Grasping at Letters

When Severus Snape heard the prophecy, he rightly assumed that the Dark Lord would find the information very useful. It had been his last chance. The Dark Lord already had all of Severus' recipes. There wasn't anything more that Severus could teach or show or bargain with other than the flying spell- the one that he and Lily had made together, the one that he had promised himself he would never teach to anyone.

The prophecy was vague. His heart rejoiced at this. It would be nearly impossible to sort through the number of people that the Dark Lord believed had defied him- after all, he believed that about everyone except for himself. The madman had grown ever more paranoid as time went on- there had been some whispers in the higher ranks that he'd even killed some of his most loyal operatives after accusing them of sabotage. Severus had been looking for a way out for a long time, and this, he was certain, would be his ticket to do so.

But things, as it turned out, were not that easy.

They never were.

He sat at the desk the night after the September 15th Death Eater meeting, his quill quivering in his hand. Steeling his jaw, he placed pen to parchment and began to write.

Dear Lily,

I know we haven't spoken very much, as I have done my best to abide by your wishes, but I must beg you to please reconsider staying in Wizarding Britain.. Please take your husband and son out of the country until the war is over. You were the only person who ever called me a friend, and for that, I cannot sit idly by while your family is in danger.

Please, talk to Albus.

Yours,

Severus

He handed the letter to Albus, his hand quivering with fear. The headmasters eyebrows furrowed for a moment and he cast a spell on the envelope to check it for dark magic.

"You still don't trust me," Severus grumbled, shoving his hands in the pockets of his traveling cloak.

"Severus, I am merely following your wishes and keeping them safe," Dumbledore sighed in reply. "I shall deliver the letter."

Severus finished giving his report and Apparated back to Spinner's End, his mind consumed with depressing thoughts and a sense of self loathing.

He stared at the knives hanging over the kitchen stove for a long moment before turning away.

No. Not tonight.

He still had work to do.

Severus was not expecting the letter that Albus Dumbledore handed to him the next time they met. Even without bringing the envelope up to his nose, he could smell Lily's distinct rose-and-lemongrass scent, which was unchanged even after so many years. It made him feel pathetic with longing, and he forced himself to shove down the anguish until his eyes were hard and black and empty.

"She is doing well," Albus said simply, without being asked. "The baby keeps her rather sleep deprived, but she's healthy and happy."

"Thank you, sir," Severus said, his voice bereft of emotion.

"Off with you, then," Dumbledore said cheerfully.

Severus went.

Severus,

I'm not sure why you seem to think that you can change my mind, but it is at least very kind of you to show your concern. This is my home. I belong here, and so does my family. I won't be run out for being the "wrong sort." You should understand how that feels, Sev. You spent a lot of time being run out of shops for looking like the wrong sort as well. But instead of understanding you joined up with the very man who wants me and everyone like me to be dead. DEAD, Sev. Do you know what that means? Did you think that he didn't really mean it when he said that? That the power, fame, and glory he promised you was somehow worth throwing the rest of us in the fire? Albus told me why you did what you did. I know I must be happy that you had at least the tiniest shred of decency to help us hide, but let's not kid ourselves. If it had been anyone else but me, you wouldn't have done it.

Hah. I meant to write a short note, and here you have me writing a missive. I guess that's what happens when the baby is teething and refuses to sleep. I tell myself that I can see the good in anyone. After all, I did marry James-Fathead-Potter. Even though you were a bit rough and I didn't always agree with your methods, I used to know that your heart was in the right place, Sev, but now I'm not sure you have a heart left at all.

I'd better stop writing. The words are beginning to blur from sleep deprivation.

-Lily

Severus didn't realize he was crying until the first few tears hit the parchment and the ink began to smear. Her scent, which was pressed into the parchment filled his head with bittersweet memories. He hurriedly folded it and slipped it back inside the envelope, casting a Stasis Charm on it. He knew it was pathetic, but at that particular moment, he didn't particularly care.

Lily,

I know I shouldn't keep writing to you, but you must know that I have done my best to atone for my sins. I know I have made many, many mistakes. Believe me, nothing you have to say to me is nearly as harsh as what I tell myself, but I am doing my best to make up for what I have done wrong. The Dark Lord is going mad, or he has already gone. It's hard to tell the difference nowadays. He is paranoid, he looks for reasons to maim or kill even his most ardent followers. Even Bellatrix Lestrange got subjected to his Crucio at the last meeting for speaking out of turn to praise him.

I am not telling you to leave because you are not welcome here. I am telling you to leave because regardless of what has happened, I want you to survive while Albus works to defeat the Dark Lord once and for all.

I shouldn't say this. If the Dark Lord were to find out, I would be executed. But I need you to know. I need you to understand. Please. My life is worth less than that yours and that of your family...your happiness.

I will pay out of pocket for the portkey myself if that will convince you.

Please.

Lily.

Save yourself.

Yours,

Severus

Lily's next letter was brief.

Sev,

Spoke with James. He agrees that we can't trust you. The charm we're using should protect us. Albus suggested it, and we all know that You-Know-Who is scared of his power. And, on the off-chance that your portkey is a trap, I have asked Albus to destroy any subsequent letters or items that you send.

Sorry, Sev, but I can't take chances with my family.. Maybe we can talk when this stupid war is finally over.

Love,

Lily

Severus stared at the word above her name, his heart thudding so quickly he thought it might burst.

She loves me. She still loves me.

He didn't have any delusions that it would ever be romantic. But with his mother dead more than a year, and his father lost to drinking a few years before that, Severus had no one to love.

No one but Lily.

And she loves me.

He held the note to his chest, willing himself to breathe and wanting nothing more than for the war to be well and truly over.

But it wasn't that simple.

It never was.

It never would be.