"This is Real"

It took us a couple days to reach our destination. There wasn't really much talk between the four of us, as we quietly rode through the mountains and into a more green looking terrain. If I'm going to be honest, I think it was my presence that seemed to put them off.

From the small amount of conversation I did catch, little of which seemed to be directed at me (even if the topic of said conversation was me), we were to meet up with some people who were transporting some lyrium to Skyhold. We were preparing for something. That was all I got.

I'm 75% certain that the primary objective to the whole thing was to try and jog my memory. Or, rather, Malika's memory. Which sucked for them, because those memories weren't coming back. That thought just seemed to make me even more sad.

It was dark out, the flames from the firepit lit up our faces as we sat around it. The tents had been pitched and the air, fortunately, was not as crisp as it was up in the Frostbacks. I peered up, seeing the twinkling stars in the distance. The moons seemed to illuminate the area around us enough to see the horses tied to the tree 10 feet away. Their tails swished lazily as they stood there quietly.

"So, you remember anything yet Sunshine?" Varric asked from the other side of the fire. Sera snorted quietly and elbowed Bull, who said something back. They were oblivious to Varric's question. Trapped in their own conversation.

"...No." I answered quietly, eyes darting to the ground. I kicked my foot and bit my lip. If I didn't remember, would they suspect anything?

My eyes gazed blankly across the fire and observed the cart full of goods on that side of the camp. A few tents were set up near it, people seated just outside of them laughing and talking to one another. Companionship. Their helmets lay in the snow right next to them as they enjoyed a drink.

"Hey, I'm sure something will jog your memory. I've seen someone get their ass kicked so hard before that they forgot their name for two days." He chuckled and set Bianca at his side gently. His voice seemed hesitant. Unsure of how I was going to react.

So when I smiled, his eyes seemed to widen a bit in disbelief. Or maybe it was my imagination, but it seemed like he didn't recognize the woman in front of him for a second. And he shouldn't.

During this pause, I heard the sound of something sailing through the air. My ear twitched and I flinched back, seeing something fly by my face.

'Fwip!' 'Thud'

"Ugh!" Sera grunted and my eyes flew over to her, seeing an arrow jutting out of her shoulder. Fear shot through my core, like ice.

"Sera!" I yelled. My instinct was to get up and go to her, and I did. But not before hearing the sound again. My body seemed to move on its own as I dove to the ground, hearing something hit the metal pauldron that I was wearing. I screamed.

Everything happened so quickly, in a flurry of movement. Iron Bull was up, greatsword drawn. I heard his battle cry. Varric was already up and aiming at the enemy with Bianca. Sera broke the wooden part of the arrow off, leaving the head in her shoulder as she grabbed her own bow.

Me? I curled into myself on the ground, shaking. I couldn't move. Couldn't find it in me to move. I wanted to cry. Oh God, I wanted to cry.

Moments passed, metal scraping against metal. Another cry from Sera, only this time she called out the Inquisitor's name.

"Malika!" Sera yelled angrily. I peeked up, seeing Iron Bull in the background fending some men off. Their bodies deformed looking, crystals jutting out of the templar armor. The red energy seemed to permeate the air around them, floating like a sort of mist. Red Templars. How had they found us? Were they tracking the wagon?

A few bodies lay in the grass near the treeline. The clearing allowed us enough of a visual on all of the enemies that approached. What little amount of people that were there had jumped into action, everyone moving in a flurry of movement.

I even spotted a few Inquisition soldiers laying in the snow, their armor crumpled in.

Varric and Sera stood in the back, firing at them. A man appeared in a poof, seemingly out of nowhere. It shrieked, spinning it's body as it tried to gut the rogues. It's arms looked to have fused themselves with the red lyrium, branching off into tapered points.

Sera swung her bow like a bat, hitting the thing in the shoulder and staggering it. Varric rolled out of the way just in time to shoot at it.

I was so engrossed in seeing them fight that I didn't hear Bull call Cadash's name. I was watching Sera fight against the rogue in front of her with her own dagger, a look of sheer determination on her freckled features.

It was only when I felt the ground rumbling that I was broken out of my daze. Even from my spot on the ground, it was almost like I couldn't keep myself upright. Dread settled in my stomach as I slowly turned around, red eyes wide in shock.

It was like my body couldn't even move. Not this time. I shook in place, staring up at what looked to be a red templar behemoth. It had to have been over ten feet tall, in the very least. The blighted crystals encased it's whole body and it seemed to amble alone on three limbs. One of which was it's arm, which almost resembled a gigantic hammer of some sort.

It looked down at me with it's small red glowing eyes and screamed. I half expected a roar, or a growl. But a scream? A shrill cry of sheer agony ripped through it's lips, it's hammer shaped limb lifting up.

"Move, kid!" Someone grunted as my body was lifted, like a ragdoll. I couldn't see by who, but my body went flying. Careening out of the way as it swung it's red hammer down with a resounding, 'THUD!'

Snow and slush burst into the air and I could hear the horses near the cart whinnying and shrieking to get out of their binds.

And the one that had thrown me?

The Iron Bull.

His massive body wasn't far away, his meaty hand covering his ribs as he barely stood upright with the assistance of his sword. I crab walked away, not caring how undignified I looked in that moment.

It seemed to take forever before the thing was even worn down enough to kill. It definitely didn't go down easily. I, of course, remained on the sidelines like the coward I was. Malika's sword long lost in the snow somewhere near the fire.

There were few, if even that, Inquisition soldiers left. Maybe two or three out of the dozen that were there before the battle. Sera and Varric were panting from overexertion, their faces and arms battered and bruised. But it looked like it was Iron Bull that had taken the most damage.

The Ben-Hassrath's good eye kept getting covered by blood from a head wound just above his eye. His hand frequently wiped at it, only leading to more blood pooling over and blocking his vision.

I spotted movement just behind him. My mouth opened to scream, but nothing came out.

"Get out of the-" A gurgle and a disgusting squelching noise cut my warning off. I could only stare up as the sticky warm substance spattered into the snow beneath him.

The sound made me want to throw up on the spot. But that wasn't all. Blood. It was absolutely everywhere. He'd been in the process of turning around, barely reacting to my call, but he wasn't fast enough. His body was too slow and sluggish from the drawn out battle. The warrior tried to block, but the attack had hit home.

Iron Bull let out an enraged cry as he grabbed the templar, viciously ripping him off of his feet and tossing him into the snow at his right. The fact that the man was in full plate armor didn't even seem to dawn on the man.

'Clang!' The templar hit the unforgiving ground and just as he was about to get back up, a blade was plunged through his chest plate. It crumpled like aluminum.

I watched, in horror. I couldn't breathe. Oh God, I couldn't breathe. My chest heaved and I tried to take in a breath. In out. In. In? It wasn't working. I was hyperventilating.

The Iron Bull let out a cough, a dark substance spattering on the ground as he fell to his knees.

"Bull!" Sera yelled, running up to him. She barely caught him, lowering him to the ground as gently as possible. It was evident how difficult that was, seeing their sheer size difference.

The longsword was still sticking out of his body, but he paid it no heed. The only thing I could do was watch. Watch in horror as one of my favorite characters—no. He was an actual person, he wasn't a character.

Characters didn't bleed, they didn't cry, they didn't hurt. These were people. Real people.

This was real.

It was all over as fast as it began. The silence all around us was almost deafening as I stared at the massive form laying on the ground not but 10 feet away. His mouth moving, speaking to Sera. The tears didn't go unnoticed by me. Or the screams as she shook his body. Telling him—no, demanding something. But I couldn't hear a thing. I simply stared.

He'd… called me a kid.

I stared and stared.

I couldn't move. I couldn't—I didn't do anything. I just watched it happen. The Qunari's body lay on the ground. Still. Almost too still, under the moonlight and flickering of the dying fire at my right. In the dim lighting, it almost looked like he had black paint covering his massive torso. Pooling into the grass and darkness. Leaking into the soil.

He knew. He knew. He knew. He-

All I did was stare.

The walk back to Skyhold was quiet. I wasn't unaware of the occasional glare from Sera, either. Not even Varric looked my way. I didn't even sleep that night. The bags under my eyes darkening, exhausted. I simply stared forward at my companions. The three horses in front of me ambled lazily up the hill toward the fortress, hooves pushing through the crisp layer of the white substance. Crunch crunch.

I just stared. I stared forth at those three horses. Only two of which were occupied. The other…

My eyes watered, my chest aching as I looked away. I couldn't—I couldn't do this. I … I already…

"She just … stared at him." Was the only thing she heard come out of Sera's mouth as I came around the corner from the staircase. Dorian was bracing himself onto the railing, tears in his eyes as he gazed into the rotunda below. The Tevinter was shaking, from rage or agony was unknown to me. Unknown because as soon as he looked up at me, his broken expression morphed into sheer rage.

Originally I'd come up to apologize. I'm not sure what good that would have done, though. But a part of me felt it necessary. Perhaps even offer explanation. Tell them that it wasn't what I intended. But… again, what good was that? What's done is done. And I….

Everyone had long gone to their quarters or the tavern at that point, the clear sky allowing some of the moonlight to filter through the small windows into the library. A couple of candles flickered, casting warm illumination across Dorian's tanned face. Sera only turned and looked at me, expression also changing to that of disdain.

It was quite obvious how everyone felt about me here. I knew that from day one.

"You." I knew that Dorian wouldn't hurt me, no matter how angry he may have been. No matter how much I'd inadvertently wronged him. No matter—even though I killed his lover.

I took a step back, not even attempting to push back the tears that surfaced in my eyes. I even felt the blood drain from my face at the expression he was making at me. The look in his eyes. The way he … what I'd done to him. It felt like my heart was throbbing, threatening to crack in half.

I never asked for this. Iron Bull didn't deserve to die. Dorian certainly didn't deserve this. What little happiness the both of them may have had, shattered. Because of me.

I opened my mouth to protest, maybe even apologize. Like I'd intended. But what good would that do? What good would anything do?

But my eyes were transfixed on his hands, which were balled into fists. The sight of his aggressive posture sent my mind spiraling, hairs standing on end as I felt the oxygen leave my body.

Fear. Complete and unbridled fear jolted through my system as I flinched back, expecting him to hit me. Visions of someone, someone I'd rather not remember, flashing through my eyes in an instant. Pain. Pain. He was going to hit me!

I let out a cry, arm swinging and connecting with something. 'CRACK!'

"Unf!" A grunt.

When I opened my eyes I saw Dorian stumbling back, holding his jaw.

"What the shit!?" Sera cursed, snarling at me as I squeaked.

The tears burned in my eyes, falling down my cheeks. I didn't even fight it, then. I didn't notice the confused glint in the elf's eyes, nor the form of Leliana above. Daggers poised, ready to protect me had Dorian made a move to actually harm me.

I couldn't see anything as I turned and ran. And ran. The only thing I could ever seem to do was run. I didn't know where my legs were even taking me, unable to see anything as the scenery blurred. People yelled as I bumped into them, but I paid them no heed.

My boots slapped against the cold stone, slush getting splashed up and onto my pants. I'd long since removed my armor. Thankfully, since as soon as I exited Skyhold's gates my body went careening toward the ground. I fell, ungracefully, onto the ground into a pathetic little lump.

I just wanted to curl up and disappear. My eyes hurt, my ribs hurt, my lungs. Oh Gods, my lungs. It felt like I couldn't breathe. It just wasn't fair. This just wasn't fair.

It wasn't supposed to happen. None of this was supposed to happen.

"Why…. Why whywhy." I coughed, wiping away the mix of snot and tears before they began to freeze in the wintery air. I looked up at the moonlit sky, stars twinkling down. I squeezed my eyes shut and lowered my head, "I didn't want this..."

What had happened only days earlier was testament of what I was even capable in this world. Nothing.

Wishing hard enough didn't seem to wake me up from this horrible nightmare. Perhaps… perhaps if I died I would wake up. Safe in my old world. Safe and alone, but safe. I stood up, heart pounding against my chest as I looked at the edge of Skyhold's bridge. Contemplating. Believing.

Believing that maybe if I just jumped, I could solve all of this.

Minutes passed, hours maybe, as I stared down at the steep drop into nothingness. I couldn't even see the bottom, even though the moon was so bright against the snow. It was either now or later. At least now, I could choose. I could be the reason. It would be painless. Unlike what would likely happen to me later. Dead and bleeding out somewhere on the battlefield. Full of fear and pain.

But no. I was a coward. I didn't—no, I couldn't. I couldn't do it. Because what if it wasn't true? What if I did die for real? Or, worse yet, doomed these people worse than I already have?

Another round of sobs wracked my body, but I fought against them. Curling into myself as I stood there, thinking about how much of a coward I was.

'How could I even… think that? What about them? What about them?' But it wasn't fair!

I wiped the tears away from my face, feeling them begin to crust and freeze to my skin. Sniffling, I waited a few minutes before turning to walk back into Skyhold Fortress. Thinking, hoping, that the pain weighing on my heart would lessen. If only for a bit.

I wanted to help. To try. But how could I if I couldn't even speak up for myself? I couldn't speak without stuttering? I doubted anxiety medications even existed here, so I was completely out of luck.

I sighed, dejected, only to bump into someone. I stumbled, surprised. Eyes widening and flicking up, "I-I..."

'I'm sorry!'

Then, came the one sentence I certainly didn't need to hear right then.

"You don't care about people." The cold tone came from Cole. I, for the most part, didn't even try to hide the utter horror that crossed my features then. My body shook as I pulled up my hand, as if to reach out.

"Cole." I squeaked, "Th-That's not..." 'That's not who I am. I'm not her!'

But wasn't I? I'd had a hand in it, hadn't I?

"No." His icy blue eyes seemed to pierce right through my soul. I felt my heart squeeze. He was my only chance at not being alone in all of this. My only…

"You don't. Care." He repeated, with more conviction. "And I don't have to be here."

"I-I do! I-I care, I don't—I don't." I let out a choked gasp when his hand moved. My body flew forward, as if on it's own accord. Closing the small space as I tackled him, pinning his arm at his side.

"No! Don't leave, please!" I was almost surprised how confident my voice came out.

"You won't miss me." He seemed to wriggle against my grasp, only for me to squeeze harder. A sob escapes my lips, causing him to freeze in place. I felt my vision wavering, mind becoming foggy. Air seemingly leaving my body. Again. No nono.

'He probably doesn't like physical contact, you dolt!' I promptly detached myself at the sudden invading thought. Realization. But I refused to look up, ashamed.

I just stood there with my head bowed, barely aware of the tears that clouded my vision. Nothing is ever easy, is it? He was probably the only person that I could trust in this God's forsaken world. The only person that would even begin to understand my predicament. But the stupid mark. The mark.

I held my marked hand in front of my face and squeezed it shut.

I hated being here. I hated this!

'Why. Whywhy.' I let out a whimper.

"I'm sorry..." I finally said, voice wobbling. I refused to look up at him, for the fear of seeing his angered expression. Those accusing eyes. Something inside of me felt like it was cracking under the strain. Threatening to shatter to pieces. It hurt. It hurt. Why did it hurt so much? I didn't actually know these people. So why did their words sear through me so? With every snide remark or look of disdain, it seemed to cut through me like a hot knife. Pushing me down. Down. Down.

It felt like I was barely clawing at the edges, trying to stay up. But there was only down. My voice, a whisper, "I can't. I can't. I won't stop you."

Everything was falling away. Maybe that was for the best. I couldn't do this. Could never dream to. They were either stuck with the tyrannical Inquisitor that I'd created, the monster. Or me, Luna, who cannot even fathom the thought of standing up for myself. A spineless nobody.

They were better off with the original Inquisitor. At least then, they would defeat Corypheus.

The thoughts were coming back. The ones I'd stuffed back at the bridge.

"No." I whined, hands making their way into my hair as I curled forward and shook. This was just too much, I couldn't do it. I died coming here, did that mean if I died I would go back? Maybe I was just in a coma and this was a dream? Wouldn't that mean that if I died here I'd just wake up, then?

This was all just a lie.

Lies lies, that's all I was. An imposter. A fraud.

My line of thought was broken when Cole's hand came into view and touched my face. I flinched, afraid. He seemed to hesitate for a second before grabbing my hand and leading me off to the side somewhere. Away from the prying eyes of the guards patrolling the fortress. I didn't even want to look up to see where we were headed. I followed without question.

The whinny of the horses in the stalls alerted me of our location. The barn.

"You aren't her." His tone wasn't accusatory, simply curious. Baffled, even. Though I didn't register it as so, simply curling into myself more and letting out a hiccup. "The mark makes you brighter, obscured. I..."

I took low, steady breathes. Trying to calm myself as I listened to him talk. Did he really see? Did he finally see? Was it possible?

The darkness of the barn forced my eyes to adjust from the lack of moonlight. Hay scattered the dirt floor beneath our boots.

"Y-You came to me for help and I turned you away. I didn't know." He continued. Then finished, voice sounding almost broken, "I'm sorry."

"I ca-an't do it. I can't I can't." I spoke swiftly, looking up at him. Pleading. The words just seemed to spill out. "Where I come from k-killing … never … I've n-never. A-And I-Iron Bull, h-he-"

It felt like a rock was lodged in my throat. It was painful, so so painful. I felt like my heart would burst from the sheer agony of the realization that still hung over my head. This was real and Bull was dead because of me.

It was all my fault.

"It's hard, like counting birds against the sun. You're too bright, but I-" He froze when I leaned forward and clung to him like a scared little child. He probably had no idea how to react to the sudden physical contact and I felt like crap for doing it, but it was an almost immense relief. Knowing that he might not leave me. That I wouldn't be completely alone in all of this.

I didn't know what else to do, so I clung to the only thing in this world that didn't try to kill me. Wouldn't shun me. Right?

"You know me." Cole's voice sounded almost baffled, like he couldn't understand.

It was like I couldn't get anything coherent out of my mouth, everything stuttery and watery sounding. So I simply sat there and waited for my sobs to cease. Eventually I slowly detached myself, shame rolling off of me as I realized that I'd probably made him uncomfortable. My, now blonde, hair fell in front of my face in curtains as I bowed my head.

"I'm sorry." Was the first thing that I was even able to say after I'd calmed, though the pain was still evident in my tone. "Y-Yes I … I know you."

Back home I'd developed bonds with people, despite said bonds being over the internet, so I was never truly alone. Even though I rarely spoke to my siblings or parents (a story for another time), I always had someone to go to. Someone to talk to. Or, rather, type.

But here, on Thedas, I was alone. Utterly and completely alone.

A hand patted my head almost awkwardly, causing me to blink away some stray tears and look up. Cole was staring down at me, looking completely unsure of himself. His hand remained, "You aren't."

It took me a moment to realize that he'd probably picked up on my fear and pain at being alone.

"But I thought—didn't you say-" I fidgeted, feeling uneasy and afraid I'd say something wrong. Offend him, even.

"It's hard." He repeated, but then added. "But not impossible."

I stood alone in the middle nowhere. Rocks floated in the sky, green fog rolling around my ankles and whirling into the air in front of my face. I blinked once. Twice. Before realizing just where I was.

"So this is the pathetic little thing that has taken my place." A jeering voice sounded from behind me. I whipped around, black hair falling in front of my face. Black? I was… I was me?

But I didn't have enough time to contemplate, as I stood in front of Malika Cadash. She was much shorter than me, her blonde hair tumbling messily to her shoulders. The scars on her face made her look much more intimidating, imposing as she glared up at me. Red eyes and a frown marring her face.

"M-Malika?" I asked, even though I knew.

He movements were swift as she reached out and grabbed a glob of my hair. I squeaked and struggled. The dwarven woman hissed into my ear, "Tell my why I shouldn't just kill you, little bug."

"A-A-Ah! It hurts! Stop!" I squealed, only to have her shake my head violently side to side. I stumbled. Could you feel pain in a dream? In the Fade?

"ANSWER ME!" She shrieked.

I tried to crane my neck to look up, intent on answering. The last thing I saw was the anger, the absolute fear, on Malika's face before I jolted awake.

I heaved in lungfuls of oxygen, feeling my throat burn from exertion. My eyes sluggishly adjusted to my surroundings, seeing a blurry form sitting next to me. Flinching, I tried to scramble back.

"Luna." A familiar voice made me freeze, vision focusing in. Smaller details becoming clearer. The morning sun penetrated the stained glass, sending daggers of red and orange light across the floor and stone wall. Cole. Cole was sitting next to me in Malika's massive bed.

"Cole?" I croaked, confused.

"You were screaming. Telling someone to stop." His brows furrowed, gaze penetrating my own. Trying to understand. Listen, it seemed. "Are you hurt?"

"N-No… Sorry. I-I just had a bad dream." I muttered, rubbing my arms and feeling the cool air from the balcony shift across my bare skin. I flushed and looked down, realizing I was in my pajamas.

I'd vaguely remembered Cole leading me up to the bedroom to rest, but beyond that…

"I—uh, how? Wait-"

"Mika helped. She was afraid, at first. But she knows. She likes you better like this … she likes, you. Luna. Not Malika." He tried to explain, but seemed to answer my unasked question. Mika probably had helped me into my pajamas. I breathed a sigh of relief.

"S-Sorry." I fidgeted, pulling the blankets up to shield myself. As if to hide, "Mika is a nice woman. W-Was Malika mean to her?"

The question had been gnawing at my mind for awhile, now.

"Yes." He answered, gaze hardening. Angry, "She hit her sometimes. Called her stupid. Said she was worthless, like her family had. 'Worthless child. Do you ever learn?' Sometimes her hurts bled out, battering, burning. Hurting others." Like Mika, I concluded.

I looked down at my hands, squeezing the silk sheets. I'd created a sort of backstory for Malika, I suppose. This seemed to further confirm how much of that was true. I'd made it so Malika had been shunned and hated by her family, causing her jaded outlook on life. All of the awful things I thought of. Once, harmless. Now?

I froze, remembering my dream. Or, rather, my time in the Fade. The image of Malika's angered expression and her hand pulling my hair flitted through my mind. Had that been real? Or my mind conjuring my fears, my guilt?

"….Wait. Why are you in the room w-with me? Don't you-" I stuttered, feeling my face heat up. "Er-yeah. Don't you have things to do?"

"When I tried to go, you became restless." He stared over at me from underneath his huge hat, eyes barely visible from behind his choppy blonde locks. My lips thinned at the thought.

I felt awful. I'd tried to cling to him, keeping him from doing what he wanted. What he needed to do. Wasn't I, as a result, taking advantage of his kindness? Self-loathing bubbled in my stomach as I looked away in disgust. I was being manipulative. Especially after last night's events.

"I didn't mean to … I am sorry." Because what would happen was, I would become toxic to him. Especially to someone as sensitive to human emotions/thoughts as he was. Granted the Anchor hid most of it. Too bright. I would be nothing but a burden to him, nonetheless.

There were other people out there that needed his help more than I. I was just ….

… unworthy.

"Thank you, Cole. You have he-elped. R-Really." I forced myself up, mindless of my shaking hands when I began sifting through Cadash's dresser for something to wear.

I clutched a random outfit and turned around, intent on telling him to leave. Only to find him gone. Poof. Just like that. My eyes found the floor and I pushed away the feeling of helplessness. No. I needed to hold my head high. I needed to try.

I wasn't alone anymore. I had Cole.

Shouldn't that be enough?