Waiting

by CleverAsEver

I slowly walked down the track, before hoisting myself up onto the platform.

It was close to midnight. The sky was dark. A light flurry of snow floated to the ground, adding to the thin layer already present and coating my fur with specks of white.

Every day, I had come. Rain or shine, storm or blizzard, I came and I stayed. And I waited. And I yearned.

It had been a year. Three hundred and sixty-five days. Five hundred twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes. Thirty-one million, five hundred thirty-six thousand seconds. All without her.

I don't blame her. It was my fault – all of it.

When we had first confessed to each other, it had been an almost magical – no, scratch that, it had been a truly magical moment.

The first few months were simply… perfect. The love, the time spent together… everything. It had all been so beautiful.

What can I say? We were together. For us, that was all that mattered.

She trusted me. She believed in me. She made me feel like the strongest cat in the world.

Then, the Ball came. That was truly the pinnacle of it all. Us dancing together, expressing our love, our pure and unadulterated passion for each other. It was the greatest thing I had ever experienced in my life. I wished it never would end. It was all so wonderful, all so unbelievably fantastic. So utterly naïve.

Then it all fell apart.

Eventually, I grew complacent. I ignored her. I used her. I treated her like a punching bag, not a cat and certainly not the love of my life. I released all my anger, all my pain on her. Her trust in me was no more than a piece of tissue, to be used then thrown away. I took her for granted. I lied to her, betrayed her. I broke her.

A part of me had wanted to stop it. To kneel before her and apologize, to stop the torment that I knew was hurting her. That part of me wept whenever she looked at me with those sad eyes of hers. But I had ignored it completely, pushed it aside with a wave of apathy and ignorance.

I never thought she would have left the Junkyard.

The tribe shunned me after that. I was loathed, detested, condemned. Particularly by her brother – on the rare occasions we crossed paths, his glare bored into my very soul, accusing me. Blaming me. Reminding me of what I had done. And, to be honest, I completely agreed with him.

Every day, I questioned myself. No, not questioned. Punished myself.

Why had I done this to her? Why had I hurt her so?

It hurt knowing that I had done this to her, that I was the sole cause of this. It hurt knowing that I could have stopped it. It hurt that I chose not to.

There had been a letter about a week after she left. Of course, not to me; it was addressed directly to Munkustrap. I only knew it existed because I accidentally came across it lying on his desk. I was only able to read it for a few seconds before I heard him coming back. But I had seen enough.

"I'm doing fine. I'm safe and have found a place to live. I've met a few people who have helped me settle down for a while. I don't know how long I'll stay. I need some time to reflect, alone. Don't worry, I still love you and the rest of the tribe. Please don't come and find me. ~Victoria"

How long would it take? Would she ever come back? Would I ever see her again?

What had I done?

I laid down on the platform, in the very same spot as on that fateful day. And, of course, all the days and nights after that.

I curled up in a ball, facing the tracks. I waited.

A leaf blew around on the tracks, rising and falling with the breeze. Then all of a sudden, a more powerful breeze blew it away down the tracks.

A distant whistle echoed through the air. A train was coming.

I scrambled to my feet, staring into the distance. Slowly, a shining light appeared in the distance, slowly getting brighter and brighter and revealing several hundred tons of lumbering steel and timber. It screeched to a stop. I waited, almost impatiently for the doors to burst open and for people to come flooding out of the train, onto the platform and out of the station.

Somehow, I felt the strange sensation that I was being watched. I ignored it. It wasn't a priority. Only finding her was.

The doors opened. I searched up and down the platform, checking each entrance. I peered through the massive crowd of debarking passengers, hoping to catch a glimpse of her or perhaps a whiff of her scent. Some sign of her presence.

And yet, as the crowd thinned and the passengers dispersed, there was not a sign of her. The platform emptied, leaving me alone once more, standing in the frigid night air.

As always, she wasn't there.

I collapsed on the ground.

It tore up my insides, as if I had swallowed a razor blade. The pain was real; it was physical, it was excruciating. It ripped through my every nerve, shattered through every fiber of my being.

Thoughts flew through my head, swirling and twisting and forming a roaring tempest of emotions.

The love of my life was gone. I might never see her again. I might sit here for the rest of my life. I might never dance with her again. I might never sing with her again. I might never see her again. I might never feel her fur again. I might never hear her voice again. I might never smell her scent again. I might never see her again. I might never, ever see her again.

I sniffled. My nose began to run, and my eyes quickly clouded up.

I began to sob. Quietly, at first, but quickly my sobs turned into full-fledged tears.

All of the pain, the anger, the self-loathing flowed out of me. My tears stung as if they were made of chlorine. I cried the tears of one who had singlehandedly destroyed his own future. I cried the tears of one who had lost everything he had ever known. I cried the tears of one who had no one to blame but himself for the hell he lived in.

I cried myself to the point of utter, complete ignorance of the world around me. The only things that existed then were myself, my pain and my regret. I silently begged, begged the Everlasting cat, begged anyone, anything that might possibly be listening, to please, please give me another chance.

Eventually, I cried myself to exhaustion. My mind felt fuzzy and clouded, my body as if it were weighed down by lead. My loud cries turned into quiet, sorrowful whimpers. I lay there for what seemed like an eternity.

I had given up all hope.

I was gently shaken by the shoulders. Startled, I scrambled backwards into a semi-crouch, quickly unsheathing my claws.

I saw a pure white figure kneeling in front of me.

She was back.

A choked cry escaped me as I dropped to the floor once more, hugging her waist and bawling uncontrollably.

Once again, I relived the past year of torture, only this time, I didn't have the luxury of being alone. Everything was expelled in this one moment, through wet tears and raw sobs. My cruelty had already caused her to leave once, and I had berated myself daily for it.

But right now, it didn't matter. She was back. She was here, in the flesh, in front of me.

"Shh, Plato…" She gently pulled me upright, looking me straight in the eye.

"It's okay. I forgive you."

I had prepared a whole speech. It had been edited and proofread hundreds, no, thousands of times in the month I had endured away from her. But now, with her in front of me, any and all plans were forgotten as I squeezed her tightly, refusing to ever let go.

I fell onto her, sobbing into her fur. I tried to speak, my voice catching and throat convulsing. "I-I-Oh Everlasting, I love you so much, please don't leave, please don't ever leave, please, I need you, I-I'm s-so sorry…" I blubbered into her fur. She gently embraced me, patting me on the back. I could feel her own tears dripping down onto my fur. She hushed me. "It's alright. It's all in the past now. I forgive you."

"You're everything. You're more." I croaked, not even knowing what it meant but somehow knowing that it was true.

"You too," she replied as she pulled me closer, ruffling my head fur gently. I wiped my eyes gently and took a shaky breath, attempting to regain control of myself. I looked up, seeing my mate's beautiful features, her wet blue eyes and her trembling smile. I nuzzled her gently, embracing her tightly.

We were together again. And that was all that mattered.