If I Could Start Today Again.

Part 1 of 2.

Sergeant Olivia Benson dragged her tired feet along the streets of Manhattan, heading towards her empty, dark and lonely apartment. It had been an awful day at the precinct mostly spent chasing a serial rapist that seemed to have escalated to murdering his victims after doing whatever he wanted to them. Her squad was tired, worn and had lost all hope in human kind after seeing the horrific evidence the perp left behind in his wake.

Olivia, herself, had spent the majority of her day down at 1PP, trying to convince the board and it's members that they were closing in on him and doing everything in their power to find this guy and put a stop to this, once and for all. It was a stern, conservative and dull group of older men, judging her, staring at her and commenting on her every move and opinions during this case and she had started to regret taking the sergeant's exam in the first place. The constant slaps in the face from the committee were beginning to sting and she felt useless and inadequate for the roll as sergeant.

Sighing, she shoved her hands into the big pockets of her thick woolly coat and made a quick decision to stop by at the bar, just a couple of block from her apartment, for a much needed drink of anything with a high percentage of alcohol. She needed a release after today, something strong to sooth and dull her senses, to make her forget, even just the smallest little bit, what this vile man had done to these women.

It was busier than usual inside the gloomy lit, crowded place and Liv then realised that it was friday which would explain the large amount of drunken people, hollering, laughing and joking about. The music inside was surprisingly low since the 70 inch tv was on, showing a soccer match which seemed to be the centre of attention. The dark haired sergeant had no interest in the game but was grateful that the tv was on instead of the music so she could, at least, hear herself think, not that she wanted to think but at least she couldn't hear the cringe worthy teenage voice blaring out the loudspeakers.

She gave the barman a nod and ordered a glass of Merlot. Red wine was her only vice and she really needed one now. Looking around the crowded room for a place to sit, she couldn't spot a free seat anywhere. "Great." she muttered and plowed her way through the rowdy crowd of men and, to her relief, saw a table for two in the corner with an available chair. The other chair was, however, occupied by a blonde woman, probably in her mid thirties, a whiskey glass in hand, swirling the amber liquid around, resting her head in the other. She looked sad and lonely, just like Olivia's current mood and she found herself drawn to her, almost like a magnet.

"Excuse me! Is this seat taken?" Liv questioned, trying to sound as welcoming and friendly as possible.

When the blonde finally turned her head towards Olivia, the brunette was mesmerized by the pale blue eyes staring at her. They were beautiful and expressive, so many emotions trapped in two small orbs and Olivia could tell straight away that this woman had seen a lot in her life, probably too much. Things that a young woman shouldn't have to see. That's when she noticed the tears rolling down her flushed cheeks and her attempt to quickly wipe them away.

"Oh, sorry! I... I can find somewhere else to sit. Um... sorry if I disturbed you." she turned to leave when a husky voice from behind made her stop dead in her tracks.

"You ain't gonna find anywhere else."

She stopped, turned around and raised her eyebrows in questioning. "Excuse me?"

The blonde fought the urge to roll her eyes, leaned back in her chair, sighed and placed the almost empty whiskey glass on the worn and stained wooden table. "I said, you ain't gonna find anywhere else to sit in this joint so you might as well plunk your ass down."

Olivia could tell that the blonde wasn't from around here considering her southern accent. She offered her a light smile and, sat down and took a large gulp of her bittersweet crimson liquid. There was an awkward silence that seemed to last for forever until Liv finally couldn't take it any longer. "I'm Olivia, by the way. And you are?"

"Amanda." she said firmly, stood up and made her way to the bar for another round, leaving a confused brunette behind, sipping her wine, thinking that this woman, this Amanda, was acting rather peculiar. Suddenly another glass of red wine was placed in front of her. "Got you another. Looks like you need something stronger though." Amanda stated, took a swig of her double bourbon while blinking away the tears that threatened to fall any second.

"Thank you." Liv responded in surprise and twirled the stem of glass between her fingers, studying the woman in front of her. "You look like you need something stronger yourself."

Amanda took another swig, letting the tang of the spirit burn her throat. "It's the strongest thing they had. I asked." she was not a woman of many words, never had been and never would be but something about Olivia intrigued her. "So, what made your day turn out like crap?"

Chuckling slightly, Liv took a deep breath and decided to spill her guts. "I've been spending all day, well the past four weeks actually, chasing a serial rapist who is responsible for twelve rapes and two murders, while the board on 1 Police Plaza continuously tries to drag me down, telling me I'm obviously not doing a good job and that I should try harder. The perks of being in charge of my own squad, ugh?" she gulped down the rest of her wine and replaced it with the full one that Amanda had kindly bought for her. "What about you?" she asked, a bit on the reserved side, not knowing if she was intruding on forbidden ground or not but the glossy blue eyes made her want to now more about this beautiful stranger.

Amanda took a large swig and almost slammed her glass back down, spilling a few drops in the process. "My little sister died." she said coldly, stood up again and made her way to the bathrooms. Liv just sat there with her mouth hanging open, shocked at the statement Amanda just made. She thought her day was crap and she could only imagine what Amanda must be feeling right now. She didn't know how to respond or what to do, she just sat there, glued to her seat until the blonde came back and and took her seat.

"I'm... I'm so sorry." she stuttered. "Were you two close?" maybe she shouldn't pry but it only came natural to Olivia to wonder and ask questions.

The blonde held her tears at bay while fidgeting with the heavy whiskey glass, running her fingertips along the rim of it. "Very." she said an took a shuddering breath. "So, you're a cop?"

It was clear that Amanda wanted to change the subject, possibly to avoid the floodgates that were ready to open any second and Liv didn't know if she should answer or try to get something more out of her. To Olivia it was evident that the blonde was trying to hold it together and decided to just let it be and let Amanda cope in her own way. "Detective, actually, for the special victims unit. I only got promoted to sergeant about six months ago."

"Must be tough, handling cases like that every day. To witness the gruesome and twisted things can't be easy." the blonde stated matter of factly.

"Yeah, you never get use to it." she took a big gulp of her drink, feeling the alcohol settle in her system, giving her courage. "How did you sister die?"

Immediately Amanda's blue eyes shot up, glaring at her and she instantly regretted her words but it was too late now. Then, the blonde lowered her gaze and turned her attention to a stained ring from a glass, imprinted on the surface of the table, tracing it with her index finger. "Drug overdose. She's always been trouble, ever since she was a teenager, spending time hanging out with the wrong kind of people, got into some bad stuff. I tried getting her help several times but... you can't help the ones who doesn't want to be helped, I guess. Maybe I should've tried harder." she huffed and downed the remainder of her drink.

"Don't." Liv reached across the table and placed a gentle hand over Amanda's without thinking too much of it. "Don't do that to yourself, nothing good comes out of it. You did what you could."

The blonde stared at their joined hands, feeling the warmth of the detective's soft skin penetrate her own, making her stomach flutter. When Liv pulled back, she immediately missed the contact and felt like she would do anything to feel that warmth again. "Maybe not." she whispered. "Want another?" she nodded towards Olivia's half empty glass.

"It's my turn to get these. Same?" after receiving a simple nod from the woman in front of her she made her way to the bar and waited while the barman sorted her out.

Amanda couldn't help but to stare at the curvaceous body of the tall brunette, how her hips swayed as she walked, how her black skinny jeans hugged her legs in all the right places, her cobalt blue bluose showed just the right amount of cleavage, her hair, her makeup, everything about Olivia was immaculate.

After paying for their drinks, Liv approached the table and sat back down. "So, when did all this happen, if you don't mind me asking?" she decided to thread gently since she didn't know how raw and fresh the matter was. Did it happen last week? A few weeks ago? A month? She didn't know.

"I got the phone call a couple of hours ago." Amanda's voice was cold and distant, even her eyes changed colour to a deeper blue and her nostrils flared as if she was trying to keep it together and not break down or turn into a total emotional wreck. "She was found dead in her apartment."

Olivia gasped at the news and her heart went out to this woman. A couple of hours ago! Liv thought. How is she keeping herself together so well? How is she able to sit here and have a, somewhat, normal conversation? How is she able to cope after a tragedy like this? Maybe she isn't coping at all. "I... I don't know what to say, I... I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do? Anyone you'd like me to call? Anything?" her head tilted to the right and her brown eyes softened, showing empathy and concern, so much that it became very difficult for Amanda to hold her tears in check but somehow she managed.

Smiling, she raised her glass in a toast. "To Kimberly Rollins, the most loveable pain in the ass there ever was." they both took a large sip from their drinks as silence fell upon them. Nothing needed to be said and nothing deeded to be done. For a few minutes they sat, across the way from each other, and Liv threw the occasional glance towards the blonde's direction to see how she was doing. She found it hard to tear her eyes away from the younger woman, infatuated by the way she looked and behaved. There was something about her that made Olivia want to know more and she also found herself incredibly attracted to her in a physical way. She had a nice body, beautiful blonde hair with long bangs partly covering one eye and stunning features. She was simply breathtaking to look at, even in her vulnerable and emotional state.

As the time passed they began to enjoy each other's company. They chatted, laughed and told each other things that they had never told anyone before. It was a comfortable vibe between the two and they were so caught up in one another that they totally forgot about time and space and they were suddenly interrupted by the flashing lights by the bar, indicating that it was last call for drinks. "I guess I better stumble my way home then." Amanda chuckled and slurred at her words, trying to stand up straight and cursed the whole world for spinning. "Why is everything spinning, Liv?"

The brunette smiled gently at the nickname she had unconsciously let slip. "Yeah well, just spin with it, okay? Come on, hold onto my arm and I'll get us out of here."

Outside was freezing but Amanda was too drunk to notice. She didn't even bother to zip up her coat or put her hat on but instead she stood there, on the sidewalk, swaying on her unsteady feet while Liv gently pulled the blonde's coat tighter around her body, zipped it close and carefully slid the woolly hat on her head. "Now, you're all nice and cozy. Don't want you getting sick."

Grinning from ear to ear, Amanda leaned in closer to Olivia's warm body. "You'd make a great mother, Olivia Benson." then she groaned and shut her eyes tight. "How is it possible for the world to spin this fast?" she slurred, "I can't keep up. Can't you feel it, Liv?"

The older woman wrapped a secure arm around Amanda's waist, chuckling at the blonde's, slightly amusing, behavior. "Probably not as much as you, sweetie. You have way more alcohol in your system than I do." the endearment slipped from her lips before she could stop it but she figured Amanda was too intoxicated to even register. "Where do you live? I'll take you home." Liv kindly offered.

"No," Amanda whimpered, running a hand over her face and let out a shaky breath. "I don't wanna go back there after... I can't... I mean, I don't think I'm..."

"Okay," Liv interrupted gently, tugging the smaller body closer to her own. "Shh, I just live around the block so you can stay with me for the night, okay?"

Again, Amanda chuckled. "Wow, you surely work fast, Miss Benson. I didn't even tell you my surname yet and you're already all over me like a rash. I haven't lost my touch then." the smaller woman giggled and nudged Olivia playfully in the ribs.

"It's Rollins, Miss Rollins." Liv stated as they began to clumsily make their way to the detective's place.

"I never told you my last name, detective." she slurred at her words and stumbled on her own feet but Liv was quick to keep her steady.

"Well, you said your sister's name and surname, so I just assumed it was Rollins." she held on tight to the drunk blonde as they rounded a corner and Liv could finally see the apartment building.

Amanda suddenly stopped with a lost and tortured look on her face, her eyes filled up with tears and, as if out of nowhere, she let a sob rip through her chest and she began to shake, from emotional stress or the freezing midnight air, Olivia didn't know. "Kim!" the fragile woman whispered into the night, her throat tightening as the realization of her dead sister came washing over her like a big giant wave of pain and despair. "I'll never see her again." she whimpered. "I'll never see her again, Liv. If I could go back in time I would. Maybe I could've done something, anything to help. I miss her. Oh, god I miss her!" she cried and covered her face with her hands.

A couple passed by, raising their eyebrows at the two women but Olivia couldn't care less. She had to get them both home and inside the warmth and comfort of her own apartment, get Amanda to drink some water and take some painkillers, for the hangover from hell that she was surely to suffer the next day and get her to lie down before she collapsed from the excessive alcohol consumption. It was a bitter cold in the air that found its way into the bones and into the very soul and Olivia knew that getting warm, getting Amanda warm, was her priority right now.

Running her hand up and down the blonde's quivering back, she gently pulled the smaller woman with her down the sidewalk, supporting her bodyweight as stiffled sobs wracked her body. "Shhh, we're almost there, just another couple of minutes and we'll be nice and snug inside and you can cry all you want but I need you to hold on for a bit longer, sweetie, just a bit longer."

Amanda was walking in a haze. Her mind and eyes clouded with tears and pain, her head already pounding from all the alcohol her body was desperately trying to digest and then the nauseousness kicked in and she immediately regretted even considering a drinking session like the one she had just had. All she wanted was to forget, to sleep for an unforeseeable future, to not think about Kim's body lying lifeless on the floor, ghostly white and cold to the touch. A corpse, a dead body, a casualty, a life lost all too soon.