A/N: Just a Tuckson one-shot. Very different than my normal Cabenson. First foray into Tuckson. Be gentle. Fixing what the show screwed up last week.

Olivia goes to see Dr. Lindstrom and they take a journey through past relatinoships.

NOT SAFE

Olivia sat in Dr. Lindstrom's office looking around at the familiar setting. She hadn't seen him much recently, until the shooting a couple of weeks ago. The shooting this time was different, though. This time, she saved Carisi without hesitation. She did for him what she couldn't do for Dodds.

One PP insisted she see someone after the shooting. Standard procedure. But she didn't feel like she needed to be here. She was hoping one visit with Lindstrom would wrap it up, but he insisted on seeing her again this week.

When he finally walked in, she was looking down at her phone reading a text from Rollins - an update to a case they were working.

"Olivia, I'm sorry to keep you waiting," Lindstrom said.

"It's okay, I was just catching up on some emails," Olivia said.

"I'm going to be cut to the chase with you," he said. "I'm really impressed with how you are dealing with this shooting. You don't seem to be struggling with an extraordinary amount of guilt - and I mean that in a good way. You shouldn't. You were doing your job, and I know that you never wanted to take that man's life, especially with him being a former cop, but you seem to have a good grasp on understanding the actions you took."

"It was him or Carisi," Olivia said. "I wish it hadn't gone that way, but ... I was left with no choice."

"I'm glad you see that," Lindstrom said. "After everything you've been through during the last year, I was concerned when I heard. I think you are handling it as expected."

"So, then ... why am I here?" Olivia asked bluntly.

Lindstrom chuckled and smiled. "Well, I wanted to give you another week to see how you were responding, but I also wanted to check in with you about some other things you mentioned last time."

"Ok ...," Olivia said slowly, unsure what he was getting at.

"How are things with Tucker?" Lindstrom asked.

"Oh ... um, well, we actually broke up last week," Olivia said. "Why?"

"You just mentioned having trouble connecting, being busy, focused on Noah," Lindstrom said. "Has something changed?"

"He's thinking of retiring, and well, I have Noah, and things are busy," Olivia said.

"All things you said last week," Lindstrom said. "Well, except the retiring part. Why is that a problem?"

"It's not a problem ... I guess we're just in different places," Olivia said.

"Did he want you to retire?" he asked.

"No, of course not," she said. "Ed knows how much I love my work. He'd never ask me to do anything like that."

"I guess I don't understand the problem," Lindstrom said. "You said you're having trouble connecting. I presume that is because you're having trouble finding time together? And you mentioned Noah, but Noah was in your life when you started dating. In fact, Noah is getting more independent day by day."

"And ...?"

"And, it seems like Tucker retiring means he'll have more time ... for both you and Noah," Lindstrom said.

"I don't need relationship advice," Olivia said.

"I would never presume you do," Lindstrom said. "I am just curious why you would throw away something that makes you happy. Unless something changed, that is?"

"I just felt ... I don't know what I felt, but it just seemed like it wasn't going to work out," Olivia said.

"Why?"

Why don't you tell me? You obviously have a theory," Olivia said.

Lindstrom smiled again. "I thought you'd never ask."

Olivia shook her head and managed a smile. She trusted Lindstrom completely and even though she felt like she made the right decision with Ed, Lindstrom probably knew her better than anyone. She was curious what he was thinking.

She nodded, indicating she was ready for him to continue.

"You've had some pretty bad luck with relationships," Lindstrom said. "I mean, I don't usually advocate luck, either good or bad, but I have to admit ... for a woman like you, who has so much love to give, it's unfortunate you've struggled in this area. Though I suspect your job is part of that."

"Anyway, tell me why things didn't work out with Brian," Lindstrom said.

"You know why," Olivia said.

"I want you to tell me," Lindstrom said. "I know a lot about you, but I want to do an experiment, and I want you to say it out loud."

"Brian didn't want kids; I did," she said.

"And that didn't change, right? I mean, Brian never wanted kids?" Lindstrom said.

"That's right," Olivia said.

"Okay, what about Ellis?"

"You mean Benard? We never really dated," Olivia said. "Maybe a couple of dinners."

"Yeah, but there was something there," Lindstrom said. "You've said as much. Why didn't you continue dating?"

"It would have been complicated," Olivia said. "We were often at odds."

"Okay. David Haden?"

"Are we doing a walk down my dating history?" Olivia said.

"Something like that," Lindstrom said. "Now, tell me about Haden."

"He was going to work for a unit that would oversee convictions," Olivia said. "And well, we were just kind of in different worlds, different paths."

"So as your Executive ADA it was okay, but not in the new unit?" Lindstrom said.

"Well, it would have been challenging, but ... I don't know. We never got that far," Olivia said.

"Okay, who else? You mentioned a reporter you dated once," Lindstrom said.

"Oh, wow, we're going way back," Olivia said. "Okay, what about him?"

"Why didn't it work?" Lindstrom said.

"He's a reporter," Olivia said. "And I am a cop, in a unit that can generate a lot of news. It was a conflict of interest."

"And the cop from Chicago?"

Olivia laughed out loud when Lindstrom said that.

"Voight? That was ... ," Olivia trailed off.

"That was what?" Lindstrom said. "You mentioned a few drinks. Some good conversation, maybe more?"

"Well, he's in Chicago, for one," Olivia said. "And we have different philosophies to police work."

"I don't think I want to know," Lindstrom said.

"You don't," Olivia said.

"Okay, I'm nearly done here," Lindstrom said. "What about your ADA?"

"Barba? Oh god, no. I'm pretty sure he's - ,"

"Actually, I wasn't referring to him," Lindstrom said, cutting Olivia office. "I was talking about Alex Cabot."

The amusement left Olivia's face.

"That was ... a long time ago and we were just friends," Olivia said.

"Just friends? Olivia, how long have we known each other? You've told me about Alex. About how you were affected by all of that," Lindstrom said.

"Maybe there was something, but ...

"It was different then? 1PP and the DA's office would have been less accepting? She was your ADA?"

"Something like that," Olivia said. "And she left - twice."

"She went into WitSec, right?"

Olivia nodded.

"Okay, now ... let's talk about your former partner," Lindstrom said.

Olivia froze and cocked her head, confused.

"Elliot?"

"Yes," Lindstrom said.

"I don't know what you think you know, but there was NEVER anything between Elliot and me," Olivia said. "He was married."

"And if he hadn't been?"

Olivia opened her mouth to reply but had no words.

"That's what I thought," Lindstrom said. "Listen, I know he was your partner and partners are close. And I know you respected the sanctity of his marriage. But you've said before you thought he held you back ... I think it goes beyond just your professional life."

Olivia sat silent, unsure of what to say.

"I'll get to my point. In your earlier years, you dated around, then you joined SVU. You had Elliot. He was safe because he was married. You never had to worry about completely falling for him, completely opening up. With Alex, you both knew nothing could ever become of it, because neither of you were willing to risk your careers.

"The reporter was never going anywhere because of your jobs. Same with Ellis, and David Haden. With Brian, you knew from the start he didn't want kids, and you did. You knew deep down it would never last. But you jumped in anyway, perhaps avoiding that final level of closeness with anyone."

"Where are you going with this?"

"You choose safe people to fall for," Lindstrom said. "And by that, I mean, people who there is no chance of it ever lasting with. Because deep down, you're afraid. You said last week you didn't feel like yourself; that you hadn't felt like yourself for a few months. I'd say you're being completely yourself. You're retreating. You're pushing people away. That's classic Olivia Benson, based on your history."

"That's not fair," Olivia said, her voice rising. "I'd like to think I've grown."

"I believe you have," Lindstrom said. "So why are you pushing Tucker away? Is it because you don't have an excuse for it to not work out with him? Because you're afraid he could actually be the one? Or because you're afraid he'll leave you ... like others have?"

Olivia clenched her teeth.

"Liv, I'm not saying he's the one for you," Lindstrom said. "But what I know is that from what you've told me, he wants to be with you. He wants what you want. He loves Noah. He loves you. And he's eliminated barriers to being with you - he changed jobs, and now he's retiring, probably so he can spend more time with you. Be there for you ... and for Noah."

Olivia's eyes were beginning to water as she looked down to wipe them, trying to hide.

"Just think about it," Lindstrom said. "Consider that you're pushing Tucker away because he's not safe. Because you have fallen for him, and you're afraid you're going to lose what you have - everything you've ever wanted."

Olivia just nodded and forced a smile.

###

Olivia walked down the long hall to Ed's apartment. She had gone back to work and spent some time thinking about what Lindstrom said. Maybe he was right. Maybe she owed it to herself to give it a chance. There was no reason it shouldn't work out. Hell, they had worked through so many potential issues to get to even be friends that anything that came at them now should be a walk in the park.

She took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

"Olivia," Ed said in a husky, surprised voice. "Come in."

Olivia smiled and walked in. Ed was cooking ... or trying to cook, it seemed. He was wearing a white, tight t-shirt, some spaghetti stains on it. She laughed a little when she noticed it. She also noticed photos of them with Noah on the mantle - some from a day in the park, some in Paris.

"Listen, about us ..." Olivia said.

"Olivia, you should know, I'll do anything for you," Ed said. "If you don't want me to retire, I won't. I have been planning to call, but I wanted to give you space, and consider what you said."

"I think ... I was afraid, of us," Olivia said.

"I know," Ed said.

"You know?" Olivia said, smiling and raising an eyebrow.

"I know you pretty well Olivia Margaret Benson," Ed said. "But I also knew enough to know that you may not ever change your mind. And that scared me."

"I guess when I said I was afraid it wouldn't last, I meant that," Olivia said. "And that's how I've always approached relationships. There's usually always been a reason."

"And did you come up with a reason for why we shouldn't last?" Ed said.

"Oh, about a million," Olivia laughed. "But none of them were good."

Ed took a step closer. "So ... what are you saying exactly?"

"I'm saying, I want us," Olivia said. "At least I don't want to run away from it. I want to keep trying. You are different than anyone else I've been with. You actually put me first."

"And I always plan to," Ed said. "Really, that's why I wanted to retire. I wanted to be able to spend more time with you and Noah. You work so hard, and I know you don't need me. You don't need anyone, but I wanted to be there to support you."

"I know," Olivia said. "And you're right, I don't need you. But ... I do want you in my life."

Ed wrapped his arms around Olivia. "So, are you saying we can call off this 'break up' nonsense?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying," Olivia said.

Ed suddenly kissed her and picked her up and began carrying her to the bedroom.

"Ed! What are you doing?"

"It's only been a week, Olivia. What do you think I'm doing?"

"Your dinner will burn."

"It's already burned," Ed said, sitting her on the bed. "Now, do you want to keep talking about my crappy dinner, or do you want to make up for lost time?"

Olivia smirked and pulled him down to her and into a kiss.

"I love you, Olivia Margaret Benson," Ed said, pulling away.

"And I love you, Ed Tucker," Olivia said. "Always."

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