Kouma Cutie, Kazuma Baka

or

Kazumin Junk?

A Konosuba oneshot

By

EvilFuzzy9

Rating: T

Genre: Humor

Characters/Pairings: Kazuma, Megumin; [maybe KazuMegu teasing]

Summary: Kazuma and Megumin walk and talk. Or maybe it's flirting, who can say?

"Hey, Megumin. Can I have a look at your—?"

"You may not."

"Oh, come on. You didn't even let me finish!"

A pair of penetratingly red eyes turned on Kazuma, a stern and wholly unamused face glowering at him. Megumin of the Crimson Magic clan gave the effective leader of their merry band a skeptical, even outright mistrustful look. She put on hand to her chest.

"You were about to request a glimpse of my unmentionables," she said with unflinching certainty. "Or something still more indecent."

"Oi, oi... do I really come across that badly?" Kazuma said, cringing. "I'm not really like that, you know..."

"Prevarication will not change the content of your character," Megumin replied. "Nor shall any amount of pleading lead me to reassess my analysis. Have I not known you long enough to guess the true measure of your heart? It's blacker than coal, and filthier than a boar's reeking—"

"Okay, enough!" Kazuma exclaimed. "I get it! No need to lay on the abuse, alright? This shut-in has feelings too, you know."

Megumin smirked, and she looked away.

"It is not to say that I mightn't choose to show you something, if it pleases my fancy," she added. "But it shan't be at your command, Kazuma. I shall do it, if I do it, because I desire to do it of my own will, and for no other cause."

"There's no need to keep it up with that delusional talk. I get tired just listening to you."

"I enjoy this manner of elocution. It places all due emphasis on the superiority of my intellect."

Kazuma made a face.

"If you were really so smart, you'd put points into something other than Explosion. Or at least pump up your mana so you can use it without immediately being taken out of the fight."

"I shall not do the former," said Megumin. "And I have been investing in my mana pool. It has... just had less effect than I hoped."

"Right," Kazuma said. "Of course it has."

He sighed.

It really wasn't fair. He hadn't been a bad person, right? That is to say, he hadn't been particularly virtuous, but he also hadn't been really mean or unfair. What kind of messed up karma did a guy need to wind up in his place? Had he made a habit of drowning puppies in a previous life, or something?

Despairingly, he looked at Megumin.

She met his gaze and squirmed. Her cheeks reddened.

"D-Don't look at me like that. It's scary... Are you undressing me with your eyes?"

"Ehh? Why would I want to undress a little kid?"

Megumin scowled.

"I... I'm not little..." she muttered. "They've grown a little bigger, recently... before long, I'm sure I'll have left Yunyun in the dust."

"Ehhh?" Now it was Kazuma's turn to give her a skeptical look. "I don't buy that. You'd need one heck of a growth spurt before you can—"

Megumin conked him over the head with her staff. Most of the passersby didn't give them so much as a second look.

"Must I show you to prove that it has happened as I say, Kazuma?"

"What'll that prove?" he wondered. "Unless you're tying them down, I don't see how taking off your dress would convince me your boobs had—"

"Whoever said I would be undressing?" Megumin asked, her face beet red. She looked fiercely around the street. "I am an archwizard of the Crimson Magic clan, not some—some—stripper!"

"Oh, do they have those in this world, too?" Kazuma said. "Huh. Not that I ever got to see one in Japan, of course..."

Megumin conked him again.

"Deviant," she muttered. "Why would you want to see my... b-bosom without any clothes, anyway?"

"I don't, particularly," Kazuma said, shrugging. He cupped his chin. "But they say a man should gather a lot of different life experiences, right? I wouldn't say no if you offered... at least, if we were somewhere private."

He looked around, taking in the markets of Axel.

Megumin twitched.

"It does not flatter a woman for her charms and dignity to be treated so lightly," she said warningly.

"That's fine, that's fine," replied Kazuma. "I'm not trying to flatter you."

Megumin conked him a third time.

"I'll blow you up, if you say that again."

Kazuma blinked dazedly, finally starting to feel the effects of those smacks to the head.

"Eh? You'll blow me...?"

Megumin's face turned redder than her eyes. But she restrained herself with a sharp intake of breath.

"It was my fault for employing that expression," she told herself. "I'll let him off this time."

Kazuma frowned and picked a bit of wax from his ear.

"Huh? You'll get me off with...?"

She glared at him.

"Now you're doing it on purpose."

"Maybe a little," Kazuma conceded. "But what's a little teasing between friends?"

Megumin's eyes burned like the heart of a towering inferno, and sparks seemed to swirl around her staff like it was a brand freshly cast into the fire. The air crackled with the promise of a lightning bolt, and her face twisted in a black fury.

"Eh...eheh... okay," Kazuma said. "I'll lay off it. Just, please don't blow me. Up. Blow me up, I mean. Don't blow me up."

He blushed and chuckled at his momentary verbal misstep.

"Blacker than black, and darker than dark... Abyssal flames, pour forth from thy vessel. Consume this tawdry world and let it be known... I am—!"

Kazuma yelped and darted backwards up the street, striking a fearful pose.

"P-P-Please don't blow me up, most kind and gracious Lady Megumin!" he squeaked. "My sincerest and most humble apologies, your marvelous explosiveness! Y-Y-You look beautiful today. It's only n-natural with that womanly figure of yours."

"Mm... That's better. I'll accept your apology, this time." Megumin smiled. "You can look forward to paying me back when we return to the mansion."

And she gave him an enigmatically inviting smile before turning and strutting down the street.

Kazuma blinked.

He had a feeling he'd just tripped a flag more dangerous than the Winter Shogun, yet he couldn't find it in himself to regret it.

A/N: Just a short, stupid thing I churned out in an hour and a half before work yesterday.

Updated: 3-12-17

TTFN and R&R!

– — ❤