Part One

Hello, everyone!

So I was watching the two-part finale of Season 3, and I realized, though they are some of the best episodes (if not the very best) in the entire series, there is so much potential comedy...so I came up with this very affectionate parody. I hope you enjoy.

Warnings: General absurdity and OOCness.

Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin.

(In the council chambers in Camelot…)

There should have been nothing but celebration at the miraculous return of one of Camelot's best knights. Or so Arthur thought.

Of course, Uther had to screw it up.

"Did they use magic?"

"Well, I…"

"Yes or no, it's a simple enough question!"

Leon swallowed. "If I tell you the truth, will you promise not to execute me?"

(In the corridor outside Sir Leon's room…)

"From his description, I would say…that it was the Cup of Life."

Gaius took a step back as Uther let out a triumphant yell. "Aha! Finally! I've been wanting to add that goblet to my collection of incredibly powerful and dangerous magical objects for years! Now is the perfect opportunity!"

Merlin was split between astonishment that the Cup was still in existence and concern that the king of Camelot had finally lost his mind. Oh, wait…we already established that he did. About two or three decades ago.

(In the court physician's chambers…)

"The carnage they wrought…was beyond all imagining."

Dramatic pause. "Uh…Gaius? How did they fit blood from hundreds of men into that cup? I've seen it, and while it's pretty big for a goblet…it really isn't that big."

(Still in the court physician's chambers, seconds later…)

"Uther knows that the forces of the Old Religion are rising against him once more…"

"Is that any surprise? And the 'forces of the Old Religion' are comprised of his illegitimate daughter, her hot half-sister, and whatever guy she's sh…er, sleeping around with at the moment."

Gaius gave him The Eyebrow. "To quote Arthur…Shut up, Merlin. I'm not finished with my foreshadowing!"

(In a random corridor of the castle…)

"You must go alone."

"Wha…Father! Whenever I go somewhere alone, I nearly get killed by bandits or weird animals that don't look real or magical jewelry! It's not fair!"

"Then take your manservant with you! Or rather, his smart, problem-solving alter-ego; when he's around me, he's got less intelligence than you. And why would you be wearing jewelry, anyway?"

(Insert crickets chirping.)

"Father? Do you hear high heels retreating in that corridor over there?"

"Shut up, Arthur."

(In a forest in Escetir…)

Catching his breath, Arthur admitted, "Actually, we're on a quest."

"We're looking for the Cup of Life." Merlin panted.

The prince hit him. "What part of the word 'secret' do you not understand?"

"Hey, you told him we were on a quest!"

"But not what we were looking for!"

"If you'd just listened to me in the first place…"

"You think I'm to blame for us getting captured?"

"Aren't you always?"
Gwaine grinned at the still arguing pair and took a seat on the ground, leaning back comfortably against a tree. Now, this is true entertainment…If I just had some ale right now…

(In Jarl's burnt-up hideout…)

"I don't want clues!" Jarl snarled. "I want blood!"

Several of his men began to back away. They liked the money and the sport that came with slave trading, but they hadn't bargained on having an employer who was a vampire.

(Outside Cenred's castle…)

"Morgause!"

"What, Cenred?" the sorceress snapped. She didn't like being interrupted at her work, especially when there were so many men left that she had to get blood from. 101 down, a few hundred more to go…

"The Cup is overflowing already!"

She glanced down and cursed. "I thought it would magically expand! Have we got enough men to conquer Camelot already?"

"How should I know? This was your idea!"

(In the council chambers in Camelot…)

"You show great strength, my lord."

"What do you mean?"

"Day after day you must send your only son into danger!"

"Well, if I kept him here, in all his glorious, noble stupidity, he'd just be a danger to the inside of the kingdom, wouldn't he? So the more he stays on the outside, the better."

(In Cenred's castle…)

Cenred lay on the floor, gasping his last breath.

Morgause smirked and strode away. Inwardly, however, she was perturbed.

He really was good-looking…now I'll have to find another handsome man for myself…maybe Morgana knows of someone suitable…

(In the council chambers in Camelot…)

"The soldiers, Sire, they will not fall!"

"What are you saying?"

"The will not die."

Silence filled the chamber. It was so quiet you could almost hear Morgana's smirk.

Uther finally snapped. "Then get some silver bullets, you idiots!"

(In Morgana's bedroom…)

"We'll be massacred, every last one of us!" Gwen whispered, terror clear on her face.

Morgana snorted. "Hardly everyone. Who would wait on me if they did that?"

(In a random corridor…)

"Arthur, are you all right?" Merlin asked anxiously.

"Keep moving!" the prince snapped in response.

As they moved down the hallway in the opposite direction that the passing soldiers had gone, Merlin muttered, "You know, they may be immortal, but they can't be much worse than Camelot's soldiers…They don't ever look left or right, either."

"Shut up, Merlin."

(In the throne room in Camelot…)

"This in unlawful! You have no right to the throne!" Uther bellowed.

Morgause smirked. Merlin held Arthur down.

Dramatic pause.

Long dramatic pause.

Very, very long dramatic pause.

"Sister!" Morgause shouted. "Where are you?"

Morgana came tumbling into the room, her hair mussed and dress askew. At least her lipstick was perfect. "Damn!" she shrieked. "I fell asleep!" Then, mustering her dignity, she strode majestically up onto the dais. Stopping before the throne, she turned to face Uther, blinking rapidly to clear her eyes as she said grandly, "Uther, I am your father!"

(Insert crickets chirping.)

"Wait, that came out wrong…"

Morgause facepalmed.

So I didn't parody every scene...it's hard to laugh at some of them...

Anyway, Part Two should be up soon...maybe even tonight :)

Reviews always welcome.