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Authornote: Friday January 20, 2017

Hello everyone! I received a huge response to the rewrite of this story and it has seriously motivated me! I got a lot of PMs about it and so I thought I'd begin posting it right away. By popular request, it has been decided that the chapters of this story will be released twice weekly on Fridays and Wednesdays. I am going to attempt to make each chapter at least 4000-6000 words.

To anyone that didn't read the original version of this story, this series kind of merges all the different Zelda universes into one. In this story there is only one legendary hero (Link), that was singlehandedly responsible for saving Hyrule on multiple occasions. This story assumes all Zelda adventures happened within the same timeframe.

The biggest change to this rewrite will be to the second segment of this series for those that are familiar with this story.

All suggestions or reviews for this story are greatly appreciated. Please let me know what you think!

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How to be a Villain

Part 1 Chapter 1

The Letter

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It is a well-known fact that the goddesses of Hyrule enjoy a good joke. The proof of this is the little world they created by the name of Earth. In this world, or more specifically, in the continent of Hyrule, they threw together so many different races of creatures, the people were always in disagreement. The Gorons hated the Deku-Scrubs, the Zora hated the Moblins, the Humans hated the Gerudo, and no one truly got along. Their cultures and traditions were always clashing, they constantly quarrelled, but there was one thing everyone agreed upon; The world they lived in was a horrible and dangerous place.

The towns were noisy, dirty and poor, but everywhere else in the land was much too dangerous to settle in. Only those who were either very powerful or very foolish dared travel outside of their villages. Those who were foolish tended not to live very long and those who were powerful tended to either become great heroes or great villains. Most of the common people were divided between being good and honest, and being low-life scum.

The three provinces that made up the mainland of Hyrule were at war and the roads were treacherous for those who were unprepared for them. Things had been that way for ten long years and many villagers had become so accustomed to it, they no longer put any thought into it. Warriors defended their country and the villagers stayed well out of their way. That's just the way things were.

At night, dangerous creatures roamed the fields freely, no longer being repressed and quickly growing in number. They served Ganondorf, king of the Gerudo, a fierce and powerful dictator who had quickly become the most feared man in the history of Hyrule. Ten years prior, he had viciously attacked the mainland in an attempt at a takeover but had failed miserably. A boy, now known as the Hero of Time, had defeated him. Although Ganondorf's initial attempts had been foiled, his forces remained strong and he still vowed to eventually win the war.

There was a man, however, that everyone seemed to overlook. He wasn't a warrior and he wasn't powerful in the least. In fact, he was thin and a good several inches too short, not even a speck compared to the Hero of Hyrule. Despite the odds against him, the man travelled the roads daily, always rushing and never having time to be afraid. It wasn't just the surrounding fields and villages that the man braved, he climbed the bordering mountains, waded his way through poisonous swamps, ventured into the dangerous Lost Woods, and even occasionally crossed the deserts into Gerudo territory. Wherever his job demanded, the man was sure to go.

Who was this brave man? Was he an adventurer? Was he a fool looking for certain doom? No, he was The Postman.

Nobody ever gave much thought to The Postman, he was always just there and always on time. It had never occurred to them how he crossed the fields or why none of the monsters attacked him. Why would they care as long as their mail was on time?

The monsters in the field would normally attack any traveller, whether man, Goron, Zora, or Kokiri, but they never laid tooth nor claw on The Postman. It wasn't because they respected him or that they even liked him for that matter, it was because he was easily overlooked. He was a slight creature who never stopped moving and never bothered them. After a while, they didn't even notice him anymore. He could move about the land delivering his mail with more freedom than even the Hero of Hyrule. He was fast, efficient, and incredibly proud of his job; no one could deliver a letter faster than he.

Although The Postman wasn't impressive in any way, he had 12 years of service as a postal worker and was completely confident in his abilities to always be on time. He was as stubborn as a mule and just about as serious as a person could be. He came from a very long line of postmen, going back many generations, and was the pride of his family. He delivered any letter given to him no matter who it was for and everyone knew someday he would eventually become the postmaster.

The Postman saw many amazing sights in his travels and had numerous unintentional adventures. This is one of his tales.

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There was an eery sound in The Lost Woods that day. At times it sounded like the wind, and at other times it sounded like a pained moan. If there was one thing that people learned when travelling through these treacherous woods it was to never ever step off the paths. Whatever the sound was, it echoed through the Lost Woods as The Postman ran hurriedly through, not really paying attention. Dressed in the all-white of his postal uniform, he had his mailbag slung across his back, and his hat pulled down snugly over his pointed ears. It was getting to be the nippy season and already the leaves were beginning to change. The thick, thorny foliage did nothing to slow him down and he expertly navigated through the maze of trees. He hopped over a fallen log and entered the most dangerous part of the labyrinth without hesitation. Stepping around the sleeping forest Dekus carefully, he kept his eyes ahead, knowing exactly where he was going.

After a few moments, and a shortcut later, he came to an old crumbling staircase and started up, tipping his hat politely to the Giant Moblin guard at the top. The Moblin was leaning heavily on his spiked club, a bored expression on his face. Moblins weren't known for their patience nor their intelligence, and this one was no exception. He had been hoping someone important would wander by so he could crush them with his club, but so far it had been a boring day. He paid no attention to The Postman as he passed, the thin human not even worth his time.

The Postman came to a large clearing where a small, green-haired Kokiri could be seen sitting near the ruins of a Forest Temple. The girl looked up in surprise as he approached, and then smiled when she saw who it was. Setting down the wooden ocarina she'd been playing, she nodded at him in greeting.

"I have a letter for you, Miss Saria!" The Postman greeted.

The Postman held a letter out as he approached, coming to a stop just in front of her.

Saria accepted the letter, and she immediately ripped into it eagerly. Kokiri didn't often get mail, but she had a feeling who it was from. As she read through the letter, her eyes widened in shock. "Link's in Clocktown? Whyever is he all the way there?!"

Link, the Hero of Time, was well-known to be friends with the Kokiri, and he frequently sent them letters while on his quests.

Saria looked up from the letter. "When did you-" she stopped and looked around the clearing. The Postman was already gone. Sighing, she went back to reading her letter.

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The Postman ran back through the Lost Woods quickly, pulling out his next letter as he did so. As he wove through the labyrinth that was the Lost Woods, he looked down at the name.

Ganondorf-King of the Gerudo

There wasn't a creature alive who didn't know that name. With all the death and destruction that followed behind Ganondorf, he was the most feared of all villains. None of that meant anything to The Postman however, as in his opinion, politics and war were none of his business. The only thing that mattered to him was his job. He had a letter to be delivered and there was no greater priority. He'd been to the outer villages of the Gerudo territory quite a few times, but rarely the inner city. He was already planning on heading to the desert anyway, so he could take a detour to deliver it without messing up his daily schedule.

Once he got out onto the fields that surrounded Hyrule, he sped up, crossing it in little time at all, heading towards the borders of the desert. His goal set firmly in mind, he passed the Gerudo territorial markers, knowing exactly which direction to go.

The valley on the borders of the desert was a dark and treacherous place. Tall cliffs loomed on either side of the road, shadowing the valley and making it seem even deadlier than it was. The cliffs were very unstable and chunks of stone fell off with every strong breeze large enough to kill someone if they hit. There were no plants or animals living in the valley, everything long since perished as the desert expanded. This was the only way to the desert from the mainland, the cliffs much too dangerous to scale.

Years ago, the king of Hyrule Province had attempted to block the valley to keep the desert people out, but the army he sent had 'mysteriously' disappeared. There was no blood, no armour found, they were simply gone without a trace. Since then, no one dared go near the valley thinking it haunted or cursed.

Easily avoiding the occasional falling stone from the cliffs, The Postman soon passed the last warning marker left for travellers. There was a large pile of rocks ahead of him where the army had begun blocking off the valley before they had vanished. That was usually how far people came. Beyond the rock barrier was hostile territory and only the most experienced warriors travelled beyond it.

The Postman crawled up over the rocks, separating the two lands and continued on his way, still dodging falling rocks and debris. He stepped onto the hot sand of the desert, looking far ahead at the Gerudo city. The entire city was built of stone, a twenty metre wall surrounding it, with guards posted at every corner. Ganondorf didn't like surprises and had his city completely prepared for war. The Postman couldn't see all the details from where he stood so he continued on his way confidently. He passed through a couple of the small outer villages, delivering mail as he travelled, the people poor but well-taken care of by their king.

The Capital City was much farther than it looked and after a time, The Postman paused to catch his breath and take a drink from his canteen. He was actually ahead of schedule for once, so he wasn't in that big of a hurry. He had finished most of his deliveries for the day and he didn't have to be anywhere for a while yet.

Resuming his travels, The Postman continued across the desert.

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When he came to a steep sand dune, he paused a moment and looked far below at the drop. He was over-looking the city, which appeared anything but friendly. The city had been built on a beautiful oasis, the only fertile land in all of the desert and it was protected with the highest of priority. This was half the reason Ganondorf wanted the mainland, he felt his people had been given the short end of the stick, and he was determined to take the more plentiful land of Hyrule by force.

The Postman could now clearly see the armed guards on every wall and the barracks surrounding the city. The Postman had delivered mail to the main Gerudo city before, but for some reason the gate was closed today. He had never refused a single delivery in his entire career and his pride wouldn't allow him to start now.

The Postman waited just a moment as he caught his breath, and then with a few well-timed jumps, he was at the bottom of the dune, his uniform still spotless. He looked up at the enormous wall of the city, his eyes scanning for a way in.

He quickly saw the city gate wasn't just closed, it had been barred, with no other entrance to speak of. Approaching the gate, he knocked as loudly as he could. A few seconds passed and then a Moblin face peered out at him through the slats in the gate.

"Wot?" he demanded. "Who're you?"

"Mail." The Postman responded. "Please open the gate."

The Moblin squinted at him. "Mail...?" he repeated in confusion.

The Postman gestured to his uniform. "I'm the postman and I need to deliver the mail. Please open the gate."

"Mail...?"

The Postman patiently held up the letter. "I have a letter for Mr. Ganondorf. Please open the gate or you're going to make me late."

At his master's name, the Moblin's eyes widened. "Wait." he ordered and then disappeared from sight.

The Postman heard a shouted conversation between several moblins in their own language and then the Moblin was back at the slats.

"Wot's in the letter?" he demanded.

"I don't read other people's mail." The Postman responded, slightly offended. "That is only for Mr. Ganondorf to find out."

"Wait." the Moblin said, once again disappearing.

There was another shouted conversation, and to The Postman's relief the gate was then opened just enough for him to squeeze through. He passed by several very confused looking Moblins and made his way through the main city, heading for the castle. No one paid him any attention as he pushed his way through the crowded marketplace, and just a few minutes later, he was walking up the front steps to the castle.

He gave a polite nod to the guards at the doors, who didn't even seem to notice him, and stepped inside Ganondorf's castle.

From what he'd heard, most villains liked being overly dramatic, so he knew it would be wise to check the tower first. His instincts were rarely wrong, and he had the feeling that's where he would find the Gerudo King. He wandered along the maze of hallways for several minutes until he finally came to a dark and foreboding staircase, spiralling upwards. Knowing this was likely where the throne room would be, The Postman pulled out the letter and hurried up.

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Ganondorf was having a bad day. In fact, it seemed like he was having a bad decade. He slouched down in his throne and scowled at nothing in particular. He had been defeated by the Hero of Time once again and now had to come up with a completely different strategy. He was getting really fed up with the hero and wished he could come up with a way to get rid of him. Preferably something incredibly slow and painful. Running a hand through his red hair thoughtfully, he mentally went through all the particularly nasty spells he knew.

Several large Moblins lined the walls, spears in hand and bored out of their minds. They'd been standing there all day, hoping for new orders but so far there had been nothing. Their master had been in a foul mood ever since the battle, and no one dared voice their complaints or even move for that matter. It was better to not attract attention to one's self in these situations.

Ganondorf tapped his fingers on the arm of his throne, trying to think up a new plan. He had an idea for where he would set up his new base of operations in Hyrule, but no plans of attack. He had thought through his previous plans, picking out the most obvious mistakes, trying to see if he could rework them. When nothing new came to mind, he sighed and slowly stood to his feet. He needed some inspiration. His eyes flicked over to the Moblins. He needed to hurt something useless and disposable. That always got the creative juices flowing. The only question was, who would it be?

As his eyes critically scanned over his minions, the doors to the throne-room suddenly burst open dramatically and a strange unfamiliar man came running in. When the man's eyes fell on Ganondorf, he sped over at top speed.

"Hey!" he called. "I have a letter for you, Mr. Ganondorf!"

Ganondorf drew his sword at the quickly approaching man and pointed it directly at his face, ready for a battle. Unafraid, The Postman gave him a friendly salute and thrust an envelope into Ganondorf's face.

"I have a letter for you, Mr. Ganondorf!" he repeated.

Ganondorf faltered, his gaze on the white envelope. He immediately narrowed his eyes in suspicion. "A what?"

"A letter, Mr. Ganondorf, for you!"

"How did you get in here?!" Ganondorf asked, sword pointed at The Postman's throat. "I don't allow outsiders in my city!"

"The postal service knows no borders, sir."

The sword was pressed even closer in warning.

Not intimidated, The Postman held out the letter again.

"Your letter, Sir."

"How did you get in here?" Ganondorf demanded again.

"Through the door." The Postman responded, pointing over his shoulder.

"That's not what I meant and you know it!" Ganondorf said, his voice dripping in malice. "There are guards posted everywhere, how did you get into my castle?"

"I just walked in, sir."

Ganondorf blinked. "Walked in? You mean to say you walked right by hundreds of Gerudo and Moblins and no one tried to stop you?!"

"Yes, sir."

The Postman held out the letter for the third time. "Your mail, sir." He couldn't leave until he'd successfully delivered the mail to the appropriate person.

Ganondorf felt his blood boil. "How did you get in the outer gate?" he demanded.

"I knocked, sir, and was let in. Now please accept your letter."

"You have magic! You cursed the guards, didn't you?! This is just a ploy from Hyrule!"

"No, sir, I don't have any magic, I'm just a postman."

Ganondorf narrowed his eyes to slits. "You're a liar and a spy!"

"No sir, please take the letter."

Ganondorf was naturally a paranoid person and eyed the envelope distrustfully before snatching it out of The Postman's hands. As he ripped it open, The Postman turned to leave.

"Hold it." Ganondorf ordered. "I didn't say you could leave."

"Do you have a letter you wish to have delivered?" The Postman asked, instantly all business.

"No."

"Then I cannot stay, I have to get to Lake Hylia by day's end."

"You will stay right there, or I will gut you before you take a single step!" Ganondorf threatened, pulling the letter from the envelope.

The Postman crossed his arms against his chest, unimpressed. "You will make me late for my deliveries!" he stated, shifting from foot to foot. "I am never late!"

"You may have won one million rupees-" Ganondorf read aloud. He paused to give The Postman a hard look. "You expect me to believe you came all the way out here just to deliver junk-mail?"

The Postman nodded. "It is your mail, Mr. Ganondorf, and it is my job to deliver it."

Ganondorf crumpled the letter in his fist and threw it to the floor. "What is your real purpose here?" he snarled. "Are you a spy for Hyrule?"

"No, Sir, I am a postman." The Postman answered, shifting about again, anxious to get going.

"What's in that bag?" Ganondorf demanded, pointing at the mailbag suspiciously.

"Mail, Sir."

"Give it to me."

The Postman shook his head. "This is not your mail, Mr. Ganondorf. Reading other peoples mail is not allowed."

"I said give it to me!" Ganondorf snarled, causing every minion in the room to flinch.

The Postman adamantly shook his head. "It is against the rules." He fidgeted again and again, knowing he was going to be late if he didn't leave soon.

Ganondorf looked the skinny postman up and down noting the hat, white shorts and sandals, trying to come to a conclusion. He didn't really look like someone dangerous, but Ganondorf couldn't think of any other reason the man would be there other than as a spy.

The Postman stepped from foot to foot continuously as he waited, which was quickly beginning to annoy the Gerudo king.

"Can't you stay still?" he demanded.

"No, sir. I'm going to be late if I stay much longer."

"I want you to tell me who you work for."

"I am a postman, I work for everyone."

"Who. Do. You. Work. For!" Ganondorf ground out, certain the man in front of him wasn't just a postman.

The Postman blinked. "I'm a civil servant, sir, I work for everyone."

"TELL ME WHO YOU WORK FOR!" the walls shook from the sheer volume of the yell but The Postman remained unmoved.

"I am a postman, I work for everyone." he repeated.

"I'll just find out for myself." Ganondorf snapped, reaching for the mailbag.

The Postman stepped away. "Mail is private, sir, you may not open other peoples letters!" he scolded, clutching the bag to his chest.

Ganondorf's eyes narrowed even further. He made a lunge and grabbed the bag by the strap. Immediately, The Postman wrapped his arms around it, and was picked up with the bag. Ganondorf shook the bag a few times, trying to dislodge him but The Postman determinedly held on, protecting the letters within.

"Let go, you pathetic little worm!"

"No, sir! You're not allowed to read other people's mail!"

With one swift motion, Ganondorf hit The Postman hard in the stomach, successfully dislodging him from the mailbag. He sneered down at the small figure clutching at his stomach in pain, and then turned the mailbag upsidedown, emptying all the letters onto the floor. Reaching down, Ganondorf picked up the letters and looked them over, surprised at the fact they really were just ordinary letters. He waved his hand over them, looking for signs of magic, but found nothing.

Deciding it wasn't worth it, Ganondorf threw the letters to the floor in disgust.

"You must think me a fool, spy. Hyrule will not trick me in such an obvious way, and you will not be returning to them. I have patience for neither spies nor morons."

"I am not a spy."

'Nor a moron.' The Postman added mentally.

Ignoring him, Ganondorf turned his gaze to the guards.

"Take him to the dungeons!" he ordered. "Torture the truth out of him!"

The Moblins exchanged looks of confusion. Arrest the postman? Why? To them, he didn't look like he was even worth their master's time, let alone worth imprisoning. Shrugging, they approached to do as told. As they grabbed him by the arms and dragged him out of the room, and The Postman's only protest was.

"But you're going to make me late!"

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"Oh, foo." The Postman said with a sigh.

He stared at the steel bars of his cell unhappily, and let out a deep sigh. Most people would have berated themselves for getting themselves into such a mess, but not The Postman. He saw the whole situation as more of an inconvenience than anything.

The cell he was in was dirty, damp and smelled vaguely of rotten meat, exactly what one would expect from a villain's dungeon. The Postman was an incredibly clean person by nature so he was careful not to touch anything, standing perfectly still in the centre of the room. Looking around himself with a frown, he gave another sigh. He was going to be really late; he'd NEVER been late before! What would the people think of him? They'd lose all confidence in his service! In the future, he would be sure to fill out the paperwork for hazard pay any time he had a letter for Ganondorf and also schedule himself a bit more time.

Nursing a skinned knee, The Postman dabbed at the blood with a handkerchief, and then gave another glance around the cell. There were no windows, no drainage pipes, and no ventilation shafts. The room didn't even have any cracks in the walls. It was seemingly impenetrable, the only way out through the locked door. The Moblins had left him unharmed for now, promising they'd be back after supper to deal with him. He was now completely alone.

He approached the bars and gave them a hard shake. The door was securely locked and with all the strength he possessed, the most he could do was make the bars rattle. Wiping the grime off his hands on his handkerchief, he tried to think of a way to escape. Nothing coming immediately to mind, he tried shaking the bars again. They were just as secure as the first time.

Just when he was about to give up, he noticed something odd about the bars. They were spaced a bit too far apart, clearly made for much bigger creatures, not skinny nobodies. Turning sideways, The Postman sucked in his stomach and after much wriggling, managed to squeeze his way through them.

Obviously they weren't expecting to imprison someone like him. He was indeed incredibly slim, but also wiry and fast. The guards still hadn't returned, so he quickly ran down the empty hallway towards the stairs, knowing he had to get his mail back. When he got to the top of the tower, he could hear Ganondorf screaming at one of his minions.

Very slowly opening the door, The Postman peered into the room and saw Ganondorf had his back to the door, beating on some poor, hapless Moblin. Slipping silently into the room, he hoped no one would notice him. He tiptoed past the group of Moblins and towards Ganondorf's throne where he could see his mailbag hanging from it. Glancing over his shoulder to make sure he hadn't been spotted, he reached out and took the bag, peering inside to make sure the mail was still safe. Relieved that every letter was accounted for, he turned to leave.

"YOU!"

The Postman spun around just in time to see a fireball fly at his head. He dodged and scrambled to get further away as Ganondorf's stormed towards him, forming another fireball. He threw fireball after fireball, but The Postman was fast and he ran for it out the door, clutching the mailbag to his chest.

Ganondorf stormed after him, shouting profanities and threats, hurling as many fireballs as he could. The Moblins simply watched on, looking rather confused.

The Postman reached the bottom floor and sped up, heading for the door. With a shouted spell from Ganondorf, the door sealed itself and The Postman bounced off of it hard. Rolling just in time to avoid a fireball, The Postman ran down a nearby corridor and hurriedly crawled out the first window he came across. The window was much too small for Ganondorf to fit through, but that didn't stop him from bellowing after The Postman and hurling spells at him. The Postman was now in the courtyard and continued running, knowing Ganondorf would probably sound the alarm any moment. None of the Gerudo he passed paid him any mind, as he didn't have any weapons and didn't look very threatening. Only a moment later there was the loud ringing of bells which must have been the alarm.

The Postman ran through the market, but quickly came face to chest with a huge Moblin guard. The Postman hesitated as the Moblin blinked down at him dumbly, and then it raised its sword. The Postman made direct eye contact with the Moblin, and with the air of importance, he puffed out his chest and pointed to the badge on his uniform.

"Delivering postman, please step aside!"

Both surprised and confused, the Moblin obediently stepped out of the way, simply staring at him. He watched The Postman run by and then scratched as his head, feeling that something wasn't quite right. His mind moved very slowly however, and he was still staring after The Postman long after he had disappeared out of sight.

The Postman ran along through the busy city streets, heading towards the gate. Many of the Gerudo citizens now stared at him as he passed, but none tried to stop him. If he had have been tall, muscular and armed, that would have been a completely different story. A wimpy looking man in a strange uniform was more of a curiosity to them than a threat.

Reaching the gate, he raised a hand to shield his eyes from the sun and squinted up at the guards high above on the wall.

"Excuse me!" he yelled up.

Two Moblins looked down at him.

"I need to go out, please open the gate."

Regular citizens rarely left the safety of the city and although it wasn't breaking any laws, it was still extremely unusual. The two guards stared down at him, completely bewildered.

"Is he one of us?" one Moblin whispered to the other. "I've never seen him before."

"He must be." the other Moblin replied. "He's in here, ain't he?"

The first Moblin stared at The Postman's uniform and hat thoughtfully. "I dunno, he kinda looks like a weirdo to me...and Lord Ganondorf doesn't like men visiting the city."

"Excuse me!" The Postman yelled even louder. "I need to leave or my next delivery is going to be late! Please open the gate!"

"Delivery?" one of the Moblins questioned.

"I am a postman, sir, now please let me out."

The Moblin blinked in surprise. "He called me sir!" he exclaimed. " I never got called 'sir' before!"

His partner frowned. "You are not a sir, Lord Ganondorf is a sir. There must be some sort of law against improper use of titles...I'll have to report this."

"Well, he was the one to call me a sir." the Moblin defended. "You're just jealous."

"EXCUSE ME!" The Postman bellowed. "Let me out, please!"

"You be quiet down there, we're discussing important things."

"You're making me late!" The Postman protested, wondering if he should have just looked for another way out. "Do you want to be responsible for making the mail late?"

"I said be quiet!"

To The Postman's relief, the Moblin from earlier approached and looked back and forth between The Postman and the guards.

"You want out?" he demanded.

The Postman nodded.

"Let 'em out!" he yelled to the others. "He was here earlier. He had business with Lord Ganondorf."

"Hmm, I don't know...this doesn't sound right to me..." the Moblin guard yelled back.

"If he was here for Lord Ganondorf, do you really want to be the one to explain why you were bothering his other minions?"

There was one thing that would get a Moblin moving and that was the thought of getting in trouble. They didn't know who The Postman was, but they also didn't want to chance getting in trouble with their king. If The Postman turned out to be someone of importance, it could mean their jobs (or their lives). The Moblins exchanged looks, and then decided they didn't especially care what The Postman did. He didn't look dangerous to them so they were inclined to let him go. Cranking the gate open just enough to let The Postman through, they went back to arguing.

Once outside of the city, The Postman ran as fast as he could back into the desert.

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