Rose's POV

I had thought remembering was hard, and though it was, it's the forgetting of things that was harder, I wished I could get my hands on some more of those dreaded pills. I'm not talking about Victor forcing me to forget, no I wish I was though. The forgetting I wanted was linked to my memories. I wanted with everything in me to forget everything about the monster I had been. The monster I still believed I was. Because I, no matter what anyone said was a monster, a killer, a horrible fucking person.

Holding my Luka to me as he slept I felt sick. How could I be here holding and loving something so innocent. Him and Ivan deserved so much better. Every time I closed my eyes I saw the faces of the men and woman I had killed, tortured. All the lives I had ruined. And I had done it all without even batting an eye. I was a killer, and still was. Killing, blood, evil, I was it all.

I knew that deep inside I had been used. There had been a time that Victor used me, and the guys, like we were robots. We did things without thinking, we just did as told without any regards to what was actually happening. It was as if we had been on auto pilot. But now things weren't like that. I could feel what I had done as if I was there again. Almost as if all along I had been trying to stop myself and I couldn't. Every memory was clear and sharp and I saw it as if I was reliving my past and I truly saw the monster I was.

I tried time and time again to convince myself that it wasn't true, that I did what I did because Victor had made me do it. But what if, what if I had done it because deep down inside I was that person. I took to the training so well, even after being behind. I executed commands, kills with such ease. I lied without thinking, I pulled a trigger without remorse. I was a murderer and everyone here was acting as if I was not.

It would have been a different thing if I had been bad at my training, at the killings. But I had been amazing. I could at least see that my skills were there and I had no problem executing anything I did with ease, without even trying. Even now I could kill someone without thought. But the problem was that now I was thinking too much.

"Can I have a turn?" I looked up to Dimitri who looked like he was concerned, but he didn't voice it.

"Sorry he fell asleep." He nodded, and I felt bad that he hadn't gotten his turn.

"It's ok. He will more than likely wake up soon." I nodded again as he grabbed Luka from me placing him in his crib softly. I remained on the rocking chair, my eyes shifting to the baby, as a huge wave of self hate shot through me.

"Do you think he will hate me?" Dimitri looked from Luka to me and his eyes immediately looked concerned.

"Neither of them will hate you." He came closer to me and kneeled before me grabbing my hands in his. "We all feel it Rose. The feeling is overwhelmingly maddening."

"Why can't I be like you guys?" My voice broke and I hated myself for it. Why was I so weak?

"Because you have always cared and loved with all your heart." He smiled softly and pulled me to follow him.

He led me to his room, motioning to me to sit on his bed. He pulled up one of the chairs and sat before me. We spent a longtime just looking at each other. I smiled as he smiled and he reached over to hold my hands. The action shot a warmth through my that I hadn't felt in what felt like forever. En

"The first time I woke up here after you went after me and remembered what had happened the guilt was so consuming. I couldn't think, breathe, or see anything without feeling like I was at fault for everything and anything wrong." I watched him as he looked down at our linked hands and sighed.

"I thought distancing myself was the right thing. That if I kept to myself I would feel better. I didn't." He looked up at me know his eyes boring into mine. "I hated myself for everything, from then, from before. From now."

"I just don't know what to do." He smiled again this time moving to sit next to me.

"I'm so sorry I did that. Out of everything I have done I regret pushing you away the most." He wrapped his arms around me. "I'm sorry I made you feel the way you did. I'm sorry Roza."

I wrapped my arms around him as well, for the first time since before Luka was born feeling somewhat whole. We all felt this way, Dimitri, Christian, Adrian and I had been through a lot. And almost all of it had not been our fault. We had been part of a plan, part of an evil that had been forced upon us.

"Are we this good because we are bad, or because... " I couldn't finish the question but Dimitri knew, he always did.

"We excelled because we are intelligent. Because there are traits from our past that made us good, at anything we did." Dimitri pulled away and stared into my eyes. "We only did this because we were forced to. By choice I have no doubt we would have been good people, using these skills for the greater good."

"But how good can we be now?" It was my biggest fear, my main concern. With everything we had done could we be good people now, could we act as if nothing had happened.

"I think because of what we have been through we can. And we can make a difference."

Silence surrounded us as we stayed side by side. Being around Dimitri was both awkward and comforting. Where once I knew him and I were in tune, now we seemed off. Rightfully so though. With everything that had happened we would have to work to be who we were before, we'll be as close to who we use to be. But for now this worked. At least now we were on the same side, the right side.

"Do you wanna work out?" Dimitri randomly asked, but I smiled. At least we knew we could do that. Something we seemed good at. A workout was innocent enough.

"Yea I could go for a good run or something." I looked over at him and smiled.

Yea, at least we had that. A connection that no one could deny. All of us did a connection no one could break. At least we had something.

OK so yea I know this one is not long like at all. But its all I could get out right now. Next one I promise will be a lot longer. I just seriously needed to get something out. I apologize for taking so long. But this story never leaves my mind. I will finish it. I just have to. Thank you to all who keep reviewing and messaging me.

Luka update: my little guy is turning 4 soon, so we are off to Disney to celebrate!