Rose is a fantastic character, don't get me wrong, but not very relatable to someone like me. I have never been happy with the way I look, and I know I'm not alone in this. My body image is still something that I struggle with on a daily basis. It's so difficult not to compare myself to every other girl I see, nor is it very difficult to find myself lacking every time. Like any other journey, it has ups and downs.

Despite appearances, I wrote this fic to promote body positivity. Every day, we encounter so many things that tell us we aren't good enough, which is absolute bullshit. Consider this a reminder to love yourself the way you are because you are amazing.

I stare at myself in the full length bathroom mirror in horror.

But this can't be right! I tell myself, pinching the additional layer of flabby flesh between my thumb and forefinger. It must be the steam on the mirror from the shower or something!

Of course, I know it isn't the steam.

Lissa and I have been at Lehigh for a couple of months now. She has to attend to her studies as well as her numerous royal duties, while I not only have to guard her, but also have to take the same subjects as her. So I can't just slack off and risk failing the course if I want to continue to guard her. Add the smidgen of a social life that we manage to eke out, and we're both practically busy around the clock.

My horror turns to misery as I take inventory of my entire excessive exterior. With a sinking feeling in my much larger gut, I remember the one or two gym sessions I may have skipped in order to study for a test or to put in an extra shift. Thinking back, I realise that I haven't set foot in the gym in over a month. Then there's the severe upswing in the intake of sugary junk food in my diet of late -added to my recent lack of sleep- and that might explain the current depressing state of my body.

My eyes rove once more over the pockets of fat that seem to have collected overnight, and at last, my misery takes the expected turn up Self-Loathing Lane, pulls up the handbrake, and turns off the engine.

Suddenly, I can't bear to look any longer. Tears gather in my eyes as I wrap myself in a towel, but there isn't enough fabric to disguise my double chin or my cankles. And how on earth did I get so pale? Isn't my father from the Middle-East, for fuck's sake?

The truth is, I've always looked good.

Between my hardcore guardian training and my high-functioning dhamphir metabolism, ever since puberty I've basically just been five feet of curves and muscle. And with my awesome hair, flawless skin and big eyes, I've never really had to worry about my looks. Even when I doubted myself, there was still the sizable queue of guys around every corner, throwing me compliments that cleared it right up.

It's not that I'm vain exactly, I just like looking good. I mean, who doesn't? It makes me feel confident, and that overflows into every aspect of my character. I've never really been insecure about my appearance before. But now that I'm seeing myself in the mirror, I have to face the facts: I've gained the Freshman Fifteen.

I exit the bathroom, locked into orbit on my downward spiral of despair, and try to find the energy to get dressed. I'm sitting on my bed, glaring at my chubby toes (seriously, how can I even have put on weight there?!) when Lissa walks in.

"Hey, you're up."

"Uh, yeah." I self-consciously pull my towel tighter, painfully aware of the rolls that droop out around my underarms. Of course, she looks perfect; like a freaking supermodel.

Internally, I roll my eyes. Stupid half-human genes.

"What's up, Liss?"

She grins and dances over to sit beside me on the mattress. "I've got exciting news!"

I'm immediately suspicious. "What is it?"

She laughs at my expression. "Relax, Rose. You're gonna love it. We've been working so hard, we both deserve a treat."

My face softens. "You've been working hard," I say. "I've just been doing my job."

"Please, you've been doing far more than your job." She rolls her eyes. "Anyway, you know that social this weekend?"

"The one we can't go to because of the test on Monday?"

"The very same," she beams. "Well, inexplicably, Professor Strydom changed his mind about that."

I narrow my eyes. "Just like that?"

She shrugs. "He said we all deserved a break."

"And this wouldn't happen to have anything to do with a student in possession of unprecedented powers of persuasion?"

Her grin widens. "It might. Anyway, now that we have the weekend free, I'm thinking we can make a day of it. You know, go get mani-pedis or something. Oh, and of course, we'll have to go dress shopping."

My heart takes a swan dive into my stomach. Dress shopping… like this…

"It sounds like fun, Liss, really."

"But?"

I almost smile: she knows me too well.

"But, it's a big security risk," I hedge. "We can't provide enough protection for you in that environment."

"That's your only concern?"

I can't think of anything else besides my recently-developed raging insecurity, which I sure as hell am not going to chat to her about. "Well, yeah. Otherwise I'd love to go."

She pauses to think about it. "Okay, but what if I told you that I spoke to Hans and he's willing to send in one of his top guardians?"

I frown. "You spoke to Hans?"

"Yup. It's all settled."

She looks ridiculously pleased with herself. My hands are tied, and she knows it. But rather than upset her by showing my reluctance, I pull on a smile.

"All right then. I guess we're going to the dance this weekend."

"Yay!" she squeals, clapping her hands. "I'll leave you to get dressed then, we'll talk when you're done. Don't forget your assignment for Lovell's period!"

I get up when she leaves and head over to my dresser without much hope. I pull on a baggy sweatshirt that hides my bra bulge as well as my stake, and a pair of jeans which take forever to shimmy into, owing to the fact that my thighs now smoosh together like bread dough when my feet touch.

In a rare fit of effort, I cover my pimpled skin with a layer of powder. It's just another perk of my terribly greasy diet of late. Obviously there isn't much of a point- I have nobody to look good for since Dimitri is a hundred miles away- but I can't stand the thought of avoiding every reflective surface for the rest of the day, all to forget that I look like crap.

With a sigh, I grab my bag and sling it over my shoulder as I leave. The jingling of my keys is jarringly juxtaposed to my mood, so I cram them into my pocket with more force than necessary. The denim is so tight on my legs that the outline of my keys is clearly visible as I knock on Lissa's bedroom door.

"Coming!"

She emerges from her room with her slim form sheathed in high-waist leggings and a gorgeous crop-top. A cardigan hangs over her arm next to her bag as she locks her door.

We walk from our dorm across the quad, to the cafeteria. Lissa talks about her excitement for the dance, even though it's still three days away. I don't really pay much attention, but she finally quiets as we approach the counter and she's distracted by the breakfast selection.

"You look nice today," I say, hiding my ridiculous pang of jealousy, "What's the occasion?"

"Oh, nothing," she replies, picking up a tray and selecting her food.

I do the same, instinctively reaching towards the chocolate donuts before I catch sight of where my wrist bone used to be visible. Unsuccessfully attempting to quell a fresh wave of self-revulsion, I pick an apple instead.

Lissa frowns at my choice of food. "That's all you're eating?"

I shrug, forcing the smile back onto my lips to hide my grimace. "I'm not really all that hungry."

My stomach disagrees quite vociferously, but she doesn't seem to notice.

"So we have a light workload tomorrow. Maybe we can go dress shopping after classes?"

I force myself to take a small bite of my apple instead of devouring it whole. I use the time it takes to chew in order to work that fake smile back onto my face.

"Sounds good," I grin. "But why the rush? It's only Wednesday."

"Oh, you know. Got to get a dress before all the good ones are gone."

Something about the way her eyes slide over mine as she speaks makes me think that she's hiding something. "Is something happening that you aren't telling me?"

Her face falls slightly. "Dammit Rose, you know me too well. But it's a surprise, okay?"

I look at her pout, aware that she's laying it on thick just to guilt me.

"Fine," I sigh.

We finish eating and attend our lectures for the day, Lissa ironing out all the details of the fated shopping trip while every time I catch sight of our reflection, my fragile self-esteem takes a beating. That night I get a call from Dimitri.

"Roza, hi." That sweet Russian accent floats into my ear, sounding like home. I can tell that he's smiling on the other end of the line and it makes me smile too.

"Hey Comrade," I return. "How are you?"

Quiet laughter fills the silence. "Missing you, but otherwise I'm fine. What about you?"

"I miss you too," I whisper, purposely avoiding the real question. I'm immensely glad that he can't see me; not just because of my doubled size, but because if he were here in person I wouldn't have gotten away with the omission. As it stands, it thankfully goes unnoticed.

"How's your workload?" I add, before he can think too much about my reply.

"Big. But not big enough to keep me entirely distracted. I think I'm driving Christian crazy."

I laugh with him. "I don't think you're entirely to blame on that front."

"A very good point. How's Lissa?"

"Working her ass off," I reply. Something I need to start doing, ASAP, I add silently to myself. "But there's this social dance thing happening this weekend that she's dragging me to."

"That's good. It'll be fun for both of you, since you've been working so hard." He sighs. "I wish we could take a break on this side."

"Training keeping your hands full?"

"You could say that," he replies, a smile in his voice. "We're going to be busy here for at least another three months."

It's my turn to sigh. "That long? I feel like I haven't seen you in ages."

"I know, Roza. I'm sorry."

"Not your fault. It just sucks."

"It does. I miss you."

"Me too."

I hear voices in the background of the call, and I know what's coming a moment before Dimitri's voice comes back on the line. "Sorry, Roza, I have to go."

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you too. More than life itself."

The call goes dead with his last words still ringing in my ear. They put a huge smile on my face, and my heart swells just from hearing his voice. That is, until I catch sight of myself in the mirror once more.

"Ugh," I groan, grabbing a pillow and clamping it over my head, sealing myself in darkness. If I'm lucky, maybe I'll fall asleep like this and suffocate.

But I heave myself up after a moment and turn out the lights. Then I retreat into the sanctuary of unconsciousness, where I'm still thin and I get to see Dimitri.

Author's Note

Thank you for reading! I kind of poured my heart and soul into this fic, so please leave a review to let me know what you thought! Also, feel free to favourite and follow as you see fit.

Every single thing that Rose thinks is something that I have thought about myself before, in some shape or form. This is not to gain sympathy, but rather to show that I am not in the position to judge anyone. No matter where you are on the scale of self-confidence, your situation, while not dissimilar to many other people, is unique to you. I know we're all just doing the best that we can.

Also, apologies if I sound ridiculously cheesy.

Thank you to my fantastic Beta hes-beauty-hes-jason-grace. Tag yourself, we're the sibling goals. If you enjoy Solangelo and really good writing, you should take a look at her work.

All credit for the characters and universe herein goes to Richelle Mead.