Rebel with a cause

My childhood

My childhood was no ordinary one. I was raised by my father, (well 'raised' is an overstatement). I practically raised myself. My mother flew in and out the course of my childhood. But even on the rare occasions she did show up, she spent most of her time controlling what she couldn't, or more like, what she had no right to. She wasn't the most responsible person either, like my father, she had some selfish traits. But with my father... well, his 'business' trips came first. His women came first. His money came before us all. I was the little boy who was raised by hotel staff, waiting for his dad to come home. Whenever he did, he always acted like I was a spoiled brat who never appreciated the rich, accomodating life he provided me with. To him, a boy complaining about walking home from school alone was me being entilted, because, after all, I had more than most kids, right?

Kindergarden

I wasn't very social... even as I child I was a natural-born introvert. I was used to being alone... in my comfort zone, so naturally, being a loner felt safe. Two kids stood out to me growing up. There was Steve Sanders, The Golden Boy. Mr Popular. He was practically the celebrity in our midst... and, Kelly Taylor. She was the beautiful blonde kid... I liked her, and not in an 'Oh I like her' way, but she was pretty, and kids like pretty, shiny things. But that wasn't the reason I liked her. There was something about her, her eyes. She was the only kid in class with sad eyes, the only one besides me. She was nice to me. I didn't like many people being around me, but I enjoyed her company.

Elementary

Naturally I hadn't got close to anyone, of course, and by the time I was 12, I had cut everyone out, anyone that even tried to befriend me. I didn't know how to handle that kind of thing. All relationships are built by you, and you are built by the foundation your parents provide you with, and well, I had to build my own, and all I could build was walls... keep everyone out. If you keep the people out, you keep the pain out. But by this age, it was harder to ignore my pain. So I found a form of love, alcohol. That was probably my first ever relationship. Find something there that makes you forget your pain. By the time I was 14, I found something even better, sex. Naturally I didn't have any relationships, because how would I know what to do with one. But sex, like alcohol, or any other drug, stopped the pain for a second. It wasn't easy to find girls my age that could understand my lack of intimacy and commitment. But there were always some slightly older girls that didn't mind helping out the poor, rich boy. Which is important to remember because throughout my entire life I have come across those girls. Valerie, Gina... even Brenda. Girls who want to save you. You see, girls in Beverly Hills, who grew up like I did, famous parents, abandonment issues, they knew better than to try and save you. Girls like Kelly and Donna... grew up with their own set of celebrity kid issues. Kelly never tried to save me... she knew me better than that. She had her own stuff going on, and like me, she knew, trying to save someone feels like pity. For most people that want to play the saviour role; it makes them feel better, maybe they're doing their part for humanity, or maybe it makes them feel better about themselves because they're saving the poor, lost soul. But in Beverly Hills, that's the last thing we want someone to do. That makes us feel even worse.

Last year of Elementary

By the time I was 15, I still hadn't learned anything. I had tried to make friends... well, not friends, more like acquaintances so I wouldn't have to get drunk all by myself. I would reconnect with people like Steve and Kelly once in a while. They were always around but by then they were mr and mrs popularity... and dating. I'm not gonna lie, watching Kelly with Steve was a bit of a pill to swallow, as I stated earlier, I had a thing for her. But it didn't affect me too much, after all, even if I had some sort of feelings for her, I wouldn't know what to do with them. I wouldn't have noticed what they were to do something about it. So, as a kid with no parental guidance, no sense of morality, and no actual, deep human relationships, what was I to do in a giant hotel? Throw pool parties, get drunk, high and get laid.

High School

High school was one of those turning points in my life. We all have those, and this was my first one. Thanks to Brandon Walsh. The Walshes were small town people, still pure, as we'd call them, they haven't been cursed by Beverly Hills. He was the first person to ever, actually befriend me. No agenda, no condescention, just friendship. It was refreshing, he befriended me because he knew no one, and I was alone. It was a two-way thing... everything was pretty one-sided in my life until that point. His parents, Jim and Cindy... wow I had never met anyone like them, not here anyway. Jim, a protective, supportive father. Cindy, a loving and compassionate mother. Hell, if i had known what that felt like, and being in their cosy, warm home. It was a family. I longed for that... and their daughter, Brenda Walsh. Now she, she was a big turning point in my life. She taught me HOW to love. Before her, I didn't know what it was to care about someone so deeply, and more importantly, have someone who cared about you so deeply. How she broke down my walls, I'll never know, but I'm glad she did. Because if it weren't for her, I'd never have been able to fall in love, I never would have learned what it meant to commit to a relationship. I'm forever grateful for her. I understand that even more now that I'm older. I always think, if I had gone after Kelly Taylor before, Brenda... I would have ruined everything, we would have self-destructed. Kelly and I did not know how to love. We would have been trying to channel our feelings... blindly. Ultimately that would have resulted in us, getting drunk, high and having sex. Instead of loving each other, we would have being using each other as a painkiller. So I'm glad I didn't know what to do with any sense of love until Brenda. Brenda Walsh taught me how to love.

I'm not gonna lie... Learning to love and commit was not easy for me. I was always tempted to go and be selfish... I did a couple times. But Brenda was patient with me... she wasn't the strongest person, but she loved me... and she was intent on helping me learn. She believed in me, she believed I could do better and no one had ever believed in me like that before.

It wasn't easy at all. Relationships are hard for healthy people, so for me, it was even harder. Her father, big Jim... boy, did he give us a hard time. I couldn't understand it before, why wasn't I good enough for his daughter? If they loved me as much as they say they did. I always appreciated Brenda standing up for me. At least someone is on my side, I thought. But now that I'm older, I understand they were both on my side. And now that I am a father... I completely understand the need to protect his offspring... especially from broken kids of Beverly Hills.

That Summer

I loved Brenda, I really did... But there were parts of me that I didn't ever want to let go of. Things that made me, me. I knew eventually this might become an issue. I know Brenda loved me for me, but I also knew our differences would result in our inevitable end. She wanted an ambitious man, a go-getter. Brandon was like that, so was her father. Those were the men she knew. The men who earned what they got. Who fought for what they got. They were do-ers. I wasn't. I was a thinker. I didn't have any 5 or 10 year plans. I wasn't ambitious. I was just trying to survive and grow... one day at a time.

We'll always have Paris

I'm going to sound like an asshole at this stage of the story, but try to bare with me. I know I was not the most wholesome, mature, or well-put-together person. But I was a pretty smart kid. I saw people for who they were, not what they were. I saw things, deeply. I never took anything at face-value. Those are the kind of things you learn when you've struggled so long in life.

I'm not proud of what I did when Brenda left for Paris. I certainly should have handled it better and I'm not making excuses, but, did I really know any better when it came to emotional relationships and interactions with people?

Most of you will probably think I cheated on my girlfriend with a hotter chick, right? But that's where you're wrong. I fell for Kelly for one reason, and one reason only. We connected. She was the first person in my life that I truly connected with, besides my father. I don't know what it was, but all I remember was that night at Paradise Cove, I knew something. I knew that this connection was deep... real deep. This girl understood me in a way that no other could unless they were taught how to for years. And for the first time in my life, I had a bond with someone that reminded me I'm not alone in the universe.

That 'affair' made me feel like this is it. I'll break up with Brenda, I'll be with Kelly... my soul is telling me, this is it. I know that sounds crazy, I'm a sixteen year old kid, but I can't describe the feeling of being with her.

She on the other hand... she had more severe abandonment issues than I did. And unlike me, she was not used to being alone. She leaves before she was left. That was her motto. My motto is, I'm used to beling alone, let them leave, I'll be fine without them, always was, always will be.

Naturally, given her motto, she did exactly that. She ended things... and I agreed with her. Maybe I didn't want to, but I had to, after all I didn't know any better either. We were kidding ourselves to think we were emotionally strong enough to handle an affair. Or maybe deep down, we were little romantics, that believed the past memory of an old flame was enough. Only unfulfilled love can be romantic, right? Back then I thought she truly was doing what she thought was best for us. It was only later on that I found she was 'leaving before she was left.' I guess she believed I would stay with Brenda once she got back from Paris. When the truth was I stayed with Brenda because Kelly made it me feel that there was nothing there to hold on to.

Senior Year

It was A LOT harder than I thought it would be. Trying to forget everything that happened between me and Kelly. Trying to move on. But I had to try, right? Kelly wanted that, or so I thought. It was best for both of us. I shouldn't give up what I have with Brenda, for a girl who doesn't want to get too close to me.

But naturally, you can't silence your heart forever, and you can't hide these things. It was bursting out in other ways. Brenda and I were disconnecting, we were lying to ourselves about what we really wanted. She wanted what we knew she would eventually want, a do-er. I wanted to keep some part of ME, still. I wanted someone who would understand me and not make me shred parts of my soul to be more decent and stable. There are some things man can't change about himself... his core. But I couldn't leave her, who was I before her, if there was no Brenda, I'd still be a loner kid, with no family, no friends, and no compassion for another human being. I was scared of the unknown. People like me and Kelly, we love the thrill of the risk, but deep down we are just scared little children. So I couldn't leave Brenda and waltz into the unknown. I couldn't leave the only thing I have and risk, going back to being my self-destructive self, again!

But Brenda, she didn't have the same tolerance as I did. I was used to sticking it out... I didn't have many other options. But Brenda, if she didn't like something, she'd change it. She grew up in a house where it was possible to be happier... So she called me out on it and ended it. And it turns out, it wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. Actually, it made me feel like, for the first time, I should go after what I want. So I did... I drove straight to Kelly and fought for something. I know she wanted me to. I knew she'd be skeptical, but she wanted me to.

Our first offical date. It was at the planetarium, Kelly and I just... fell into each other. it felt so right. I had found the realest thing in my life. We got lost together... and found. I found myself, she found herself. We found ourselves in each other. For a moment, we forget all our issues, we weren't scared, we actually had hope. Until it was interrupted by Brenda. That interaction inevitably caused Kelly's trust issues, her intimacy issues and her abandonment issues to resurface. And she ran. And I was a coward, so naturally, I ran too.

When I came back from our brief escapism, I wanted to give it another go. I knew Kelly did too, but we were both too afraid. So I hesitated. Do I take the risk and go for it. Or should I go back to Brenda, where I can't get hurt, where I'm safe, back to what I know. Kelly could hurt me... Brenda never would. It wasn't until my father returned. Kelly and I were overlooking the pool, she was in a red dress, had her signature red lipstick. That was the colour I associated with her. And for the first time, she opened up to me, she spoke of her mother's divorce, the pain in her childhood. And I looked in her eyes and that's when I knew. I knew exactly what our connection was. We had sympatico psyches. I knew then, she was the one.