It was a quiet February morning in the quiet little mountain town of South Park. The evergreen tree branches rustled slightly in the breeze, the birds sang while they went about their morning routines, and the various woodland critters hopped playfully in the seemingly permanent layer of snow that covered the town. On one ordinary street in this ordinarily unimportant town, three ordinary boys, as a part of their usual morning ritual, stood at an ordinary bus stop, awaiting an ordinary which would take them to their ordinary school to begin another ordinary day.

The three boys stood in relative silence, nothing particularly interesting crossing their minds as a conversation topic. One, Stan, a little ten year-old boy in a red poofball cap, was scrolling through Twitter to see what was in the news that day. The next, his best friend, Kyle, a young boy of Hebrew and Jersey descent wearing an orange coat and a green ushanka, was listening to a new album he'd bought off iTunes the previous day, having fully read the software's terms of service beforehand. The third child, Kenny, a boy wrapped so tightly in an orange parka that some of his classmates weren't even entirely sure what his face looked like, seemed to be doing absolutely nothing at all besides staring off into space.

The fourth and final member of their group, nine year-old Eric Cartman, was nowhere to be found, but nobody seemed too bothered about that. It could be that they believed he'd been traveling to school with his girlfriend, Heidi Turner, but the more likely excuse was that none of them particularly liked Cartman. Indeed, the three of them were certain that, if little Eric went missing one day and was never found, their lives would be largely unaffected.

Stan broke the silence. "Mr. Garrison's on Twitter again," he said, unsurprised.

"Oh, God, what's he saying now?" Kyle asked, exasperated.

Stan showed his phone to his friend.

SEE YOU IN COURT, THE SANCTITY OF STAR WARS IS AT STAKE.

Kyle groaned. Over the last year, their former fourth-grade teacher, Mr. Herbert Garrison, led a successful campaign to get into the White House. Although he, for a period, openly endorsed his rival, a well-known Turd Sandwich, the American people believed that what they truly needed in their lives was a little bit of douche. Since his inauguration the previous month, he'd slowly been losing it. His latest blunder, that the boys knew of, was an Executive Order he signed which gave himself permission to personally fuck to death refugees from seven different countries in the Middle East, as well as refugees from Denmark, which was bleeding citizens fast after its largest economic superpower, a tech company known as Troll Trace, was destroyed, leaving thousands without jobs. The order, at this point, had been struck down by federal courts, but Garrison was still trying his damnedest to have the ruling overturned in appeals courts.

While the boys read President Garrison's Twitter feed, Eric Cartman arrived with a smug look on his face. Noticing that nobody was paying attention to him, Eric feigned a yawn, which caused Kenny to glance at him. The parka-wearing boy returned his eyes to Stan's phone. Now thoroughly annoyed, Cartman began his prepared speech, in hopes that his friends would listen.

"Man, you guys, the weirdest thing happened to me last night," Cartman said with another yawn.

Kyle glanced at him. His eyes briefly looked down at Cartman's posterior. "Did Visitors stick another probe up your ass?"

Cartman continued smirking, and rolled his eyes. "Mm, not quite."

Kyle was confused by this statement. "What do you mean, 'not quite'? Either they put stuff in your ass or they didn't, Cartman, there's no in-between."

Cartman smiled some more. "There were no Visitors, and nobody stuck anything in my ass."

The boys glanced at each other. "There were, and they did," Stan pointed out. Regardless of whether or not this was the case at the moment, it WAS true; Cartman had been abducted by Visitors, and they DID manage to fit a massive satellite dish into his butt. It all seemed so long ago now.

Cartman ignored him. "I found out who my mom is," Cartman teased. The boys looked at each other again.

"Your mom is your mom," Kyle said. "And Jack Tenorman is your father. You killed him."

Cartman waggled a finger. "I did not kill Scott Tenorman's parents, I simply disposed of the remains." The boys shuddered. "And he's not my father, my mom is. She's a hermaphrodite, Dr. Mephisto said so."

Stan pinched his nose bridge. "Cartman, you are so god damn stupid."

Kyle was getting angrier and angrier. "She's not a hermaphrodite, fatass, everyone made that up because the Denver Broncos were having a good season."

Cartman smirked. "No, that story was made up too. You see, they told me Jack Tenorman was my father because the real truth was simply too shocking," he said dramatically. "And what a shocker it was. Did you all know that I have officially hit puberty?"

The boys laughed. "What, did an eighth grader sell you his pubes again?" Stan mocked. Cartman glared.

"No. You see, I woke up this morning with something… very special."

Cartman dramatically lifted his shirt. The boys all stared at the most peculiar object as the bus arrived. Cartman now appeared to have a new addition to his body; a shiny new rose-colored stone, placed right in his belly button.

Kyle looked at the stone, then looked back at Cartman. "You're a dumbass," he stated flatly before boarding the bus with Stan and Kyle.

Cartman continued smirking, then followed.

"Don't you guys want to know how I got it?"

"I already know how you got it, fatass."

"How did I get it?"

"An eighth grader sold you a rock and told you it was a puberty stone," Kyle said.

"Hmm, nice guess. But actually, I inherited this from my mom—my real mom," Cartman added. He seemed really proud of this object, which was clearly just a rock he stuck in his belly button. "You see, she was an alien from another galaxy—"

"Oh, God," Kyle groaned.

"—and she gave up her physical form to make me."

"No, she didn't," Kyle argued.

"Yuh huh, I have the video to prove it!"

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"You have your phone. Show it to me," Kyle challenged.

Cartman's eyes darted back and forth. "I-it's at home. On a VHS. And all we have now is a Blu-Ray player."

"Kenny has a VHS player," Kyle pointed out. "We'll just bring it to your house after school and we can watch it there."

"No, you can't see it."

"Why not?"

"I-it's private."

Kyle glared at Cartman, then decided to drop the subject entirely as he stared forward. He couldn't wait to get to school so that he wouldn't have to listen to this sociopath lie to him for another moment.

Meanwhile, South Park's ShiTiPa Town district was as busy as ever as the town's residents began their day as they begin every day; eating breakfast at one of the fine restaurants the district had to offer. Most notably, South Park's own President Garrison was entertaining the Prime Minister of Japan in City Wok, which for some reason was very dimly lit this morning.

Garrison smiled at the Prime Minister. "You know, I am SO GLAD that we had a restaurant in South Park accommodating to your culture," he beamed as the Prime Minister glanced uncomfortably around the restaurant, and at Lu Kim, who was glaring daggers at him. The Prime Minister then looked over at the ruins of what was once City Sushi, South Park's only Japanese restaurant, before deciding not to point out that this was not, in fact, his "culture". After all, he did not wish to anger the president, or his very… strange entourage, which consisted entirely of what appeared to be talking grapes.

"'Member the Death Star?" one asked.

"'Member Dantooine?" another added.

"'Member the Expanded Universe?" a third one piled on.

"Oh, I loved the Expanded Universe!" the first one 'membered fondly. "'Member Zorba the Hutt?"

Mr. Garrison looked down at the highly classified documents in front of him. He frowned, realizing the lighting was too dim to see anything. "Hey, anyone got a light?" he asked. Almost immediately, several spectators pulled out their iPhones and flashed their lights on the document. Garrison smiled. "Gee, thanks," he said, apparently not realizing that over half of the spectators were taking pictures. "So anyway, about those nukes you guys were asking about," Mr. Garrison began, before his chief of security approached him.

"Mr. President, I'm sorry to interrupt," he began, "but you're needed back in Washington."

"Oh, jeez, what is it now?" Garrison asked, slightly upset at the interruption. He specifically told his staff only to bug him if the fate of the world depended on it—and even then, only if they couldn't get Caitlyn to handle it for some reason.

"There's no time to explain. You and the Prime Minister need to board Marine One right now."

Before long, Garrison was aboard his personal helicopter, on his way to Washington. He glared at everyone else in the cabin.

"Whatever this is better be important, I was gonna score some major poon later," the Commander in Chief said.

Two of his secret service agents glanced at each other. One of them spoke up. "Mr. President, this is a matter of national security. The FBI has reason to believe that members of your campaign were compromised by foreign intelligence prior to the election."

"Which means…?"

"They were contacting foreign intelligence officials."

"And that's…?"

"Bad."

Mr. Garrison looked at the two agents. "But… we won."

"Well, yes, but-"

"But?" Mr. Garrison lowered his eyebrows and ate a member berry. "What's the big deal, so my campaign was sucking Putin's dick, it's not like that's a crime."

"It- it is a crime, sir." The agent glanced at his comrade, who shrugged. "Besides that, we're not talking about Russian interference, sir. We can handle that, we've been handling it for years."

"So what was it? The Iranians?"

"Mr. President, we… we have reason to believe that members of your campaign were contacting intelligence officials from… someplace other than Earth."

Garrison raised an eyebrow, then ate another member berry. "Oh, jeeeeez."

Every one of South Park Elementary's students was sitting in the gym, having been called down for some sort of assembly. The school's principal, PC Principal stood in front of everyone, holding a microphone incredibly close to his face. Every time he made a hard "p" noise, the speakers popped.

"Alright everyone," he began, pacing the room as he spoke, "listen up. I know many of you are absolutely shocked and disgusted by the recent executive order affecting refugees." Kyle glanced at Stan, who shrugged. PC Principal continued to pace. "Although federal courts have repeatedly struck the order down, we still need to stay informed. It's not gone yet, and it won't go away unless we show those judges what we want as the American people. Here to present a speech on the importance of accepting refugees into our neighborhoods, is South Park's own, Eric Cartman."

The entire auditorium groaned upon hearing this, save for Heidi Turner, who shot her boyfriend a supportive smile and a thumbs up as he took the microphone from PC Principal.

"Good evening. Hello," Cartman greeted, smiling at his classmates. "Illegal aliens are being treated like dirt in this country. It's wrong. It's wrong! How does it feel, David, being treated unfairly by your peers?" One of South Park's Latino-American students, David Rodriguez, who was sitting in the front row, simply glared at Eric. "Come on, David. Come on, it's okay. This is a safe space, David." Cartman kept coaxing. "David? Don't wanna share your story, David?"

David stood up. "First of all, it's pronounced Dah-veed, fatass."

Cartman blinked. "Okay, that last comment was unnecessary and hurtful, but continue?"

David continued. "Second of all, I was born in Boise. I'm an American like you."

Cartman smiled. "That's where you're wrong, David. For you see, I recently found something out about myself."

Kyle put his face in his hands. "Oh, God, not this again," he groaned.

"I, too, am an illegal alien, David."

"I'm not an illegal."

Cartman took a step back as the crowd stared at him in disbelief. "I know. I was shocked to learn it too. I am, in fact, a refugee. A refugee… from another planet."

The entire auditorium fell silent. Wendy Testaburger raised her hand.

"Yes, Wendy?" Cartman pointed to her as she stood up.

"Are you mocking actual refugees, or are you just stupid?" she asked plainly, still in total disbelief at the completely asinine thing Cartman just said.

"I know it's a lot to take in, Wendy," Cartman sighed. "I know it's hard to believe. But I'm telling the truth. And I can prove it." Cartman began unbuttoning his jacket, leaving only his undershirt on. "Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves. This is quite shocking." Cartman threw off his undershirt, now standing completely bare chested in front of the student body. Like before, he had a rock in his belly button. Everyone simply stared at him. "You see, recently, I reached puberty. I started noticing weird changes with my body. Changes that… Weren't normal for an ordinary human. It was then that I knew. I am only half human. My real mother is an alien from a faraway Galaxy, and thousands of years ago, she saved this planet." He paced the room, showing off his navel stone. "Even I can't explain all of the changes I'm going through. Here to explain the changes that my body will be facing over the next few years, is the Canadian Minister of Health, Terry."

A mustached Canadian man in a suit approached Cartman and took the microphone. Everyone in the audience was growing more and more confused by the second. "Thanks, guy. You see, fwiends, Eric is not merely my guy. He is also my buddeh, and I am his fwiend. When I learned that Eric was going through what we in Canada call 'Refugee Puberty', I knew I had to come speak to this class. Eric is what we in Canada call, a 'Gem'. Gems are a kind of refugee. They came to Earth many years ago, but very few remain."

Terry paced the room while Stan and Kyle shot each other confused looks. "I believe that Eric may be one of what we in Canada call 'the last of his kind'. Therefore, I expect you all to treat him with dignity and respect as he goes through this very difficult time in a young refugee's life. Here are some of the things you can expect from Refugee Puberty." Terry, using a yardstick, pointed to a presentation that was now being projected in front of everyone. "First, as you've already seen, his gem will begin to manifest in a specific location of his body. As you've seen, Eric's is located in his navel." He pointed to the next bullet. "Second, you may notice that Eric's feelings towards his fwiends, buddehs, and guys will change." He shrugged his shoulders. "For example, you may notice that, when the topic of what we in Canada call 'fusion' is brought up, his dick gets hard." Everyone glanced at Cartman, then back at Terry. "Fusion, of course, is a process by which gems combine themselves to create one super gem. This process is what allows gems to climax."

The students were beginning to think that the Canadian Minister of Health had no idea what he was talking about.

After a long and painful presentation about a species that Eric and Terry almost certainly had made up, PC Principal realized that school was scheduled to end in roughly a minute. As such, everyone was dismissed. Kyle, Stan, Kenny, and Butters all marched out of the school, each having come out with a vastly different understanding of what occurred that day.

Kyle spent much of the walk ranting. "I can't believe that fatass managed to waste the whole day with his stupid bullshit presentation about his made-up secret double life."

Stan put his hands in his pockets. "Yeah, I guess."

Kyle continued. "Like, what even was the point of all of that? For a laugh? None of that was funny!"

Stan looked away. "Yeah, it's… it's really strange."

Kyle kept on going. "AND he's gotten the Canadian Minister of Health in on that?! How qualified is that guy?!"

Stan just shrugged, not making eye contact.

"Oh, don't- don't tell me you believe that BS!" Kyle asked in disbelief.

Stan looked at Kyle. "No, of course not, dude, but like…" Stan looked at the ground. "I think Cartman might believe his own BS."

They were silent. "That's… really sad," Kyle said finally.

Stan nodded. "I think he finally feels guilty about- about having his dad killed and ground up into chili?" He shrugged. "I dunno, I think it's just hit him and this is his way of coping."

Kyle was suddenly a lot less angry. "Dude…"

Butters perked up and smiled. "Well, I believe it!" he said cheerily. "It explains so much about him, li- like how all those weird things keep happening around us." He held his arms out in excitement. "It's not us, it's just him! His alien brain waves must be attracting all the weird stuff!"

The three other boys stared at Butters. Stan looked at Kyle. "See, at least Cartman is having an actual mental breakdown. Butters is just stupid." With that, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walked away, leaving Butters alone. Butters looked the other way and saw Eric and Heidi talking to each other. With a smile, he walked over to them.

"Heya, fellas!"

"Oh? Hey, Butters," Cartman greeted.

"I gotta go, babe," Heidi said, kissing her boyfriend on the cheek. "My dad's here!" Heidi walked off, leaving Eric and Butters alone.

"Boy, Eric, I had no idea you were so special!" Butters said in amazement.

Cartman simply looked down at the ground. "I think… in a way… I always knew," Cartman sighed. "I always knew I was cooler than the other kids. I just thought it was my natural charisma. But now I know. It's my destiny."

Butters balled up his fists and tapped them together apprehensively. "So, what're you gonna do now that you know the truth?" he asked.

Eric took in a deep breath. "I'm going to find my real family, and follow my mother's legacy," he resolved. He knew, deep down, this was what he was always meant to do. He was always different from the other kids. But now that he knew why he was different, his life had a new purpose. He was going to become so cool.

Butters clasped a hand on Eric's shoulder. "Well, I hope you find what you're looking for," he said reassuringly. "If there is any way, any way at all that I can help, you just let me know."

Eric smiled. "You know, Butters, you just might be able to help."

Later that night, as Stan ate dinner with his family, they talked about their respective days. His father, Randy was in the middle of a really dumb story. "And so then, get this. Nelson got his dick stuck in the disk drive. We had to call the fire department to get it out!" He laughed, though nobody else did. Sharon rolled her eyes, but she couldn't complain; at least he was trying to bond with his family now. It seemed like maybe the could finally move on from his silly antics and be a real family.

Randy glanced at his son. "Anyway, how was school, Stanley?" he asked.

Stan looked up. "We spent the whole day listening to this stupid assembly on refugees."

Randy raised an eyebrow. "Stanley, assemblies on refugees are not 'stupid', it's a very important issue that you need to be informed on."

"This one was stupid. Cartman kept talking about how he was something called a 'gem', and how he's actually a refugee from another planet."

Randy took another bite of his meal. "That's nice, St- wait, wait, hold on." He swallowed nervously. "Did- did you say… 'Gem?' Your friend Eric is a… Gem?"

Sharon raised an eyebrow. "Is something wrong, Randy?"

"N-nothing. No, nothing at all, your friends sure are silly Stan. Hey, Sharon, this was great, thanks for cooking, I'll make dinner tomorrow so don't worry about it," he said quickly as he excused himself from the table. Sharon was suspicious, but figured it was just Randy being Randy.

"I'll make sure we have créme fraîche," she said as her husband walked upstairs. There was no response as she heard the door close. "Huh, wonder what's gotten into him?"

Randy walked into his bedroom and locked the door. Sighing, he walked over to the computer and pulled up the internet browser. "You're overreacting, Randy," he said to himself. "It's a coincidence. Stanley's little friend is just being a little smartass, that's all. You're going to look at some internet porn and just… relax." He had meant to navigate to his favorite website, but… he wasn't feeling it. Nothing. He was too worried. "No! You're being stupid, Randy! How- how could Eric be one of them? It wouldn't make any sense." And yet…

The geologist stood up and walked over to the closet. Opening it, he found an old box that he was sure hadn't been opened in years. He rummaged through that box, until he found what he was looking for.

Randy stared at the photograph, his eyebrows furrowed. In the photo, he was pictured with four other women; three of whom had strange skintones. Randy knew these people. He knew what they were capable of. He could only guess what the others like them were capable of. If Eric Cartman claimed to be one of them…

...then they had a lot to answer for.