Author's Note: I wrote a part 2 to this a long fricking time ago posted it on Ao3 but not on here whoops

The week after the funeral Connor slept like he hadn't for years. His parents had let him stay home from school, not like he would have gone anyway. The stacks of books and assignments, untouched on his desk, were the price he was paying. Several times he had tried to make himself focus, to work on something, but his eyes blurred, his arms ached, and he fell asleep three pages into his English novel, despite it being one of his favorites.

He knew he was depressed. That's what depression did. When it worked, you didn't.

Still, he couldn't bring himself to bring it up. His parents were still grief stricken over Evan. He didn't want to give them any worries about him as well, especially since they'd assume the worst as soon as he opened his mouth.

Even if the worst might be true.

But Connor was trying. He really was, even if he wasn't… doing anything. He wasn't going to do drugs, he was going to try in school, he was going to spend time with his family, he was going to be nicer to people even if they weren't nice to him. He was going to be better.

He just needed some… time. Some breathing room. Some space for trial and error.

Sleeping so much helped Connor forget that Evan wasn't there anymore. The only trouble was when Connor dreamt and he woke up and wanted to tell Evan about it, tell him all the stories that lurked in his mind when he was resting, the ones that evaded him when he was awake.

But of course, there was nothing.

Thankfully, his parents largely left him alone. They were working most of the time, anyway. But they didn't try to get in his space, didn't try to get him to talk about it all. Not like he'd tell them anything, anyway. It was too late for them to try to listen now.

Zoe went to school. She was still sad, though. She hardly talked. She smiled at him but never said a word, never came into his room.

Sometimes he thought he heard her crying, but then he realized that it was just her guitar.

Connor hadn't cried since the funeral. He'd been too tired.

Besides. He didn't have time for tears anymore. It's not what Evan would have wanted.

And all of this wasn't what Evan would have wanted, either. Connor snarled as he scrolled through Facebook. All these sappy professions of grief. All of them phony. None of these people knew Evan. A lot of them Connor didn't even know. It was ridiculous.

Connor knew Jared and Alana had set up the page with good intentions, but it made Connor sick. He was disgusted with all these people claiming friendship, faking concern, after Evan had died. It was too late, now. No use pretending to care about someone after they were gone. It was only self-pity, then. It was only bullshit.

Connor slammed his laptop shut before he could reply to some of the posts, before he could tell the "grievers" to fuck off and go play their pity card somewhere else. He rubbed his face and sighed. He never wanted to go back to school. Maybe he could finish the rest of the year from home. He'd probably do better, anyway. No one else around to distract him or piss him off. Yeah, that was a good plan. But now he'd have to convince his parents.

He snorted at the thought.

Zoe tapped at his door while cracking it open slightly. Connor glanced at her, puzzled, the glanced at the clock. It was already five, Friday evening, and he hadn't noticed.

Another day, lost in his thoughts.

"Hey," she said shyly with a small smile. "Can I come in?"

Connor was too baffled to refuse. "Uh, yeah, sure."

She settled in on the edge of his bed quietly. He watched her the whole time. It had probably been years since Zoe was in his room. Years. He felt pained, guilty, with that realization, a stinging deep in his chest.

"So," she started after glancing around. The awkwardness was deafening. "What have you been up to?"

Connor shrugged. "Schoolwork. Sleeping."

"Are you planning on going back on Monday?"

"Um, well, I don't really want to. But, I mean, I can't stay away forever," he confessed bitterly.

Zoe nodded and settled closer to him, seeming to tire of the small talk already.

Connor already knew what she was going to say. He'd already started leaning away, even though she'd come closer to him. He let her talk though, let her think he was okay. This was the deal.

"Look… I know you really probably don't want to talk about it or anything. It's been hard on all of us, but you most especially, I think. And I just want to know… were you and Evan really together?"

"Wait, what?"

"Heidi sent some things over. Some of your things from their house. Some of Evan's texts. Mom and dad are in the kitchen angry-whispering over them now."

"What? They can't-" he moved to get up, go storming into the kitchen right then, but Zoe put a hand on his arm.

"Connor, they're not mad at you or anything. I… don't think so, anyway. Just, talk to me, please."

Zoe was on the verge of tears, pleading with him, and her brokenness shifted something in Connor, so he felt everything inside him crumbling away and spilling out like sand.

The question hung between them for seconds that crept on like hours.

"I… he was the only person I think I ever really loved."

Zoe nodded, crying now, but quietly. She leaned back on Connor's head board, her hand still gently resting on his arm. For once, he didn't mind.

"He was my first kiss. My first… everything. Everything that mattered, anyway.

"You didn't-"

"No! No. But… almost, maybe."

The maybe settled between them like the smell of old meat.

"I… I sort of always thought he had a crush on me."

Connor laughed, a reprieve of from the sobs that threatened to overtake him. "He did."

"What?"

"Yeah, for a really long time. Something in him always loved you, even when I met him."

"But he picked you."

"No. He didn't pick me. He didn't choose me over you. It just… happened. I guess. And he cared about you, a lot. He'd been in love with you for years. A part of him always would."

Zoe smiled, as if imagining every time Evan had stuttered trying to talk to her, had asked her about her favorite music, had helped her with her Chemistry assignments.

After a while, she finally shook her head. "Well, whatever he felt for me, it was nothing compared to what he had with you."

"Zoe-"

"Everyone could see that he loved you. I just wasn't sure if it was like… that. Or if you loved him back."

"Well, I did. I am capable of that."

"I never said you weren't.

"… Connor?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you ever love me? Even a little bit?"

Connor froze. Everything he had expected Zoe to say, none of it was said. And everything she had, well. He didn't know. He never had really known his sister, he supposed.

"I… I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm not sure. I really don't know."

She nodded, the tears steady down her cheeks, but she didn't look surprised.

"But I always cared about you. I always cared that you were okay. Always. Even if… it didn't seem that way." Connor choked on his next words and was immediately embarrassed. "You're my baby sister."

His throat caught and he sobbed, the ones he had tried to hold back, but he regained himself quickly. Not before Zoe could wrap her arms around his neck and hold him tightly, thought. And then he was done for.

She was crying; he felt her tears on his neck, and he was sobbing again.

It must have been years since they'd willing hugged each other like this, one that was not only wanted but needed. For both of them. Zoe was here. Zoe was real. Zoe was crying with him. Zoe wanted to know how he felt. Zoe wanted him to know she was hurting, too.

Connor had always been amazed – and admittedly envious – of his sister. But he couldn't ever remember feeling that he needed her. Or that she needed him.

Was that love?

He wasn't sure. But he had needed Evan. And he hoped that Evan had needed him, just a little bit.

But even if he had, it hadn't been enough.

Was love ever enough? Was that really the Holy Grail, the only thing good in life? Was that it?

He didn't know. He really probably never would. But right now, with Zoe, he needed this. He wanted it. He wanted to share his feelings with his sister. He wanted to hold her when she was crying. He wanted her to pet his hair like his mom had used to when he'd fall and scrape his knee.

Even if it wasn't love, it was enough. In that moment, anyway.

At one point or another, they disentangled themselves without really realizing, and they were left lying next to each other on Connor's bed like they were kids again.

"Please don't shut me out again. I miss you. A lot. You're my big brother. It's my responsibility to thoroughly intimidate anyone you fall in love with. I didn't get a very good chance this round," she murmured softly.

Despite everything, Connor laughed. "I promise. And anyone who falls in love with you, they won't, because I'll beat them up."

She pushed him playfully, and suddenly her touch was the most familiar thing about him. He wasn't even tired anymore, and his whole head felt different.

They stayed next to each other until it was dark through Connor's window.

"How much you wanna bet they're still arguing at the table with no intention of making dinner?" Zoe wagered.

"I'd never take that bet."

"Are you going to tell them? Well, I mean, they already know, now. But are you going to officially come out?"

"I wasn't planning on it."

"They want to hear it from you. They don't know what of you is the truth and what isn't anymore. Give them a break."

Connor sighed. "I suppose…"

"Do you need help? Like, therapy, maybe. Connor?"

He froze. "Why do you ask?"

"I think I might. But… I'm a little scared. To go. To ask."

"We'll do it together."

"Really?"

"Yeah, really."

"… Okay."

"Okay."

"Are you ready?" She sat up.

"… I don't know. Don't you think it's a little late?"

"I don't think it's ever too late."

He thought about it for a moment, rubbed his eyes and yawned. "I suppose you're right."

"Of course I am."

She held a hand out for him, and he let her pull him up. But neither of them let go.

"Are you okay?"

"As of right now." He sighed loudly and she laughed. "Let's get this over with."

"Will it ever be over, though?"

After a moment he shook his head. "No, probably not. But it can get a little better."

"Why are we in the woods? It's cold, its wet, there's bugs everywhere. WHY, Connor?!" Zoe shrieked as she wrapped blanket after blanket around her to attend to her chattering. She stared at the side of their tent, which was currently being pelted with rain. Connor was already tucked in his sleeping bag, reading by flashlight.

"We're camping," he answered calming, setting down his book.

"But WHY?"

"It's my graduation present."

"I didn't give this to you."

"No, I took you out here, and your present to me is going to be to stop complaining."

She had nothing to argue with that.

"Really, though. I guess you deserve to know. Evan took me camping once."

"Last summer?"

Connor nodded. "Yeah. I hated it, sort of. But I also didn't because he was there and he was so happy, so I was happy too."

"Oh. Well, sorry to spoil your moment, but I am most definitely not happy."

"I know, that's why I told you to stop complaining."

She was quiet, remarkably. "I guess I could see why this would have made him happy. Abundance of tress. Utter lack of people. It was his kind of place."

Connor laughed brightly, though it hurt in his chest. "Yeah, It was. Sometimes, though… Sometimes I wish I could go back to last summer. I miss it. I miss him. It's been more than half a year and I still miss him."

"Me, too. And unfortunately, I don't think we'll ever stop."

"Why would we? He was the best memories I had."

Zoe studied him curiously. "You know what, I actually love this." She struggled in her blankets, furiously trying to shuck them off of herself without standing up against the low tent ceiling. Once she was free, she kneeled next to him and held out a hand. "C'mon. Let's go outside."

"Uh, it's raining."

"Do you really give a fuck?"

"We'll get everything wet."

She rolled her eyes then grabbed his arm, pulling him up. "C'mon."

"Zoe-"

"WE ARE GOING TO RUN AROUND IN THE RAIN, CONNOR MURPHY. DON'T TEST ME."

Connor gave up, laughing as she dragged him out of the tent and into the rain. His pajamas got soaked, and once they finally went back inside, everything in there got wet too, including Connor's book, but he didn't really care. Because Zoe hadn't stopped smiling.

So he fell asleep with a grin and wet hair to match.

Playlist:

Devil's Backbone / The Civil Wars

Fight to Keep / Run River North

AWOLNATION / Not Your Fault

The Death of Me / City and Colour

He's Not Here / Next to Normal

All of Me / Post Modern Jukebox

Overboard / I Could Use A Drink

Flaws (Live Acoustic Version) / Bastille