I couldn't remember the last time I had taken my medicine. I stood looking at the half empty orange bottle on the shelf in my medicine cabinet, eying the bright plastic with an air of suspicion. At least the shaking had finally gone away.

Renee had made it seem like those little white pills would solve all my problems, and had encouraged me to take them. That was almost a year ago. There wasn't a single thing those pills had solved. Not really. The list of side effects was as long as my arm, and I reckoned that I had experienced a wide selection of them. I picked the bottle up of the shelf, the dusty lid brushing against my palm and opened it, spilling the contents into the toilet and flushing. No matter what, I won't be needing those anymore.

I shut off the light before heading back into my bedroom, shutting the door behind me and slumping back into bed. It was 2:35am now, if I could just close her eyes and sleep, I'd have 5 hours of sleep before the alarm went off in the morning. I found myself wishing that sleeping was as simple as turning off a light.

My alarm didn't wake me the next morning. Or maybe it did. I wasn't sure. The next thing I remembered was the sunlight streaming in through the bedroom window. The time on my phone read 1:45pm. I'd slept through school again.

The sinking feeling filled my chest again. My eyelids battled to stay open, but I couldn't see much point in trying. Even if I made it to school now, final period would already be underway. What would be the point? Instead of moving I pulled the blankets up, rolling over and cocooning myself in their warmth.

'I'll just get some sleep,' I whispered. 'Tomorrow will be better.'

It was dark in the room the next time my eyes opened. I hurried to switch on the lamp by the side of the bed, letting out a breath I wasn't aware I was holding as the soft yellow light illuminated the room.

Above everything, I hated the darkness. It called to me. It was unnerving. I found it easier to focus on nothingness inside me when the light was there to distract me from the dark.

Leaning back on the pillows, I stretched my legs, my prolonged sleep had made me stiff and groggy, and my mouth was dry. After a few minutes I made it out of bed to use the bathroom, taking a drink out of the faucet in there when I was done. It must have been late, the house and street were entirely silent. I went back to my room to check the time. A large gurgling sound from my stomach reminded me that I hadn't eaten since yesterday. In my room I shoved my feet into some slippers, pulled on a large baggy hoodie and slipped my phone into my pocket.

I padded slowly down the stairs, cautious to turn on the lights below before descending into the living room. A pattern that I repeated with the kitchen lights. This was no time to be testing my tolerance of the dark.

I wasted no time deciding what to make myself, and headed straight to grab a clean pot from the dishwasher, filling it with water before placing it on the stove and waiting for it to boil. All I seemed to be able to make myself anymore was pasta and pesto. It wasn't even that I liked the taste. Rather, it was the only food I trusted myself to make, and all that I could bring myself to stomach.

While the water boiled I gathered the rest of the ingredients. Pasta from the cupboard and pesto from the fridge. It was a quick meal to make, and Renee didn't seem to mind my constant consumption of pesto. It was bourgeois enough for Renee's taste.

I stood there staring off into space while my food cooked, and when it was done, I took the bowl and sat it on the coffee table, wedging myself on the floor between the table and the couch. Small spaces had always comforted me. Even more so since Renee had moved us to this monstrosity of a house on the outskirts of Scottsdale. Leaning back against the couch, the coffee table digging into my knees, the house felt smaller. It felt more like home.

It didn't take long, less than five minutes really, before the food started to sit funny in my stomach. I put another piece of pasta in my mouth, hoping it was just the hunger that was making me feel so full, but I ended up chewing the single piece of noodle for so long that I could barely swallow it without gagging. I set the half full bowl of pasta down and tugged the sleeves of the hoodie down, rubbing the soft fabric against my eyes. The uncomfortable feeling was still in my stomach, I shifted her position slightly, pulling my phone out of my pocket as she did. I had 4 voicemails and a number of unread texts from her mother. I ignored the voicemails for now, but opened the messages.

Morning Bella, have a great day at school.

Bella, are you awake? Please reply so I know you got to school today.

You had better not be ignoring me young lady. I might not be in town this week but I am still your mother. You cannot miss another day of school Bella. You know this.

Bella. Mrs Grimaldi just called. You skipped school again. Call me, please darling. You're not in trouble, but I need to talk to you.

I looked at the messages on the screen for a few moments after I had finished reading them. Renee was good at hiding her anger. But her disappointment in me was glaringly obvious. Her assurance that I wasn't in trouble was thinly veiled at best. I knew I was becoming a liability. I had overheard Renee's conversation with the principal last week.

I felt myself sinking slowly into a deeper sadness. There was nothing I could do. I was aware of the consequences of my actions, but there was nothing left within me to stop myself repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Tears stung my eyes. I tried desperately to blink them away, for all the good that did. They slipped down onto my cheeks anyway and I was forced to wipe them away with the sleeve of my hoodie.

I was trying to be better. I just didn't know how I could try any harder.

I stood up, before I cried any more and took my bowl back to the kitchen, cling wrapping the remainder of my meal. At least I wouldn't have to cook the next time I got hungry.

My pan was discarded on the counter, but I had no energy left inside me to clean it right now. I moved it to the sink, giving the illusion of a clean kitchen. I could deal with it tomorrow. Right now I just wanted to go to bed.

I pulled out my phone as a distraction while I walked upstairs, leaving the lights on until I was clear of the room before plunging it into darkness. I typed a reply to my mom as I walked.

I'll make sure I go tomorrow.

In my bedroom I crawled into bed without changing my clothes. I didn't bother with brushing my teeth, or turning out the light. I just wanted to be under the covers, lying still. Then I could think about sleeping.

This time I woke up incredibly early. The time on my phone read 4:40am. I set my phone on the pillow beside me, shuffling back beneath the blankets to conserve heat. I had to try to go to school today.

I stayed lying in bed for as long as I possibly could. At 7am by phone buzzed, reminding my it was time to get up. Ten minutes later I begrudgingly obliged, heading to the bathroom to shower. I needed too, I couldn't remember the last time I had washed. It must have been three or four days ago at the very least. I couldn't face the publicity of school without making sure I smelled like a functioning human. It didn't matter that I wasn't.

The shower didn't make me feel any better, although I know it meant I was clean. When I was done, I pulled on my robe and wrapped a towel around my head. The covers called to me when I entered the room. The air was cold against my skin from the shower. I got back into bed just for a few moments, to warm myself up.

The next thing I knew it was sunset.

The damp towel had unravelled itself from my head while I slept, and was draped across the pillows. I moved it gingerly and placed it on the floor. Taking a cursory glance at my phone as I did. I had twice as many missed calls and unanswered texts as yesterday. Only today I didn't bother to read them. I just left my phone on the nightstand where it was.

I got up to dress in clean pyjamas, and made myself a large glass of water, which I drank almost immediately and refilled before heading back upstairs. I wasn't tired now so much as just groggy. It was as if I was existing only half awake. Back in my bedroom I set the water down on my nightstand and placed my laptop next to it, finding a documentary series about the Arctic to try to hold my attention. I lay back on the pillows, not really watching as much as simply listening to the narrator's voice. I finished the water. After that there didn't seem much point left in trying to stay awake.

"I'll try again tomorrow."

It was morning again. Not as early as yesterday. I considered getting up and going to school. I really did. I lay under my blanket looking at the ceiling, wishing that the simple act of getting myself out of bed and driving myself to school wasn't something I was incapable of.

But it was. I rolled over. It was better if I didn't look at the clock. I napped lightly throughout the day. Kidding myself that I could do this, that getting up and out of bed and dressing myself and brushing my teeth and packing my bag and going to school was the easiest thing in the world was all well and good. But I was wrong. I couldn't even do those things. I couldn't function properly. I could barely even exist.

I knew I had slept until evening again. And not just because of the lack of sunlight. The light from the streetlights was the only thing lighting the room. My laptop was over on my desk, and a fresh glass of water was on the nightstand. I freaked out for a second, before checking the date on my phone and realising that it was Friday already, and mom was clearly back from her business trip.

I chugged the water. My mouth was dry again from all the sleep. I sat up in bed for a second, intending to get up and use the bathroom. But a faint murmuring stopped me. I stayed still, trying to listen, but the sound was too far away. I crept out of bed and opened my door slightly. Renee was downstairs, talking loudly to someone on the phone. It didn't take long for me to find out who it was she was talking to.

"I just don't know what to do anymore Charlie. I can't be here all the time."

"I know, I know. I'm just not sure what else I can do. I need to travel for work. And she clearly needs more involved help than I can give her."

I felt incredibly guilty for listening in on my parents conversation about me. But I couldn't stop myself. I hated change. Hated surprises. Somehow I knew that if I listened now, something in the future wouldn't be such a shock.

"Yes. Its either that or the other option. Not that I think that is an option at all. We have to try it."

"I know. You think this is easy for me Charlie? Knowing there's nothing I can provide to help her?"

"I'm aware of that." Renee paused, I could hear her sighing into the phone. "Look, I'm based here for the next two weeks at least. But after that, I know I have a few trips coming up. Can you get here before I have to leave?"

She's sick of dealing with me, she's sending me to Charlie. I felt myself beginning to cry and stepped back, trying to shut my door as silently as I had opened it. I'd been feeling lousy for longer than I cared to remember, but somehow in this moment, I felt even worse. I retreated back to the safety of the bed and pulled the blankets entirely over my head. Only then did I feel safe enough to cry.

A/N

Hi there,

I've not posted anything on here in a while. I know there will be a couple of people who will be disappointed that I've begun a new story instead of continuing OtMF, but I started that story so long ago that even I'm not sure where its going anymore.

I can't promise that updates will be regular, I'm currently in grad school. But inspiration hit, and I have a good deal of the outline of this story done already, so at least I have some idea where it is going.

Thanks for reading, those of you who've made it this far.

I hope to see you soon,

Liv