Hello! This is not connected to my other alpha!strilonde fic, as this fic assumes that Rose and Dave met on the internet as children and kept in contact as they grew up. It also assumes that Dave is an orphan and Rose has been adopted by a wealthy politician. It further assumes that Dave went to school in New York to be closer to Rose and that they are both in college. It assumes that you will enjoy this silly little oneshot and also have a nice day.
There is a better version (w color!) at AO3: tinyurl dot com slash alphafic2
- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 3:14 -
TT: Dave, if I'm not allowed out of this abysmal house in three hours, I shall have to resort to throwing myself off of the landing.
TT: Dave, I'm being serious. My darling mother hasn't been home in two weeks.
TT: My crops are flagging.
TT: My livestock are dying.
TT: And my dainty figure is rapidly imploding.
TG: does that mean i get your fancy house
TG: if youre dying i mean
TT: Oh, thank God.
TT: My knight in shining armor has arrived to whisk me away from this barren wasteland.
TG: fuck yeah I have
TG: better prepare yourself for some first rate rescuing
TT: Bring fast food when you do.
TG: shit things must be desperate
TG: do you hear that bro
TG: the lady la-fucking-londe herself has finally lowered herself to our level
TG: demanding fast food like some starving orphan
TG: quick someone prepare for damage control
TT: And cat food. We ran out of that yesterday too.
TG: wait what the fuck
TG: youve been eating cat food?
TG: why didnt you just leave
TT: Dave, I'm afraid I can't think of how else to put this.
TT: My patience has already been run thin by the frankly disgusting amount of chicken noodle soup my mother has in storage.
TT: I shall put it as simply as possible for you.
TT: Stop being an ass and bring me food.
TG: lalonde youre like a forty minute drive away
TG: and ive got to finish this essay
TT: Bullshit it.
TG: i mean
TG: i already was
TT: Bullshit it faster.
TG: jesus lalonde
TG: youre lucky i was already doing that
TG: its still going to take me a fuck while to get to your place
TG: you know
TG: because you live in the middle of the goddamn woods
TG: and im a broke college student who doesnt have a car
TT: Pity.
TT: I'll be waiting.
TT: Perhaps in anguish on the kitchen table.
TT: Or dramatically reciting soliloquies from the balcony.
TT: I haven't decided yet.
TG: ok i know your mom is like filthy rich and youve wasted your entire life being home schooled
TG: but like
TG: now that college is a thing
TG: dont you have homework or something
TT: A shocking development!
TT: Dave, I don't think you've figured out how homework works yet, your fifteen years in the American Public School System notwithstanding.
TT: I still have seventeen and a half hours before it's due.
TT: In short, I have time yet before I must scramble to bullshit it.
TG: dammit rose
TG: do your homework
TT: You're a hypocrite.
TT: Regardless, analyzing Shakespeare isn't worth the effort it takes to wrestle with a paper.
TG: i repeat: dammit rose
TG: youre trying to be a writer
TG: arent you supposed to like
TG: worship shakespeare
TG: like
TG: throwing yourself at his feet and begging to learn his secrets sort of thing
TT: No. The Bard has too many fans.
TT: He doesn't have time for them all.
TT: His feet are purely reserved for the illiterate and the exceptionally long-winded.
TT: You fit both of those categories, in case you missed that.
TG: …
TG: okay how about this
TG: you do your homework
TG: ill bring you a milkshake
TT: Fine.
TT: But make it chocolate.
- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 3:32 -
(Feel free to send constructive criticism! I'm mostly looking for pointers on how to write both of their characters. Thank you for reading!)