Warning: this chapter might contain a higher dose of fluff than you are used to from me :-D

And another warning: it's been brought to my attention that I may have entered the realm of M rated with this chapter due to - shall we call it a happy ending? Darn; too lazy to change the rating; be hereby warned ya all; sex stuff ahead ;-)

beta'd by ebineez01 (highly necessary this time); thanks luv!

After a lot of vodka and blood it had felt like a good idea. The next night Spike wasn't so sure about it anymore. He'd never talked to a shrink before, and this one had heard a lot about him. All bad, probably. He'd been surprised she'd agreed to see him at all. So here he was, talking to Harmony's therapist. He was incredibly tense, torn between wanting her help and brushing her off, and it took a few reminders that everything he said would be treated confidentially to make him relax enough to actually start to talk.

"So how did you part?"

He closed his eyes, reliving that horrible moment in his crypt.

"I basically told her to leave me alone."

"And did you mean that?"

"No! Well, at that moment - yes, but - no. I don't mean that. I love her."

"Then why did you say it?"

"Because I was mad."

She kept looking at him in that annoying fashion that he thought must come with the psychology degree. Like she knew he wasn't telling her the whole truth, and she let him know that she knew. Pff. Fine.

"And – embarrassed."

The look was still in place.

"And hurt, OK?! Damn it."

Now she was smiling at him. He wouldn't have been surprised if she'd said "Good boy" or something of the like. He blew out a breath. So what. It was true. It had hurt like hell, the way Buffy had laughed at him when he'd been that vulnerable. It still hurt.

"What are you going to do?"

"I've no soddin' idea."

OK. The Look again. But her voice was soft, friendly:

"What would you like to do?"

"I'd like to throw myself at her feet!"

"And why haven't you done that?"

"Because it's never gonna stop. She'll keep using me and throwing me away and it'll keep hurting like a bitch and I – I can't take it anymore."

"So something's got to change."

"Yeah." He sat up straight. "Something's gotta change."

~o0o~

Spike had been watching her for twenty minutes, all the way from the Doublemeat Palace to her house, and she still hadn't noticed him. That worried him even more than the way her shoulders sagged, and the fact that she never looked up, and how unbelievably heavy her feet seemed to be. He hadn't been sure if he wanted to talk to her, but now his heart broke for her, and he just had to check on her. Make sure she was just tired. When she sat down on the steps leading to her house he braced himself and stepped out of the shadows. She looked up, and for a horrible second he thought she was going to ignore him. But then she gave him the tiniest smile - and then she started to cry. He dropped to his knees and took her hands.

"You came back", she whispered. God the look in her eyes. Beyond tired. Hollow. Empty. Drained. Spike swallowed around the lump in his throat and nodded.

"Where else would I be, luv?"

She was shaking, and he realized she could barely keep it together.

"Tell me what you need."

She started sobbing in earnest.

"I'm sorry, Spike! Please just - can you please try to forget what I did to you and just - be there for me again? Can I please - I know you told me to stay away from you, but -"

"Shhh." He let go of her hands to brush the tears off her face.

"I'm here. I was mad, and I'm sorry I said that."

She sat straighter and tried to get the sobbing under control.

"No. You were right to say the things you said. I've been thinking... While you were gone, and I didn't know if you..."

She drew a shuddering breath.

"I owe you the biggest apology in the history of apologies, and if you can't accept it, I guess I can't blame you, but please -"

She was at a loss. She needed him, and she was scared to death he might tell her no. What if he'd been thinking too while he was away, what if he'd made a decision to protect himself... She realized he was still looking at her, a soft, gentle look that spoke volumes about how he felt about her. His smile widened a little, and then he leaned in for a sweet gentle kiss that made her tears flow anew, and she collapsed against his chest.

"God I missed you so much", she breathed as his arms went around her, pulling her closer, sheltering her.

While she allowed herself to relax into his embrace memory flooded her:

talking to Clem, thinking that Spike would be back in a day or so;

trying to get a glimpse of him every time she was patrolling;

going back to the crypt to see if Clem had any new information;

realizing he was really gone - and might not come back;

snapping at Dawn;

losing patience with her friends over nothing;

and finally, Willow suggesting she needed some stress relief. That conversation had gone something like...

"Stress relief? What if my stress relief left town because I'm such a horrible person? What if he won't come back? What if-"

She'd started crying at that point, refusing to voice the rest of the sentence. '- I've lost him?'

Willow had looked at her wide eyed.

"What do you mean left town? Who -"

And then the penny had dropped.

"Whoa, wait a minute. Are we - I mean I haven't seen Spike in a while! Are we talking about Spike here?"

And Buffy had started talking about Spike and hadn't been able to stop and in the middle of it all she'd realized how much she needed him. How much she missed him. Not just the sex. His dry humor. The smirk. The way he fought. The way he could read people. And the way he looked at her. She'd realized how hurt he really must have been – enough to leave Sunnydale. That she was the reason he'd left, and that he might not come back. And she'd broken down. She'd realized she didn't know how to handle her life day after day without him.

Coming back to the present she whispered:

"I need you so much."

"I'm here", he said once more. "I love you, and I'll do anything you need. Just please - can you please try to see I'm not a thing? That I am able to love, and to hurt, and that my heart can break even if it doesn't beat?"

She pulled back to look at him.

"I'm so sorry, Spike", she said again. Then she straightened.

"I have to take a shower and change."

At his confused look she sighed.

"If I patrol smelling like this, every vamp within -"

She clasped her hand over her mouth.

"How aren't you sick to your stomach?"

He chuckled.

"I'll live."

Then he turned serious.

"You can't patrol, you're dead tired. Have you been sleeping at all?"

She just looked away.

"Tell you what. You get some rest. I patrol."

"I can't - you don't have to do that."

"It's fine, luv. Get some rest."

He could tell she was debating with herself. Then she let out a breath and bit her lip.

"Can you come back here when you're done?"

"Report? Sure, if you think that's necessary."

"No, I meant come back to me. Come to bed with me."

She hesitated.

"Someone mentioned snuggling."

She looked at him as if she was expecting him to explode again, but instead there was a tentative smile on his face. Insecure, not sure if she was being serious.

"Please?", she begged.

She wanted him in her room, in her bed. She'd never wanted that before, and it made his gut clench. Maybe - maybe she had started to see him. Maybe she could even - come to love him. He could tell she was trying. It was a start.

~o0o~

Buffy woke up when he came into her room even though he'd been as quiet as possible.

"Hey", he whispered and sat down on her bed.

"Hey, how'd it go?"

"Nothing unusual. Slow night. Go back to sleep, luv."

"Can't."

"Huh?"

"Need you here with me."

She turned onto her back and looked up at him.

"Want you here with me. Please."

He smiled, took off his boots and coat and slipped under the blanket. She curled up in his arms and fell asleep in an instant. Oh Lord. Here he was, with the woman he loved sleeping in his arms, in her bed. He'd have to be careful not to fall asleep himself or he might get trapped at the house. Just a few hours until sunrise.

When he felt dawn approach he got out of bed and put his boots on. One last look at the woman he loved peacefully sleeping in her comfy bed, and he was gone.

~o0o~

Buffy showed up at his crypt shortly after Clem had packed his stuff and left, assuring Spike that it was OK and that he was glad the vampire was back in town. They'd agreed on a poker game the night after, and Clem had casually mentioned he wouldn't mind Spike bringing Buffy along. Huh. Might actually be a good idea!

"Hey", she kissed him and he pulled her closer, not wanting the kiss to end.

"What's with the disappearing?"

"Daylight", he murmured and kissed her again. "Didn't wanna be caught."

She pulled away.

"Oh my god, I should have told you!"

"Told me what, luv?"

"They know! I told them."

"Who knows what?"

"Dawn, and my friends, they know. About - what we had. I told them! You don't have to sneak out of the house! That is - if..."

All of a sudden she was scared, unsure if he still wanted - what they had had. No, she knew he didn't want what they had had. He wanted her, all of her. He wanted - that train of thought was interrupted when he pulled her into a passionate kiss. His voice was hoarse when he said:

"I love you, slayer. God I love you so much."

She kissed him back and whispered against his lips:

"I'm so glad you came back."

~o0o~

God how he'd missed this. Buffy's sweet hot mouth on him, getting him hard in no time. He knew she'd let go any moment now, straddling him instead. Only she didn't, and he was getting dangerously close.

"Buffy, stop!", he moaned even though that was the last thing he wanted.

She stilled briefly but then claimed him again, and he just knew it would be over very, very soon.

"I won't last much longer", he growled through gritted teeth, "so if you expect me to be of any use to you..."

But she just kept teasing him, merciless and skilled.

"Buffy!"

His tone made her freeze. He pulled away from her, anger all over his face.

"So here we are again. You know I have a hard time resisting you, and still when I do tell you no you just ignore me. You ignore me even with your mouth wrapped around my cock. There is a person attached to this toy, you know?"

Buffy blanched.

"That's - that's not what I wanted! I wanted this to be for you! For you to let go."

"You never do that!"

"I know. It just occurred to me, too - it's always been foreplay, getting you ready. It's never been solely about you. I want to do this for you."

Spike relaxed and let out a low chuckle.

"I'm probably the first bloke in history who needs to be persuaded."

Buffy laughed and looked up at him through her lashes.

"So do I have permission to make you come?"

His head fell back and a low moan escaped him.

"Granted."