copious amounts of tears, which everyone found odd considering how many of her dreams had just come true.

"Ten thousand a year, and very likely more!" she exclaimed. "A house in town! All that is charming! How shall I endure? I shall go distracted!"

"Not that we would notice much difference," her husband commented; but no one noticed.

"You must come visit us very often," Jane told Elizabeth, embracing her. Both sisters were portraits of happiness.

"And you must visit us," Elizabeth answered. "We shall ask you to come to Pemberley for Christmas, and we will also—good lord, who is that?" A coach and four had turned the corner of the lane and was racing up the driveway towards the house. The light gleamed off the coat of arms on the door.

"If I am not mistaken, that is my aunt, Lady Catherine de Bourgh," said Darcy. "We must prepare ourselves for an unpleasant scene."

"Your aunt? Oh, dear."

"Darcy!" cried Lady Catherine, even before the coach had come to a complete stop. "Is the wedding over? I am outraged that I was not consulted ahead of time. You have married into such a pitiful family!"

"Pitiful?" Elizabeth echoed, raising one eyebrow.

Her ladyship exited the carriage, closely followed by her daughter Anne. "What a hovel of a home! It is nothing to Rosings, nothing at all. No one of taste can possibly live here."

"I resent that remark," said Mary.

"There is no style, no fashion to be seen. Your dress, young lady," (turning to Lydia) "is at least three seasons out of date!"

"It is not!" Lydia cried, stomping her foot.

"Your hair is atrocious!" she told Kitty next, and Kitty began to cry yet again.

"You have no money, no fortune," she went on. Mr. Bennet shrugged.

"And madam," she looked directly at Mrs. Bennet, "your daughters are exceedingly ugly!"

"Mama," said Lydia, "Lady Catherine seems rather disagreeable to me."

"I know, my darling! And to me as well."

"And me!" cried Kitty.

"Me too!" Mary exclaimed.

"And to me!" said Jane, causing everyone to stop and look at her.

"My dearest, we should go now," said Bingley, taking Jane's arm and leading her towards the carriage.

"We really should," Darcy echoed, doing the same with Elizabeth.

"Definitely," said Mr. Bennet, eyeing Lady Catherine and her unfortunate daughter.

"Darcy, don't you dare walk away from me!" Lady Catherine shrieked at her nephew's back. "You are supposed to marry Anne! We can have the ceremony right now!"

"Good by, Lady Catherine," Darcy told her gravely just before he climbed into the carriage. The door closed.

"Good by, mama and papa," called Jane from the other carriage. "I will see you soon!"

"Good by, Lady Catherine!" Elizabeth cried from hers. "It was such a pleasure to meet you! Good by, papa and mama! Good by, sisters!"

"Good by!" they all cried in return. "Good by and farewell!" Both carriages moved down the driveway, pulled away from the house, and disappeared around the curve. There was silence for a moment. Then-

"I don't suppose you have any means of refreshment in such a dismal little hovel," Lady Catherine said, sneering. "I could use some rest before returning to Rosings. And I have not found nearly enough to criticize yet."

"Please come inside," Mrs. Bennet said, smiling. "We would be honored to receive such an important guest."

"We would indeed," her husband echoed.

"Gladly," Mary muttered.

"I shall lead the way!" cried Kitty.

"No, I shall!" Lydia contradicted her.

"Girls, where are my new sewing scissors?"

Lady Catherine and her daughter were led inside Longbourn, guided by the rest of the Bennet family.

And then the murders started.

THE END

I got so many requests to "off" Lady Catherine that I could not bear to disappoint you! :-) Please let me know what you thought!

I hope you enjoyed this immensely silly, wildly preposterous story. See you back on An Unexpected Turn of Events! -Elaine Owen