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It lives!

After a break of ... well too long really ... we're back. And this time it's personal.

You can thank Noble Korhedron and a few select others for badgering me relentlessly into getting my finger out of my arse and actually moving forward in this story. As a side effect it's got me moving on pretty much all of my stories so thanks for that guys. Really, your support is much appreciated.

This fic is a light hearted piece of fun for me and is in no way meant to be taken seriously. If it's not your thing, that's okay. Stop reading and move on with your life. Also almost everyone in this story is OOC to some extent or other. Harriet Potter 'the girl-who-lived' would never have done half the things that she's doing now but Dorothy Liliceae is a different kettle of fish entirely. And as we all surely know by now ... Dottie's a nutbag.

Nutters do tend to have a terrifying propensity to affect everything and everyone around them. I would know. Been one all my life.

Enjoy.

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I'm not JKR and I don't make any money from this. Which is a bit of a shame.

DtR xx.

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A Tale of Two Lillies.

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7. Wicked Witches and the Wiziest Wiz there Was.

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Dottie was all relaxed and chipper after waking from yet another night of sexual abandon, this time with the rather unskilled but extremely ... enthusiastic Susan Death. Their argument had been forgotten about in extremely short order once Susan's underwear had joined her dress on the floor of the room of requirements. The former 'girl-who-lived' having launched herself at the naked reaper in a frenzy made up of equal parts anger and frustration at her new situation and pure lust had succeeded magnificently in taking their respective minds off of the problem.

The previously virginal Miss Death was, in fact, so distracted from their falling out by the wild, little witch with the vivid green eyes that she had actually forgotten to breathe at several points in their furious love making. Not that she really needed to, but it was a bad habit that she didn't want to get into, since she really didn't want to do things the same way as her grandad did. Especially not this. She was rather embarrassed that the extremely talented young woman with the amazing tongue had made her do so. Whatever her prior hesitations and misgivings though, it had turned out to be a rather lovely night for her.

The talented young woman in question had also had a bit of a lovely time last night. While it could be annoying in a lot of ways, there was definitely a lot to be said for 'breaking in' an inexperienced woman. They did tend to let you get away with a great many things that more sexually savvy girls wouldn't and Harriet had exploited this aspect of the sweet, but terribly naive, Susan mercilessly. They were also a lot more cuddly afterwards. It was very nice.

It was especially nice to be woken by the trainee grim reaper, who didn't actually sleep herself, delicately stroking up and down her naked spine. Then things got a whole lot better when she opened her eyes and spied the lightly steaming natural hot spring that was waiting for her.

"Was that you or the room?"

"Me."

"Well that's handy. My own personal, portable bathroom creator."

"Isn't it though?"

Harriet left the soft bed, sauntered over to the pool and slipped a toe into the water with exaggerated movements while being as deliberately provocative as possible. She ceased the hypnotic swaying of her hips and bent low to test the temperature with her finger. A finger which, half turning, she then immediately and seductively put into her mouth and gave a little suck before letting it escape with a pop.

Susan Death may not have been exactly human but she was human enough that she couldn't fail to react predictably to the raven haired little minx, smiling at her coquettishly from the edge of the spa.

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Some considerable time later Susan decided to make another, more conscious effort to get on with things. Or more accurately, to get Harriet to get on with things. Important things. Things that needed to get done. Today preferably.

"Come on you, up."

"It's Sunday."

The gorgeous girl next to her yawned and stretched out her shining, scintillating, naked body in a most tantalising manner almost putting her off of her stride as she grumbled out her sleepy reply. Almost. But not quite. She shook her head and re-gained some small semblance of her self control.

"Yes, but you have things to do today." Susan slapped the small, pale, wandering hands away from her bum. "Not those kinds of things."

"Awwww."

"Look, stop mauling me you randy little slapper, get dressed and get yourself down to breakfast. You'll want to be there when the papers arrive, trust me."

Harriet propped herself up on a one elbow and gave her immortal lover, what she referred to as, the stink eye.

"Fucking hell Susan. What did you do now?"

"Hey I'm not the one who punched a Daily Prophet gossip columnist in the face for no reason."

"I had plenty of reasons I'll have you know."

"Like?"

"She's a bitch."

Susan opened her mouth to argue the point before shutting it again and shrugging her shoulders.

"Yeah okay, I'll give you that one."

"I'll give you one."

Fending off the renewed advances from the suddenly randy and much more awake Miss Potter, Susan thought that she now knew why none Harriet's conquests seemed too concerned about her 'spreading the love around'. The girl seemed to be perpetually horny and considering that even she, a demi-goddess who didn't actually need sleep or even rest had been worn out by her, she was beginning to feel pity for her growing 'harem' of girls. Well, alright, not pity perhaps, given how skilled with her tongue and fingers Harriet was, but definitely a sense of better them than me.

"And you wonder why people call you 'Dirty Dottie'. Anyway, now that you've got a bit more financial and political clout with your new titles and vaults and such, Lady Liliceae, it's high time that you got going with your plan."

"Plan?"

"Yes. You know that plan that you wrote out only a few days ago."

"Oh, right. That plan."

Death's grand-daughter pinched the bridge of her nose and squeezed her eyes shut, realising that Harriet had indeed forgotten the entire reason that she was back here. And the fact that she written out a decently sound plan of how to get things moving in the right direction. It seemed like she was going to have to keep an almost constant watch on the infuriatingly cute, but easily distracted, girl in order to keep things on track.

Not that she could complain about that too much. She was rather easy on the eyes, after all. Not quite so easy on her poor, abused intimate areas, mind you, but still one couldn't have everything.

"Now I think that you should start with getting the 'good guys' on board. Let's face it the marauders and your new pal 'Sevvie' are going to need all the help that they can get. And you are the perfect person to give that help. Well you and your mad little harem anyway." She shook her head in mock sadness. "Those boys are so clueless it makes me even more glad to be gay."

Harriet agreed with her entirely but wasn't about to tell Susan that, preferring to pout about the grand-daughter of Death calling her 'Dirty Dottie'. Not that she didn't deserve it mind you, but that really wasn't the point. She made her acceptance of Susan's idea appear to be as grudging as possible. It was so quiet that it was almost a whisper.

"'Kay."

"Good. But first, get to breakfast, read the papers. I promise it'll be rather interesting for you."

The time travelling sex monster pouted bad temperedly and huffed out a disgruntled 'fine' as she retrieved her clothes and began to prepare (finally) for the day ahead.

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Harriet paid no attention to the stares and hushed whispers as she sat down to breakfast. She'd lived through it too many times before to be bothered by such things. When she opened her copy of the Sunday Prophet, however, she did pay attention. And as she began to grip her spoon hard enough that it started to noticeably bend and deform, so did everyone else. It was, at the same time, both better and worse than Harriet was expecting.

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Slytherin Is Back!

A special report by Rita Skeeter.

Yesterday, in a move that will shock the Wizarding World, the Most Noble and Most Ancient House of Slytherin was resurrected from it's dormant status when a new heir was found. Or should I say a new heir-ess. Yes that's right readers, the next person to hold the considerable purse strings and powerful political reins of the oldest and wealthiest House in Britain is a, just turned sixteen year old, witch. A young witch who is also the last surviving member and heiress to the Liliceae fortune.

Dorothy Glynda Liliceae now holds in her delicate hands two Wizengamot seats as well as a fortune that puts her firmly in the top three most wealthy bachelorettes in the country. I say most wealthy rather than most eligible since it appears that the new Lady elect of Slytherin and Liliceae suffers from some extremely serious personality flaws.

Speaking to several current students at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry where she is a recent transfer has revealed that Lady Slytherin is a notorious and very successful seducer of witches. This fact would not be so much of a problem were she not responsible for repopulating two of our most revered Houses. Combined with the fact that she is seen often in in the company of a redheaded muggleborn witch, famous for challenging the status quo.

We at the Daily Prophet do not, of course, condone the views or actions of the more extreme blood purists beginning to assert themselves now under their self styled Lord Voldemort, but we are concerned for the future of the two aforementioned Ancient families.

It also seems that our new 'Serpent Princess' has a rather nasty temper. My sources at the school have heard many rumours of a vicious attack on a prominent, pureblood wizard in the Slytherin common room. Rumours that were not exactly put to rest when the young 'Lady' in question physically assaulted Heir Malfoy as she left the great hall one morning last week.

Indeed, your humble correspondent herself, can personally attest to Lady Slytherin's violent outbursts having been subjected to one of them as well. My possibly unwise attempt at an impromtu interview in the lobby of Gringott's Bank was met with a swift and brutal rebuttal. I certainly do not envy Heir Malfoy as she has a very impressive and effective right cross that necessitated a visit to St. Mungo's.

Yet despite her more obvious character flaws it is clear to us here at the Daily Prophet that this exciting and eccentric young Lady elect of the Houses of Slytherin and Liliceae will certainly be one to watch. We believe that her energy and enthusiasm will certainly help to re-invigorate both our Government and our Society and we wish her all the best in this worthy endeavour.

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What. The. Fuck.

Of all the two faced, back-handed, back-stabbing, bottle blonde bitches. A black eye was going to be the least of that skeezy, little, cunt's problems when Harriet caught up to her. If that drunk, old fraud Trelawny were about with her manky crystal ball, the only thing she'd be seeing in Rita fucking Skeeter's immediate future was a great deal of pain and a bodybag.

For justice. For Hermione. For pissing her off.

Very sensibly, no-one in th great hall that morning even thought about trying to approach the violently insane witch who had made such an impact on their school in the last week. They simply chose to watch in fear and awe as 'Hot, Dirty Dottie' ... errr ... Lady Slytherin that is tried to stop herself from going on a bloody rampage through Hogwarts.

Her boiling fury was replaced by a cold, hard determination. Susan was right. She needed to start getting things done.

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Sunday afternoon and found Harriet, Pandora, Lily and the Black sisters secreted in a private room just to one side of the restricted section of Hogwarts Library. This was, in part due to her new found status as an Heir of one of the Founders, but more likely had something to do with Irma Pince's soft spot for the very bookish and very respectful Lily Evans. It was truly amazing just how much the Ravenclaw could get away with if she simply asked the staff nicely.

They all loved her for her manners as much as her brilliance. Something which Harriet would be looking to exploit later on.

For now, however, she had to get her plans moving and that meant gathering her allies and giving out some orders in the guise of a 'discussion'. She really was getting more and more Slytherin by the day. Her recently acquired ancestor would be so proud of her.

"Welcome everyone to, what I'm calling, Dorothy Liliceae's council of Ladies."

There was excited applause from Pandora, Cissy and Bella while the two more staid members of the group rolled their eyes at her egotism and insanity.

"Are you sure it shouldn't be Lady Slytherin's Council of Concubines, Dottie love?"

If you lot actually were my concubines then I'd be having sex with a lot more of you. Although if you girls really wanted it I suppose we could have a quick orgy before the meeting."

This comment caused a great deal of red faced head shaking from Lily and Andi who, never the less, looked quite excited by the idea, while the other three sent up a chant of.

"Orgy, orgy, orgy!"

"Panda, I didn't realise that you swung that way. And just think of all the fun we could have been having if you'd only told me earlier, you silly goose."

"Oh I'm not gay Dottie. I just didn't want to feel left out."

"So if we had decided to have an orgy you would have joined in just to feel included?"

"Oh yes."

"I knew there was a reason I liked you Panda Pop."

"It's because I'm special isn't it?"

"Oh there's no denying that you're 'special' sweetie. And actually, it's a good thing that you're straight Panda because I've got a very important question to ask you."

Everyone was paying rapt attention to Harriet now.

"How would you like your very own cuddly, little, furry, wolfy to keep you warm at night?"

This prompted some hesitant and slightly worried comments from her council the very least of which was.

"Scamander and Lupin. Are you sure about this Dottie?"

"Oh come on, what's the worst that could happen?"

At least the now thoroughly pussy whipped Bella was still on her side.

"We could go on a fairy hunt with the vanilla-strawberry pudding coven and accidentally wipe out what remains of the hovering beleshan population."

Harriet pulled Pandora's face back into her generous cleavage, making the rest of her highly interesting but highly mental reply very muffled and thankfully incomprehensible. It also made the rest of the witches in the room incredibly jealous that they weren't the one to be receiving Dottie's generous, mammary attentions.

"Shush you."

Then something that Andromeda Black had said jolted her brain back into life. 'Scamander and Lupin'. They knew about Remus.

"Hang about, how did you all know that Lupin's a werewolf?"

"Honestly Dottie, how stupid do you think we are? I mean he disappears for three days a month around the full moon and his clothes are constantly in tatters. It doesn't exactly take a genius to figure it out."

Despite her surprise at their uncommon (for the wizarding world) common sense, Harriet recovered quickly and spent the next ten minutes 'convincing' her council of ladies that distracting the marauders with sex was the way to go. There were an awkward few moments when they thought that she meant that they would have to be the ones boinking the idiot wizards. Her explanation that they would be encouraging or coercing other unlucky girls into the task calmed things down enough for her to continue.

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Miss Scamander had, of course, immediately and in an impressively theatrical style volunteered to 'take one for the team' where her uncle Moony was concerned. It was a good effort but it fooled no-one. Once the question of Remus Lupin was put to bed, much to Pandora's squeals of delight (Harriet had been spot on in predicting the strange girl's reaction to snuggles with a werewolf), they moved on to the next marauder.

It was a relatively simple task to get Lily to help her recruit moaning Myrtle to the cause of love but far less simple to convince her that a suitably dumb witch would have to be sacrificed to James Potter's dubious charms. Apparently saying 'but it's only a Hufflepuff' was not going to cut any ice with the redhead ... however true it was ... and she had to resort to a great deal of pouting, batting of her eyelashes and even the fake tears before Lily had finally capitulated.

Next was the one that she had been looking forward to the most. Sirius Black.

She made her pronouncement on her preferred match for him and sat back to watch the fun. As Harriet had suspected, her god-father's cousins did not disappoint.

"Minerva McGonagall?"

"Ye-e-es."

"And our idiot cousin Sirius?"

"Ye-e-es."

"Okay that actually sounds like fun."

"Bella!"

"What? It would be. Professor Kitty and the Black mutt? That's just so wrong that it's right."

"Anything else you want us to do? Feed the World? Solve the political and socio-economic problems in the middle East?"

"Yeah, we need to get Sevvie a shag."

This time even the extensive pureblood and Slytherin House training that they had all received couldn't disguise the shock of the stunned sisters as they all murmured out variations upon a theme of 'fuck me'. Which Harriet thought was a rather disappointingly defeatist attitude.

Severus Snape reminded her, quite painfully, of how she had been when she had first entered Hogwarts after the treatment she had received in the 'loving environment' of the Dursley's sterile home. He was ragged to the point that tramps would be ashamed to be seen with him and shied away from all forms of physical contact at every opportunity.

He may have been an un-holy prick to her in the future but this poor, down-trodden and clearly physically and emotionally abused boy was not that man. Not yet at any rate, and she fully intended to make sure that he never got the chance to become so. If that meant that she had to help out and even, horror of horrors, befriend her previous nemesis then so be it.

Harriet's own 'rough treatment' at number four Privet Drive had left her unwilling and entirely unable to turn a blind eye to child abuse. Even when it was her greasy, dungeon bat of an ex Potions Master. Actually, especially so, since with his conversion to the 'light' it would throw a big old spanner into the Dark Tosser's future plans.

Although her own plans to murder the blonde ponce and the treacherous rat would probably not be considered something that a 'light' inclined person would do. Nor would controlling her little harem of exceedingly powerful and exceedingly useful witches with judicious use of sex and unforgiveable curses for that matter. Bella did love it when Harriet hit her with the crucio curse for being a 'bad' girl. The little weirdo.

So probably not the 'light' side. Perhaps the Potter side then ... er ... scratch that. The Liliceae side?

Hmm, maybe she would end up as a Dark Lady after all, just like all of those people in her second year had predicted.

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With dinner came the opportunity for Harriet to start implementing plan 'Distract the Retards'. Unfortunately, it involved her having to sit at the Gryffindor table for her evening meal in order to actually talk to them. She had somewhat stupidly decided to take Pandora with her to provide moral support and a possible human shield should things get too far out of hand.

"Hello boys."

There was much shifting and surreptitious drawing of wands at her unexpected appearance at the Gryffindor table.

"A bit nervous aren't we?"

"Bloody right we're nervous you're mental."

Oh Sirius, always such a way with words. She blushed and batted her eyelashes at him, nearly causing him to laugh.

"You're a de ... demon summoner."

Her reaction to the treacherous rat was more scowling than flirting but it shut him up so she was calling it a win.

"You're a snake."

Her ever charming father received the same treatment as Pettigrew and looked away just as quickly.

"Actually, you're the snake ... Lady Slytherin."

Remus gave her such a mocking bow that she actually did laugh before continuing.

"All very good points gentlemen but there really isn't any need for you to be so worried. I'm actually here to offer a truce."

It took an annoyingly long time to convince the marauders of the sincerity of her generous (to her) offer of an armistice. This may have had something to do with Pandora's presence and her all too frequent interruptions about the random, invisible creatures that were affecting them all and making such agreement much more difficult. Not that it phased Harriet in the slightest, she being fully conversant with the oddities of 'Luna speak'. It did seem to distract the marauders however, confusing James and Peter while more amusing Sirius and Remus.

And it was these last two, the more intelligent (just barely so) members of the group that carried the day and persuaded James and Peter of her pure intentions. Eventually that is.

Morons.

As uncle Moony had pointed out previously, she was Lady fucking Slytherin and quite literally the baddest, motherfucking snake in the pit. Like her intentions were ever going to be pure.

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While Harriet and her council of ladies were discussing the merits of various methods to pair up their unsuspecting targets, in a room at an obscure west country Inn, the man formally known as Tom Riddle was frowning at his newspaper. More specifically the headline banner plastered across it in twelve point print.

An heiress to the House of Slytherin? He thought he was the only one. It was very concerning.

Although, upon further reading, he was both intrigued by this comely young woman's heritage and highly amused by her open assault on the reporter who had so unwisely accosted her. Voldemort had wanted to do the same thing on many occasions in the past and had only restrained himself due to the necessity of keeping in the good graces of the British press. At least for now.

His short, young relative (?) obviously wasn't in possession of his immense self control. That was clear both from the, probably well deserved, attack on this Skeeter woman and by her very public display of affection for the redheaded witch who she was pictured lip-locked with later in the day. The same redheaded witch that Skeeter had previously outed as a mudblood.

Voldemort was surprised that a pureblooded witch of such an ancient and important heritage would have the balls to do so in the middle of Diagon Alley in the middle of the day. And he found himself rather impressed by it.

Or he would be impressed if it turned out that she knew what a stink she would be kicking up and had done it anyway rather than if she were just too self involved and too stupid to notice the camera. He really hoped that it was the former case as the only thing that was missing in his imminent rise to ultimate power was the presence of an adequate apprentice. Someone strong enough to be a good investment for the future and young enough be ... malleable. Someone like Dorothy Liliceae.

Certainly, none of his current crop of pureblood followers was either young enough, powerful enough or pliable enough to make a decent second in command, although Cygnus and Druella's daughters showed some promise. The problem was that most of the idiots were just so mired in this whole blood 'purity' nonsense and couldn't seem to get past it to see the true potential of his revolution. They were afraid of the new mages coming into their world and changing it so that they, the aristocratic elites, would end up being outnumbered, outgunned and closer to the bottom of the pile than the top. It was why they were so keen on subjugating the 'muddies' just like their ancestors had done for centuries.

It was a damned silly waste of good, magical talent, in his opinion.

Their fear did help him to encourage them to see 'Lord Voldemort' as their saviour from the muggle disease of course. Even though he was technically a half blood and once he was in power his current supporters would be in a far worse position than even they could imagine. But still, scared, inbred idiots didn't really make for either the most effective or the most reliable of minions.

If there was one thing that the young Miss Liliceae/Lady Slytherin elect looked, it was certainly not scared.

Arrogant and aristocratic? Certainly. Lecherous and hormonal? Very possibly. Mentally unstable? Without a doubt. But scared? Not even slightly.

She was perfect. Maybe.

The Dark Lord seated himself at the scarred writing desk, busied himself pulling parchment and ink from it's drawers and readied himself for a task of monumental importance. With a theatrical flourish of his quill he began to compose a recruitment letter to his (possibly) distant relative, the impressive and well connected Miss Dorothy Liliceae.

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Having spent all of their afternoon discussing who they could get to 'hook up' with the various marauders and how these minor miracles could be achieved, the Black sisters had worked themselves up into a bit of a frenzy. And if they were horny and frustrated then they could only imagine what their beloved 'Dirty Dottie' was feeling. It was with this in mind that the eldest and youngest of the sisters had set about their middle sibling almost the second that they had returned to Cissy and Dottie's room after dinner.

Andi had been stunned, stripped and ... prepared, before the two of them had set about transfiguring their own clothing into something more suitable for the evening's activities that they had planned.

They had barely finished their preparations when the girl of their frenzied dreams stomped into the room in a bit of a huff only to be pulled up short at the sight which greeted her. Harriet's mouth dropped open and her eyes instantly glazed over as she drooled at the tableau presented for her pleasure.

Oh my.

Andromeda Black, the one sister that she hadn't yet found an opportunity to have, was squatting on the rug in the middle of the floor as naked as the day she was born. Well, naked apart from the silken ropes that criss-crossed intricately and intimately across her body displaying her for all to see. Andromeda Black, who was just as startlingly beautiful as her siblings and who was very pissed off with those same leather and lace clad siblings if the glaring, dark eyes were to be believed. Not that she could exactly vocalize her displeasure at the moment.

This was mainly due to the fact that she had been silenced the old fashioned way with a charmed apple that had been stuffed in her pretty, succulent mouth.

"What's all this then?"

Harriet raised an inquisitive eyebrow as she gestured to this very interesting picture that her minions had painted for her. Bella got a shifty look in her eye and started kicking at the floor with the pointed toe of her boot in something almost, but not quite, akin to embarrassment that totally ruined her badass image.

"Sooo, I might have taken some private lessons in leglimency over the summer ... and I might have seen you eyeing up little sister here with your, you know, look ... which might have led to me taking a little peek around in your brain to see what you were fantasizing about ... and ... voila!"

Bellatrix gave a bright smile and a little 'Tada' gesture that eroded her whole, carefully prepared, 'Mistress of Pain' aura even further.

"Yeah, we kind of knew that you were interested in acquiring the set so we decided to give you a little present after you worked so hard today. Think of it as just a small token of our undying appreciation for your awesomeness."

She couldn't hold out any longer against the inevitable and Harriet finally broke, engulfing the two witches not currently being constricted on the floor, in a jumping, squealing melee of three way kisses and hugs.

"Awww girls! That's so sweet of you. Now I have to get you something."

Cissy's reply that all she needed to do was to let them play too, pushed things over the edge from sweet to decidedly less so in a heartbeat. After the blonde's naughty suggestion, things got very serious, very quickly and vanishing the rest of her clothing with a dismissive wave of her hand, Harriet descended hungrily on her prey. With her two grinning, glamorous assistants in tow.

And the completionist in her was like, 'Yay!'.

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As usual I write for me but reviews are always nice and I'd certainly never turn them away, just don't get caught up in the whole 'they would never do that' trap. This is all going to be pretty AU stuff.

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DtR xx.