The village of Konoha was in uproar as the gigantic beast paraded through the streets, the nine Doritos attached to its bottom swaying around like tails. The smell of nacho cheese invaded the nostrils of the fleeing civilians and fighting Shinobi, almost poisoning them. The dust that fell from the Doritos engulfed the buildings and acted like some type of corrosive material, destroying everything in its path. From a safe distance, a lone man watched on as the Kyuubi kept using his village as its personal paradise.

This man was Minato Namikaze, the fourth Hokage of Konoha and the fastest drug dealer in all of the Elemental Nations.

Minato took a long drag of the blunt he was holding in his mouth. This day had been an absolute hell for him. His first plan was to pull the classic 'Hide and Seek' move on Kushina after she had given birth, but the Nine Tailed Doritos Fox had to attack the village of course. Minato could see the potential in his newborn son, even though it could always be the weed doing its work. That kid would be one hell of a drug dealer one day, and Minato knew it.

Letting out a sigh, Minato threw his blunt away. The moment he put that Hokage hat on he had pledged his undying loyalty for the village. He would die for the streets. He would die for his hood.

''Guess I'll have to do it without Gamabunta then...The fucker is probably throwing a mass orgy, lucky bastard...'' Minato growled out as he started to go through the hand seals. An eerie feeling dawned over Minato as the Shinigami appeared behind him. The two did their secret handshake before turning their attention towards the rampaging beast.

''Can you seal that nacho cheese bitch?'' Minato asked politely. The Shinigami nodded and pulled out two gigantic joint wraps. The Shinigami extended its hand through Minato's stomach, aiming for the Kyuubi. The beast shrunk noticeably when the death god ripped a part of its soul out, rolling it up in one of the joint wraps. Minato gritted his teeth as the Shinigami shoved the joint into his body, a seal representing a weed plant forming on his stomach.

''Almost there...''

''Minato, no!''

To say that Minato was annoyed by Kushina's sudden appearance would be an understatement.

''Bitch, back the fuck off!'' Minato shouted, ''There's no other choice! Do you think I want to seal Mr. Nacho Cheese over here inside my own son?!''

While Kushina hurried over towards Minato to hold a dramatic monologue, the Kyuubi had raised one of its hands and was aiming for the baby. Blood splattered all over the ground as the beast's claw impaled both Minato and Kushina.

''Hey Naruto...'' Minato greeted his crying son, ''I'm sorry it had to be like this, but I can tell that you're going to have all them bitches when you get older. Just make sure to deal the drugs for a good price, run from the ANBU as fast as you can and-''

''Minato, you're not turning our son into a drugs dealer.''

''Bitch, I do whatever the fuck I want.''

With his last breath, Minato forced the joint containing the other halve of the Kyuubi's soul inside Naruto. An identical weed-shaped seal appeared on the child's stomach.

On this day, a new drugs dealer had been born.

''You're not going to catch me, suckas!''

Naruto ran for his dear life as a few Chuunin were on his tail. It had been the hundred time he had skipped class, but it had always been worth it. Even though the people in the village seemed to dislike him for some reason, his stuff was some of the best you could get on the streets. He had sharp deals, a perfect balance between customer service and profit.

The other ninja's didn't like that.

It was certain that most of the Chuunin chasing Naruto where jealous of him. He knew that most Shinobi were dealers out there, it was the only way to get some good money without doing missions. Of course, as an Academy student he wasn't even allowed to deal drugs yet. You had to be at least a Genin to do that. Too bad that Naruto couldn't care less.

Taking a sharp turn around a corner, Naruto crashed into somebody. While Naruto was nursing his head, Iruka levelled the boy with the sternest gaze he could muster.

''Sup, Iruka-sensei.'' Naruto greeted his teacher with a grin.

''Naruto,'' Iruka started slowly, ''What did I tell you about dealing drugs during class again?! It's illegal! Why can't you just wait until you're a Genin and go to school like everyone else does?'' Iruka shouted.

''But school's so boring! All the other ninja deal drugs too!'' Naruto whined. His teacher's response was a sigh. Iruka grabbed Naruto by his collar and formed a hand seal with his free hand. Within the blink of an eye, the two had appeared in the classroom.

''Now go.'' Iruka commanded as he pushed Naruto into the room where the exams were held, ''It's your turn to take the exams now. ''

Grumbling to himself, Naruto entered the room. He was greeted by a smiling Mizuki-sensei. Naruto really liked the man, they had hit the bong together quite a lot, and Mizuki was one of the few ninja's who didn't punish Naruto for dealing.

''Alright, Naruto...'' Iruka started as he sat down next to Mizuki, ''To kick things off, we'd like you to perform the Bunshin no jutsu.''

'Fuck, that's my worst jutsu!' Naruto cursed in his mind. Hoping for the best, he formed the seal for the technique and a puff of smoke appeared next to him.

Instead of a clone, there was a small pool of Mountain Dew lying on the floor.

''You fail!''

''Why?! We'd start things off with this jutsu, so there's supposed to be more! So why?!''

''Because the plot says so!''

''Fuck!''

Naruto stormed out the room, ignoring the stares and curious looks his classmates were giving him. If he wanted to survive another year at the academy, he would need a blunt now.

The wind blew through Naruto's hair as he took another hit from his blunt. He was currently sitting on his balcony, enjoying the nice weather and his good weed. The climate in Konoha was perfect for growing weed plants all day long.

''Hey Naruto.''

Naruto almost dropped his blunt when he saw that Mizuki was sitting on the railing. Quickly regaining his composure, Naruto sent a questioning gaze towards Mizuki.

''Don't scare me like that, Mizuki-sensei. Did you come here for some weed?'' Naruto asked, his tone sounding a bit down. Mizuki smiled and shook his head in response.

''Not this time,'' Mizuki said as he let out a laugh, ''You know, I don't think Iruka was being fair during the exams. I'm here to give you another chance.'' Mizuki explained, his smile still on his face.

''Really?!'' Naruto exclaimed, his eyes glimmering with hope, ''What do I have to do? Tell me!''

''It's simple, really. You know where the Hokage's office is, right?'' Mizuki asked, making Naruto nod. ''There's a scroll there, the Forbidden Scroll of Blunts. It contains some of the strongest drug recipes and jutsus in existence. I need you to grab that scroll, learn a technique from it and wait for me to arrive.''

''Got it, Mizuki-sensei!'' Naruto exclaimed as he gave Mizuki a thumbs-up, ''I'm going to learn all that good stuff from that scroll! I'm going to be the best damn drugs dealer in the whole wide world!'' Naruto shouted to the heavens before darting off towards the Hokage's office.

Once Naruto was out of sight, Mizuki's smile changed into a sneer.

''Stupid Doritos child... Once I get rid of him, I will not only be hailed as a hero, I'll have the Forbidden Scroll of Blunts as well! All the bitches will be mine!''

A few people walking the streets considered calling the ANBU when Mizuki's maniacal laughter started echoing through the village.

''Well, this escalated quickly.''

Naruto had thought that this so called 'Forbidden Scroll of Blunts' would contain some type of jutsu that would teach him to grow drugs, but no. All he managed to learn during the time he had spent studying the scroll was some clone technique. Of course, there were plenty of ways to roll a blunt written down in the scroll, but that didn't interest him. He already knew his blunts were the best in all of the Elemental Nations.

''Naruto! What in the name of Hashirama's holy morning wood are you doing?!''

The blonde turned his head to see Iruka approaching him. The Chuunin looked as if someone had shit on his shrooms, which meant he had to be pissed.

''What I'm doing?'' Naruto repeated, ''I'm learning some jutsu from the scroll, like Mizuki-sensei told me to. The old man told me that I should respect my elders, and always comply with their request when it involves drugs. He told me that I should hit the blunt as hard as I could, because that's what all twelve year olds do.''

Iruka blinked a few times before his face scrunched up in confusion. "Mizuki? What does he have to do with it?''

''I have everything to do with it.'' Mizuki's voice suddenly rang out as he stepped out of the shadows, ''I also fucked your bitch by the way, but no hard feelings right? Now give me the scroll, Naruto.''

''Don't listen to him, Naruto!'' Iruka shouted, ''He wants the scroll for his own sick purposes. He can't handle the fact that his penis is too small! He's going to play you like some nacho cheese Doritos!''

''Two inches can please a woman perfectly!'' Mizuki retaliated, before his expression changed into a smug one, ''How thoughtful of you to bring up the Doritos. Naruto, you remember that time when you got those nacho cheese Doritos once, and you didn't want to eat them so you gave them to Iruka?'' Mizuki asked.

Naruto remained silent for a while before nodding, ''Yeah, I do. I knew that people fucking hated nacho cheese, but Iruka-sensei lost his shit when I wanted to give him the Doritos.''

''Do you know why that is, Naruto? I'm sure you know that the Nine Tailed Dorito Fox attacked our village years ago. The Fourth Hokage defeated it by spraying Mountain Dew all over it. That's not the true story though.'' Mizuki said, his expression growing more insane by the second.

''Mizuki, don't! It's forbidden!''

''The Fourth sealed the beast inside you!'' Mizuki yelled as he pointed at Naruto. ''You are the Nine Tailed Dorito Fox! You are the beast that killed Iruka's parents! They might have survived if they weren't allergic to nacho cheese though... but that doesn't matter! You are the thing you hate the most, NACHO CHEESE DORITOS!''

Naruto could feel his world starting to collapse around him. He was a fucking nacho cheese Dorito?''

''Naruto, listen to-'' Iruka started, but was cut off by Naruto.

''No.'' Naruto said in a quiet tone.

''What's that, Doritos kid?'' Mizuki taunted.

''I'm not a fucking nacho cheese Dorito...'' Naruto spoke up, this time a bit louder, ''I mean, if it was sweet chilli it would have been okay, but nacho cheese?! I fucking refuse! SWEET CHILI FOR LIFE!''

Forming the hand seal that would later become one of his trademarks, Naruto created hundreds of clones. The clones all whipped out a few bottles of Mountain Dew, making Mizuki's eyes widen in horror. His screams echoed through the forests as the clones poured their Mountain Dew onto his body, all while making rather passionate noises. In a matter of seconds, Mizuki's body was gone.

''I really need to hit a fucking blunt now...'' Naruto muttered as he collapsed onto the grass and closed his eyes. He opened them again to see Iruka's face hanging over him, a smile on his teacher's face.

''...Please don't rape me.''

''I won't. Congratulations, you're a ninja now.''

''Fuck yeah... Can we go hit a blunt now?''

''Sure, it's legal now.''

I am questioning my sanity after writing this, you probably should too. Don't expect much from this.