Tomorrow passed.

And then another. And another.

Until suddenly your household staff was moving back in, and Alexander was moving his things back out. And you watched helplessly sitting cross-legged on your bed as his final pair of trousers were gathered in his arms, and he began making his way out of your room.

Your throat constricted as you watched him approach the door. He would be coming right back, you knew; however, you shouldn't let him. That was the point. You had avoided ending things with him for almost a month, and now was your best shot to actually go through with the speech you had prepared for once. The two of you had to essentially end things anyways, so it wouldn't be too much to just make it all a legitimate sever.

And yet still after all this time, you held yourself back. You only had four days left with him, and you knew it was selfish, but you'd broken your promise for this long: what was four more days?

So instead of speaking up, you watched silently as he disappeared from your view into the hallway.

When Alexander did return a few minutes later, you hadn't moved from your stoic position on the bed, and had consumed the time with staring at the wall intently, trying to convince yourself to just do it. It was a battle you knew you would lose, just like every other time you had fought it.

Flopping unceremoniously on your bed beside you, Alexander let out a sigh. "I just still can't believe we're already at the end of the three months," he commented, a slightly solemn undertone to his voice.

You knew if you tried to say anything, your voice would betray you, so instead you offered a hum of agreement. If Alexander was concerned by it, it didn't show.

"I promised Sania I'd give her lessons for the next three days while we still can openly, so I better not keep her waiting," he informed you after a beat of silence, a playful glint in his eye. The look was enough to partially allow you to return to a normal state.

With a small smile, you smirked, and shook your head softly. "Well, I guess I'll share you if I must," you tried to joke, but it fell flat, and thickened the air around the two of you uncomfortably. You ducked your head and took in a shaky breath as you felt Alexander's arms wrap gently around you.

His head rested against yours, and he softly murmured, "I know, Y/N. From here we just take it one day at a time, for as long as we can."

A choked sound emitted itself from your throat and he held you closer. You needed to tell him you had already decided how long you could sustain this. You needed to tell him it was only four more days.

But while you were stuck silently yelling at yourself, he had already kissed your forehead and left you alone in your room with your thoughts.

With a shudder and not knowing what else to do, you fell backwards and curled up in your bed, desperately asking sleep to save you from your mind.

The first day with the household staff back went smoothly enough. Which essentially meant you had spent most the day either in bed or speaking with staff members about how progress for the ball was coming along. Which essentially meant you didn't see Alexander again until that evening.

Since all the staff stayed in a different wing of the manor, the two of you had somehow justified waking up together the next morning, despite the suspicion it had the potential of creating. But you had been tired, and didn't have the energy to put up a fight when Alexander reasoned it.

You had three days left together, and you could begin to feel your body's constant jitters wearing you out. You suspected Alexander finally noticed your nerves were bigger and more omniscient than he originally thought, but he never brought them up. He probably chalked it up to being nervous about your mother returning; he retaliated with soft, absent minded touches that did nothing for your slowly deteriorating state, but you couldn't tell him that.

So you accepted the touches and stayed silent.

Two days left together, and it took everything in you to hold your mental state together.

Your sister and mother were set to return early the next morning, and you were still entertaining the idea that continuing this relationship behind Bethany's back while she was here-even if it was just for one day-was a morally acceptable thing to do. Not to mention continuing to drag Alexander along in this preposterous situation.

Taking a shuddering breath, you tried so hard to focus on what Alexander was saying, but your eyes keep roaming to the world outside the window seat the two of you sat in. It seemed eerily calm outside, and your mind wandered to the changing of the seasons. A year, you realized.

It had officially been a year since the ball you very nearly ruined everything. A year since your capture. A year since the idiot sitting beside you got himself taken as well. A year since all of this began.

Swallowing thickly, and swinging your legs around to land on the ground quickly, you stood without looking Alexander in the eyes, not wanting him to see the tears that suddenly struck you.

You distantly heard him call out to you in confusion, but you shook your head and waved him off, not turning around to look at him. "I just need to go for a walk," you mumbled as you hurried out of the room, leaving Alexander to watch after you with concern. But to your surprise and gratitude, he didn't follow you.

As soon as you made it out of the manor-which felt like it was suffocating you-you stopped and began heaving sobs, unsure of what else to do. Alexander had offered early to have one last piano day with your last day alone for awhile, and you had to decline because you knew you wouldn't be able to handle it. He had offered having one last "ball" with your household staff that evening, but you had to decline because you knew it would destroy you.

He kept offering different things to help you transition back to life in hiding, and you couldn't accept any of it because you knew you didn't deserve it. In two days you would destroy his heart and all his trust in you.

You didn't deserve to feel any better than how you felt exactly at this moment.

With a shuddering breath, and a resolve to mellow your sobs to silent streams, you eventually convinced yourself to pick yourself up and actually go for the walk you had told Alexander you would be on. You hadn't accounted for the cold when you had fled the manor, and while you reasonably could just return inside to retrieve a shawl, you found that the bite to the cold air helped clear your mind. The longer you spent walking, the more numb you became, which was exactly what you needed at the moment.

In seventeen hours you would have to face your mother. Confront her about your plan. Trap her with a deal irresistible to her, and solidify your fate.

But even more terrifying than that, in seventeen hours you would have to face Bethany, and confront the betrayal you doubted you would ever be forgiven for. Or, live with the knowledge of your betrayal as Bethany continued on blissfully oblivious.

You weren't sure which was worse.

An hour into your walk, and your fourth round around the hibernating garden, your shivering became so uncontrollable, you had no choice but to return inside and fend off Alexander's endless support. With a restrained sigh, you set your course back for the manor.

(That evening you relented and held one more ball for your staff. Did you really think you would be able to deny Alexander forever?)

"Shit."

You turned around curiously with eyebrows furrowed to see Alexander frowning as he read a letter on your bed. It was after the pre-ball, and all your staff had returned to their quarters. Knowing it was risky to spend a third night together with the staff, especially with Bethany and your mother arriving home soon, the two of you had been more reluctant than usual to retreat to your room together, but the thought of not having one last night together had won out.

Alexander's eyes looked up at you sheepishly, and your face quirked into an unspoken question.

"Bethany sent me this letter a couple days ago, and in the rush of the staff moving back in and me moving out, I had forgotten to read it," he explained quietly. "She asked me to ask you to fill in for her in the garment tradition. I think we're supposed to pick her gown."

Your face flushed slightly. The garment tradition was a silly one, if you were single. Honestly, you usually just used it as an excuse to see Philip. But when one was Chosen, the history behind the tradition came a little more into play. The person you Chose to spend the rest of your life with was now helping you choose a dress to symbolize the joining of Choices in a perfect union.

And Bethany asked Alexander to make that choice with you.

You had always viewed the garment tradition as frivolous and unnecessary, even when you were with John. But now, looking at Alexander, you couldn't help but feel you had been wrong all along. The idea that after a Choice was made, every choice from then on was made in union, no longer seemed like an empty symbol.

It suddenly felt like too grand a responsibility for you to take Bethany up on. It suddenly felt like you were hijacking Bethany's Choice, and all the meaning behind, even though, you technically had been for months now. It suddenly didn't just feel like an empty gesture, but rather, it felt like too much.

But instead of raising your concern on that, you looked into Alexander's hopeful eyes, and gave a tense nod in agreement that the two of you should do this. For Bethany, you reminded yourself. And you weren't sure why you gave in, if it was because you gave in to all of Alexander's requests as of late, or because it was incredibly late and your mother and Bethany were set to arrive in less than seven hours.

Either way, you now found yourself being led out the door and down the hall to Bethany's room

The two of you were quiet as you entered Bethany's closet, as if you were to disrupt spirits she had left there to keep an eye on you. With silent communication, you both began drawing dresses to your likings, deciding to compare tastes at the end. You seemed to go for more modest selections than Alexander, but perhaps that was just the older sister in you.

You were in the middle of pulling out a gorgeous emerald gown, when Alexander held up a shimmering gold gown to observe. Your throat constricted and you absentmindedly dropped the dress in your hand.

You had been sixteen when you had acquired that gown, Bethany's age. It felt so out of place in your closet, but you had a fond fascination with it even since your dressmaker had offered to make it. A small part of you always knew you would never wear it, but you held onto it for safekeeping.

John had stumbled upon it in your closet one day and had pulled it out and said seriously, "If I saw you in this dress, I would marry you on the spot." The words had made you blush then. You had seen it as a promise of sorts. That one day you would Choose him, and he wouldn't marry you in some specially made white dress, but rather in the gown that had felt too pretty for you, gathering dust in your closet.

But then John had died, and the dress had just been a constant reminder of what you would never have. You passed the dress onto Bethany and had forgotten about it.

"That one," you whispered, startling Alexander out of his thoughts. He looked over at you curiously, but his expression soon turned to concern as he observed the gown in an unceremonious pile at your feet and the unsuspecting tears on your cheeks.

"I want to see her in that dress," you whispered again, begging Alexander not to push for an explanation. Because you couldn't tell him the meaning of the dress. And you especially couldn't tell him how that was the ballgown you wanted to see your sister in at the last ball you would be together. There was too much to unpack in the statement, and thankfully, Alexander seemed to sense that. He nodded and turned back to the gown to size up the decision.

Finally, he responded, "I agree, it's a beautiful gown." Tears continued to leave your eyes as you nodded.

Once the gown was displayed gracefully in the middle of the closet with all the other options put back in their rightful places, the two of you once again returned to your room. You began drawing back the blankets on the bed to prepare for bed, when you noticed Alexander still standing awkwardly in the middle of the room, rocking back on his heels.

Standing up and turning to him, you quirked your eyebrows in question as to what he was doing.

"I- I was just thinking, maybe we could…" he began to suggest, but trailed off, and avoided eye contact with you.

You stood and watched him for a moment, waiting for him to continue, but when it became obvious he needed a little push, you questioned softly, "Alexander?"

His eyes shot up to yours, and you noted that his cheeks were flushed. "Nothing, it was- It was nothing," he finally responded.

Remaining silent for a moment and debating your options, you finally decided to push a little further. "Alexander? What was it?"

You waited patiently as he took a deep breath, and looked up at you bashfully. "Can I help you choose your ballgown as well?"

It felt like everything went still for a moment. Like your heart was taking an extra long pause between beats and your lungs between breaths. Because he knew the implications of that. And you weren't quite sure if you were emotionally okay with choosing Bethany's gown with him, let alone allow him to help you. And allowing him to help you insinuated that he was-

"I know I'm not your Choice, and I know we can't change that. And I know you don't want to choose a gown with me because of the strict lines you want to draw between what I am to you and a Choice. But this tradition, it doesn't just feel like a Choice thing, if that makes sense. Choosing something together, forming that union, it doesn't symbolize anything if the participants aren't lovers forging a new life together. And I- I love you, Y/N. So maybe I could do this with you not as your Choice, but as your lover."

Alexander ended his impassioned speech with sincere eyes, unwaveringly holding yours, and you felt the whole world crashing down on you. He loved you, and by tomorrow morning he would never want to look at you again.

Your body seemed to be frozen in time as it tried to decide any way to react to this new information. You should have ended things when Theodosia told you to, because then maybe you wouldn't be in this mess.

But as sobs began overtaking your body and you looked upon Alexander, studying him closely, you realized it never mattered when you would have ended things with him. You would always end up here.

He would always be in love with you.

And you would always return that love.

His arms were around you in seconds as he tried to sooth you and apologized for coming on too strongly, but you could help but clutch him and shake your head at his apologies.

"No, it's just," you finally tried to speak through the tears. "It's just I love you too," you whispered quietly, and his face seemed to glow at the admission. He once again wrapped you in a hug as you continued mourn the future inevitable end of the two of you.

Upon waking, you instinctively clung tighter to Alexander's warmth. Even with the little sleep you had and the groggy state you were in, your subconscious knew this was the last time you would be able to do this for awhile.

You stayed like that for a few minutes, just taking in Alexander's heartbeat and breathing. Silence had always been your favorite sound, but now…

Now you realized too late that Alexander was your favorite everything.

Your mind registered another sound in the distance, but refused to directly acknowledge it. Whatever it was wasn't as important to you as counting Alexander's heartbeats and basking in his soft breaths on your forehead.

It wasn't until the sound became much closer that you realized. It was a carriage. Coming down your lane.

Bethany and Aremine were returning now.

Without another thought you bolted from the bed. Alexander began to grumble, but you shushed him urgently, and even in his sleepy demeanor, he seemed to get the message and shut up abruptly.

You made it to the door just in time.

A knock sounded on the door as it swung open, and you quickly replaced Senna's entire view with your body and a breathless and a bit forced smile. Senna jumped back a bit in surprise and with a laugh at your sudden appearance.

"You startled me, ma'am," she laughed, placing her hand on her chest. After she caught her breath and you waited tensely in anticipation for her, she continued, "I just came up to inform you that your mother and Bethany's carriage is arriving as we speak."

The two of you shared a strained smile to hide the fact you both knew your lives got a lot harder here on out. "Thank you, Senna," you responded quietly.

She turned to leave, and then stopped and turned back towards you. "Should I wake Alexander?" she asked, gesturing to his room behind her.

Your body tensed as your forced a smile on your face and tried not to react outwardly to the question. "No, no, that's fine," you assured her forcefully. "I'll get him up, you don't have to worry about it."

Senna nodded, unperturbed, and turned to leave. You watched her make most of her way down the hall before you retreated back into your room and shut the door. With a sigh you turned to see a much more awake and alert Alexander, scrambling to grab what little things he had left in your room and making his way towards you at the door.

He stopped at you, and you could tell he was still half asleep, but he shot you a small smile anyways. "And so our retreat ends," he mumbled, and you offered a small nod in reply. Both of you opened your mouths to say something else, but eventually closed them again. The words you exchanged last night layed heavy in your minds. Neither of you had to repeat or acknowledge them to know that.

And so you let Alexander slip out of the room without comment.

You allowed yourself a brief moment to collect yourself, and then turned with purpose towards your closet. You had family to welcome, a ball to finish preparing, and a deal to close. Now was not the time to get caught up in your emotions.

A few minutes later, you met Alexander in the grand entry hall, waiting in anticipation for the doors to open. You tried not to think of the position you were in the last time the two of you stood in front of these doors. You had been different people those months ago. Both of you exchanged grimaced solemn looks, and Alexander opened his mouth, as if he were finally going to address the newfound tension between the two of you.

"Y/N!" Bethany shouted, as she slammed the door to the entryway open and clamored into the manor awkwardly lugging a large suitcase. Your face immediately snapped to your sister's in a forced and bright smile, leaving whatever Alexander was about to say to you forgotten.

Your body propelled itself forward without accord and soon Bethany was dropping her suitcase as she giggled and reciprocated your tight grip around her.

"I missed you so much, Y/N," Bethany mumbled into you, but your mind barely registered it. You were just so focused on how numbered your embraces with Bethany were from here on out, and so you clung so tightly to this one you had.

Eventually, Bethany pulled away, laughing a little more and wiping tears from her eyes. She brought her hand up to your face as well, and you flinched, but then she began wiping away the tears you didn't even realize had fallen. You offered her as much of a smile as you could, and she gave you the most mature smile you had ever seen from her. Her face softened but her eyes went sad.

With a soft voice, she whispered solemnly, "We have a lot to talk about."

Your eyes clouded for a split second, your mind immediately wandering to the worst, but then Aremine strolled into the house authoritatively, ordering something from one of the servants standing at the door, and you watched as Bethany visibly stiffened, but forced a pleasant look onto her face.

And then you came back to reality of where Bethany had been, what she knew now, and your instructions and admission you made before she had left. You and Alexander may have been the least of her worries. Your sister was beginning to learn the full extent of the true nature of your mother. Your stomach turned as you felt slightly guilty for it. You had forced your sister to grow up. And you were about to do it again.

But instead of saying anything more in front of your mother, Bethany instead just gave you a pointed look, and then turned her attention to behind you.

"Alexander!" she greeted with a warm smile, and the guilty feeling in your stomach tripled as you turned to watch the couple's embrace. Alexander had effortlessly flipped back into Bethany's Choice and gracefully spun her off her feet with a laugh when she hugged him. You weren't sure how he was able to just… do that.

But before anyone could catch your perturbed expression, you quickly became self aware and morphed your face into an endearing expression just in time. Bethany spun back to you with an absolute look of delight on her face as soon as Alexander set her down.

"I trust you took good care of him?" she asked teasingly. You didn't trust your voice, so instead you offered a silent nod and ignored the way Alexander stared at you from behind Bethany's back.

"Come Alexander," Bethany announced after a moment, breaking you both out of your trances. "I'm excited to see what the two of you picked out for my ballgown," she continued, tugging at Alexander's arm to pull him away. He broke his eye contact with you, and smiled down at Bethany as he allowed himself to be led away. It was the first moment since Bethany had walked through the door that a bit of his guilt showed on his face.

You watched as they walked away silently. When they turned down the end of the hall, you shuddered back into reality and looked around you. You realized your mother had already retreated to her office without a word.

It was time.

With a deep breath, your feet began to trudge through the maze of hallways towards your mother's office. It was like your body was fighting itself, but you forced it to keep going. You had to do this. For the people. For the sector.

The door was open when you arrived and your mother was reading through the first of what was stack of papers that had built up in the past three months. She stood motionless as her eyes roamed the page she held, and you considered your next move. Clenching your eyes shut, you took a shaky breath, and then confidently stepped into the room and closed and locked the door behind you.

Your mother's eyes shot up to you with a surprised disgust, as you were sure she didn't expect anything from you in the first moments she returned, but you held steady and raised your chin slightly. Willing your voice to not betray your fear, you took a step forward and began.

"I have a deal for you, Mother."