Summary: There is something about Nana. Or to be more specific, there is something about Sawada Nana's food. The Enemies of the Vongola Alliance are sure of it. (There is a reason Reborn does not interact with the lower echelon of the Mafia crowd. The so-called 'villain' act might have something to do with it). Vongola Decimo really has too much paperwork to be dealing with this.

Disclaimer: I don't own Katekyo Hitman Reborn.

''Excuse me, sir?''

The door fell shut behind the secretary, eerily creaking. A fire was burning in the hearth directly behind the desk- the only source of light in the entire office. Strange shadows danced across the room- though the largest of them all was definitely the one created by the high-backed chair facing the fire.

The room seemed to be empty.

The secretary knew better than that.

''Yes, Minion?'' The deep, ominous voice came from the direction of the chair.

The secretary in question huffed and crossed his arms. ''Sir, I am your secretary! Not a minion!''

His boss did not bother to turn around- the only thing visible was the back of the chair. Everything else was obscured by the brightness of the flames.

''Secretaries of villains are either super-secret sexy spies, assassins in disguise or the lover of the boss. Since I am straight, Minion, you would do a piss-poor job at either the super-secret sexy spy and the lover. So unless you want to be thrown into the alligator pit, you'd better be a Minion and not a Secretary.''

The secretary clenched his jaw, threw the clipboard he had been holding onto the desk and put his hands on his hips, glaring at the chair.

''So basically, I'm a secretary without the benefits?''

''Exactly. No lovin', no killin' and no spy chillin' for you, my Minion.''

The days the boss decided to be ''the cool guy'' were the worst. However, the secretary had been employed by the man long enough to know exactly how to deal with this.

His expression turned just a bit too innocent, even though his boss couldn't see his face. The secretary believed in setting the mood for these kind of things.

''Well, then I guess I will tell you about how your latest scheme to undermine the Vongola went, sir.''

The boss cackled. ''Oh, please do, Minion o' mine! Tell me of how my grand, malicious plot has spread its wings and learned to fly!''

The secretary sighed and pinched his nose, before straightening his glasses. ''Sir,'' he said, ''The self-destruction button on the robot was accidentally pushed by one of your subordinates before it could launch. You are currently two employees, a building and a robot down. On the bright side, you did gain something! Another one of my ''I told you so's''! I believe that's number 345.''

The chair turned around very quickly. The secretary saw it coming and held out the tissue box. His bosses loud bawling was hurting his ears, but then again, he was used to this.

''But I wanted to show it to Mario!'' the boss wailed, big fat tears rolling down his cheeks, ''He keeps bragging about how his son almost managed to give the Vongola's second in command a papercut! I just want to slap that smug little smirk off his face, but I can't do that until I do something more impressive to show him up!''

''There, there, sir,'' the secretary patted him on the back. The boss plucked a tissue out of the box and blew his nose loudly.

''Thank you, Minion,'' he said with red eyes, ''I wouldn't know what to do without you.''

Rolling around in the gutter like the utter baby you are, the secretary thought. But he couldn't exactly say that if he wanted to keep his job, so he just replied with: ''Yes, sir. You were talking about showing Mario up?''

The boss nodded enthusiastically, tears forgotten. ''Show me the reports of the Watch-Minions! I want to know all Vongola's weaknesses!''

The secretary sighed, but inclined his head and got the reports from his clipboard.

''The first one is utterly ridiculous, sir, but it might be good for a laugh,'' he told his boss. ''Minion 432-''

''Jim!'' the boss said cheerily.

The secretary glared at him.

''Yes, that would be his name, sir. He wrote down that he was sure that Vongola Decimo's mothers cooking was what made him so powerful. Not just in the way it does with any growing child, but as in ''Nana Sawada's food creates super humans''. He claims Hibari became a true monster once he had eaten hamburger steak there, and that all the Vongola Decimo's guardians, Bianchi Falco and several other Vongola members and associates have powered up there. He added that the Arcobaleno have also come over for dinner a few times. However, as they are the world's strongest, I doubt that that kind of progress would be measurable.''

The secretary chuckled. ''Such a ridicu-''

''Great idea!'' the boss cheered.

''….What?''

The boss began to whirl around on his chair. ''I remember this report from last year- apparently, Xanxus went there when he was little! There was this strange thing about it- before he visited he was all bark and no bite, but afterward, he was the ferocious anti-hero he is to this day! He's me, only he works for the good guys!''

Looking at his bosses potbelly, his secretary nodded very slowly.

How many lies the did secretary tell for this job? A countless amount, to be honest.

''Cue the music!'' The boss called.

Sighing, the secretary fished a remote out of his pocket and pushed the fourth button. The speakers on the walls (neatly hidden by portraits with moving eyes) thrummed. Violins and a piano created a fast paced melody that would not have been out of place in a TV-show.

''No, no, no! Not the Malignant Eureka music!'' Annoyed, the boss snatched the remote out of his secretaries hand. ''Why do I always need to do everything myself? I meant the Evil Plan tune!''

He pushed all the buttons, one by one. There was a small break at button two so he could sing along to ''All the Single Ladies'', before he had the tune he wanted. ''That's better.''

The boss began to move his fingers against each other in typical villain fashion. ''Now, I shall give you my orders!''

The entire wall- the one with the entrance to the office- fell backwards. The wind, air displaced by the cardboard décor falling down, blew the hair of the sea of men who stood behind it back. ''YES, SIR!''

The secretary sighed. Oh well, at least the budget cuts were helping- now they did not actually destroy real walls anymore. And there was much more money left for, you know, minor things like salary. Even a villains secretary couldn't live without money to buy cake, mind you.

''We shall go to Japan and steal Nana Sawada's superhuman creating food! We shall bear the harsh journey in order to spread chaos to every corner of this world! We shall kiss our stuffed animals goodbye and give our duckies enough bathwater to survive until we come back!

And remember, I need to monologue before I actually do the dastardly deed! And don't think I won't notice if you try to take even a teeny tiny rice grain! Yes, Jerry, I'm looking at you!

Don't forget to practice your malicious legwork for the crime exhibition we'll hold after and-''

The window shattered in an instant- glass raining onto the floor next to the dinner table. The boss and several of his lackeys swung through it on a rope. The black cape floated behind him dramatically for a few moments, but the image was ruined when the collar flipped down. One of the minions hurried to put it up again so that the red lining was showcased properly.

The boss slapped the minion's hand away- he'd never been good at standing still. He coughed to attract the attention of his audience, lifted his arms towards the ceiling with the grandness only a villain of his caliber possessed and let his booming laugh be heard.

''Muhahaha! You are at my mercy now, Nana Sawada! I will take my revenge on the Vongola! Your son will rue the day he decided to sit in my seat! I mean, sure, he did move when I told him it was my seat, but that was no act of kindness, I assure you! When I sat down, the seat was WARM! I never felt quite so disgusted in my entire life before- except for that time that I ate jello and my hands got sticky. I couldn't open the tab to wash my hands, because then the tab would be dirty too! After contemplating this dilemma for a while, I decided I had no choice and had to open the tab anyway, but my hands kept slipping off because of the jelly! Do you know how frustrating that is?! Let me tell you, as a respectable villain, it is extremely depressing! There are all kinds of- it's a long story. I'll get onto the childhood trauma part later. Anyway-''

''Ahem.''

The boss blinked. Who-

A young man, of about twenty-four years old, was sitting at the kitchen table, calmly drinking his tea. His mousy brown hair stuck up at strange angles and his glasses were slightly crooked. He was practically drowning in a far too large dark blue sweater, and his hand rested on the clipboard next to him.

Huh? Why was his secretary sitting at the kitchen table?

The boss scrambled forward- a shiver of pleasure going up his spine when his shoes dirtied the purple carpet. It was such a delight to be evil!

Concentrate!

As inconspicuous as possible, he whispered behind his hand: ''What are you doing here?''

Silence.

''Did she take you hostage?!''

The secretary sighed and put his teacup down on the table, folding his hands around it. ''No, sir,'' he said. ''I simply thought it would be polite if I called ahead. And before you continue your monologue, you might want to switch to Japanese. Sawada-san does not speak Italian.''

''Oh,'' the boss scratched the back of his head, and switched languages. ''I didn't think of that. Thanks, Mini- wait!'' he gasped, covering his mouth with his hand. ''That was a test, wasn't it! Don't worry, I'll be perfectly rude, like a good criminal becomes!''

He rubbed his shoes over the carpet again- just for the good measure.

He plopped down on the chair next to the secretary and tilted his head so that shadows fell across it. ''Nana Sawada,'' he said to the brown-haired woman behind the stove, ''We are here to steal your food!''

She turned around. The boss rubbed his palms together. He was ready for her terrified scream, pitiful whimper or heart-breaking plea! She was just the type for it too! All cute housewife just begging to be scared! This was probably the best fright he was going to give this year!

''Of course you can stay for dinner!'' She smiled, a flowery, sparkling aura around her head.

…

That was not the reaction had anticipated.

He was about to protest when she put a plate takoyaki in front of him. Damnit! How did she know squid was his weakness?!

He really should get on with his monologue, but a few minutes wouldn't be that bad, right?

Two hours later, a huge boom was heard just outside the Sawada residence.

''Aha!'' the boss jumped out of his chair, eyes alight and twirled his moustache around his finger. ''There they are! I wondered what was keeping them!''

He quickly grabbed some more sushi from the overflowing plate - it was too delicious not to sneak a few more bites!

The door slammed against the wall. Gokudera Hayato- the feared second in command of the Vongola! – strode into the room. His hair was disheveled, but there was not a single crease in the fabric of his black suit, nor in the red button up underneath it. Even the tie was still neatly tucked into the suit jacket!

It was no coincidence that he was dressed to the nines, the secretary knew. It was one of the influences of the World's Strongest Hitman, Reborn, who could extract all the blood in your body by hand and walk away without a single stain on his clothing.

Reborn had two rules when it came to his graduated students: Never be caught unaware or in anything but a suit, or you'll rue the day you were born.

Clearly, this statement also affected the guardians of said students.

The boss straightened up and puffed his chest out. ''Storm Guardian of the Vongola! You are powerless against me now! I have eaten Nana Sawada's superhuman food and have become invincible! I shall defeat you, and be the evilest of all! Never again I will be told: You're never going to be as evil as the Vongola was a few generations ago! Or, the more common: Don't be dumb, Burt, the mafia are good guys now! Haven't you heard? The Vongola became vigilantes again! Nag, nag, nag!I shall reign the underworld! Muhahaha!'' His lackeys laughed with him.

The boss smirked. ''My evil laugh is superb today, if I may say so myself. Where was I again? Oh yes, I will-''

Gokudera grabbed the high collar of the bosses cape and hoisted him into the air in one smooth move. ''Do tell me,'' he hissed in his face, ''why I should leave a bastard like you, who threatened a woman so divine she put Tenth on earth, live?''

The boss gulped and raised his hands, eyes wide. ''I didn't threaten her life! I only meant to torture her for a bit! I have an evil reputation to protect, you know!''

Just when the boss thought he would melt from the glare the Storm guardian was sending his way, someone cleared their throat.

Two men stood in the door opening. The first was a rather feminine young man. It was obvious that he was of Asian descent, but his eyes were too big and his hair too fly-away for him not to have mixed blood in there somewhere. Hmm, the boss wasn't actually sure if fly-away was the right word. Fluffy. That was it. The brown strands looked like they would feel extremely soft if you were to touch them.

The man did not exactly have curves, but he certainly did have a lean body and shoulders narrow enough to pass for a rather flat-chested woman if one did not look too closely.

Vongola Decimo. The man who had done such a dastardly deed as letting the boss sit on a warm chair!

If one would mistake Decimo for a woman, they would surely think the intimidating raven behind her was her grumpy, over-protective and possessive husband. The man loomed over the other. He was at least two heads taller.

Aha, that must be Decimo's Cloud Minion.

The Cloud Minion's intense eyes shifted to him, and the boss broke out in cold sweat. Could it be that the man had the ability read minds?!

He would make sure to call him something else, then. Not because he was afraid or anything! Just because he was a kind villain and not into dying at the hand of a minion. (The glare returned, the fear did too, and the boss mentally screamed at his thoughts to STOP SABOTAGING THE GREAT EVILNESS OF US!)

The glare intensified.

The boss decided that he was A. not touching that with a ten-foot pole. B. going to run for his life the minute he saw a chance to escape.

Nana clapped in her hands. ''Oh, Tsu-kun! How sweet that you've come all the way to Japan to do a play for your old mother!''

Vongola Decimo's eyes turned soft at his mother's greeting.

''This is the man we were looking for, Tenth!'' Gokudera said, shaking the boss up and down in a manner that looked a lot like shaking out a folded tissue.

The boss did not appreciate being treated like a tissue (let alone a folded one. Villains did not fold- though they did crease and hide a lot if necessary), but thought better of commenting. It did help him, though- Gokudera had shaken the worst of the fear out of him.

So he pointed at Vongola Decimo decidedly. Even though it was hard to strike a pose when held up in the air, the boss was certain that he was plenty intimidating. After all, he was The Boss.

''Tsunayoshi Sawada! After many long and grueling hours, my sweat, tears and blood, I have uncovered the secret to your success!'' The boss left some room for their dumbfounded gasps, but was disappointed to discover that there were none. ''You dare to underestimate me, Vongola?!''

The caramel-haired man smiled, surrounded by sparkles and flowers.

The boss paled.

''You said something about torturing my mother?''

It was the most sinister thing the boss had ever seen- and more disturbingly, the cutest thing too. That beam was deadly.

He was clearly far, far more dangerous than the man looming behind him.

The boss gulped.

Okay. Plan B it was. ''I give!'' he yelled, raising his hands, feet still dangling in the air. ''White flag! White flag! Have mercy on a fellow Italian!''

Pleadingly, he looked at the brown-haired woman in the corner of the kitchen. ''I swear, Mrs. Sawada, I was only going to tickle you for a little bit! I even wrote a note to your son about how I had discovered your weakness! Your little toe is the most ticklish!''

Nana giggled at his antics, but Vongola Decimo's mouth fell open. He spun on his feet, towards the large man behind him. The height difference and their proximity made the way he had to crane his neck in order to look him in the eye a rather silly picture. ''Kyoya? I thought you said that the note contained serious threats of torture!''

His outraged tone was hilarious.

Kyoya? If the boss remembered it right, that was the guardian who did some modeling on the side- stalking down runways in his free time was apparently his hobby.

The way you could hear the man grit his teeth made the boss wince. ''Pineapple Head will be bitten to death.''

Nana giggled. ''Oh, Rokudo-san is such a joker! What a dear to help you with your performance! I know how much he loves acting! Remember that time he pretended to drown your father? So well done!''

Tsuna beamed. ''Oh, yes! Tou-sans screams for help were especially great!~''

Nana nodded. ''They were very realistic!''

…

Decimo's agreement was a little too enthusiastic. The boss got the sneaking suspicion that the almost-drowning of Iemitsu Sawada might not have been an act at all…

Nana picked up a few plates from the counter. ''If he's coming, we'll have to get a chair out of the storage! We'll have a wonderful family dinner!''

Tsuna smiled and shook his head. The boss felt shivers running down his spine. ''Oh, no. Mukuro won't be coming for quite some time, kaa-san.''

But he didn't protest when she pushed him into a chair, so Nana wasn't upset about Mukuro's absence for too long.

''Now,'' Vongola Decimo said, pinching his nose after a very satisfying meal. ''What should we do about you? It turns out you're actually pretty harmless, though the paperwork you've been causing me certainly isn't.''

The boss thought about protesting the ''harmless'' comment, but decided it would be rather rude after Vongola let him join the feast even though he was his enemy. Fortunately, he knew exactly how he should reply to the Decimo's query.

''I would like to join you!'' he chirped. ''Your cuteness makes you far more dangerous than any villain I've ever met! I'd be honoured to become a good guy for you!''

Gokudera snorted. ''And why should Decimo let you-'' he stopped in the middle of his sentence, suddenly lighting up.

Vongola Decimo appeared to be quite interested in what his guardian had thought up, and leaned forward slightly, nodding at him.

A devilish smile spread across Gokudera's face. ''The cow brat keeps whining that he's the only one who doesn't have his own men.''

For a moment, Decimo looked like he was going to say something along the lines of: No, nope, Hell No.

But then his tired expression disappeared. Decimo tapped his bottom lip. ''Hmm… He would be too busy then to give me a heart-attack at six in the morning by putting my paperwork in the wrong pile, or, god forgive me, destroy it.''

Smirking (''So adorable!'' the boss squealed inside his head) Decimo leaned back into his chair, crossing his arms and putting his ankle on his left knee. ''Oh, yes. That's a great idea!''

The boss cheered and turned towards his secretary, clutching his hands while jumping up and down in his seat. ''This will be my redemption arc! Hear that, Minion? I'm gonna be a hero!''

The young man freed his hands and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

''I'm happy for you, sir. But I'm afraid I will have to resign. I am a secretary for bad guys only.''

The boss waved him away. ''Yes, yes. You never were my secretary, but I suppose evil minions won't look good with a hero. The others can become sidekicks, or resign, because heroes don't fire people.''

The secretary sighed.

''Believe what you will, sir.''

The room was dark when the door opened, the only light coming from the hallway- falling down on the floor like a shadow made of fire. A young man entered, closing the door behind him, not even bothering to search for a light switch.

''Mission accomplished.''

The light flashed on, and the young man seemed to melt away, replaced by a pretty orange-haired woman dressed in a smart suit jacket and a pencil skirt. With an amused glance towards the man sitting at the table, she sat down next to his female companion.

''Kufufufufufu! Oh, Kyoko~. Deciding to teach you how to use that pretty flame of yours might have been one of the best decisions I've made to date. The hilarity! The Showmanship! The chaos!'' Mukuro rubbed his palms together, laughing creepily all the while. ''I have three disciples were the skylark has an army, and still, mine wipe the floor with his! Kufufufu!''

Kyoko smiled so sweetly that even Mukuro twitched slightly. Though whether it was a twitch of excitement (he had taught her so well) or fear, she could never quite figure out. Knowing her teacher, though, it was probably the former.

''Well, as the man said himself: Secretaries of villains are either super-secret sexy spies, assassins in disguise or the lover of the boss. He simply refused to listen when I told him time and time again that I was one- he truly didn't believe me.'' She put her elbow on the table, resting her cheek on her hand, tapping the clipboard with the nail of her index finger. ''He was so easy to play too.''

Even Chrome let out a quiet giggle at that. ''Bossu will be happy, Kyoko-chan.''

''Hmm, and I will be too if you'll join me for lunch. There's this new restaurant right down the street, and Haru told me their Cassata is to die for!''

Somwhere far away, Lambo screamed of frustration.