As you sat on the bed alone in a dark motel room, you wondered if you'd made the right decision. You loved Dean, he lit up everything around him, before the mark took him—before Crowley twisted him. You thought that if you stayed with him through the darkness, you could be a reminder of that light for him.

A FEW MONTHS AGO

You would've followed Dean to the homeless encampment. That morning, he asked you—begged you for something for the first time ever. Dean never asked you for anything.

"You have to stay in the bunker Y/N. Please."

"Dean, listen, you can use me. I can be a distraction—or I can cover your back."

"No Y/N… You don't understand." Dean's voice started to break. "You see, I haven't told Sammy this yet… But the blade, it's doing something to me."

You closed your eyes and brought up the topic you'd been avoiding. "I know it's been making you sick Dean. I've heard you in the bathroom at night." You touched his shoulder tenderly. "Is it getting worse?"

Dean furrowed his brows. "Wait, you've known about that?"

You looked down. "I wanted to give you the chance to tell me."

Dean held you close and you couldn't help but snuggle into the warmth of his embrace. "Y/N, I'm getting worse… Each time I hold the blade, I lose myself a little more and it's getting harder to come back." He gently fisted his fingers in your hair and you could hear his breathing hitch. "This thing with Metatron… I might survive it. But I don't think I'm coming back from it. I don't want you to see—" Dean choked back a sob. "I don't want you to see me become something I'm not."

You held him tightly and tried to reassure him as you looked up into his green eyes. "That's why I'm going with you Dean. I'm going to help you get through this. You're going to make it. You're going to survive. You're staying with me."

Dean dropped to his knees then and you sank down with him. With tears in his eyes he voiced his deepest concern. "Y/N, I'm afraid of losing control again. It doesn't matter who gets in my way anymore during a hunt or a kill and afterwards… afterwards I'm still ready to go. I want to go after the closest thing and kill it too. What if that's you? Please, I don't want you to see me like that and I don't want to hurt you. The only reason I'm letting Sam come with me is that if I manage to kill Metatron, I'm going to need him to put me down." You felt tears coming but managed to hold them at bay Dean's grip tightened on you. "Please, please Y/N. I'm begging you. Please stay in the bunker."

Silence hung heavy between you for a moment. "I will stay, but you have to come back." You wrapped your arms around him almost desperately as if that alone could keep him from going. After a moment he gently pushed you away. He kissed you before silently leaving. You tried to take comfort in the fact he didn't say goodbye. You let it give you hope.

That was until Sam came home with Dean's body in his arms. You knew instantly that he wasn't just unconscious or injured, he was dead. The horror of it hit you instantly and you fought the urge to scream and throw up at the same time.

Sam didn't seem interested in talking and that was ok with you. You tried not to think about how the bunker suddenly seemed dark, cold, and empty. All the light had been sucked out of everything. You figured Sam was still around somewhere, drowning his sorrows. You just wanted to be with Dean as long as you could. You figured it wouldn't be long until it was time to burn his body. So you curled up beside him and stroked his hair and face until you eventually fell asleep.

Suddenly, there was movement. You felt the mattress move and bolted upright. Crowley was standing across the room and Dean… Dean was actually sitting on the edge of the bed!

"Dean! Oh my God, you're alive!" You wrapped your arms around him from behind. You looked up as he turned towards you with black eyes and gasped in shock. "Dean?"

"Sorry love. Dean and I were just leaving. We'll send you a postcard. Promise." Crowley wore a smug look.

"What? No. What did you do to him Crowley?!" Your anger threatened to get the best of you. You had to bite back the urge to call Sam down with the demon knife or an angel blade.

"I did nothing. The mark however… Well it doesn't like to let go so easily." He gestured to Dean's arm and the blade. "Let's go Dean."

"No! Please, wait!" You grabbed Dean's arm and felt yourself beginning to cry. "Please Dean. Please, I just lost you. I can't lose you again." Dean blinked and his eyes returned to their normal shade of green. "Dean…"

He turned his head towards Crowley. "She comes with us or no deal Crowley."

"Fine, I could care less Dean. We all need our toys now and again." He spared a glance at you.

"Y/N, write a note for Sam. We leave in five." Dean stood up and packed a duffle.

You didn't even think about staying. As much as this would hurt Sam, you knew he would want someone to be with Dean. So you wrote a hasty note and packed some essentials as fast as you could before following Dean and Crowley to the car.

NOW

You thought back to that night. If you'd been less desperate, you might have noticed how he didn't return your embrace. Dean never even looked back at you on the way to the car. You would've noted Crowley riding shotgun and how Dean drove without even looking in the rearview mirror.

You knew Dean was just as strong as the mark and you'd hoped that a piece of his humanity would hang on just like the mark had. That hope began to die in the first week when Dean started to exclusively stop at bars and skipped diners advertising "world famous pie." You didn't drink alcohol and were forced to live off of bar food.

Dean almost never spoke to you. He mainly talked to Crowley. The only time you two were together was in the cheap motel rooms they booked. Crowley insisted on his own room and you stayed with Dean. He would still have sex with you and share a bed, but it wasn't the same. There was none of the love or tenderness from before.

The thing worst thing he did was start leaving randomly. Dean would be in the room with you when you went to sleep. But then after a couple weeks, you'd wake up to an empty room with no note and no calls or texts. It made you panic more than once. You were paranoid that he would simply leave you on a good day.

On bad days, you were still having nightmares about his death. Waking up without him next to you only made things worse. The first few times you were convinced he must have died and barely rode out the panic attacks. You learned quickly to look for his bag as reassurance. You were pretty sure Dean was more likely to leave you than his bag at this point.

Once you woke up in a panic as Dean was leaving. Instead of staying and comforting you like he would've before, he said he would be back later and walked out the door with no further explanation.

You still went out with Crowley and Dean to the bars during that first month. Even though you didn't like Dean getting drunk, you thought his early attempts at karaoke were cute. They were similar enough to something Dean would do on a dare that you could fool yourself for a moment.

You stopped going out with them when Dean pulled up to a place called "Angel's". You could smell the strippers a mile away. They both looked up at you when you said you were going to walk back to the motel and turn in for the night.

Dean looked at you like you had two heads. "What's the matter Y/N?"

Just for a moment, you thought he might actually care. Before you could answer though, he made a crude joke to Crowley.

"Yeah, suit yourself Y/N. Don't wait up." Crowley looked back at you with a smile that withered your insides.

That's what brought you here. You thought it was fitting somehow, sitting alone in the darkness. And despite the growing depression you felt trying to work its way in, you tried to be the light in the dark for Dean.