For Garrett.

Still Conscious

Updated 6-8-20, Final chapter up. Epilogue coming soon.

Chapter 1

Anakin was one hundred percent conscious.

Which is more than what he could usually say for most of the missions he was sent on by the council.

He knew they won the battle with few casualties. He had watched Obi-Wan sheath his lightsaber and Ahsoka raise her fist in triumph. He saw his troops blow the last Separatist Tank. Then, Anakin was on the ground.

Obi-Wan hovered over him like a sun. His hands held Anakin's head, one tight grip over each ear. He could feel his mentor brushing over him in the Force, cataloging. Numb, tired, and frustrated, with mental walls glitching in and out, he pushed Obi-Wan out of his mind and tried to stand.

"Stay there, Anakin. This is no time to be stubborn," Obi-Wan scolded, but while his voice was stern, his eyes betrayed his emotions. He was terrified.

Ahsoka stood over him as well, calling over medclones and a stretcher. Kix and Coric appeared in his line of sight.

Anakin reviewed the battle in his mind once more: he was standing at the celebration of the droid's retreat, but was on the ground when the transport ships appeared. The victory, the tank, on the ground. Obi-Wan bracing his head.

"Stay there, sir," Kix ordered when Anakin tried to stretch out his tired, tingling limbs. "Sir? General Skywalker, we need you to not move. Understand? We've got professionals coming to help."

He wet his cracked lips.

"What part of me is hurt?" Anakin asked, trying to steady his voice. "I can't feel it."

There is a beat of silence.

Obi-wan "hmmd," which from many years of experience, Anakin knew wasn't a good sign.

Coric spoke first.

"Sir, you went down with a hit to your back. Remember, sir?"

Anakin didn't.

"I'm fine, it must've not been bad. I'm still conscious, right? I'm just a bit tired, that's all," Anakin argued, though all Obi-Wan's exercises in searching himself to find and stopper his pain in Light flitted through his mind. Surely, his body would relay the message to his brain that he was in pain. It always did.

Obi-wan "hmmd" again.

Anakin wished that Ahsoka would stop biting at her nails. It was making him anxious.

"Stop it, Snips. Don't chew your nails," Anakin said, for the first time turning his head to face her.

And that's when the pain started.

The professionals landed soon after Anakin was slowly placed onto a stretcher. Even with using the Force, Obi-wan could not painlessly move Anakin.

Every movement, every twitch he made that involved his spine, made lightning-hot pain lace through his body. He was panting hard, trying to keep the burning, pinching sensation to himself. Ahsoka shouldn't see him like this.

"Anakin, you have to try and stop moving," Obi-wan coaxed, trying to get Anakin to relax, and to stop whatever horrid twitching movement Anakin's body kept producing. The twitching ensued an onslaught of agony stemming from Anakin's back, which would make him twitch harder.

Obi-Wan kept trying to reach Anakin with the Force.

But he wouldn't let him in.

The professionals soon crossed the abandoned battlefield and surrounded Anakin, pushing the others out of the way. Kix growled.

"I did that already! Move on from his heart rate and get him on your ship!"

The medics lifted Anakin carefully and moving him toward the ship, but not before mumbling something about the manners of field medics.

It wasn't until then that Obi-wan noticed Anakin's young Padawan was still there. Her eyes were wide. Her fear was tangible.

"Ahsoka, fear is not the Jedi way," Obi-wan said, ushering the Padawan to their own ship. He tamped down that he was worried enough for the both of them. "When he recovers, we will be the first people there to greet him."

The girl nodded.

Though through her bond with Anakin, she could feel glimpses of his pain. And while she had gotten used to seeing her Master with a broken limb or two, a broken spine was a whole other level of scary.

People become paralyzed with less of a hit than what he took.

She couldn't help but be worried for her Master.

If he…no, she couldn't think about that.

Obi-Wan boarded the waiting transport with Ahsoka close to his side.

Anakin's departure would always send a shock through his system, like pulling oneself out of a solars' presence. Altogether intolerable in intensity but life-giving all at once. The abruptness of his transport's departure was a physical blow, almost worse than Anakin's mental shield's opacity.

Because Anakin's presence there, scorching and torch-like, quelled the panic inside of him—his pathetic body betraying his mind's chanting to reach for the Force for succor.

He took an unsteady breath, then a steadier one. A hand on Ahsoka's back.

Captain Rex was there, helmet off and guns disposed of. He stood when they entered.

"General Kenobi, Commander," he greeted. He waited for a second, waiting for Anakin's form to appear. It didn't. "Where's General Skywalker?"

"He took a hit from a stray piece of Separatist tank. The medcorp is taking him back to the Halls of Healing. Which is where we plan on going as well. Would you inform the pilot, Captain?"

"Yessir, right away sir," Rex said, turning around to go alert the piloting clone. Before he entered the cockpit, he turned around. "He'll be alright, won't he General?"

The body of Obi-Wan's beloved master sat heavy behind his eyelids for a moment.

"I... yes. Anakin will be fine."

"It burns," Anakin hissed. Force, all the way down to his marrow it burned. The Force inside him pulsing angrily; a medcorp member had to duck a blaster that had flung itself into the air.

Anakin wished desperately that Obi-Wan was on the medcorps' ship.

Obi-Wan always made a situation better.

Without the extensive care that the Halls offered, the medics refused treatment until arrival. It was too dangerous to put Anakin out with drugs, too dangerous to operate or numb anything more than standard procedures. That simply meant that they asked Anakin to meditate—which he could hardly do at full strength—or fall unconscious on his own.

Pain cascaded through his bloodstream again, sharp and frigid, blossoming from his spine and spreading like venom.

His body shuddered, reacting to the pain violently.

No, there wouldn't be any rest.

The burning, the heaviness in his limbs, the medics reaction all meant it was bad… though it all felt dream-like. Detached.

And he could live with the convulsing, burning, and heaviness. Just not mind-crippling pain. As long as his head was clear, he could handle it.

Or that's what he said to himself over. And over.

The biomonitor's holodisplay blipped the same erratic rhythm. He tried to focus on that, a meditation anchor Obi-Wan's voice in his head told him to cling to.

Feel the Force everywhere around you. Between you and the stretcher, the medcorp. Start with the very tips of your toes—kriff—

Another spasm wracked his body.

The pilot called out. "Fifteen klicks away, sir!"

Anakin was still conscious when they entered the atmosphere.

He was still conscious when the ship landed gently on the landing platform of the Jedi Temple. He braced himself.

And there it was. A healer's touch. Not intrusive, but stripping away the tattered shreds of what was left of his shields, revealing what he could not feel.

"Master Che," he croaked.

"Skywalker," Master Healer Vokara Che greeted him grimly. The artificial atmosphere of Coruscant was between them, then disappeared as the Halls of Healing enveloped them in cream tile and soft light.

Master Che walked gracefully alongside of the stretcher, ordering different things to be prepared and managing to scold Anakin at the same time.

She was not a woman of comfort. She was a woman of action. And being a woman of action, it bothered her that no matter how much or how quickly of action she took, sometimes there was nothing she could do.

This seemed like one of those times.

A bacta tank could fix the problem quickest, but it was not a risk that she was willing to take. If Anakin's spine healed in the wrong place, it would have devastating effects to the Jedi.

Her mind ticked off the boy's options: her Force crystals were exact, her medical facilities well equipped, she would heal his spine and repair what nerve damage she could reach. Then, it was up to Skywalker's body to heal itself.

The bright emergency room's ceiling come into Anakin's view.

If they were here…

It wasn't as if…

It wasn't as if he hadn't gone into surgery before, been put under before. He'd put his body through so much chizk that he knew the Halls almost as well as he knew the small apartment him and Obi-Wan shared.

"Blast it." Anakin shouldn't be so wrecked.

He tried to imagine the small flame he used to sit next to, Obi-Wan across from him, both of them on worn meditation mats.

A Jedi draws his strength from the Force. Fear is the path to suffering.

Anakin Skywalker was better than this. He should be. He needed to be.

He felt the room spin as he was lifted off the stretcher and into the air, hovering facedown above an operation table. His heart jumped into his throat.

Vokara Che did not waste time. She lowered Anakin onto the operation table and strapped him in: a brace for his neck, braces for his arms, and braces for his legs. Not that they would do much but steady him; she was quite aware of the young man's affect on the room's objects when he was in pain. Sometimes, she was on the receiving end of his incredible, accidental powers.

She was not one to coddle her patients, either.

"Start him on antibiotics. I won't risk any infection." Medcorp members shuffled around him. His clothes unwrapped themselves from his body.

The buzz of a monitor turning on, the cold press of electrodes against his back and chest—all of it would be coming at a surprise if it weren't for Master Che's narration. His adrenals must be shot.

"Monitor his nervous system."

"Watch his count."

"Retrieve the synthetic material from my lab."

"Anakin Skywalker," Master Che sounded like she had turned to face him. "You are to try and control yourself as much as possible, for each movement made endangers your ability to walk. Do I make myself clear?"

Anakin couldn't manage a word out of his tightening throat.

"I will be giving you a simple anesthetic which I know you will try and reject." Already, Anakin felt the familiar pinch of a needle going into his skin. "And then, we will begin."

Anakin felt the needle leave, and he braced himself for the worst.

Despite the hour-long surgery to fuse his spine together, and the anesthetic given, Anakin was conscious for it all.

Obi-Wan, Ahsoka, and Captain Rex, arrived on Coruscant fifteen minutes after Anakin went into surgery.

Obi-Wan felt the moment Anakin was cut open, and through an attempted hidden grimace from Ahsoka, Obi-Wan knew that she felt it too.

Ahsoka bit at her nails, chewing away at raw fingers, wishing that she was by her Master's side. She hardly realized that she had chewed to the quick, and blood was starting to pool.

"Stop it, Snips. Don't chew your nails."

Ahsoka's eyes went wide.

She felt a burst come through her bond, then it ebbed away. Obi-Wan looked at her, his expression hard to read.

"Shall we sit in the corridor, then?"

Ahsoka followed him into a large, sunlit hallway with a semicircle of four chairs. Obi-Wan sat down in one of them, and Ahsoka followed his lead.

"I have spent far too much time here," he said. Ahsoka didn't laugh. "It doesn't feel so long ago I sat here for the first time, waiting for Anakin to return from surgery."

"When?" she asked.

"Within the first week I had told the Council I would train him. I had taken Anakin out for a walk around the gardens when some sort of trap had been sprung. There was an explosion, and we were caught on the edge of it. I was hardly harmed, but Anakin had broken his arm in four different places. He was delirious with pain.

"Nevertheless, Anakin first made sure that I was fine before he passed out. I was scared, truly, I was. I had lost my Master, and I thought for sure that I was to lose my Padawan as well. Master Che came and took him away. I had shouted at her, stormed the Halls of Healing and ordered the staff to take me to Anakin's room. They would not let me near him. Instead, they dragged me here. I sat for an hour, then two. No one came to get me to say he was awake. I was in this very chair when I thought that I learned to let go. I had convinced myself that I was willing to let the Force take Anakin from me. Now here I am, how many years later, still unable to do so?"

Ahsoka pulled her knees to her chest, and rested her head back on the chair.

"What if he… isn't the same when he wakes?" she asked. Obi-Wan stroked his still dirt-streaked beard. Neither of them had bothered with sonics.

"Your Master is the most stubborn person I know. If he can't remain the same through a time like this, I'm not sure who could."

Exhaustion had eroded Anakin's focus and thoughts before the medcorp had decidedly drugged him to the tips of his ears.

But after the second of two doses of anesthetic—neither of them successful—

Master Che snapped off her gloves, and the operation room slowly cleared out. She was back to talking to everyone but him, ordering some medcorps to clean while others dressed, while others organized medications and drips.

"This one is for tissue regeneration."

"Two a day of this for alleviating pain."

"At night, or as necessary, this one promotes dreamless sleep."

"Do I make myself clear, Skywalker?" she said. "Until I return to transfer you to a room, you are not to move."

Anakin moaned softly. He had hardly recognized she was speaking to him.

His eyes couldn't focus; he was staring so hard at the floor. Heavy and numb and disassociating, he needed something to ground him. Someone.

Master Che must have heard his stomping, raucous thoughts.

"Should I send in Master Kenobi? Or would you rather be alone?" she asked, although no doubt she knew the answer.

"Obi-Wan," Anakin answered, hoarsely adding a thank you and a Master Che.

Vokara Che still wore her signature grim face, though Anakin could not see it.

"Do not thank me yet, Skywalker," she said. Then she turned on her heel, walking out the door to get Kenobi.

Obi-Wan was not Vokara's favorite person, though she tolerated him like many Jedi. She had encountered him as a youngling once or twice, pattering alongside Qui-Gon Jinn or being hauled in by him, either way. He had somehow learned the Code—she new it certainly wasn't taught in full by his Master—but had missed a lesson on attachment. His paternal instincts he had when it came to Skywalker… it simply was not the Jedi way.

And she knew Skywalker was still so young, that he was constantly dragging his sorry self into her office with some other injury he expected her to miraculously heal. Her most frequent visitor—she practically reserved a bed for him in the Halls.

Which brought her back to Obi-Wan.

She did not even ask for his whereabouts, she simply strolled through the Halls until she reached a familiar corridor. Lo and behold, there was the man, and alongside of him was a young girl with a Padawan braid clinging onto her scalp.

When Obi-Wan sensed Master Che's arrival he stood to greet her. Vokara nodded his way, but her eyes stayed on Ahsoka. A smirk flitted about her features. Obi-Wan cleared his throat.

"Master Che, it is good to see you. This is Ahsoka Tano, Anakin's Padawan. Ahsoka, this is Master Healer Che."

"It's good to meet you, Master," Ahsoka said.

"How is Anakin?" he asked. Vokara's smirk faded.

"I have fused his spine back together with plates, so he is stable. Kenobi, you can breathe again if you'd like." Obi-Wan let out an awkward laugh. "I have been monitoring his nervous system. His legs and hips do not respond to commands, nor to outside stimuli. In time, and with the proper research, I am willing to experiment with the Force to reawaken the nerves. But, as of now our best option is to wait."

"What are you saying?"

"He's paralyzed."

Obi-Wan took an involuntary step back.

Ahsoka let out a gasp.

"Take me to him, please," Obi-Wan said. Master Che inclined her head, and started walking back the way she came. Ahsoka stood as well, wanting to follow.

"Master Kenobi, please, let me come too."

"No, young one. Not yet." Obi-Wan had a suspicion that Anakin wouldn't want her to see him as he was at the moment.

He folded his hands into his sleeves to stop them from shaking.

Anakin sensed his old Master's presence long before he entered the room.

He resisted the urge to turn his head in anticipation, knowing that what Master Che had told him. Instead, he stared at the floor, reaching out with the Force, and shakily set about pulling up what he could salvage of his shields.

Everything would go back to normal now. Obi-Wan was here, and so that meant everything was going to get fixed.

"I've heard that you haven't been as much trouble for Master Che as you usually are," Obi-Wan said. Anakin tried to get a glimpse of Obi-Wan out of his peripheral vision. Irreverence paid to pain—a practice the two of them were faithful to since they first met.

"Could say the same to you, Master," Anakin countered, his voice strained until breaking. Not at all how he had planned his retort to sound.

Obi-Wan didn't laugh, only answering softly: "No, no tantrums on my side of the spectrum." Anakin sensed his former Master walking towards him, then kneeling down. "How are you feeling, Anakin?"

Master Che spoke up. Anakin hadn't realized she had entered the room.

"Obi-Wan," Master Che said motioning for Obi-Wan to exit the room once more. "Now that you're anxieties have been satisfied."

Anakin sensed Obi-Wan nod, and they stepped outside. Focusing with all his will, Anakin zoned in on their conversation.

"…Skywalker is suffering from a T-11 spinal fracture. It's nothing I haven't seen before. This will affect his lower body, mostly his pelvis down, but also his lower back." Anakin heard Obi-Wan suck in a breath. "He has no voluntary control of his bowel nor bladder and will require manual assistance until his spinal fusion has healed properly. He'll need you."

Obi-Wan was silent for a moment. "I don't know if I can be who he needs."

"We start training tomorrow. I won't leave you ill-equipped for this."

"Thank you, Master." Another pause.

"Hold out hope for Skywalker's ability to walk. It will be slow. But I have confidence in the Force."

She started walking away.

"Now go in there and coddle him, Kenobi. Force knows you want to," she said over her shoulder. Anakin didn't need to focus to hear that.

Obi-Wan stepped inside the door, and it coolly slid shut behind him.

And as much as he had wanted Obi-Wan at his side, his gut was already screaming at him not to show weakness. Don't let him see how much it hurts. Tell him you'll be fine, laugh it off.

"You heard that," Obi-Wan said. Not phrased as a question.

Anakin cursed the straps that bound his arms to the table.

His tears dripped loudly onto the floor, unhindered.

Obi-Wan placed a shaking hand over his mouth. Anakin, his Padawan, his best friend, his brother, paralyzed from the hips down. He had promised Qui-Gon so many things, more than just training the boy they found on Tatooine. And so many more Anakin himself. He thought he could have protected him... better, more fiercely than he had with Qui-Gon.

Paraplegia.

Obi-Wan slowly looked down to where Anakin's head rested. A small puddle was forming underneath Anakin's nose.

"M-master," Anakin choked out. "M-mas-ster I'm-m so sc-cared." He tried to control himself, to be strong, stop the body-wracking sobs. "F-f-force everything burns." The realization hit him like a slap to the face.

Obi-Wan couldn't fix this.

This was it. Oh, Force, this was him.

He felt suddenly hollow, like every part of the Anakin Skywalker he had known himself to be had been wrenched out.

"Anakin, you have every right to be scared," his Master said. He wished desperately that he could see his Master's face, make sure it was actually him—that he was actually there. His heart was pounding so loud in his ears. "But fear leads to the Dark Side. You need to…" Obi-Wan's sentence faltered, then ended completely.

"The Council w-won't-t keep a defec-cted Jedi Kn-night. What-t's gonna h-happen to Ahsoka?" Anakin couldn't see with the wetness gathering full in his eyes, coursing down his neck. Couldn't hear. The Force felt dumb inside him, numb as his body and mind. Obi-Wan stayed frustratingly silent. "M-master, don't you c-care? I can't b-be a Jedi anymore! They'll send me back to Tatooine! I'll be a s-slave again!"

Obi-Wan looked around the room before coming upon what he desired. He stood from his kneeling position and crossed the room, grabbing the small object.

Anakin's voice was barely audible.

"You're leaving me?"

Dark, wounded feelings slopped over the rim of Anakin's control.

Obi-Wan knelt again, wiping at Anakin's face, placing the object underneath the table and in Anakin's line of sight before he took hold of Anakin's flesh hand.

"Never, Anakin. I will never leave you. Ever. If this is our new reality, you have my word, I will be right by your side no matter what."

Anakin's eyes focused on the mirror now beneath him. He saw his Master's eyes, and found that comfort was beginning to find him through the deep pool of warmth that was Obi-Wan's presence.

"I don't know why, but I want my mom to be here," Anakin's lips trembled with relief even as he felt tears well up again. "I t-thought I didn't need anyone. And-and now I need everyone."

Obi-Wan squeezed Anakin's hand. "Will you sleep?"

Anakin, still hiccupping from his bout of crying, grumbled, "Don't wanna sleep."

"Would you like me to help?" He knew that Obi-Wan could tell he was lying. Obi-Wan had done simple sleep suggestions and healing trances many times with Anakin. It had become almost a nightly practice during some parts of his life.

"Not yet," Anakin croaked. "I need you to touch my feet."

"Are you-"

"Please, Master."

Anakin watch in the mirror as one of Obi-Wan's hands rested on his shoulder, the other reaching.

Anakin was shaking again. He waited.

"Are you touching—?"

"Yes, Anakin."

"Oh, Force."

Obi-Wan was back in his mirror in full, big, brown eyes meeting his. Listening to his ragged breathing, watching as the tears he swore were done sting his face again. He saw his Master's mouth moving, but it was a long moment before his head cleared enough, and he could hear what his Master was saying.

"Anakin, I'm here for you. I'm here. And-and I don't know what I'm doing. But I want to help you. Tell me how I can help."

Anakin's forehead was touched, and he could immediately feel tendrils of Force wrapping around him.

He grasped at them, pulling them closer to his body.

"Don't leave," Anakin whispered.

"I won't."

And finally, beautiful unconsciousness.