If I Could Start Today Again.

Part 2 of 2.

Amanda curled up on Olivia's couch, leaning against the armrest, dressed in the detective's warm fleecy pyjamas, wrapped in a thick blanket while waiting for Olivia to finish the tea that she had started. It was warm inside the nicely decorated apartment. She felt at home straight away as she walked in, a strange sense of peace filled her as she inhaled the scent of Olivia.

The brunette had quickly pushed her down onto the sofa, gotten her some warm clothes to wear and changed into her own sweats. Amanda had stopped crying in the elevator up to the fourth floor and she was beginning to drift off, tired from the salty drops she had cried, so so tired, and she barely registered as a steaming cup of herbal tea was gently pushed into her hands. "Drink this, it'll warm you up quicker." she said softly and got herself comfortable next to the blonde, leaving a foot length between them.

As they carefully sipped their hot beverages, Amanda began to wake up slightly and she could feel herself become more aware of her surroundings as the alcohol was slowly leaving her system. She placed the half empty cup on the glass table and took a shaky breath. "Um, can I use the bathroom?" she slurred, still visibly and audibly intoxicated.

"Sure," Liv pointed down the hall. "second door on your right."

Amanda tried not to stumble but that was easier said than done in her current state. After closing the door she ran to the toilet, pushed the lid up and emptied her stomach just in time as a brown coloured liquid spewed out, causing her to gag and cough violently. The heaves were so violent it caused tears to spring to her eyes and fall down on her flushed cheeks and it didn't seem likely that the vomiting would ease up anytime soon. Now she regretted drinking too much.

Olivia wasn't sure if she should leave the blonde alone and give her some privacy or go and check for herself to see if she was okay. When she heard the violent coughs and gagging she got worried and approached the closed door. "Amanda! You okay in there?" all she heard was another round of vomiting and a weak whimper before she decided to enter. Her heart sank when she spotted the small shivering frame hanging over the porcelain seat, convulsions taking a hold of her body.

"Okay, Amanda?!" Liv spoke softly as she hunkered down next to her and placed a gentle hand on her sweat soaked back. "Oh, sweetie, it's okay. Easy, just try to relax and go with it." grabbing a face cloth from underneath the sink, Liv wet it and wiped at Amanda's tear, sweat and smeared makeup. She still looked beautiful, Liv thought as another powerful heave took control and the blonde had a hard time catching her breath in between. "I'm right here, just let go, sweetie." she cooed and when Amanda seemed to have emptied her stomach of it's contents, her body involontary slumped to the floor, almost hitting her head on the cold hard tile if Liv hadn't been quick in her actions and cushioned the fall.

"Shhh, it's okay, it's over now." she ran her fingers through Amanda's sweat soaked matted bangs and felt her chest ache for this stunning woman. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart." she whispered while the young blonde gasped for air. "Stay put, I'm gonna get you a glass of water, I'll be right back."

Less than a minute later she was back and surprised to see Amanda sitting up, resting her back against the wall, shuddering and crying softly. Liv helped her to drink most of the water before, once again, she bolted towards the toilet for another round. There was nothing left to throw up, except for slimy clear liquid and Olivia gently wiped it away from her mouth with some toilet paper, all while whispering softly to her. She refilled the glass and almost forced Amanda to drink half. "At least you'll have something to throw up, honey, and it won't be as painful."

While Amanda slowly regained her breath, Liv gently wiped the makeup from her face. The mascara had created black circles under her eyes that leaked down onto her rosy cheeks, jaws and chin. Her lipstick was smeared all around her mouth but a good bit of it was still stuck on the plump soft lips. With one hand underneath the blonde's chin to hold her steady and the other tenderly cleaning the dirt and grime of, a normally clear complexion, they locked eyes with one another and it broke Olivia's heart.

The pain and sadness she saw in those blue eyes made her own eyes tear up and her chest clenched tightly. "Better?" she whispered and caressed a smooth cheek with her thumb.

Amanda lost it then. The tender and loving expression on the detective's face was too much and she could feel an overwhelming need to be held and comforted. Throwing heself into the brunette's arms, she broke down in hysterical sobs. "She... she's... she's go... gone, Liv! She's gone!" she wails in agony, clinging onto Olivia like a lifeline, hands clutching desperately at the back of her warm fleece jumper.

She was shaking so hard, Olivia had a hard time holding on. As the blonde cried into the crook of her neck, she reached behind her to flush the toilet and then, carefully, pulled her up into a semi standing position. "Come on, sweetie. Help me out a bit here. I'm gonna get you tucked into bed, alright. It's okay." they made in into Olivia's bedroom and got the crying blonde under the covers, still shaking like a leaf. "I'm gonna get a few things but I'll be right back, sweetheart."

Not wanting to leave her on her own for too long, she ran around in the apartment like a headless chicken looking for things that Amanda might need during the night. Another glass of water, painkillers, tissues, a wet cloth and a basin, in case she needed to vomit again. When she got back, Amanda was sitting up on the edge of the bed, her hand covering her mouth. Quick in her actions, Liv shoved the basin underneath her chin just as a splatter of clear liquid came gushing out, making the blonde cough and gasp for breath.

Olivia stroked her back and hair while holding the bucket, speaking softly to her. "Shhh, get it all out, sweetheart. You're okay, you're okay. Shh, I've got you." when she was finished, Liv helped her back into a lying position, tucked her in again, cleaned out the vomit from the basin and ran the wet cloth over her face and neck. "You're okay, sweetness. Everything is gonna be okay. I'm right here with you." she whispered and covered the shivering form with an extra blanket.

"She's gone, she's gone!" Amanda repeated over and over between violent hiccups and wails of despair, echoing throughout the apartment. She curled up into a foetal position and sob after sob ripped through her chest, tears staining the pillow bellow.

Olivia wiped away her own tears before she laid herself down next to Amanda, opened her arms and pulled her into a warm and secure embrace, placing her head on her shoulder and kissed her forehead. "I know, baby girl, I know. It's okay, cry all you want, I'm right here, right here." the brunette felt the material of her pyjama top get completely soaked from tears and mucous but she didn't care. All that mattered was that Amanda felt warm, secure and safe enough to let her emotions out and express them to the fullest. It was heartbreaking to watch as Amanda fought for air between the powerful sobs and screams that kept on coming in a steady flow and all she could do was to hold her and comfort her.

"Oh, honey!" she soothed, pulling her impossibly closer. "Shh, it's gonna be okay. I'll help you through this, I promise. I know that we don't exactly know each other but I'd like to get to know you and I hope you'll let me be there for you. You're a smart, funny and beautiful woman, Amanda Rollins, and I feel honoured to hold you, to be here for you and to help you deal with all of this. I promise you that everything is going to be alright."

After almost two hours of solid crying, Amanda eventually fell asleep, exhausted from the physical and emotional strain. Liv stayed awake, stroking the blotchy face, running her fingers through blonde knotted hair and rubbed her back in soothing circles before she, herself, followed suit.

When Olivia woke the next morning, she could hear the wind howling outside and, looking out the window, she saw large flakes of snow swirling around in the strong gusts. The next thing she became aware of was the sound of soft crying coming from her right. Turning onto her side, she spotted Amanda all curled up again, back facing her and the small shoulders were shaking from the effort of trying to hold her cries in check.

"Amanda?" she asked quietly and the soft sniffles suddenly stopped. "Amanda, could you please turn around?" all she got was a head shake and she tried again. "Please, sweetie, I just want to look at you, to make sure you're okay. Come on, honey, turn around for me."

Eventually the bed shifted and Amanda reluctantly turned to her other side but avoided eye contact at any cost. Her face was ghostly white, blue eyes were red raw and puffy from the intense crying and dark circles were visible underneath. To Olivia she looked like a small and lost child and she couldn't help but to reach out and cup her face with her hands, her thumbs wiping at the silent tears as they fell.

"Don't hide from me, sweetheart. It's okay to cry." she said softly and opened her arms, yet again, for the blonde to crawl into. "Come here, sweetie, just let me hold you."

Amanda didn't hesitate for a second before she wormed herself into the warm embrace that Liv offered. Once she was engulfed in the warm cocoon she let go of her grief once again and shuddered violently against Olivia's firm but soft body. "I'm sorry." she mumbled almost incoherently between sobs. "I'm so so sorry, I can't... I can't stop, I... I... I don't know what to do, I..."

"Shhh, sweet girl! You have nothing to apologize for, nothing at all. You've lost someone really close to you, someone you love very much and it's going to take time before the pain to ease. Everything is still so very raw, sweetheart, but I promise you that things will get better with time. The pain will never go away completely but it will get better." Olivia could feel the small body in her arms shake and how Amanda's heart was beating rapidly. "Oh, honey!" she pulled away slightly, trying to establish some kind of eye contact with the distraught young woman. "Look at me, sweetheart, look at me."

Amanda could barely hear the soft voice coming from Olivia but after a minute or so she finally blinked away most of her tears and managed to look into brown alarmed eyes, full of concern and care. "I'm here for you, sweetie, for whatever you need."

Swallowing at the big lump in her throat, Amanda made an effort to speak through the wave of tears. "I... I... I wish I could... turn back the time. I wish... I wish I could've done... things differently, then maybe she would've..."

"No!" Olivia forcefully interrupted and gently pressed a finger to her lips. "Don't go there. Don't do that to yourself, sweetie. There was nothing you or anyone else could've done differently. You didn't know this was going to happen, nobody did. What were you suppose to do? Be by her side constantly? Twenty-four seven? That's not realistic, sweetheart. Do not go down this road."

"But... she was my little sister. I... I was suppose to... to look after her." her words came out in short gasps, tears clouded her vision as she desperately tried to blink them away but to no use.

"And I'm sure you did your very best, honey. I'm sure you did. No one is blaiming you so why should you? Don't blaim yourself for something that you had no control over, it will only drive you crazy. Trust me, I know."

Amanda didn't answer to that. The look in Olivia's eyes told her that she was speaking from experience. Amanda figured that being in her field for so long she must've seen her fair share of hardship, injuries and death.

"How is your head doing this morning?" Liv asked gently as she stroked the blonde hair away from a sticky face covered in tears.

"It's up there with the worst hangover of all time." she mumbled between intermittent sniffles and hiccups, finally slowly coming down from her temporary hysteria.

Liv groaned in sympathy. "I bet the crying didn't do it any favours. There are some painkillers on the nighstand next to you, they should do the trick, and drink plenty of water."

"Yes, doctor Benson." Amanda grumbled and did as she was told.

Sitting up, Liv grabbed her robe that hung on the back of a chair just next to the bed and wrapped it around herself. "I'm gonna start some coffee for us. You're more than welcome to take a shower if you want. There are clean towels in the cabinet in the bathroom and I can find something for you to wear that won't completely drown you." she said, smiling gently and headed towards the door.

"Um, I should prabably just go." the blonde mumbled, suddenly feeling embarrassed for the way she had been acting. "I mean, I appreciate everything you've done for me but I was completely out of line and I'm sorry for that. I shouldn't have put you in that position. It must've been really awkward and uncomfortable for you to have some random stranger bawling her eyes out." she sat up and fought against the spinning world around her, bracing herself with her hands on the bed, one on either side.

"Amanda." Liv softly stated, walked up to her and crunched down, resting her hands on the blonde's shaky knees. "You didn't put me in any position. You just lost your sister, honey, and I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through right now. You can stay as long as you want, I'm not working today, not even on call, so I was just gonna hang out here today, watching movies and eat junk food. You're more than welcome to join me."

Amanda tried to swallow the fresh round of tears that welled up in her eyes but they somehow managed to seep through. "I'm sorry." she mumbled, as she lowered her head and placed her forehead on the detective's shoulder, desperate for physical contact and comfort. "I can't seem to stop crying. I'm so so sorry." she sniffled pitifully but relaxed slightly as she felt two strong arms suddenly envelope her again.

"Shhh, sweetheart, how many times do I have to tell you that it's okay to cry. You don't have to stop. You can cry all you want, I'm not going to judge you for it." Liv got back into bed, sitting up with her back resting against the headboard and, to Amanda's surprise, pulled her into her lap sideways, holding her, rocking her and soothing her almost like a baby. "It's okay, my love. We'll just stay in here, watch tv, eat junk and I'll hold you all day long if that's what you need, sweetheart. I'm right here with you and I'm not letting go until I know that you're okay." the brunette soothed as she stroked the blotchy face, resting underneath her chin, gently rocking her from side to side. "I'm right here."

The End.