So Far From Grace [6/6]
Summary: A raid on a Sandstorm location goes wrong and Kurt blames himself

Waited a thousand years
I'll wait a thousand more
Come to my rescue baby
Only your love can save me
You're all I need it's true
- The August Empire | True

"Why did you do this?" Kurt said, "you adopted Ian and Alice… you could've given them a normal life. Why put them through this?"

He could not stop looking at the walls; as sick as it made him feel, he still had a million questions he wanted to ask.

"I didn't put them through anything," Shepherd replied, "I gave them a life."

"That is no life," Kurt said disgustedly, "especially not one for children who had gone through what they had gone through."

"It was the only life they could've had," Shepherd said, "you don't know what would have happened to them if any of the other agents had taken them into their programs."

"Other agents? Programs?" Kurt asked, "I thought you were one of the soldiers who rescued them? That you adopted them?"

"There's so much we need to talk about, Kurt," Shepherd said, a cold smile spreading across her face.

"Then talk," Kurt said.

Shepherd nodded, and then slowly, she walked over towards the small balcony that opened up from the room. She stepped outside, and Kurt followed her.

"I think it's time you learn about the Truman Protocol."

Reade and Patterson were the only two agents who could go back to the NYO without raising any questions. Tasha was supposed to have delivered Roman to a facility he never showed up to, and Jane and Nas technically no longer worked there. And yet, they did not know who to trust. No one could know they were raiding Shepherd's house because they did not know where a leak could come from. And if Shepherd knew what they were up to, she would have time to get away. And she would kill Kurt.

The plan had to be bullet proof and top secret.

Patterson would pretend to crack a tattoo case and Reade would assemble the team, without disclosing their actual destination. Read and Patterson would lead the team to the location, but they will not raid it until the others find their way into the Fortress. Jane, Roman, Nas and Tasha would access the location through the tunnels and ambush Shepherd. And Rich would stay put at Kurt's apartment and run point from there. There was a general consensus that he was a flight risk, but Nas found a solution to that. First, he was now wearing a brand new ankle monitor that would blow his foot off if he went out of the apartment. And if he tried to hack that, his system was flooded with the tracking isotope.

Rich and Patterson had hacked into the Fortress's surveillance feeds and a few hours later, after they'd assessed the situation and put down their plan, they were ready to go.

Patterson and Reade went back to the office, while the others headed towards a storage unit that Nas owned that she promised would easily arm them with everything they needed.

"What's the Truman Protocol?" Kurt asked her impatiently.

"Well, Kurt," Shepherd said calmly, "The Truman Protocol is the single most well kept secret of the US government. It is also its greatest military and political achievement to date."

"It is an insurance policy, of sorts," Shepherd explained, "the system that holds the system, makes sure it stays in place."

"I don't understand," Kurt said.

"Of course you don't," Shepherd replied, "because I haven't essentially said anything."

Kurt shook her head. "You do realize that if the people behind the Protocol ever find out this conversation ever took place we'd both disappear off the face of the Earth. And not just disappear. they would make it as though we never even existed. After all, you and I, we're just small pieces of a much much bigger puzzle. And who will notice if a few pieces go missing? Especially when there's always replacement pieces ready to take our places at any time?"

"What are you saying?" Kurt said.

"You were angry when you found out I'd been paying your school tuition, weren't you? When you realized your entire life had been controlled and orchestrated by someone else, right?" Shepherd asked him, her tone still calm and relaxed.

Kurt nodded. "Well, prepare to be enraged when I tell you that I was just following orders," Shepherd said.

"You see, I'm just like you," she explained, "a humble servant of a greater system. As were Remi and Roman. The only difference is, I knew that. I signed up for the assignment. You three did not."

"What are you saying? What's the Truman Protocol?" Kurt asked, "what does it have to do with me? With Jane and Roman?"

"The people behind the Truman Protocol believed that the country needed many lines of defense," she said, "many different ways to ensure its safety, maintain its power and sustain its existence. And they believed that the final line of defense needs to be invisible, unknown, even to those who are chosen to be that line of defense."

"And we're-"

"It needed people who were trained soldiers, more skilled and more deadly than any other soldier in the world. It needed scientists who were smarter than anyone else in the world. It needed diplomats and writers and artists, all of whom needed to possess skills and talents that were unmatched by anyone any where in the whole world," she explained, "Remi and Roman? They were the ultimate specimens of soldiers. We searched the whole world to find them. The criteria and the standards were set so high, and when I met them in South Africa… I knew they'd be the ones."

"Are they the only ones?" Kurt asked.

"Oh no," Shepherd replied, "not at all. There were so many before and have been so many more since. You see, I'm a training agent. It was my job to identify at least five potential candidates, children, and train them. But I am just one of many other agents."

"What happened to the others?" Kurt asked.

"Others?"

"You said five candidates?" Kurt asked.

"Oh, the other two are… well, they're dead," she said, "I believe one of them spent some time in your FBI morgue. You remember Markos, right?"

Kurt nodded.

"There have been many success stories over the years," Shepherd said, "a lot of candidates have been placed in important positions, just where they need to be, doing the jobs they need to be doing."

"The system works, Kurt," she said, "it really does."

"But you three," Shepherd sighed proudly, "you three are the greatest achievements the Protocol has ever seen. You're the stars."

"If you think it's such a great thing, then why are you doing this? Why are you trying to bring the country down?" Kurt asked.

"Oh, you think I've gone rogue? That I'm going against the Protocol?" Shepherd said, a menacing smirk on her lips, "no, no, no. Kurt, don't you see? This is all part of the Protocol. I'm still a loyal agent. I'm just following orders."

"You mean… you're saying the government is orchestrating a terrorist attack against itself?"

"Well, yes and no," Shepherd said, "The Truman Protocol is the government, but it's also not exactly the government. Do you know what I mean?"

Kurt shook his head. "No, not really," he said.

"Every experiment needs to be tested," Shepherd said, "you are the experiment. Well, we are. Each agent gets to a point where theie candidates are put to the final test. This is your final test. If you succeed, then my work would be done. And the protocol would be put into action. All this… all of it has been in the making for the past thirty years. And we're all just playing our parts."

Jane stood in the middle of the storage unit. Nas wasn't kidding when she said she had all they needed. The place put the NYO armory to shame. She was loading her vest when Roman came to stand by her; all geared up and ready to go.

"You ok?" She asked him gently.

Roman just nodded. She knew it was a stupid question. She knew exactly how he was feeling because she was feeling the same way, and it was not at all ok. It was very far from ok. And while she had had a longer time to come to terms with how she felt about Shepherd, and she had spent countless nights imagining how this could go down, she could still feel a heaviness in the pit of her stomach.

And she was still living with the lie that she'd told Roman; that it was Shepherd who had wiped his memory.

"We stay together when we get there," she told him, "we stay together and we will get through it together."

Roman nodded. "I know it's not going to be easy," she said, "and there could be a lot there to trigger memories, for the both of us, so we need to lean on each other, we need to watch out for each other and have each others' backs."

Roman nodded again. "We can do this," he said, "together."

And then he reached for her, pulling her closer, he hugged her.

"We can do this," she whispered to him again.

"And we're going to get Weller back," he said.

She pulled back and looked at him. "He's a really good guy," Roman said, "and I think I kinda like him."

Jane shook her head and chuckled, remembering Kurt's almost identical confession from a few weeks back.

"Oh, yeah?" she teased, "you like him?"

Roman shrugged. "It's not like I know that many people, in the world," he told her, "but don't worry. He's not my type," he smiled at her, "and I won't get in your way. I mean, I don't like him the same way you like him."

She shook her head and elbowed him in the ribs. "Come on," she said, "Nas and Tasha are waiting."

"You should have seen Remi before the memory wipe," Shepherd said, "she was something else."

Shepherd had decided they should get something to eat. She was uncomfortably calm about this whole thing, and with Kurt left trying to wrap his mind around everything she'd told him, he just found himself sitting at a dining table having grilled cheese sandwiches and a coffee.

Kurt looked up from the sandwich he'd been staring at without actually eating. "She still is," he told her.

Shepherd shook her head and took a sip from her coffee, "not really," she said, "Remi was… phenomenal."

"I'm pretty sure I still like Jane more," Kurt replied.

"Like?" Shepherd said with a raised eyebrow, "I think you're lying to yourself, Kurt. What you feel for Jane is a little bit more than like. Admit it."

Kurt looked back down at his sandwich. "It doesn't really matter anymore. Does it?" he said.

"It most certainly does," Shepherd argued.

"No, it doesn't," Kurt said, "we are way beyond the point where it would make any difference."

Shepherd watched him for a moment, an amused grin on her face. "Wouldn't you at least admit it?" she asked.

But Kurt said nothing, just continued to stare at the sandwich in his plate.

"Just say it Kurt," she said, "if it doesn't make a difference either way, then just say it. It's only three words."

"Why?"

"I just want to hear you say it," Shepherd said, "and I think it would do you really well to hear yourself say it. I have a feeling you won't even let yourself admit it to yourself. Am I right?"

Kurt shook his head. He looked up at her and laughed. This day was just getting weirder and weirder.

"I love her," he said, his voice barely a whisper, "I love Jane."

"Good."

It was almost twelve hours after he'd met Shepherd at the cemetery when Kurt heard the first gun shot.

And then, all hell broke loose. The first of them came from inside the house, or so he heard one of Shepherd's men say, and then before they knew it, the house was surrounded. And the FBI raid on Sandstorm was in full effect."

It took twenty minutes for the first agent to declare the first "All clear!"

"Two down."

"Three down here."

"Basement is clear."

And one by one, the Sandstorm operatives either fell, or were arrested and dragged out.

And then, Nas spoke into her comms. "Anyone got Shepherd?"

"Not here."

"Not here."

"Not here."

And then, Patterson said, "Where's Weller?"

"Anyone got Weller?"

"No one's seen neither Shepherd nor Weller!"

"Rich! Help us out here!" Tasha said, talking to the hacker who was still back in New York.

"On it," Rich said, "just give me a minute."

"We don't have a minute!" Tasha yelled through her comms, "Shepherd is missing and so is Kurt."

"Ok, ok!" Rich said, "I don't have Shepherd, but I have Kurt moving very very quickly three kilometers north west of the Fortress. Jane, you're closest!"

"We're on our way!"

"Quickly, Jane!" Rich said, "bring him back!"

Eight Hours Earlier

"Jane," Rich turned to her, for the first time ever, his tone serious, "you do believe me that I won't run."

Nas was getting the isotope ready and the ankle monitor was already in place.

"Yes," Jane said, "I do believe you. But you understand why we have to do this."

Rich nodded. "Yeah," he said, "I know that. I'm not asking that you don't do it. But I just want you to know that I am all in. I am committed to this. I would never abandon you or Kurt. Not right now. I promise."

Jane smiled fondly at him, genuinely shocked at his admission. "Than you, Rich," she said.

"Now it's your turn to promise something," Rich said.

"Ok," Jane said, "as long as it isn't-"

"Be careful out there," Rich said seriously, "be careful and bring Kurt back."

Jane nodded. She was not expecting any of that from Rich. "I promise," she whispered.

"And one more thing," Rich said.

"What?"

"When you get back, you get straight to making many many many babies."

Jane shook her head, "and he's back," she mumbled. She shook her head and walked away.

"Promise me, Jane," Rich pretended to call after her dramatically, "promise me!"

"Shepherd!" Kurt yelled out as he closed in on the escaping terrorist, "STOP!"

He was unarmed and running blindly after her, but there was no way he was going to wait. "There's no where for you to go! Just stop!"

He was still about fifty meters behind her, but suddenly, she stopped. "I'm not going to prison, Kurt," she said, slowly turning around to look at him.

"I'm pretty sure you don't have much of a choice right now," he said, "we have the place surrounded."

"This is not how it was supposed to end," she said.

And then she pulled out a gun.

And she took a step towards him; her gun pointed straight at Kurt. "But I do still have you," she said as she took another step forward.

"You're not getting away with this," he said and quickly launched himself at her, managing to disarm her. But Shepherd was not going down without a fight. And Shepherd knew how to fight. With a couple of moves, she manages to get out of Kurt's hold, and just as quickly, she pulled a knife from her boot and had her arm wrapped around Kurt's neck, blade pressed firmly against his jugular. "Do you think the FBI will give me a deal in return to sparing their precious Kurt Weller?"

"PUT IT DOWN!" it was Jane, walking carefully towards them, gun raised and aimed at Shepherd. "Hello, Jane," Shepherd said, "it's so nice of you to join us."

"Put the knife down," Jane repeated, "drop it. Get down on your knees. Put your hand behind your head."

"Now, now," Shepherd said, "is that a way to talk to your mother?"

"You're not-" Jane started but then forced herself to stop, to focus on what was happening now, not to let Shepherd manipulate her.

"I said, put it down," she repeated, "you know I can make the shot."

"Of course you can make," Shepherd said, her voice still calm, "I would be terribly disappointed if you don't."

"Then put it do-"

"And I'm sure you know that I could still cause enough damage to his jugular for you to require two body bags," Shepherd replied.

Jane looked at Kurt, locking her gaze with his. They both knew she was not lying.

"Put the gun down, Jane," Shepherd said.

She kept her eyes fixed on Kurt, and he shook his head, the same way he'd done that first day they were out in the field, when Chao had a knife to his throat and Jane had her gun on Chao.

So much had happened since then.

She kept her eyes on Kurt and understood what he was telling her. He wanted her to take the shot, that no matter what, taking Shepherd down as the main objective, even it meant Shepherd would take him down with her.

Kurt was ready to sacrifice his life for the cause.

But Jane wasn't. She wasn't ready to do that. She was not ready to lose him.

"Put it down, Jane," Shepherd repeated, and when Jane wouldn't look at her, when she wouldn't put her gun down, she pressed the knife just a little closer. And Kurt flinched. Shepherd smirked, "if you love him, you'll put that gun down."

A single tear rolled down Jane's cheek. "I'm sorry," she whispered, her eyes still locked with Kurt's, "I'm so sorry."

And she tightened her grip on the gun, just for a moment, before she brought it down and let it fall to the ground next to her.

"Well, isn't that adorable," Shepherd said, "who would have thought that you wou-"

BANG!

The single gun shot echoed loudly and then everything went dead silent. The knife against Kurt's neck fell, and then slowly, so slowly, Shepherd turned around, blood staining her shoulder, and looked behind her at the shooter.

"Roman?"

The young man stood just a few meters behind her, gun still raised and aimed at his mother.

"My sweet Roman," Shepherd said as she fell back and hit the ground with a thud.

Jane picked up her gun and quickly ran towards Shepherd and Kurt, going to her knees and kneeling above Shepherd next to Kurt. They both watched as Roman took another step forward, gun still pointed at Shepherd. "Why'd you do it?" Roman asked, his eyes red and puffy, hers falling down his face.

"Why'd I do what?" Shepherd asked, her breathing becoming heavy and tired, failing to notice that both Kurt and Jane had their hands pressed against her gun shot wound, controlling the bleeding.

"Why'd you wipe my memory? Why'd you do this to me?"

Shepherd looked at him in shock, and then she turned to Jane. She smiled. And then, she turned back to Roman. "I'm sorry," she whispered, "I didn't have any other choice. I didn't know how else to help you. It was the only way to take away your pain."

She turned to Kurt then, and she whispered, "you were wrong about one thing," she said, "I do love my children."

Roman took one more step towards her, still aiming his gun. But a moment later, Shepherd's eyes closed and she lost consciousness. "It's ok, Roman," Jane said, "you can put the gun down now."

"You could've made that shot," Kurt said as he walked slowly towards her.

Things had been crazy after they got Shepherd, but now that she was finally on her way to the hospital, everyone felt they could breathe for a moment. Jane was standing next to the fallen tree, the same one Shepherd had taken Kurt to when they first arrived.

"I could've," she agreed as she turned around towards him, "but you wouldn't be standing here now."

Kurt smiled and nodded appreciatively. "How's Roman?" he asked.

"He'll be fine," she said, "it was all a little bit overwhelming. But he's better now. He's with Tasha and Patterson right now."

"Good," he said.

He closed the distance between them and came to stand next to her, shoulder to shoulder, as they looked out towards the the large estate as the sun was setting. In any other situation, it would have been quite the romantic setting.

"And how are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm fine," she said, turning to him briefly to give him a confident nod, "I guess it'll take some time for it all to sink in. After everything we've been through…"

"I know what you mean," he said, "it's been quite a day."

"It's been quite a year," she said and they both chuckled.

"That's for sure," he agreed.

They stood silently for a few minutes, and then she turned around to notice that it was slowly getting more and more empty. All of Shepherd's men had been taken away and crime scene units were going over every inch of the house and the surrounding structures. "Do you want to head back?" she asked, "I think the team are ready to gather up and leave."

He turned around to have a look himself and then turned back to look at her. "Yeah," he said, "not just yet."

"Ok," she replied.

"There's one more thing," he said, his voice dropping, "about what happened out there with-"

Jane shook her head, "Kurt, you don't need to-"

"No, I do," he said, "I've spent the last hour trying to come up with the right things to say and how to-"

"Please, Kurt, you don't need to," Jane whispered, her head dropping against her chest.

"Will you please let me finish," Kurt urged her.

Jane nodded, but still, she would not look at him.

"I don't know if you put your gun back there because Shepherd was right or because… and I don't care if…"

He suddenly stopped talking, and if he wasn't already making Jane nervous, he was then. She finally looked up at him and found him staring at her.

"I love you, Jane," he said suddenly, "and I understand if you do-"

And in a split second, she'd thrown herself into his arms, holding onto him tightly. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her even closer. She looked up at him, and before he could say anything, she was kissing him.

"I love you, too," she whispered against his lips, when she pulled back just long enough to say those words before it was his turn to kiss her.

Three Months Later

It was a special kind of prison in which they kept people like Shepherd. She knew too much and had done too much, but in a weird twisted way, she was still a valuable asset for the US government. She would never be a free woman again, but she would still be in one way or another, serving her country.

She didn't get many visitors, though. The peculiarity of her situation made her existence top secret, with only those with the highest clearances in the know. And there was one person who was allowed to visit her; her handler.

She was enjoying the bright and warm spring sunshine in the small yard when he came to visit her. It was only his third visit and something about this one felt a little less formal. The first two were all about signing all the paperwork and determining the frameworks of her new situation. But when he walked out into the yard, hands free of any files or documents, she knew he wanted to talk about something else this time.

"The alliance wants to thank you," he said as he walked up behind her.

She closed her eyes and smiled as the warm rays of sun hit her her face. "They sure do have a funny way of showing it," Shepherd replied, turning around to face him.

"You knew how this could end from the day you signed up," he said.

"I sure do, Director Pellington," Shepherd said, walking closer to the man who'd recruited her; the man who'd always been her handler, "if I'm not mistaken your exact words were, there are only two ways this could end. When you've completed your mission, you'll either be in a body bag or an orange jumpsuit. Neither the Alliance nor the government will ever confirm a word you would say."

"You've got a good memory, Agent Briggs," Pellington said.

He looked around the small yard for a moment, "well, I'm off," he said, "if you need anything just ask your Monday afternoon guard. He's one of us."

"Wait," she called after him, "can I ask you something?"

"Ok," Pellington said, "I can't promise an answer though."

Shepherd nodded, "what's going to happen to Roman and Remi?"

"They'll be fine," he said, "I can't say more."

"And Weller?" She asked, knowing she was pushing her luck now.

"His card is still in the game."

For the first time in her life, Shepherd fell a chill run through her. She nodded. "Will you make sure he… it's just… can you-"

"Don't worry Agent Briggs," Pellington said, a dark menacing smirk forming on his lips, "we're quite capable of taking care of our star pupil. After all, he's still the face of the franchise. And we're only just getting started."