Authors note: Harry and Nagini where she is human animagus. This is going to be silly as hell, I warn you. The first two chapters of this story was written years before Fantastic Beasts II came out and we found out that Nagini in fact was a human woman all along, though rather a 'Maledictus' than an Animagus. However, for the purposes of this story, the Maledictus curse was reversed somehow by Voldemort so that she can transform back at will to her human form but her memory and maturity suffer as a result. More details of this later, though for now, Harry just thinks she is an Animagus, not a maledictus.

~O~

Pretty Parseltongue Woman

~o~

May 2 1998

Strange things happened in the final battle at Hogwarts. So strange, in fact, that several people were left traumatized and without a sense of order or purpose anymore. And in the days that followed the end of the war, several weird pairings cropped up including Ron/Hermione which no one could understand. "War trauma," they all thought whenever they saw the attractive brunette make out with the less attractive, very gitty red head.

Among those who were highly confused were Harry Potter.

He couldn't understand how his two best friends could shack up and start screwing right in the middle of the battle when they were supposed to be helping him destroy Horcruxes. Did they think making love in the Chamber of Secrets where he had almost died six years ago was some kind of homage to him? Was he missing something here?

Harry was also very confused how he had died and then come back to life.

Yes, that was right.

Harry Potter had died in the Battle of Hogwarts and then been revived that same day.

Hermione said they used CPR but he wasn't sure he believed them. Why would muggle resuscitation methods work? Also who the hell called the Muggle ambulance to resuscitate Voldemort too? Did the Death Eaters see his side revive him using muggle methods and then decide to play copycat? Harry was seriously pissed off at Hermione, even if she had saved his life.

Harry was further confused why Neville had opted NOT to kill the last remaining Horcruxe Nagini and finally make sure the annoying bugger couldn't come back to life, Muggle ambulance or not.

Honestly, he had just left one task to Neville, kill the snake, and Neville had failed even that. Perhaps he would have been better leaving the task up to a squash, for all the help Neville was.

So now, instead of enjoying being born again, Harry was left tracking down the snake with the purposes of killing her himself.

It didn't help his mood that instead of staying and fighting, when the final battle had ended, Voldemort had been taken away on a gurney to a muggle hospital. Didn't these muggles know he was just going to kill him when he woke up? But the muggles told him it was against hospital policy for visitors to kill patients so he had to leave without causing a scene.

He just knew that as soon as Voldemort got up he was going to get away, probably to live in exile in Cuba with Castro. Then because of the embargo it would be very hard to get Voldemort there. NATO would be all after him.

Harry Potter swore under his breathe as he lit the ruined Hogwarts grounds with his wand and tried to find the spot the famous snake Nagini had slithered off to.

He was successfully following the slither marks where the large snake must've been rolling on her belly when the tracks abruptly stopped...and turned into human footsteps near the Forbidden Forest.

"What the hell..."

Was Nagini human or had the snake used human leg stilts to walk away from the scene of the crime? Why would a snake do that? Or were those footsteps actually of another Death Eater who picked up the pet snake and then walked away? Who would even want a deadly snake as a pet?

Harry pushed his glasses back up to his nose. Whatever was happening, he needed to be prepared for the unexpected. If he could die and come back to life today, and in the same day, see Ron and Hermione make out and Voldemort be wheeled into a muggle ambulance, well...anything, as they said, was possible.

He followed the footsteps into the Forbidden Forest until the tracks stopped right before a little nest of twigs and sticks.

It was almost a pathetic sight, the little tree branches twisted together to make a tent. A pathetic shelter in a large forest full of creatures even scarier than her that would probably eat her.

But then he saw the large snake, Nagini, curled snugly in a coil inside the little tent. She was snoring with a little teddy bear beside her and looked perfectly harmless, unlike the killer who was known to eat up to five muggles in one day.

Had Voldemort abandoned her? He felt almost guilty that he had to kill her like this.

He raised his wand and was about to slice the cozy little snake in half when the snake suddenly opened its eyes and lifted its head to stare at him.

Harry, being a parseltongue, immediately heard what she had to say to him.

"Do you know where my master is? Voldemort, the great big idiot, forgot to pack his pet snake in his suitcases!"

"Sorry haven't seen him. He went to the hospital and they won't let me kill him."

"Sorry."

He wondered why Nagini was being sympathetic to him instead of killing him.

"Yeah, it's been a long day." Harry shrugged and kept his wand pointed at her in case she changed her mind and decided to lunge at him. He noticed the snake was shivering and felt a hint of guilt.

"Long day for you too? Neville tried to kill me! Innocent little me!" Nagini hissed. "Luckily, I used a spell to make him and Snape attack each other instead of me."

"Oh so that explains..."

"I'm SO cold!" Nagini suddenly remarked and uncurled from the tent. She nudged the little teddy bear towards him. "You look tired too."

"I died today."

"That would explain it. Hey, join me in my tent, we can keep each other warm."

England was a cold climate for a snake, so Nagini probably did need a heatlamp or something warm to wrap up to and after Neville had not killed her with his sword, she'd slithered towards Harry, asking the-boy-who-lived to spare her life and take care of her.

"Hey, let me go!" Harry said as she began to affectionately coil around his legs.

"No, let's cuddle. You're tired, sssleep, little Wizzzard..."

"C'mon you work for Voldemort! How dumb do you think I am? I'm not taking a nap with you."

"Trussst in meee..."

"No, I don't trust in youuuuuu!" Yet he felt surprisingly relaxed in Nagini's nest with her. He kept a hold of his wand however.

"Harry quit being so mistrustful. I'm a cute little snake. Now obey me, you are tired..."

Harry yawned. It was true that fighting Voldemort and the Death Eaters all the time was exhausting, especially for a lanky 17 year old. And he had died earlier in the day, THAT was pretty exhausting. His eyes started to close.

"Okay, just one nap," he replied in Parseltongue. He wasn't telling the truth. As soon as Nagini fell asleep, he intended to kill her humanely. Though the longer he stayed wrapped around the snake, the more he kept procrastinating killing her...perhaps because she was still hugging her teddy bear to her. And now Harry, as if he was another teddy bear.

Until finally, still curled up together, Harry Potter accidentally, probably from being so tired and dying earlier in the day, fell asleep.

In the morning, he woke up―still alive―nestled besides Nagini's comforting warm coils.

He was rather confused why neither of them had killed each other while the other one was asleep, but decided not to question fate. Perhaps Nagini was nicer than she seemed.

"Good morning," Nagini smiled widely and licked Harry's cheek with her poisonous tongue.

"Hey watch it!" She had morning snake breath, or was that venom? Harry vigorously wiped at his face, worried he might die now from an innocent embrace.

"Sorry, I forgot my tongue and fangs are poisonous." Nagini giggled. "My bad."

Harry gulped. "Just keep your tongue and kisses away from me, Nagini. No offence."

"None taken," Nagini said and began to apply some red lipstick to her face. "Hee hee, do you think I'm purty?"

Harry looked in disgust at Nagini's lipstick covered snake mouth and face. "Uhhh...sure...you are." He coughed.

"Yeah! I love you Harry Potter!" Nagini hissed happily.

"Hey, hey. Watch the tongue!"

"Oops, sorry, I forgot," Nagini giggled and slithered off Harry out of the tent and into the Forest.

Harry followed quickly after her as Nagini tried to trap a mouse or something to eat for breakfast.

"Thanks for staying overnight," Nagini added. "I'm not used to sleeping alone."

"Uh, do you usually have a bunk bed mate?" He wondered if Voldemort napped with his pet snake. He wouldn't be surprised given how weird the Death Eaters were. There were rumours Voldemort liked to dance the Mambo.

"T-threee actually: Ana the Anaconda, Barbra the Basilisk and little old me. We share the bed and I'm top bunk because snakes like the shared body heat."

"Well, don't expect me to keep you warm again, and I don't want to be here when your anaconda or basilisk friends come back." Truth be told, after snuggling up to the friendly snake, he was having less and less heart to kill her.

Though he definitely never wanted to share beds with the ugly snake again. "Maybe I should leave you at a hotel so you don't sleep in the cold again?" He wondered if Best Western or Howard Johnson took snake guests in their hotels.

"Sure! No problem! Let's go to a hotel!" Nagini switched back into her human form and was a beautiful, naked woman.

"Wait, what? You're human?!" Harry's jaw dropped but then he remembered his manners and closed his jaw and cast his eyes downward to maintain her modesty and not look at her body. "Uhmm, Nagini, I didn't expect this."

"Call me Gina," she said with a snakish, girlish lisp.

"Uh, right, Gina, perhaps let's just get you some clothes before we go to the Hotel..and you have to promise me you won't follow or work for Voldemort anymore."

"No problem!" Nagini laughed. "He was a boring bald guy anyways and very bossy. You are much nicer." She looped her arms around Harry's. "Let's go, we're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful wizard of oz!"

"Gina, that's a movie. Not a real wizard."

"Oops." She frowned sadly. "Scarecrow too?"

"Yes." Harry's eyes averted from her bare backside. "Uh, let's get you some of Hermione's clothes, I'm sure she wouldn't mind sharing."

"Oooh, bookgirl has good clothes."

"Yes, she's very fashionable and you can be too, Nagini."

Nagini tried to kiss Harry again. "You are my hero, Harry."

She tried to kiss him again on the cheek but Harry ducked out of the way. "By any chance, are your kisses still poisonous when you are in your human form, Nagini?"

"Dunno." Nagini pouted. "Want to try?"

"No. I'm good. At least, not without a bezoar on hand." Harry grinned. "Uh, let's go."

He had an embarrassing situation down below and tried to cover it with a pillow, but Nagini had already spotted it and laughed. "Harry, what's going on in your pants, why does there appear to be something pointing out of it?" She was very innocent.

Harry blushed. "Nevermind. We'll explain the birds and bees to you later. First clothes!"

He ordered Nagini to go into Hermione's room and pick up some of 'bookgirl's' clothes.

Nagini came out wearing a weird combination of flannel booty shorts and a tank top with sheep on it that said "I'm shleepy".

"You couldn't find anything more, um, fitting?"

"Is this not good?"

Harry face palmed. Somebody needed to get Queer-Eye-for-the-snake-eye to give clueless Nagini fashion tips. This girl hadn't a clue how to dress.

Harry blushed again. "Uh, it's alright. But let's take you shopping for better clothes on Rodeo Drive." He got out a Portkey for California. It was warm there, which snakes liked, so perhaps he could leave here there afterwards.

"Ohh shopping trip!" Nagini jumped up and down in glee. "Yes, please Harry buy me something nice please!"

She was like a little girl in a candy shop. And Harry Potter was Richard Gere, with all the money and credit cards.

.

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~o~

[Writing prompts: Day 63 pairing: it's up to you; Character: Harry Potter. Prompts: Harry Potter gets hypnotized by a snake and wrapped up in its coils/"Sssleep, little Wizzzard..."/ parseltongue/"Trussst in meee..."/wand/ snake coils/"Vipera evanesca!"]